Young Writers Society

Hey there Everybody! I had an idea and i had to run with it for a while, tell me what you think of this start!




Her body lay broken and bleeding on the sandy foothills; crumbled in a lifeless heap. Each limb askew, as if she can’t quite make up her mind which direction to point a stranger in. Even if some chosen person happened to walk by, he wouldn’t be able to make out her face or who she’d been. As if with a hammer, her face had been bludgeoned, and beaten to a fleshy mold. Her hair was layered with blond highlights to clash against the dark brown and it fanned out in the sand. The curious thing was that she had no shoes on, her pedicured feet bare. Only the glowing eyes of fox lurking in the shadows knew what really happened, and of course his lips were forever sealed.
What happened to this poor woman? What secret was worth this much damage? These were the thoughts of a young boy with binoculars in his hands as he peered into the eerie dessert behind the place he called home. Only, at the time, he had no idea it was his mother with the bludgeoned face.

Hey Butterfinger

I'm going to take a quick look at this for you!

1. Nit-piks -

Her body lay broken and bleeding on the sandy foothills; crumbled in a lifeless heap.

Nice start. It got me thinking straight away. Who is this woman? What happened to her? etc. So well done there!

Each limb askew, as if she can’t quite make up her mind which direction to point a stranger in.

I might be wrong here, but I think it would be better as -

'Each limb was askew as if she couldn't quite make up her mind in which direction to point a stranger.'

Even if some chosen person happened to walk by

The use of 'chosen person' doesn't sound right and unless it means something to the story, I'd replace it with something like -

'Even if someone happened to walk by'

Only the glowing eyes of fox lurking in the shadows

'of a fox'

2. Overall impression -

Okay, so I think you have a good start to a story here. It's short, but you give us enough information to allow us to start to ask questions. We want to know what happened to this woman and why. How the little boy copes with the loss of his mum.

I'm intrigued to see where you take this and how the story will develop.

I hope this review helps!

xDudettex

Hi Butterfinger.

I really like this. It reads very well, almost like poetry. Your wording is perfect. I got really drawn into the story.

There are a few things you can work on.

As I said before I got really drawn into the story but I got left at the end not feeling satisfied. The ending left me on a cliff hanger and I really want to see what happens next. How does the boy find out it is his mother? What’s the relationship between the boy and his mother? There are a lot of things to explore here.

Beside that it's very good. Keep writing.

Hi Butterfinger.

I really like this. It reads very well, almost like poetry. Your wording is perfect. I got really drawn into the story.

There are a few things you can work on.

As I said before I got really drawn into the story but I got left at the end not feeling satisfied. The ending left me on a cliff hanger and I really want to see what happens next. How does the boy find out it is his mother? What’s the relationship between the boy and his mother? There are a lot of things to explore here.

Beside that it's very good. Keep writing.

Hi Butterfinger! I'm going to try and give you a helpful review now!

Overall, I think this is a great start of something. The in-depth description of a random mangled body, while grotesque, is a sure attention grabber. I actually flinched when you described the bludgeoned face. I don't have much to suggest by the way of improvements sadly. One thing that may help is to diversify your language a bit. You describe her face as bludgeoned at least twice in the same paragraph, which isn't really bad. I just think it would be better if you used a different word like "beaten", "bashed", or "battered". That, along with a bit more proofreading to clear up some punctuation and spelling errors, could make this awesome beginning even more awesome.

I look forward to seeing what you can make out of this start you've created. Good luck!

Wow. If this isn't a cliffhanger story, I don't know what is! You drew me in right away, and kept me all the way through it! Great job!

Hi! First off I love this! I think it's a great start to something. It's really a cliff hanger! It's something I would read and wonder 'What did this pour women know that she was so brutally beat and killed for?' Also I like the idea with the son seeing the body of the women and not knowing it was his mother! Great story! (Also If its okay, I think it would be cool if they never found out why she died, and then when the boy is grown up he tries to find out the truth! Just saying) I like it, keep writing.