Young Writers Society

He pushed me to the hard ground as the other two held my arms down. I squirmed as their grip tightened and stopped the blood circulation. He got the thick chain attached to a weight and pad lock from the corner of the room then knelt down my feet. He grabbed my feet and roughly wrapped the chain round my feet as tight as it would go. It was cold and dug into my ankles were I had tripped and slashed myself earlier. He placed the padlock on, keeping the chain from coming off and released my feet as they hit the ground. The other two then pulled up my limp body and dragged me over to the river side, where he was standing. He grabbed my bad arm and turned me so I would be facing him and have my back to the river. My feet were just of the edge of the dock and I could feel the ledge edge press into my feet.
My breath quicken as he placed the knife behind my back so it would prick me. I looked around trying to find a glimpse of hope but it was nowhere to be seen. I looked back into his face and saw there was no kindness in his eyes.
“Say hi to your dad for me” he said in his harsh voice. I kept looked at him as he pushed me backwards, as I fell into the river.
Then it hit me, the ice cold water. It felt like a thousand pins were pricking me as I sunk. I tried to reach up and swim to the top, but the weight they had attached to my legs was too heavy. I look up as the surface of the water got further and further away. My body was being pulled, pulled down into the dark and gloomy bottom. I clawed the water to try and slow the fall, but it didn’t help. I was going to die. The burning in my chest was getting unbearable as I longed for a fresh breath of air. I looked down and saw the weight hit the bottom. My body followed as I lay on the bottom of the river. I looked to the lock they had placed on my ankle. There was no point trying to undo it, and the chain was thick and heavy. I looked around looking for a last resort, and saw a sharp rock next to me. It was worth a shot. I picket it up and started to hack away at the chain but knew nothing would happen. I kept on going till all of my energy had left me and my motions slowed down. I wanted to call for help, but I knew no one would hear my scream. I was still crying but the water washed the tears away. Then the burning in my chest had turned to a rage fire, and my arms reach for my throat. I curled into a ball as it lessened the pain. It hurt as much as burning in a fire, as much as being stabbed by a knife fifty times, as much…as drowning. I then took a breath and everything went black as I felt myself loosing my body as it moved to the motions of the water. They had won, and I’d let them.

Hi whatever,

whatever1274 wrote:He pushed me to the hard ground as the other two held my arms down. I squirmed as their grip tightened and stopped the blood circulation. He got the thick chain attached to a weight and pad lock from the corner of the room then knelt down my feet. He grabbed my feet and roughly wrapped the chain round my feet as tight as it would go. It was cold and dug into my ankles were I had tripped and slashed myself earlier. He placed the padlock on, keeping the chain from coming off and released my feet as they hit the ground. The other two then pulled up my limp body and dragged me over to the river side, where he was standing. He grabbed my bad arm and turned me so I would be facing him and have my back to the river. My feet were just of the edge of the dock and I could feel the ledge edge press into my feet.

We already have a big problem, and that's the fact that this story is plodding - not flowing, not falling gracefully, just goose-stepping through all of it's content. Look at how you begin all of your sentences. "He pushed...I squirmed...He got...He grabbed...He placed...He grabbed...." You're creating a timeline, one which very quickly bores the reader because we feel as if we're reading an encyclopedia of historical events, not a living, breathing story. Instead of telling us what he did, tell us how he did it and how that impacted the narrator's mind; if you do that, the bare action itself will make itself presentable automatically. Think of it as retrospect description.

My breath quicken as he placed the knife behind my back so it would prick me.

"Prick" sounds much too mild for what I'm assuming is an attempted murder. Even if it is just a pricking, the term doesn't connote the type of fear and pain that the narrator should be feeling. Find another word.

I looked around trying to find a glimpse of hope but it was nowhere to be seen. I looked back into his face and saw there was no kindness in his eyes.

Why would you expect there to be kindness in the first place? He tied you up and is trying to stab and drown you. This part makes no sense.

“Say hi to your dad for me” he said in his harsh voice. I kept looked at him as he pushed me backwards, as I fell into the river.
Then it hit me, the ice cold water. It felt like a thousand pins were pricking me as I sunk.

Again, pricking. Just pricking? Find a more powerful word.

I tried to reach up and swim to the top, but the weight they had attached to my legs was too heavy. I look up as the surface of the water got further and further away. My body was being pulled, pulled down into the dark and gloomy bottom. I clawed the water to try and slow the fall, but it didn’t help. I was going to die. The burning in my chest was getting unbearable as I longed for a fresh breath of air. I looked down and saw the weight hit the bottom. My body followed as I lay on the bottom of the river. I looked to the lock they had placed on my ankle. There was no point trying to undo it, and the chain was thick and heavy. I looked around looking for a last resort, and saw a sharp rock next to me. It was worth a shot. I picket it up and started to hack away at the chain but knew nothing would happen. I kept on going till all of my energy had left me and my motions slowed down. I wanted to call for help, but I knew no one would hear my scream. I was still crying but the water washed the tears away. Then the burning in my chest had turned to a rage fire, and my arms reach for my throat. I curled into a ball as it lessened the pain. It hurt as much as burning in a fire, as much as being stabbed by a knife fifty times, as much…as drowning. I then took a breath and everything went black as I felt myself loosing my body as it moved to the motions of the water. They had won, and I’d let them.

This section could maybe have been good if you didn't use the same monotonous style "I had, I did, I was, I tried, etc". Since you did, it's a supreme effort for the reader to try to get through that block of boring text, let alone be drawn into it and connect with the main character. Revert back to the advice I suggested for the first paragraph and apply it here.

As for the story, I'm going to assume that this is the first part to a series of stories or a novel, because it certainly doesn't stand up on it's own. Therefore, I can't really comment on the content, since this was a snapshot and hopefully there will be more padding before and after this particular moment to explain what's going on.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hi! I’m octo, and I noticed some things you might want to take a look at.

As Galerius mentioned, this writing is very stagnant. There’s no variation, so there is little to keep my attention. If you’re not sure how to go about that, just begin some sentences with description before jumping into the action. It’s all about syntax. Just experiment, and you’ll see that the results will give dimension to your work. This sort of plain, standard style really drags your story, which isn’t a good thing when you’re trying to write action.

He grabbed my bad arm and turned me so I would be facing him and have my back to the river. My feet were just of the edge of the dock and I could feel the ledge edge press into my feet.

The first sentence is just awkward. What about “He grabbed my bad arm and turned me so I faced him, my back to the river.” ‘And have’ is just a strange phrase. Oh, and I think you want ‘off’ instead of ‘of’. Also, if this is a standalone piece, I recommend you explain why this character has a bad arm. Otherwise the reader if just left wondering.

My breath quicken as he placed the knife behind my back so it would prick me. I looked around trying to find a glimpse of hope but it was nowhere to be seen. I looked back into his face and saw there was no kindness in his eyes.

‘Quicken’ should be ‘quickened’. I also don’t like the word ‘prick’. It feels weak. You also have two sentences back-to-back beginning with ‘I looked’, which is repetitive and unimpressive. How is the main character looking around? Discreetly? If so, try ‘glanced’. Openly? Try ‘searched’. Although overuse is bad, a thesaurus is quite handy.

“Say hi to your dad for me” he said in his harsh voice. I kept looked at him as he pushed me backwards, as I fell into the river.

A comma after ‘me’ is required, just before the end-quotation mark. You might want to eliminate the description ‘in his harsh voice’ and just find a stronger verb instead of ‘said’. I think you want to say ‘kept looking’, but again I don’t quite like the word ‘look’ in this situation. You also used the word ‘as’ twice in the same sentence. Maybe something like “He pushed me and I fell into the river, my eyes never leaving his” would work better.

I look up as the surface of the water got further and further away. My body was being pulled, pulled down into the dark and gloomy bottom.

You suddenly switch into present tense here, which is weird. Again, the word ‘look’ pops up! I don’t like the repetition of ‘pulled’, I don’t think it emphasizes much.

I looked down and saw the weight hit the bottom. My body followed as I lay on the bottom of the river. I looked to the lock they had placed on my ankle. There was no point trying to undo it, and the chain was thick and heavy. I looked around looking for a last resort, and saw a sharp rock next to me. It was worth a shot. I picket it up and started to hack away at the chain but knew nothing would happen.

Three instances of ‘look’ in this segment, but there are four if you count ‘looking’. Also, I think you meant ‘picked’ instead of ‘picket’. Also, if the main character knew that it was useless to hack at it, then why did they think it was worth a shot. It’s all contradictory.

I was still crying but the water washed the tears away. Then the burning in my chest had turned to a rage fire, and my arms reach for my throat.

When did the crying begin? I’m not sure, but can you actually tell that you are crying when submerged in water? I don’t think I can, but it might just be me. ‘Rage fire’ is peculiar. Did you mean ‘raging fire’? Also, you slip into present tense at the end, so it should be ‘reached’ rather than ‘reach’.

I curled into a ball as it lessened the pain. It hurt as much as burning in a fire, as much as being stabbed by a knife fifty times, as much…as drowning. I then took a breath and everything went black as I felt myself loosing my body as it moved to the motions of the water. They had won, and I’d let them.

‘And’ would probably be a better word to use than ‘as’ in the first sentence. ‘Loosing’ should be ‘losing’. The penultimate has a double use of ‘as’ again, so I recommend rewriting that sentence. The last sentence is quite interesting though, and I liked it a lot.

If you plan on keeping this as a standalone, I think you should start the action sooner. I want to know why they’re by a river, why these people are targeting this character, how they know the father. Heck, it’d be great to know what they look like! Are they working with a big corporation out to dominate the world? Are they mafia members? Or are they just some schmucks with a petty vendetta? Why does the main character have a bad arm? How old is this character? If they are an adult, why couldn’t they hold their own against these people?

As you can see, there are a lot of questions left unanswered. Sometimes that is a good thing, as it can create suspense. But here, so much information is left out that the reader is disconnected from the situation, and has no way to step in and empathize. This situation needs some tweaking with syntax, and a backstory, and you’re all set!

Best of luck,
octo

thankyou for all your advice. its helped ALOT!!!
this was writen out of a creative spark, so thats why you dont know much abouts whats happening. i hope i will have time to carry this on and answer the unanswered questions.


Whatever1274 xx

I like this. It's descriptive and oddly chilling. Drowning is a primal fear that this piece definitely addresses.

I agree with the other reviews about the flow of the story and the unanswered questions, though. Fix it up some more and it could really shine.

-Hawkie-

Bonjour whatever1274,
You seem to have already received nit-picky reviews about your grammar, so I'll do more of an overall.
What your story lacks is emotion. Right now it's just bare bones. Drowning is a great topic to write about -- it is one of the worst ways to die that I can think of. It also takes a long time. Perfect to write about the mental trauma happening to your character at that time. Make the scene last longer.
I also don't care about your characters. None of them have names, or a back story! Try to make it a little less vague. At least give your main character a name. ^_^
Right now this writing is a bit too choppy. It reads like an outline. "He did, I did, she did..." Boring. Liven it up a bit! Vary your sentence structure for some fun!

Best of luck and happy editing,
Antigone

I really liked this story! One of the greatest fears of Humans is the fear of drowning. I thought that you really captured the emotion of that fear. Other than telling and not showing, this was a really good story! I know how it is to write out of a creative spark. lol.

Well, Keep Writing!!!

--Jalmoc

Well, so-far-so-good. Drowning is my worst fear. If I hear on the news that a person drowned or a person died by dry-drowning.

Either Way, keep writing.

I picked it up and started to hack away at the chain but knew nothing would happen.

Very interesting story...

In the first paragraph you use the word "feet" 5 times. Wow - that's a lot. Try to take out some of those or find a different word?
In the last paragraph you should elaborate more on the person choking on the water as they tried to breath it, but couldn't. I know what it's like for that to happen and there would be much more of that. Also they should struggle more to try and get back up to the surface. They're struggling, thrashing, and panicking. They can't think of anything but they're going to die. If you need any more reference on that, PM me, ok?
Why is this person being drowned and was their dad drowned too? Maybe you should also elaborate more on that, too.

The last line is very good though, it's a great ending, so congrats on that part

Keep writing,
Alzora

I like this - it's a good, dark subject, and with just a bit of touching up it has the potential to be an amazing piece. It looks like you've heard enough about the monotonous terms and lack of fresh words, so I'd like to announce that I absolutely love the third to last sentence.

It hurt as much as burning in a fire, as much as being stabbed by a knife fifty times, as much…as drowning.

This was probably the best emotion sentence, and for that one at least I felt connected to the character.

I don't mind that the characters are nameless, by the way, although it was a bit confusing at times. The anonymous setting adds to the dark, impersonal mood. I would have liked to know about the reference to the father, though, and the bad arm.