Young Writers Society

Hello YWS, this a story I'm still working on this, but i thought that I would post what ihVe so far. Hope you enjoy!



A blade in the crowd... That's what we are...

I watched the castle from the edge of the surrounding forest. The moon shone upon the walls, outlining the guards patrolling it. I counted a total of seven guards. It wasn't anything i couldnt take care of.

I ran towards the wall under the protection of darkness. As soon as I got there, I grabbed stones jutting out from the wall and started pulling myself up. The first guard started to look over the wall, so I pressed myself against the wall as flat as I could. The guard just grunted and started to move away, that's when I made my move. I propelled myself over the wall and threw a dagger into the first guard's back.while he was falling, I pulled out my sword and jumped over his still falling body. The second guard only caught a glimpse of me as my sword ripped through his throat, killing him instantly. The third guard didnt have a clue what was going on before I cut through his mid-section with the sword. I took the guard's bow, and knocked an arrow. Taking aim, I shot the arrow towards one of the guard's head. The arrow ripped through his head and struck the sentry next to him, killing him instantly. Just two more.. I thought to myself. The only problem was, the two guards were on the Tower over-looking the castle walls. 

Hi there.

This is rather short for a post. But i hope you finish story off.

Anyway. There's a few grammatical errors in this. But i don't really care. We are human yes?

I like the opening paragraph, all I'd say is describe the castle in more detail. That would set the scene for the rest of your story. Good job.

~ T.K

P.S: This also reminded me of AC. Go the Brotherhood.

Hi there!

So, I want to start off with the first two lines, which REALLY reminded my of Assassin's Creed.

A blade in the crowd... That's what we are...

Now, I'm going to focus on something EXTREMELY nitpicky for a moment. Don't hate me too much. I think that if you want to use the word "we", you should pluralize the word "blade". In the next action sequence, it appears that your guy is working alone so far, so even if these assassin people that have yet to be identified work together as a unit when they're actually together, they also work separately. This means that the public would views them as many people, instead as a single organism. Also, I think that you could take out the word "A", if you make it plural.
Told you it was nitpicky.

I watched the castle from the edge of the surrounding forest. The moon shone upon the walls, outlining the guards patrolling it. You could go into a little bit more description here if you want to, just to set the scene.
I counted a total of seven guards.I would describe the wall more-- is it curved, circular, the city walls? How could the assassin see ALL of the guards if it was a castle wall, which are usually curved and filled with lots of nooks?
It wasn't anything i couldnt take care of. Nice feeling of nonchalance here, but I think that even experienced assassins would feel a bit of trepidation, and maybe an adrenaline rush starting here.

I ran towards the wall under the protection of darkness. As soon as I got there, I grabbed stones jutting out from the wall and started pulling myself up. The first guard started to look over the wall, so I pressed myself against the wall as flat as I could. The guard just grunted and started to move away, that's when I made my move. I propelled myself over the wall and threw a dagger into the first guard's back.while he was falling, I pulled out my sword and jumped over his still falling body. The second guard only caught a glimpse of me as my sword ripped through his throat, killing him instantly. The third guard didnt have a clue what was going on before I cut through his mid-section with the sword. I took the guard's bow, and knocked an arrow. Taking aim, I shot the arrow towards one of the guard's head. The arrow ripped through his head and struck the sentry next to him, killing him instantly. Just two more.. I thought to myself. The only problem was, the two guards were on the Tower over-looking the castle walls.

Okay. It was going to get a little confusing had I continued to work in the text.
Now, your text is full of little phrases like these:
"under the protection of darkness"
"stones jutting out from the wall "
"killing him instantly"
I can probably walk over to my bookshelf, about 3 meters away, and pick up a book and find these phrases. Provided it has a fight scene (which, knowing my love for fantasy books, most of them do). If you really want this fight scene to stand out and grab your reader, you need to make your own way and create your own style of doing this. Include descriptions and metaphors that we've never seen before that will really make this come to life. Describe the fluid moments in which the assassin moves, and we'll start to feel like we're moving to. Give SOME sort of justification for what he's doing; we don't even know his motives right now. And finally: why are the two guards on the tower over-looking to castle walls going to be a problem?

Overall:
I think that if you fixed up the grammar and gave some more effort into description and background, this could be a really strong fight scene. You obviously know where you want to go, and what you want this to look like, but you have to remember to share that with the reader. Once you work on that, this will be great.
Nice job. Let me know if you edit this or add on to it, and I'll definitely take another look at it.

-Coral-

So, I'm going to go through and edit, and then give you my opinion. While the reviewer above me has most of it down, I thought I'd go through and say what I think--even if I'm probably being redundant.

"A blade in the crowd... That's what we are...

(As she said; putting 'Blades in the crowd' might be better. Also, as those are both fragments you should combine them like so: 'Blades in the crowd...that's what we were...' .)

I watched the castle from the edge of the surrounding forest. The moon shone upon the walls, outlining the guards patrolling it. I counted a total of seven guards. It wasn't anything i couldnt take care of.

(This is a very emotionless scene. While you should stay away from adjectives and adverbs, maybe try to describe more on this. Maybe state a reason for your character being there? And remember that all i's should be capitalized if they stand alone. 'It wasn't anything I couldn't take care of.' Maybe give a slight indication of why, other than the fact there are just seven guards--which would seem like a lot to a normal person?)

I ran towards the wall under the protection of darkness. As soon as I got there, I grabbed stones jutting out from the wall and started pulling myself up. The first guard started to look over the wall, so I pressed myself against the wall as flat as I could. The guard just grunted and started to move away, that's when I made my move. I propelled myself over the wall and threw a dagger into the first guard's back.while he was falling, I pulled out my sword and jumped over his still falling body. The second guard only caught a glimpse of me as my sword ripped through his throat, killing him instantly. The third guard didnt have a clue what was going on before I cut through his mid-section with the sword. I took the guard's bow, and knocked an arrow. Taking aim, I shot the arrow towards one of the guard's head. The arrow ripped through his head and struck the sentry next to him, killing him instantly. Just two more.. I thought to myself. The only problem was, the two guards were on the Tower over-looking the castle walls.

(As mentioned 'under the protection of darkness' is a little cliche. 'I was protected by the darkness' or 'the shadows made a veil around me' or such might be better. You don't want it to be like a one-word-off 'under the cover of darkness'. Next, I'd suggest making 'The first guard started to look over the wall, so I pressed myself against the wall as flat as I could.' into two sentences. 'The first guard started to look over the wall. I pressed myself against the wall as flat as I could.' But either way is fine, I suppose. It just seemed quicker.
Also, 'tower' should not be capitalized. It's not a proper noun, like 'West Tower' or such.
I'd also like the questions of why he the guard grunted, who this kid is, and where this story is based, also. Using words like 'sheath' and such could help describe the weapons better. 'I pulled my sword from its sheath', etc. I don't know. It's good so far, but there are some spacing issues and typos. Work on these simple things and your work will look much more polished, however--in my opinion, of course. But it's an interesting enough idea. I just don't feel much for the character. So far he, or she, seems like a pretty heartless and cruel individual.)

I think that covers it. I hope that all helps.

I didn't feel like reading everybody's reviews, so I might repeat something already said:

I like the excitement and action, but right now it's rather emotionless and "Oh another spy/assassin story. Fun."
To me, I thought you used too many "I" sentences. I did this, I did that. Not sure how you can fix that, and I understand that that is kinda what is going on right now, but it bugged me for some reason.

What are the character's thought? Is he nervous? Is he sad he has to kill people? Uncaring, just part of the job? What would be the consequences if he gets caught and fails to kill the seven guards? What castle IS this? Why does he have to kill the guards anyway? (It would imply that he was sneaking into the castle, but why, if so?)

Describe the surroundings. Is the moon bright, dull? Are there trees? Is he coming from a forest? A road? Are there dogs barking? Crickets cheeping? Shadows? Just things to ad a little to the reader's imagination and picture. Right now it's just some random guy attacking a castle and killing seven innocent guards for no reason. There is the edge of suspense, which is good. You want to find out if he kills the two last guards, and why he is killing them in the first place.

Well it’s good, the word choice is not great but it has poetical, I think you should continue with the story. It sounds a little broad like I guess not really specific, but I got the picture. You should try to go into detail more, and try not to use the same words, I like the way you ended it. For example I don’t know what your character looks like or what the guards look like, what time of day was it, was the wall surrounding some thing was he trying to get in or escape like prison or something. It’s good but with some work it could be great. And make it longer it would be a great story if it was longer.

How very violent.
I have to ask, why so violent anyway? I think either you have a lot of anger built up or you are really creative. There were minor errors that can be quickly fixed.
I like the imagination but you should explain more on the subject. Who is he attacking? Is it a he? Why is he attacking and killing? I think that this could really be something.
Work on it, add to it. Hope you write more on it.

A blade in the crowd... That's what we are...

I watched the castle from the edge of the surrounding forest. The moon shone upon the walls, outlining the guards patrolling it. * I agree with what someone else said earlier-I'd love to see some more description here. Night time when the moon is out is one of the most beautiful sights there is; its a shame there's not more immersion here * I counted a total of seven guards. It wasn't anything i couldnt take care of.

I ran towards the wall under the protection of darkness. As soon as I got there, I grabbed stones jutting out from the wall and started pulling myself up. The first guard started to look over the wall, so I pressed myself against the wall as flat as I could. *I'd suggest putting some physical description of what you're like at this-how you're breathing, what you're thinking etc. * The guard just grunted and started to move away, that's when I made my move. I propelled myself over the wall and threw a dagger into the first guard's back.while he was falling, I pulled out my sword and jumped over his still falling body. The second guard only caught a glimpse of me as my sword ripped through his throat, killing him instantly. The third guard didnt have a clue what was going on before I cut through his mid-section with the sword. I took the guard's bow, and knocked an arrow. Taking aim, I shot the arrow towards one of the guard's head. The arrow ripped through his head and struck the sentry next to him, killing him instantly. Just two more.. I thought to myself. The only problem was, the two guards were on the Tower over-looking the castle walls.

Very nice!

Again, there were no major gramatical mistakes and a good story.

Evening. Here to review, as usual.

Your first two sentences reek of ellipsis abuse. I'd cut them out, as they have no relation to the story whatsoever. They feign meaning and prance about flaunting their superiority, but any sane person with an eye can observe how empty they really are. Gimmicky hook, and a terrible one at that. It stinks of desperation on the part of the writer; it's as if you crave the audience's attention and are willing to go to absurd lengths in order to capture it.

Nobody likes the desperate; keep that in mind when you write.

Your prose is bland, and I didn't realize this was supposed to a fight scene until I was well into it. It dragged on and on, and the sentence patterns never switched up. They follow the same formula every single time, unless the sentence happens to be a run-on.

When you write a fight scene, you have one more restriction added to your list of dos and don'ts. You need to keep your sentences succinct. Keep them simple and bare. No accessories, no complex sentences, and definitely no compound sentences. Short and loud, preferably. You want time to move quickly for the reader, and the best way to accomplish this is to pare down your sentences. Similarly, if you want time to tick by slowly, then zoom in and focus on plenty of details. Lengthen your sentences.

From what little I see, your character is quite the talented assassin, isn't he? Let's be completely serious, though. Seven guards aren't likely to fall to one man alone, and this is verging on absurd. What are these guards, mannequins? Guards, contrary to the belief popular among fantasy writers, aren't buffoons picked out from the streets. They undergo rigorous training and it's unlikely that a single man can take down so many at once. Those last two guards must be stupid or blind to not have noticed anything, or have heard any sounds. When a man is struck, he makes a sound. This sound ought to alert the other guards, and the likelihood of their being trained to ring an alarm when one of their own has fallen is very high.

Do keep that in mind as you write the rest of the piece. You, my friend, will need to jump through hurdles and rings of fire if you wish to convince me your protagonist is not a Sue and capable of accomplishing this nigh impossible task on his own.

Hey, this sounds like a pretty good action scene except for a couple things. It reads like you're typing very fast and don't stop to edit. While in the first stage of writing this is a good thing (not stopping to edit means your creative juices flow faster), it's a good idea to go back over and proofread, which it doesn't look like you did. The sentence, "While he was falling, I pulled out my sword and leapt over his still-falling body." sounds a bit redundant. It might sound better as, "his body hadn't hit the ground before I leapt over it." or something like that.
There were also some spelling errors. When you prepare an arrow it's spelled "nocking" (though spellcheck doesn't think so).
Also, with the two statements at the beginning. You could keep them, but you really need to find proper paragraphs for them. They make absolutely no sense otherwise. You say, "we," but your main character is a lone operative. You don't explain the who, the why, the what...
But hey, action scenes are action scenes. There's really not much background you can add to it when you're just in an action scene sort of mood.