Young Writers Society

“I’m gonna kill him,” Dennis muttered, wrapping his arms around his soaked self. “Why us?”
Galen sighed in exasperation at the mention of this question for the hundredth time. “Shut up,” he muttered, rubbing his reddened hands. “Let’s just get this over with.”
Right outside the window they’d just finished scrambling through there was a booming thunder loud enough to be heard for miles. The wind and rain lashed violently at the stone walls. The castle of Zakynthos that they’d just broken into seemed as dangerous as ever.
Dennis, being the thin and fearful man he’d always been, stood shivering by the window, leaping nearly a foot in the air at the next crack of lightning. Swallowing hard, he made his eyes focus through the dark on Galen’s large, thick shape.
“Do you see her?” he whispered, wondering suddenly if anyone could possibly hear them through the thick walls and raging storm.
“She’s right here,” Galen responded irritably, annoyed at Dennis’s unnecessary anxiety.
Sneaking into one of the world’s most deadly places was one thing, but kidnapping their princess would call for fifty years minimum of imminent torture.
Still shuddering with the thought of running into a ghoul or demon, Dennis stepped towards Galen, peering over his thick shoulder at the snoozing infant below. Though it sounded like a savage attack was going on right outside her window, the princess was sleeping rather peacefully.
“She’s.... beautiful,” Dennis said, since he couldn’t think of anything else to say for the moment. The little baby was beautiful though—with loads of dark curls bordering a small, adorable heart-shaped face, thick black lashes resting heavily on her round cheeks.
“Well, go on,” Galen urged, elbowing Dennis in the ribs. “Grab her.”
“Me?” Dennis squeaked, a hint of panic coloring his tone. He rubbed his stomach where it had collided with Galen’s elbow, sure that he would have a bruise by tomorrow.
“Yes you,” Galen said, as if it were beyond obvious, and then paused to chuckle at the expression of horror on Dennis’s face.
“I’m not going anywhere near that demon baby! What if it turns on me?”
“Then I’ll haul your dead body back to Messenia,” Galen growled, but reached in to seize the baby around the waist.
"Wait--" Dennis said suddenly, grabbing a small bottle out of his pocket--the sleeping potion. Galen placed the child back on the bed so Dennis could nervously drip a few drops onto her small, lips. The princess licked her lips, but didn't wake.
Galen picked her up but still held her out at arm’s length. Dennis slung the backpack off his scrawny shoulders and handed it to Galen, and Galen slid her inside carefully.
“C’mon,” muttered Galen, and Dennis followed hastily behind him to the window.
Getting down was far more difficult than the journey up. The wind and rain were monsters of their own, threatening to make their fingers slip from the rope and plummet them to a horrible death in the Black Lake that lied below. Dennis was sure their bodies would never be found—the vicious water python would rip them to shreds before they had a chance to blink.
But then there was the horrible worry that the infant Galen carried in his backpack would wake if she was somehow immune to the potion, and they wouldn’t have time to knock her unconscious again. This child was everyone’s worst nightmare—her powers were extraordinarily potent, strong and lethal. As Dennis thought about it, he guessed the Zakynthians weren’t frightened of this child, because they were nearly as incredibly deadly themselves.
Once Dennis’s feet touched the rain-drenched earth, he breathed a sigh of relief, though their mission was far from over. He stuffed the rope they’d been using into his soggy coat. Pulling it tight around him, he jogged behind Galen towards the Forest of Fatality, glancing once more behind him. The immensely tall castle loomed in the darkness, its coal black towers almost blending into the night sky. A blinding flash of lightning lit up the soaring ominous building once more, and then it was gone.

TeamJake1326,
I like the prologue. It's short yet attention grabbing. Still I do have a few problems with it.

“I’m gonna kill him,”

Who exactly is he? Should we know or will you tell us later on?

kidnapping their princess would call for fifty years minimum of imminent torture.

I assume that they are in Zakynthos which means that they are probably Zakynthians. That is why they called the child their princess.

As Dennis thought about it, he guessed the Zakynthians weren’t frightened of this child, because they were nearly as incredibly deadly themselves.

If she is their princess and they are Zakynthians then why did they say/think this? It is slightly confusing.
Other than that I loved it and will continue reading.
-Critical

So, TeamJake, this was amazing! I really loved it. However, I do have a few nitpicks.

Right outside the window they’d just finished scrambling through there was a booming thunder loud enough to be heard for miles.

I feel that this sentence ruins the flow of the story. Perhaps it would be better if you switch the words around a bit.

Dennis, being the thin and fearful man he’d always been, stood shivering by the window, leaping nearly a foot in the air at the next crack of lightning.

"Being the thin and fearful man he'd always been" is a bit repetitive (what with the 'being' and 'been') and is too tell-y. We can tell he's scared when we see him jump in foot in the air. If perhaps you could find a different way to say this and instead "show" us.

The little baby was beautiful though—with loads of dark curls bordering a small, adorable heart-shaped face, thick black lashes resting heavily on her round cheeks.

The word "loads" takes away from the sentence. Maybe you would use "layers" or say they were framed around her face.

Galen placed the child back on the bed so Dennis could nervously drip a few drops onto her small, lips. The princess licked her lips, but didn't wake.

Firstly, take away the comma between small and lips. Also, I feel the the two "lips" are too close together. I don't have an idea of how to fix it, but I'm sure you'll come up with something. That is, if you feel like changing it.

Characters: I feel that Dennis and Galen could be a bit more developed. However, since this is just the prologue... I'm guessing it's fine that they aren't so strong, but if you could just give us a little more to go off of on them I would appreciate it. ^-^

Description: I liked the description. There wasn't too much and not too little. I do think, however, that you could give us more of the scene when the kidnappers entered the princess's room.

Overall: I totally loved the story. ^-^ It was very cute and kept me interested throughout the entire thing. Good job and PM me if you post anything else.


Smiles!
~Mira

Hiya! I really liked the opening to your story!
I am trying this new thing where I go over the three main elements of a story so here goes.

1~ The Characters
Many people think that the plot is the most important thing in a book. I disagree, if you can't connect with the people you'r not going to enjoy it. At least I wouldn't anyhow.
I really like the way your characters come out. Thumbs up. They are not as strong as they could be but who knows, they may never appear in the book again so whats the point in spending hours and hours developing people that we'll never read about again? Though if they do make an apperence than you could make them a little deeper.

2~ The plot
So this just being the beginning I can't really say to much about it but it seems to have a very good start. I bet it only gets better.

3~ The Descriptions
I could almost see the storm that loomed right out of the little infants window. Really well done. One thing you wrote- 'at the next crack of lightning'
I didn't know lightning cracked, maybe strike or flash would be better here. Just in my veiw. All in all I could fairly see myself in that room, good job.

Overall, I really loved it. Pm me if you post more, keep up the good work.
Keria