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Young Writers Society


The Runner



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Sat Aug 08, 2009 6:21 am
theboythatknewtoomuch says...



N hitched the backpack up on his shoulder and hugged himself to keep warm as the thin tendrils of fog floated around him. He was standing on one of the top levels of a multi-level car park, highly exposed to the howling, icy winds that were common at this time of night.

A man approached from the lift and N’s eyes flicked around, scanning the surrounding area for threats. He found none and looked back at the man, eyeing the bulge in his jacket suspiciously. The man’s face was scarred and ragged and his build was stocky, yet not fat. N guessed he was a wrestler.

“I assume you’ve got the goods.” The man’s voice was cracked and raw.

“Naturally.” N gestured towards the backpack, “But the question is, do you have the money?”

“No.” A thin smile cam to the man’s lips as he pulled out a small handgun out of his jacket and opened fire, bullets sparking of the dirty, concrete walls.

N dived out of the way; landing behind a concrete pylon as he pulled out his silenced Akdal Ghost pistol and flicked off the safety catch. This was the part of the job N hated, when someone thought they could rip him off and he was forced to deal with them It happened on a regular basis and N was used to dealing with it, but he never enjoyed it.

The man stopped firing, presumably to reload, and N took his chance. He threw himself out from behind the pillar and fired twice. The man fell forwards as his legs were flung out from underneath him, blood leaking from the bullet wounds. N stood over him, waiting for the man to spring up, but he didn’t. But as N turned away he saw the man whisper something into his shirt cuff and before N had a chance to react; car doors sprung open all over the parking lot and men holding submachine guns jumped out. N quickly ducked behind the nearest car, a Daihatsu Cube, and tried to work out his current situation. There were maybe 70 men surrounding him and he only had 18 bullets left in his gun.

Seemed like a fair match.

N quickly rolled away from the car and started to sprint towards the side of the building, bullets sparking on the grimy cement behind him, and dropped down behind a concrete pillar. Then, suddenly, the steady stream of bullets stopped. N peeked around from his hiding place and realised why. They had all pulled back to make way for something. But before N could work out what, something started to appear from the lower levels.

“Is that a… THEY’VE GOT A TANK!” N’s brain yelled at him.

The tank was a monstrous block of grey metal mounted two long, thick tracks with a huge barrel wielded onto the front. As it slowly rolled up the ramp that led from the lower levels, its long barrel levelled itself at the pilar that N was standing behind and prepared to fire.

But N was already halfway across the parking lot, his legs a grey blur beneath him. As the tank fired, N jumped towards another pylon, watching the one he was previously behind explode outwards into a cloud of dust and rubble. The tank jolted backwards and the barrel started moving towards him again. N tried to sprint away again, but in vain. The men (N had now worked out that they were private soldiers), had their weapons at the ready and sent a barrage of burning lead in his direction, keeping him pinned down. As the tank readied itself to fire, N studied his situation.

He had a tank about to shoot at him, 70 men making sure he couldn’t break cover and he was stuck in a car park, behind a pylon, right next to the edge, 500 metres off the ground. And no one could survive a fall from that height.

Except maybe N.
  





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Sat Aug 08, 2009 8:33 pm
KayKel16 says...



A thin smile cam to the man’s lips as he pulled out a small handgun out of his jacket and opened fire, bullets sparking of the dirty, concrete walls.


This is just a typo most likely, but you forgot the e to came. (:

This was the part of the job N hated, when someone thought they could rip him off and he was forced to deal with them. It happened on a regular basis and N was used to dealing with it, but he never enjoyed it.


You forgot a period after them and before it. Its in bold.

There were maybe 70 men surrounding him and he only had 18 bullets left in his gun.


This is probably just me but I think you should change the numbers to words. Spell them out, just me, you don't have to listen.



That's about it! Overall really good I like the action!
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
-James Dean
  





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Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:44 am
blaster219 says...



And no one could survive a fall from that height.


I'm not entirely sure if the "and" is necessary here. I would suggest either remove it or change the previous full stop to a semi-colon? (the one with the comma under the dot, I keep forgetting which is which:D)

Also, 70 men with SMGs and a tank? Either that's overkill or N must be carrying something extremely valuable and probably illegal to justify that sort of expenditure and effort. Plus, wouldn't N have heard something like this approach long before he saw it. Although I suppose it is possible that the sound of gunfire could have been loud enough to mask it.

I'm assuming that this is the first chapter, if not ignore this, but a little more information on who N is, the world he inhabits and what he looks like would be welcome. It doesn't need to be an info dump.
"Heroes get shot, stabbed, burned, bludgeoned, poisoned, infected, disintegrated, irradiated, electrocuted, exposed to vacuum and fall from great heights. Being a hero is a tough job."
- Alternity GMG, Chapter 6 (Damage and Injury)
  





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Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:36 pm
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Alec Laine says...



theboythatknewtoomuch wrote:He was standing on one of the top levels of a multi-level car park,

How many top levels does this car park have?

But the question is, do you have the money?”

You can do without the "but".

he pulled out a small handgun out of his jacket and opened fire, bullets sparking of the dirty, concrete walls.

I'm sure you meant "off"

This was the part of the job N hated, when someone thought they could rip him off and he was forced to deal with them It happened on a regular basis and N was used to dealing with it, but he never enjoyed it.

An awful lot of deals right after each other. Lose one of them and rephrase, it will look fresher and less repetitive.

But as N turned away he saw the man whisper something into his shirt cuff and before N had a chance to react; car doors sprung open all over the parking lot and men holding submachine guns jumped out.

Another "but" that you could do without.

N quickly ducked behind the nearest car, a Daihatsu Cube, and tried to work out his current situation.

Unless the car is really important, I would suggest you lose the product placement. If the Daihatsu is important to the story in some way, let us know more. What color is it?

There were maybe 70 men surrounding him and he only had 18 bullets left in his gun.

I don't really like the "maybe", I would suggest "approximately" or "about" instead.

But before N could work out what, something started to appear from the lower levels.

Another "but" in the beginning of a sentence. Maybe I'm just being picky. Also, here's a suggestion for a rewrite: "Before N could guess what it was, it started to appear from the lower levels."

“Is that a… THEY’VE GOT A TANK!” N’s brain yelled at him.

I'm usually not a big fan of CAPS, but in this particular setting and considering that his very brain is yelling, it makes for a really impressionistic touch. Also, I don't know why, but the thought of the word "TANK" in bold, capitalized letters makes me happy.

The tank was a monstrous block of grey metal mounted two long, thick tracks with a huge barrel wielded onto the front. As it slowly rolled up the ramp that led from the lower levels, its long barrel levelled itself at the pilar that N was standing behind and prepared to fire.

a few misspells here: "gray", "welded"(although I'm not sure if it was the word you were going for), "leveled" and "pillar".

But N was already halfway across the parking lot, his legs a grey blur beneath him.

"But" again.

The tank jolted backwards and the barrel started moving towards him again. N tried to sprint away again, but in vain
.
Some repetition with the word "again" so close to one another.

The men (N had now worked out that they were private soldiers),

I'm not sure we need to know that what the men are.

I was thrilled to read this piece of outstanding storytelling. You've got an eye for describing eventful scenes, and reading this story was like watching a Michael Bay movie. I could imagine this mysterious character dodging bullets and TANK FIRE, running abnormally fast and surviving where few others would manage to keep up hope. Your way of writing sucked me in, and I can't wait to read and review more of your work. I'll give you a star for this one, no doubt.
"SHAMAN" is a action/adventure fiction novel I'm writing, following the adventures of Marcus Lee. Marcus finds a book with a peculiar symbol engraved on the cover. As Marcus digs deeper into the mysteries of the book, he learns about controlled reincarnation.
  








I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins