Young Writers Society

I wrote this for a Humanities class last year. I love throwing a twist on commonly accepted stories. I would love to learn other people's views on this, so please comment!




I lay, eyes wide near the feet of my Lord Beowulf. I could tell by the quickness of his breathing that he was as awake as I. I’m pretty sure that we were the only ones who hadn’t gotten drunk on Hrothgar’s famous golden mead.

Trembling, I drew my blankets around me, lightly touching the hilt of the sword that the merciful hero had given to me. This was when he had found me, a young orphan boy only ten years of age, among the armor on his ship in the middle of the ocean. When I had proclaimed and sworn ultimate loyalty to him, should I be allowed to accompany him, and ever be at his side.

“Wulfgar,” I heard the mighty hero murmur. I sat up. He had already assumed a sitting position. “Listen.” I obeyed. A heavy thumping was approaching the hall of Hrothgar, very quickly. “Wulfgar-----” The door suddenly shuddered ferociously. All of Heorot groaned. Beowulf pushed me out of the way just as the heavy door flew into the hall, landing in the exact place that I had been laying only a second before. I froze.

The most hideous monster I had ever seen had burst through the gaping doorway. Its red eyes flashed angrily. I scurried out of the way as Beowulf leaped to his feet. The monster, Grendel, roared in laughter. Not seeing the golden and strong form of my master, it reached a hairy, enormous arm out and lifted a slumber-some thane, and ate him. I could have been sick, but foolishly let out a feeble cry of dismay instead. It didn’t hear me. Instead, it reached for the praised hero, Beowulf, who was as stunned as I upon seeing the thane killed so.

Well aware that timing was everything, I hurled the nearest thing that I could lift at it, a drinking horn. It looked at me, and, distracted from its previous prey, my master, it turned on me. I shrieked.

Somehow, my cry must have shook Beowulf from his trance, because one moment Death and I are locked in each other’s gaze, and the next my lord, my savior, my glorious care-taker, was grappling with the hand that would have seized me.
The thanes were all awake now, though still groggy with drunkenness, but bewildered. No one, save my master and the beast, moved.

I admired my master. His superhuman strength surely compared to that of a god’s, and he was even a match, perhaps more, for Grendel. The true colors of my master shown through then, and I realized how unworthy I was to even kneel before him.

Grendel cried out mournfully in fear and pain as his bones began to break, and his skin began to tear. Seeing a small line of blood from a widening cut on the top of his shoulder, I sprang into action. Snatching up the sword that Beowulf had given to me,, I leapt onto a table that had not been over turned by the fight, and from there leapt the twelve feet to Grendel’s monstrous shoulder. With a triumphant bellow, I plunged the sword into the wound, and moved it vigorously from side to side, ripping muscle, sawing bone. Finally after a few fleeting seconds of this, Beowulf gave a last mighty heave, and ripped the monster’s arm from its socket.

The monster beneath me moaned, and I just lay in a relieved stupor there on his shoulder; covered in blood, and clutching the sword with white knuckles. Then Grendel ran out the empty doorway, and left me in a grimy heap on the floor. Beowulf was at my side in an instant.

“Wulfgar.” He said, looking me in the eye, pride and admiration sparkling in his. “You saved me twice over this night, boy. You have surely proven your worth. Had you not loosened the flesh for me, I might still be battling with the monster yet. It is an honor to have so valiant a lad serving me. Together we have conquered.”

“Aye,” I said slowly and hesitantly, still somewhat smarting from the fall off Grendel’s shoulder. “But you’ll be the one who’s remembered.”

He smiled down at me. “True. But I’ll always remember you.”

And as he helped me to my feet, and waved his trophy aloft, I smiled too. We stood there, cheering thanes and wenches surrounding us. My master grinned down at me again. My hero was proud of me.

Good,like it

Really? Thank you... but is that it? Did it flow well? Did it make sense? Were there any awkward places? I'm desperate to know!

Awesome! It's got some simplicity to it and one would believe it follows the Beowolf story quite well if they hadn't read the story before. Well done!

Thank you!

Ello there pet! I, Stephanie the Warrior Princess, shall be reviewing your story today. Let me start out by saying I love the action; it's not an easy feat to write a good action scene, but you have done it, and I applaud you for that. *applause* Now, let's get to everyone's favorite part: NITPICKS!!! Muwahaaahaaha. (The parts in bold are my comments or corrections.)

I lay, eyes wide, near the feet of my Lord Beowulf. I could tell by the quickness of his breathing that he was as awake as I. I’m pretty sure that we were the only ones who hadn’t gotten drunk on Hrothgar’s famous golden mead. Haha. This part made me laugh.

Trembling, I drew my blankets around me, lightly touching the hilt of the sword that the merciful hero had given to me when he had found me, a young orphan boy only ten years of age, among the armor on his ship in the middle of the ocean; when I had proclaimed and sworn ultimate loyalty to him, should I be allowed to accompany him, and ever be at his side. This sentence is pretty long and a tad confusing, what with all the subordinate clauses. Perhaps dividing it into two sentences would make it easier to read?

“Wulfgar,” I heard the mighty hero murmur. I sat up. He had already assumed a sitting position. “Listen.” I obeyed. A heavy thumping was approaching the hall of Hrothgar, very quickly. “Wulfgar-----” A new paragraph should begin here.The door suddenly shuddered ferociously. All of Heorot groaned. Wait, what is Heorot? It's probably in the original Beowulf, but maybe you could give a little info for those of us who haven't read it. Beowulf pushed me out of the way just as the heavy door flew into the hall, landing in the exact place that I had been lying only a second before. I froze.

The most hideous monster I had ever seen had burst through the gaping doorway. Its red eyes flashed angrily. A little more description of what the monster looked like would be nice.I scurried out of the way as Beowulf leaped to his feet. The monster, Grendel, roared in laughter. Not seeing the golden and strong form of my master, (This particular description amused me; do I sense a bit of hero worship on the part of Wulfgar?) it reached a hairy, enormous arm out and lifted a slumber-some (slumber-some, interesting word!) thane, and ate him. I love how this sentence goes from wordy and descriptive to "ate him." I could have been sick, but foolishly let out a feeble cry of dismay instead. It didn’t hear me. Instead, it reached for the praised hero, Beowulf, who was as stunned as I upon seeing the thane killed so.

Well aware that timing was everything, I hurled the nearest thing that I could lift at it, a drinking horn. This also made me laugh, for some reason. It looked at me, and, distracted from its previous prey, my master, it turned on me. I shrieked. How old is this kid, exactly? One doesn't generally think of a teenage boy shrieking.....

Somehow, my cry must have shook Beowulf from his trance, because one moment Death and I were locked in each other’s gaze, and the next my lord, my savior, my glorious care-taker, was grappling with the hand that would have seized me. Wow, poor Wulfgar has got the hero worship BAD, now doesn't he?

The thanes were all awake now, though still groggy with drunkenness, but bewildered. This seemed a little redundant. If they're groggy and hungover, it goes without saying that they're gonna be slightly bewildered. No one, save my master and the beast, moved.

I admired my master. Really now? His superhuman strength surely compared to that of a god’s, and he was even a match, perhaps more, for Grendel. The true colors of my master shown through then, and I realized how unworthy I was to even kneel before him.

Grendel cried out mournfully in fear and pain as his bones began to break, and his skin began to tear. Seeing a small line of blood from a widening cut on the top of his shoulder, I sprang into action. Snatching up the sword that Beowulf had given to me, I leapt onto a table that had not been over turned by the fight, and from there leapt the twelve feet to Grendel’s monstrous shoulder. Why on earth is this kid cowering behind his master when he can leap twelve freakin feet in a single bound??? With a triumphant bellow, I plunged the sword into the wound, and moved it vigorously from side to side, ripping muscle, sawing bone. Finally after a few fleeting seconds of this, Beowulf gave a last mighty heave, and ripped the monster’s arm from its socket. I can't say I enjoy reading graphic descriptions of blood and violence, but you handled it well.

The monster beneath me moaned, and I just lay (I would take out the word "just" here; it seems a bit informal for the tone) in a relieved stupor there on his shoulder; covered in blood, and clutching the sword with white knuckles. Then Grendel ran out the empty doorway, and left me in a grimy heap on the floor. Beowulf was at my side in an instant.

“Wulfgar,” he said, looking me in the eye, pride and admiration sparkling in his. “You saved me twice over this night, boy. You have surely proven your worth. Had you not loosened the flesh for me, I might still be battling with the monster yet. It is an honor to have so valiant a lad serving me. Together we have conquered.”

“Aye,” I said slowly and hesitantly, still somewhat smarting from the fall off Grendel’s shoulder. Haha. A healthy dose of realism. “But you’ll be the one who’s remembered.”

He smiled down at me. “True. But I’ll always remember you.” But--but--but--why shouldn't Wulfgar be remembered too? I mean, he did just about as much as Beowulf did.

And as he helped me to my feet, and waved his trophy aloft, I smiled too. Eeeeewww!! He waved the severed arm??? lol.We stood there, cheering thanes and wenches surrounding us. Wenches? Where did they come from? Wouldn't we have heard the damsels shrieking? I know I would have been! My master grinned down at me again. My hero was proud of me. D'awww.

Wow, I gotta catch my breath after all that. XD Looking at all those nitpicks, you probably think I hated it, when actually the opposite is true. I liked it quite a lot, and I could easily see it fitting into a larger story.

Wulfgar's blind devotion and almost obsessive admiration of Beowulf was good for laughs, but the problem is, it presents a very one-dimensional view of his character. Doesn't he ever get even slightly ticked off at his master, or feel like he's always stealing the spotlight? Of course, I realize it can be very difficult to describe a well-rounded character in such a short story, but perhaps you could show us another side of Wulfgar's personality, however briefly.

Good job on the whole! Keep writing!

~Warrior Princess

Oh, not at all Warrior Princess! Your many edits just shows me that you like it; that's why people improve things. I will repost this with your edits, so tell me what you think again then.

What a great story!

I thought it flowed well, so no comments there.

It was also entertaining. My definition of entertainment is, "The length of time till I'm bored." And yet, I was never bored!

Was it awkward? Not at all- in fact, I think your deep imagery and purer language make for better reading than restrained works. A vigorous style (such as yours) makes a visceral aura that surrounds the characters, making it feel real.

I do have a mild criticism, though. Since you're prose is so well-developed, you don't really need adverbs. I noticed that you had strong choices of words for the verbs, so in most instances you can cut verb-helpers such as "ferociously" or "kindly."

Overall, it's great! Keep writing!

Hey, this was great! there weren't any awkward places and you had a great flow. You used great words throughout, you conveyed the story well. I noticed some great vocabulary! I noticed the second paragraph was one long sentencE! you could split that up so it flowed better. I didn't notice anything else major, nothign that Warrior princess has't already covered. Great story!