Young Writers Society

hello everyone!
I had a bit of a authors crisis and have not written for over three months. this is the fist thing I have even attempted to write. it is going to be part of a much longer piece I am planning. if you so choose to review it, please be gentle. I am looking for comments on story smoothness, not grammar or punctuation. I am a dyslexic and am fully aware of my downfalls in that area.

thanks,
~Shadowlight~

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East of the moon and west of the sun, where there horizon reaches its uttermost limits, where sky and sea melt together lies the land of Drallion.


Drallion is split into nine great empires or kingdoms. On the northern seacoast there is Ithirica a mighty kingdom led by a royal house that has been in power for hundreds of years. In the north-land plains along The Road is the smaller but prosperous kingdom of Britaine.

In the east there are three mighty countries. On the coast nestled between the sea and The Road is the empire Tibiiwan. A strange country, the rule is not passed to the son but to the daughter, a beautiful empire ruled by a long line of empresses. On the island belt just of the coast is the tiny empire of Jaipine, a wealthy sea trading country. In the harsh mountains and high plains on the easternmost limits of The Road is the empire of Napurr a country of herdsmen and scattered villages ruled by the leading religion's leader in the capital of Nagniss.

In the south there are many small kingdoms but the chief of these is Kuluwaihii set closest to the eastern boarder it is the lifeline of trade between Napurr and the south.

In the west there is the kingdom of Sunuma which lies in the steamy jungle of Sunum. Mountainous pyramids of carved white limestone stand taller that the tallest trees cutting though the deep green growth, priest kings rule a superstitious people. In the low floodplains is the kingdom of Babgypt the mightiest of the western countries. Iron fists of it's royal house have ruled here for over a thousand years. The land is fertile from the great river and it is rich in trade for The Road splits the country in half. The furthermost country is the small city-kingdom Raputan. Set in the center of the harsh desert of Yarl. Built as a place of pilgrimage, the oasis in the center of it's great temple complex is thought to be holy. The city is a rich caravan stop. It connects the great mines of Geershan with the rest of the world.

Hello I am here to... do stuff... .-.

Anyway, I know that your going to add it later on, but for this piece, it's like a prologue. Since you are describing the background only. I am however, am hooked in to see how this would come out. For the smoothness of the story... well... it's smooth like peanut butter lol.
You're going in a good pace of describing each empires/kingdoms. And that's from a person who make a story happens way too fast. Overall, I am hoping to read it once you add the other rest of the contents ^-^
BTW: I suddenly have this image of Hawaii when I see the kingdom/empire's name lol. It just feel like it.

Hello there Shadowlight!

Well I thought the plot so far is quite creative. Now I'm going to take this as an abstract instead of a well established story because it looks like one. I think the whole I idea sounds promising and it probably will be a hit once expanded. So don't keep us waiting too long and will away that writers block! lol
Keep writing and good luck

Hey there!

I actually really liked the opening sentence. It was nicely written and felt very um, magical? I suppose that could be the word for it. Anyway, I find many people having troubles with openers so I thought I'd mention that I liked yours. However, this was like a...written map? I'm not sure how this qualifies as a short story when they're isn't any problem or resolution. However, it's still writing and I will say this, you have nice wording and structure. I like how you didn't just state the things but actually 'showed' us using some nice words and flow. Good job.

-Pink

Thanks to everyone who reviewed my story!
To clear something up, this is the beginning of a story. it isn't finished, or complete, just a wee little bit.
and I was trying to make it as a written map! I'm so glad people are understanding that!

I want to throw a nitpick in there. You use the word 'might' to describe both Ithirica and the three kingdoms to the east. Obviously an unimportant detail, but it was bugging me for some reason.

I have to say, regardless of whether this is technically a story or not, I liked this just as it was. It's the descriptions. As soon as I read the opening sentence I knew I was going to love this, and I did. The written map analogy works perfectly, that's essentially what it is. And as a part of a larger story, this really sets the scene for a great piece. Good work!
You said you are dyslexic, but I have absolutely no grammar or spelling complaints. You were obviously well on top of that when you wrote this. I see a lot more spelling errors from people who call themselves 'senior writers' or 'novelists' on this site, so to read a piece that was both spotlessly written and had absolutely amazing descriptions was brilliant.
Please keep writing! I just know this piece will be amazing when it's written.
Crow29