Young Writers Society

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Lies

Prologue

Sometimes I tell lies, and sometimes I only tell stories, but never with intent to harm. I only want to please people and make them happy. But my interpretations are always wrong. It really hurts me to think that I cannot be trusted, for I try with all my might to regain it again, but if you knew what my life was like then you would realise that there is a time when it is just too late, when you know that you have pushed it just a bit too far.

For me, life is the same old routine, nothing ever changes for the best, and it never will. Sometimes it’s just best these things are kept a secret.....but they never are. As all secrets have a way of slipping out somehow, and I am always the one caught in the middle of it. But it’s not just secrets that seem to hurt people really bad, sometimes the truth hurts us even more, and that’s why we lie, because we can’t bare the truth. But if the truth is the truth, then it has to be told, if there is a problem with it, it has to be sorted out. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence; you should be able to be open, from the start. But if that opportunity isn’t free, then what do you do?

Hello, defendthelegend! I'm Sunny, and I shall be your reviewer today.

defendthelegend wrote:Lies

Prologue

Sometimes I tell lies, and sometimes I only tell stories, but never with intent to harm. (These are excellent opening lines. Especially since it correlates to the title. ) I only want to please people and make them happy (This is basically the same as "please people". Maybe try "put their minds at ease" or something different, that doesn't have to do with "happy" or "please"). But my interpretations are always wrong. (I don't understand this; "interpretations" as in the stories being told? Maybe you should say that. Try: "But the stories, the interpretations, are always taken wrong [by others]. Or something like that. This line is a little weak.) It really hurts me to think that [s]I cannot be trusted[/s] people cannot trust me, because of what I say, for I try with all my might to regain it again. But if you knew what my life was like then you would realise that there is a time when it is just too late, when you know that you have pushed it just a bit too far. (What do you mean by this? That the narrator's life experiences have caused them to lie? Then maybe you should say that, or whatever the meaning is. Because by itself, this line seems a little random.)

For me, life is the same old routine. Nothing ever changes for the best, and it never will. Sometimes it’s just best these things are kept a secret.....but they never are. [s]As[/s] All secrets have a way of slipping out somehow, people catch the truth, and I am always the one caught in the middle of it. (I added that in, because when you said "I am always the one caught in the middle of it" you imply that there is a conflict, but you don't mention it, you just say the secret comes out.) But it’s not just secrets that seem to hurt people really bad (Maybe possibly change this to "badly"? I mean, if you wrote it as"bad" for voice, then it's fine; but if you just wrote it like that, then I have to say it sounds a little . . . wrong, you know? Like it doesn't fit with the other voice.), sometimes the truth hurts us even more, and that’s why we lie, because we can’t bare the truth. But if the truth is the truth, then it has to be told. If there is a problem with it, it has to be sorted out. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence; you should be able to be open[s],[/s] from the start. ¶ But if that opportunity isn’t free, then what do you do? (Again, this is worded strangely, to the point where I don't quite understand. When the opportunity to be open from the start isn't free - as in it doesn't have a cost - then what do you do? Is that what you're saying? I would say rewrite this sentence.)

OVERALL: I really liked this. It gave a little foreshadowing (like I'm guessing the story has something to do with the consequences of lying) and enough personal insight to the narrator's true feelings on the matter. My suggestion would be to try to clear up what you're trying to say, because sometimes it comes out a little muddled.

PM me for any questions!

~Sunny

Hi! :D I don't think I've seen you around before, so welcome to YWS! Feel free to hop on over to the welcome forum and introduce yourself to everyone!

But my interpretations are always wrong.

This line confused me as I wasn't really sure what it was trying to say--what are the interpretations of? What will make people happy, what the story means? It could do with a bit more clarification.

Sometimes it’s just best these things are kept a secret.....but they never are.

I would replace the ellipses with a dash, but if you want to keep it then it should only be three points.

But it’s not just secrets that seem to hurt people really bad

Try to avoid using the word really in cases like this, it never sounds quite right and there are plenty of things you can do instead, in this case ...seems to hurt people badly sounds more natural.

But if that opportunity isn’t free, then what do you do?

Do you mean something along the lines of if that opportunity isn't available? This is another confusing line that could do with some clearing up.


I have to admit, I'm really not a big fan of prologues like this in general. Part of the problem is that it's all introspection, we're being fed all these feeling and emotions about the character, but we have no idea who they actually are. It mean that, while it may sound nice, it's very hard for a reader to relate too because they know so little about who's saying it. If it were me, I would just ignore this part and go straight into the body of the story--show us the action and the characters, the drama and conflict--it's usually far more exciting :D

I hope I was of some use to you! If you have any questions about anything I've said, or about YWS in general, then feel free to shoot me a PM. Here's hoping I see you around some more!

-Tinny :D

Hello, I'm Method, and I'm going to review this, just because it looks like a brilliantly wonderful start of a book =)

Sometimes I tell lies, and sometimes I only tell stories, but never with intent to harm.

I like this line. It's been pointed out that reading the title adds to it, but the line itself seemed to draw me in, which is important in a story seeing as the first line needs to be interesting enough for the reader to continue on without delay. I also like how the character admits that, rather then being the perfect 'modest' stereo-typed character. The flaws in characters are what make them likeable in alot of cases.

It really hurts me to think that I cannot be trusted, for I try with all my might to regain it again, but if you knew what my life was like then you would realise that there is a time when it is just too late

'Realize', with a 'Z' not an 'S', but I'm not so sure it's that important because in the small amount i've written on this story I assume I've made a few errors myself.

when you know that you have pushed it just a bit too far.

the last line there was good, it was like a major cliffhanger, but on the same note, this line added to the paragraph almost sounds like you're rambling, and sometimes it's good to put a lot of detail, in other cases it's what can commonly destroy a good story because there's nothing left to the imagination of the reader. Of course, with that said it's only the prologue so the details can be easily brought back and re-considered later on along the storyline.

As all secrets have a way of slipping out somehow, and I am always the one caught in the middle of it. But it’s not just secrets that seem to hurt people really bad, sometimes the truth hurts us even more, and that’s why we lie, because we can’t bare the truth.

I think you've captured what tuns of writers never could! This pargraph sent chills down my spine, to have the truth sprawled out in front of you like you've done with this story is an amazing feeling! I want to read it over and over again and capture the feeling that you're giving the readers. Needless to say this is a brilliantly though out part of the story. I will agree with the others though, saying 'hurt people really bad' sounds a bit childish. It's easily fixed with a few words taken out and added!

You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence; you should be able to be open, from the start. But if that opportunity isn’t free, then what do you do?

The ending there is amazing, it would certainly make the reader push furhter into the book to find out what happens, and your foreshadowing skills are more than amazing. It makes the reader feel confident to have control over what he or she knows is going to happen in the story, without giving it away! I think it would sound a bit more appealing if it was revized to "But what if that opportunity isn't free, then what do you do?" of course that's the opinion of one reader here, and seeing as it's your story it's your choice to decide.

It was brilliantly written! You do wonderful work!