Young Writers Society

TAKING OVER

I woke up a bit drowsy. Today, to many people's beliefs, was the last day of our lives: December 21st, 2012. The last day on the Mayan Calender. I stretched as I slowly eased off my comfortable bed. I made my way out of my cramped, dirty bedroom and into the living room. My parents were into a heated conversation that I could not keep up with nor follow. I sat down onto the leather couch and grabbed the remote control off of the glass table.

I flipped on my big television set. The president was on TV - making an important announcement, it seemed. "And..as I conclude, I declare myself president for life." After the announcement there were several gasps from the television. I had to reprocess that in my mind. I was terrified and apparently my parents had heard him as well. We all remained sitting, frozen, in the living room. I flipped through all the channels and it was on repeat, broadcasting through each channel.

All of our eyes were glued to the TV screen. I don't think it made any sense to them either. It was so unsuspected.

----

Just thinking of what all of you thought, I'm not planning on finishing it. It's just what I call a story bit, the beginning of a story that I never finish. I do it all the time. Decided I would post this one.

Hi, I'm Mia, and here is the review!

OK, so, overall, a pretty great opening. I was intrigued as to where it was going: the twist was that although I expected something happening to do with the "end of the world" the presidential thing was a surprise!

Just a couple of nit-picks!

xLogan wrote:The president was on TV making an important announcement it seemed.

OK. This sentence is a little awkward... why not try:

The president was on TV - making an important announcement, it seemed.

"And..As I conclude, I declare myself president for life."

The "a" of "as" doesn't need to be capitalised.

It was so unsuspected.

"Unexpected" would be better. "Unsuspected" doesn't make sense.

Overall, however, great job!

Keep writing!

Mia x

Hello xLogan,

I have to say, this sounds like a really good beginning for a story. If you continue you it, I will most likely read it. MissMiaFacinelli did a pretty good job with grammar, so most of what I have to say is opinion.
First off, if you are going to continue this story, you should get kind of a clear idea of where you are going with it. You don't have to write an outline (unless that's your style) but you should have a least a small idea of where you are going, or you might get sidetracked.

xLogan wrote: I made my way out of my cramped, dirty bedroom and into the living room.

Was the bedroom dirty, like with dirt, or just cluttered? What furniture was in it? Just a bed, or was there a dresser, too? All these details are not necessary right at this moment, but you should know the answers.

xLogan wrote:My parents were into a heated conversation that I could not keep up with nor follow.

What do his/her parents look like? Did he catch any words of their argument, or just block it out completely? Also, if you are going to say, "nor follow" you need to say "neither keep up with." If you want to say, "not keep up," you should probably say, "or follow." Correct grammar is "neither, nor." At least I think that is correct.

Last thing.

xLogan wrote:I flipped on my big television set.

Did you mean to say "my"? If so, you should clarify why the main character calls it their own.
I hope all that makes sense. If it doesn't, you can Private Message me and I will try to make it clearer. I probably missed something, so I hope some-one else reviews it after me!
May GOD be with you as you write.

Hey Logan! I'm Kate. I love this 'opening' and really encourage you to finish it. Much to my dismay, I do the same thing all the time. Start writing a story I thought of and all it does is sit in my computer files. However, I'm going to go ahead and nit-pick this. It's always good to review grammar isn't it?

xLogan wrote:Today, to many people's beliefs, was the last day of our lives

'people's' doesn't go well here. Rearrange this sentence?

xLogan wrote:I made my way out of my cramped, dirty bedroom and into the living room

As ChristsServant already said, expand this. Instead of using boring adjectives (which are very handy in many cases) tell us how it's dirty. Sorry..I know this isn't making sense.

xLogan wrote:My parents were into a heated conversation that I could not keep up with nor follow.

This sentence just has a simple grammar mistake. After 'with' their would be a comma.

xLogan wrote:I sat down onto the leather couch and grabbed the remote control off of the glass table.

Just thought I would say I really like this description. It's obviously in the future, and the furniture seems to match the time well.

xLogan wrote:I flipped on my big television set.

'Big'? How about another adjective?

xLogan wrote:We all remained sitting, frozen, in the living room.

No comma after frozen!

Tips: Describe more in detail. Readers love to picture the characters and their setting in detail. Although, it's also fun to leave your imagination to fill in the blanks.

Overall I think this is just a story that you wanted to jot down. Although, I think you should continue with it. It's really interesting; so far. I need more!

Hope I helped!

-Kate

Thanks! Yeah, I just wrote it down one day. Thanks everyone for all the suggestions. I'll get to editing this someday.

Hey! I'm so so sorry for not getting this review to you for so long, but November was just a hectic month for me. But since you've waited for so long, I should probably get to it quickly. So let's go!

Overall

The other reviewers got all the nit-picks, and most of the things that were most important, but I'll go over it still for you.

Firstly, I would just like to point out that since this was so short, there really wasn't much of a beginning middle and end. Without that, what is a story?

I get that this is about the last day on the Mayan calendar, (much like most things these days.) but I don't really see much of a plot either. We don't really get to know the character, and we're just reading what he's thinking on this particular day.

I think that this could easily be expanded, even a few more paragraphs longer. It would really help it and give it a purpose. Right now, all it is is this tiny story bit about the last day of the Mayan calendar.

It is a really good idea, though, and I really hope you'll continue it someday. You have a ton of potential, and I liked reading it, even though it was just a tiny bit of a story.

But overall, good start and good luck in your future endeavors!

I'll go to the other story you asked me to review now, so I better get over there. Again, I'm incredibly sorry that this took so long, but I hope it helped.

See you around!

~ Trish

O didn't get it. So please tell me what it was about? I know what its about about. But why did the president declare himself president for life if it was the last day?