Young Writers Society

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Welcome to YWS, Mrob! Here's your review.

I. Nit-picking:

The sparsely wooded area in which they walked gave no indication of being ventured upon before. Yet the intent with which they were marching gave the notion that a worn path was not of the essence.

The period feels out-of-place; I'd use a comma instead.

seemed not to of heard her.

I think you mean "not to have."

“Why can’t we just…”

This is a small thing, but ellipses (the dots) always need to be spaced out. ". . ."

“Oran, that was the last settlement for miles around, where are we going,”

This is a question, so use the proper punctuation. "Where are we going?"

“Oran was that,” started Fatima

Again, punctuation. This should be "Oran, was that -?" The dash shows that it's incomplete.

“IT CAN’T BE,” he bellowed

This made me giggle, I apologize, but it seems really out-of-place and over-dramatic. Maybe it's the caps?

“This is our son Oran,”

Should be "This is our son, Oran," otherwise it looks like Oran is the son. ^^

“My father is dead, Raziel has taken power,” said Tyriel, his fist curling into a powerful fist.

"Fist" is redundant. How about "curling his hand into a powerful fist"?

“I chose you because you are strong, and your heart it kind,”

A typo - "it" should be "is."

II. Spelling/grammar

I found little to no spelling mistakes, but some of the grammar was a bit shaky. A lot of your dialogue was missing important commas, especially before and after character names. Check over your dialogue and read it out loud. Does it flow well, or does it need more or less punctuation?

III. Plot

The plot was - confusing. It was hard to follow what was happening throughout. It's okay for a prologue to be somewhat vague, but not too vague, otherwise you'll lose the reader. Start on the outside and work inward, and don't assume that your reader knows everything you and your character do.

That aside, this plot certainly has potential. I like the whole deal with the angels. I can definitely see this going somewhere.

IV. Characters

Your characters were well-defined, congratulations. It was skillful how quickly you characterized them all in just one chapter. I particularly like Fatima and Tyriel. Fatima seems smart and capable, and Tyriel seems very strong and warriorlike. ^^

V. Dialogue

A lot of your dialogue seemed awkward. You used a lot of caps, and like I said earlier, that ruins a lot of the effect. Use italics if you must, or better yet, just use the "he/she yelled" tag. ^^

VI. Overall

This could use some clarification and some grammar-work, but there's nothing that I could potentially see cropping up to mess up future chapters. Nice job!

You can't do enough world/culture-building. Develop the angel culture! What do they eat? What art and music do they like? What's their history? Etc.

Good work, and keep writing!

-Hawkie-

I'm baack!

You wanted me to point out where you were missing commas, so I'll do so.

“Fatima I myself am baffled, but we shall know why soon enough.”

Comma after "Fatima."

“Oran was that,”

Comma after "Oran." ^^

Oran however, showed little regard to this obstacle as he seemed to stare intently at something that would have been invisible to the human eye.

Again, comma after "Oran."

Walking for what seemed like another fifteen minutes or so Fatima was becoming visibly impatient as she scanned their surroundings for some indication of where they were headed.

Comma after "or so."

And while this one was not as intense it seemed to carry a lot farther then the first, and also gave off the indication that its owner was struggling not to loose his composure.

Comma after "intense."

“BARRON YOU MUST TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING NOW GO!”

You need one after "Barron," and probably a period after "doing." "Barron, you must trust me, I know what I am doing. Now go!"

“There are none of us yearning vengeance more than I Oran, please, steady yourself,”

Again, after "Oran."

“Tyriel what’s happened,” asked Fatima approaching the angel who was even larger than Oran.

Comma after "Tyriel" and "Fatima."

“No my friend, [/quote]

Should be "No, my friend".

But it wasn’t her beauty that had his attention it was what she was holding.

I would suggest a comma between "attention" and "it," but since it's a longer pause, a semicolon would work better. "It wasn't her beauty that ha his attention; it was what she was holding."

“Yes— we will, but I am afraid I will not succeed, it is too late,” his words, as devastating as they were seemed to have little effect on Tyriel, however.

This needs re-phrasing. "His words" is not a proper dialogue tag. I'd end the dialogue with a period. Also, you need a comma after "were." Thus:

"Yes - we will, but I am afraid I will not succeed, it is too late." His words, as devestating as they were, seemed to have little effect on Tyriel."

(The tacked-on "however" is unessecary; cut it out).

The baby however showed little notice of the exchange

Should be "The baby, however, showed little notice (. . .)"

Fatima smiling lightly looked into Oran’s face raising an eyebrow.

Should be "Fatima, smiling lightly, looked into Oran's face and raised an eyebrow."

Inaudible to everyone but the child it turned out, for at the moving of his lips the baby had taken flight.

Should be "Inauible to everyone but the child, it turned out (. . .)"

“No,” shrieked Fatima,

I don't understand this; why in the world did she "shriek"?

“I chose you because you are strong, and your heart it kind,” answered Roselyn looking into Fatima’s eyes gingerly.

Should be "answered Roselyn, looking into Fatima's eyes gingerly." But why the "gingerly?" I think it's a rather odd adjective for looking into someone's eyes.

“Once you have a child of your own you will understand,”

"Once you have a child of your own, you will understand."

And Oran who hadn’t spoken in quite some time looked down at the bundle and then examined its father who for the first time was showing weakness.

"An Oran, who hadn't spoken it quite some time, looked down at the bunle and then examined its father, who for the first time was showing weakness."

Are you starting to get it a little bit more? I'm sure you can look up comma rules online, or ask one of the instructors. I don't really feel qualified to explain them all to you. I'm still learning, too. ^^

I'll critique the next chapter if you like. Just drop me a line on PM.

Keep writing!

-Hawkie-

"Yet the intent with which they were marching gave the notion that a worn path was not of the essence."

I would revise that sentence to make it more understandable, also 'of the essence' really does not fit so well in that context.

'“I can not see anything,” she complained'

Use cannot instead of can not.

Everything else has been mentioned above concerning word or grammatical revision. Just a quick hit and run pointer.