Young Writers Society

There you sat, knees tucked to your chest, with your book in hand and your glasses sitting rigid on your face.

Your eyes smiled when you read the good parts and darkened at the bad. Beside you the fire crackled and danced as your small daughter opened the door, letting cold gusts of air wrap their chilly arms around the small cylinder shaped room. Your daughter skipped up to you and curled herself up close where she shook your arms and tapped your shoulder, silently asking you to read the story to her.

You flattened the pages with the curled edges from being read numerous times. The pages were yellow and stained with little drawings and doodles drawn by your little girl. The rabbits pranced on the page, scattered over the words making it difficult to read. You kissed her hair, inhaling deeply and began to read the story. Your voice was low and soft as you read each word. The musical nots that drifted from your mouth soothed her and soon her delicite eyelids had fluttered closed. You entangled her hair in your huge, farmer hands and kissed her forehead before getting up and adding a couple of logs to the dimming fire.

Your beautiful wife entered the small, cosy room with two mugs of hot tea and fresh brown bread with melted butter. Her glossy brown hair was tied into a light pony-tail and her dark mallow eyes were framed by long, delicate eyelashes. She wore a checked apron over a floor-length floral dress and her slender fingers curled over the tray she was holding. She always left you in awe of her.You smiled up at her and took hold of the tray letting her sit down before handing her the supper she had prepared. Beside her you sat close sharing stories about the 'good ol' times' whilst fingering each strand of her hair in your hands. As night closed in your wife's eyes drifted closed so you fetched some blankets and covered both her and your daughter. It was late while you sat sipping the tea contently and let your mind run free over the many events you had uncovered in your lifetime, some plesant and some not. You too fell asleep beside the bright fire, in the small room in the heart of the Crackdun Forest.

You woke up to the smell of porridge oats and freshly-picked berries. You smiled because you knew what was coming. Your eyes twinkled as you postioned yourself on the front step of the little house and peered out into clearing. It was early morning and the pink sun was just rising over the hills. You heard the sound of feet on the cold un-even wooden floor and turned to see your daughter coming toward you holding out her little hand. You took it in yours, the size of her hands compared to your big ones never failed to amaze you. You sat down on the hand-made step and hoisted her up onto your lap. By now the sun was up and your wife was calling you for breakfast.

The day went by slowly, you knew that these days here were numbered so you savoured each part, like a hard sweet seeping juice onto your tongue. You and your wife sat outside eating breakfast watching your daughter sing and attempt to pet the flocking gulls, before settling with just looking at them. You smiled and put your arm around your wife. Tears of joy trickled down your wrinkled cheeks as you counted the many blessings God had given you in life. For life was such a frail thing and when you had it good you held on to it like you would never let it go.
You wanted me to finish this story with your favorite quote;

You can't change your colour and you can't change your skin but you can determine the way your life goes by how you live it.

THANKS GUYS. ENJOY. I REALLY LIKE WRITING THIS. APPRECIATE YOUR REVIEWS. ALSO IM NOT SURE IF THE TITLE EXACTLY FITS. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Hello kaka!

I'm not going to go into depth, but I just wanted to give you a general impression. I thought this story was sweet, but I think you had it in the right place the first time. It isn't really action/adventure but I do think that the title is fitting. You gave a nice image of a peaceful family living with one another in harmony. It was very pastoral and made me sort of nostalgic for the simple days of childhood. Overall, it's a very sweet story and almost a little sad since we get the faint impression that the man is contemplating the eventual end of his existence.

The only thing that I found a little odd was the point of view...I think it might be better read if it was third person rather than second person...only because it isn't seen very often. Most people either use first or third which are what most readers are consequently used to seeing. It's definitely something different. I wouldn't necessarily say it's bad, but it is a bit odd to read. Well, I hope this helps!

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Wowzas, Kaka! That was good! It was really cute, about family and... life, duh! I liked it, and you should keep writing peices like this. It was really good.

~Tee

Thank you very much everyone!
I like writing it!!
Aprreciated.. *Hugs*
Kaka x

Wow, i don't read many stories in 2nd person view and i guess it showed when i had to re-read this. Once i did, i began to understand. It is quite good, I'm guessing that your basing this off your family? Because it seems very personally detailed, such as:

"The musical notes that drifted from your mouth soothed her and soon her delicate eyelids had fluttered closed. You entangled her hair in your huge, farmer hands and kissed her forehead before getting up and adding a couple of logs to the dimming fire."

It is very nice. Perhaps you could write it in 3rd person?

I really liked it, felt i was there looking at the family. I really really really enjoyed reading that piece of work

Thanks guys. I don't like the title still. Help? xD

'Alo!

I'm going to start with a few nit-picky things, then get on to the overall bits after.

Beside you the fire crackled and danced as your small daughter opened the door, letting cold gusts of air wrap their chilly arms around the small cylinder shaped room.

This is very nit-picky, but that should be hyphenated: "cylinder-shaped."

You flattened the pages with the curled edges from being read numerous times and began to read the story.

This sentence feels like a bit of a run-on. Maybe try: "You flattened the pages with the curled edges (from being read numerous times) and began to read the story."

Your beautiful wife entered the small, cosy room with two mugs of hot tea and fresh brown bread with melted butter.

My complaint about this is a rather complicated one, and I don't know if I'll be able to explain it very well... but I'll try. ^.~ I think the underlined part could be a lot more powerful. For this piece, it seems like her beauty would be her beauty through his eyes--the kind of beauty that you see in someone you love regardless of their physical appearance. What you have now (mentioning her beauty briefly and only in passing) feels like you're saying "he has it good: cozy house, cute daughter, beautiful wife..." It feels cheap and synthetic, and the rest of the piece feels very down-to-earth and sincere, so this part popped out to me. I think this would be remedied if you elaborated on her beauty. If you elaborated on how, through his eyes, she is the most beautiful thing in the world and when she walks into the room he is flooded with awe. Does that make sense?

Beside her, you sat close sharing stories about the 'good ol' times' and worries about your daughters future.

Firstly, that should be "daughter's" not "daughters." Secondly, this is just a matter of opinion, but I think this sentence would sound better if you put the "beside her" after the "you sat close" thus: "You sat close beside her, sharing stories about the 'good ol' times' and worries about your daughter's future." Also, the mention of worry felt a little out of place because it was the first negative thing we heard in the piece. I think you should either elaborate on it (give some examples of their worries, like how they're going to pay for college, etc.) or you should take this out and let the negative aspects of the story be more subtle.

You took it in yours, the size of her hands compared to your big ones never failed to amaze you.

This feels a little choppy and out-of-place. Either delete it or modify it. Maybe try something like: "As you took it in yours, the difference in size amazed you. It always amazed you." Meh. I don't know--that's not great either... play with it, ey?

The day went by slowly, you knew that these days here were numbered so you savoured each part, like a hard sweet seeping juice onto your tongue.

Firstly, that first comma isn't right. It should either be a period (or semi-colon, I guess) or you should put an "and" after it. Secondly, the part about the juice doesn't make sense... I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say, but if I'm guessing correctly, maybe try something like: "...like a hard, sweet juice seeping onto your tongue."

You and your wife sat outside eating lunch watching your daughter sing and attempt to pet the flocking gulls, before settling with just looking at them.

Do you mean breakfast? ^.~ Also, I'm not sure the kid should be singing--it just sounds a little too... ideal. This kind of piece is in constant danger of becoming cheesy, and for the most part you've done very well, but the fact that she's singing kind of makes this sentence fall into the cheese, if you know what I mean. ^.^

You wanted me to finish this story with your favorite quote;

I think that should be a colon (:) not a semi-colon (;).
--------------------------

Wow! That was really sweet! Like I said before, pieces like this are often very cheesy, but you managed to make it sentimental and nostalgic without making it corny. I think this worked because the writing was very heart-felt. I can tell that you had a lot of fun writing this, and because of that I had a lot of fun to read. It is very personal and sweet. I like the subtle sadness--I like that you didn't say anything explicitly sad, really, but the story was still a little sad because there was a definite "too good to be true" kind of sentiment throughout the piece. I know that these good days aren't going to last forever. Plus, I like the second person. I really like it. I know other people are saying you should change it to third, but... I disagree. I think the second person perspective makes the story all the more personal, and when I'm reading it I really feel like I am living it. Good job!

Now, after that gush, there are some things that I could be improved upon. ^.^ The first thing I'm going to say is really just a suggestion; a matter of opinion. You see, I'm a little curious about who the narrator is. I wonder who it is that the man wanted to end the story with his favorite quote. I guess it doesn't really matter, and if you want the reader to wonder about it that's fine, but I'm really curious. ^.^

My bigger issue was your details. Most of the story is very broad. There are specific descriptions, like what they are eating, but most of the piece feels like it could apply to anyone. The man ("you") feels like he could be anyone. I like this because it makes the story all the more personal, as anyone can imagine that they are them. For example, I imagined the room with the fire being my own living room and I imagined the front stoop being my own front stoop. I like this effect. But it was sort of ruined by certain details that you added, like saying that the room was cylinder-shaped, or mentioning that they lived in the heart of a forest called the Crackdun Forest. These kinds of details make the story seem too specific to one person. Not broad enough.

As for the title: I can see why you don't like it, (it feels a little presumptions to title a piece "life") but I really don't mind it, to be honest. I guess you could make it be something from the quote ("How You Live it," maybe?) but I think it's fine the way it is. It's a bit profound, but I don't think it's all that bad.

All in all, I'm glad you asked me to review this! It is a sweet story and it was fun to read. I do agree with baywolf, though: this should not be in Action/Adventure Short Stories. There's no action/adventure in it! It should be in General.

Anyway, I hope some of what I've said helps you a little. Please feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or anything about my review. I'll get to your other piece as soon as I can. ^.^

a

Aw thank you. Again I'll work on it. I'm going straight to the edit button. Hehe.
Thanks everyone

Made me feel warm and cozy inside. The descriptions are evocative and vivid; I felt like I was in a little cottage, falling asleep by the hearth...

Good, exactly the feeling I wanyted to get across!

I think that the way you write the story is really good. Just that I felt that this short story should be a poem instead. I think it will much better if you wrote it in poem form as poems can express emotions and feelings more freely. I'm just saying.