Young Writers Society

Once upon a time lived a princess she had a mom and dad. Her name was allison. Allison had a dog his name is jax. There was also a witch his name is Dylan. Dylan hated the princess so he got the mom and dad. Dylan had the mom and dad because he wanted the princess. The animals warned the princess that someone is coming after her. She asked who? The animals where about to answer but then the mom and dad came around the corner. So the animals yelled mom and dad! Allison ran and never looked back. When the dad was about to catch her. There master called them for super. The animals yelled for allison but allison didn't answer because she found this bottle that said turn normal forever.So Allison ran all the way to there castle she put the potion in the pot of soup. She took one more look and she read the directions it said: put this in someones food and wait a day and they will be the nicest person ever!!! So allison put in the whole bottle and went to her castle the next day she was sitting by her parents in bed!! She went downstairs and found dylan sitting at the table. Her parents came down and said meet our new friend!!! she was really mad .

Welcome Ashley,
People take better to pieces that have good grammar. You'll get more reviews if all the names are capitalized and if if looks like you took more than three minutes to type up the words and post it.
The piece itself was hard understand because it was so abrupt. I would retype it and add a lot of description and all that good stuff.
If you need a review just ask,
Megsug

Okay.

Can I ask how old you were when you wrote this? It says you're sixteen. Did you write this just now? Or was it a long time ago? If you wrote it a long time ago, I have nothing to say except that you need to post some of your later stuff, because you obviously had a good idea of storyline and chronology. Otherwise, a few things:

First point: interesting storyline. Think you could elaborate some? The whole thing is rather abrupt.

I'm not sure the effect you're going for here. Is it supposed to be sudden? It has a feel rather like when someone throws a baseball at you at fifty miles an hour and you weren't ready. The baseball may be the best baseball ever...but you don't really notice that as it whams into your stomach. Ow.

Second point: The ending. This could be really wham. You know, like at the end of horror movies, where they think they're all safe, and then there's a shadow on the wall and the music goes dun dun DUN...and the credits roll! Again, just try and elaborate.

Third point: Grammar&spelling. Try and keep the tense consistent. It really jars when you switch back and forth from present to past tense. Also, capitalisation. Capitalise names and words at the beginning of sentences, or at the beginning of quotes (if it is a quote, put quote marks around it.)

Suggestions on punctuation and stuff (ugh I'm sorry; bear with me)

ashleyandrews wrote:Once upon a time lived a princess. She had a mom and dad. Her name was Allison. Allison had a dog his name was Jax. There was also a witch. His name was Dylan. Dylan hated the princess, so he got the mom and dad. Dylan had the mom and dad because he wanted the princess. The animals warned the princess that someone was coming after her. She asked, "Who?" The animals were about to answer, but then the mom and dad came around the corner. So the animals yelled, "Mom and Dad!" Allison ran and never looked back. When the dad was about to catch her, their master called them for supper. The animals yelled for Allison but Allison didn't answer because she found this bottle that said "Turn normal forever." So Allison ran all the way to their castle. She put the potion in the pot of soup. She took one more look and she read the directions. It said: "Put this in someone's food and wait a day, and they will be the nicest person ever!!!" So Allison put in the whole bottle and went to her castle. The next day she was sitting by her parents in bed!! She went downstairs and found Dylan sitting at the table. Her parents came down and said, "Meet our new friend!!!" She was really mad. .

I'm liking the colon. I love colons and semicolons.

Oh, one note on their/there/they're: "They're" is they-are. "There" is over there. You can remember because it's spelled just like "here." "Their" is belonging to them. It ends with an r, like "your" or "her." That's my only spelling comment.

Fourth point: Some of it is confusing. For example, why were her parents chasing her and why was she running? It says their master called them in to supper. Whose master? The animals' master? The parents' master? Aren't her parents the king and queen? How can they have a master? Why are the animals yelling for her and why doesn't she answer? Why does the bottle change functions, and how does she end up back at the castle? That potion feels distinctly sinister. What happens to the soup? Who drinks it? Does Dylan? Does he turn good, and that's why her parents accept him? If so, why does she get so mad as to need to use six angry faces? Is she like Jonah, in that she really doesn't want him to turn good because she hates him so much? Or do her parents drink it and think that Dylan is good? Was the potion meant for Allison? You are leaving me hanging with many questions, and it is most unkind!! , to quote from Allison.

Final point: It's a good story. It has tension and conflict and ...??? and plot. It just needs to be a three page story instead of a one paragraph one. Bring out character! Bring out tension! Bring out conflict! Bring out ...???! Bring out plot! Bring out the dun dun DUN, for crying out loud! Let's see Allison run and Dylan cackle! Let's even see (dare I say it?) more animal friends!

Some elaborations you could make:

Why does Dylan hate the princess? Why do the animals love the princess? Do the animals love the princess, or are they all minions of Dylan, sent to prejudice her against her parents? Are her parents evil or just oblivious? What do they all look like? Is Dylan a handsome young man or an ugly old fiend? Is Allison a little girl or a young woman? Or, for that matter, an old maid? And what about Jax? How come we don't see more of him? Is he one of the animal friends? Where did the potion come from? Was it Dylan's? What does it do? Does Allison feel she's not normal? Why does she feel she's not normal? Why does she want to be normal?

Any way, certainly keep writing. This has a charm in it. Sorry if I bog you down with a million comments; I just see so much potential in this story! Princesses! Hatred! Kidnapping! Chase scenes! Magic! Personal doubt! Come on, Ash, let's see your stuff.

Mrs.E.D.

Is this for Snoink's bad writting contest?

(If it's not I'm sorry.)