Young Writers Society

POV: Sasha
There I was standing at the edge of the path that would take me away from everything I have ever known all my life. My servants, my family and most of all my younger sister Kayla. But I refuse to be a pawn to my parents evil schemes. My father the evil vampire king got into some trouble with the rival emperor and he would only allow the debt to be paid in one way. You see he has a son Henry who has come to age to marry and his father wants the most beautiful vampire princess to be his bride. Well anyways my father had to enter me into the contest to be Henry's bride, and unfortunately I won, and well here I am on the eve of my wedding. I never had the pleasure to hurt people unlike most of my family. My only friend I have had all my life Kayla I am now leaving in my attempt to stop the wedding by taking away the most important person involved on my families behalf, me. I have been thinking about the best way to get away and I finally came up with leaving after setting all the prisoners free and dressing some of the girls in my clothes. While they escaped I went around the back way and ran to the covering of the forest.
So here I am standing at the path having second thoughts about running away. [/i]Maybe it won't be so bad[/i] I tell myself. But I know that is a lie. It won't be alright I have already been found missing. I heard people yelling behind me "Red alert Sasha is gone! I repeat Sasha is gone!" I ran even faster when I heard that. And like my parents would listen to me and stop the marriage. I was doing the right thing I would have to keep a low profile know that they are out looking for me. I clutched my staff harder until my knuckles turned even whiter than they already were, as I took off running in order to get away from the sound of running that was behind me as they began to spread out through the forest to look for me. I could not allow my self to be caught that would be the end of my chances to save myself.
I began to run as fast as i could i didn't want them to find me when i heard only one set of footsteps behind me i started to slow knowing that i could probably hide and their mind doesn't sound to bad so if i just hide behind that tree then maybe i can escape him.
I listened quietly as the sounds of the forest began to take life. I never took time to listen to nature but now that I did it made me regret that I never listened. It was so pretty that I got distracted and didn't here him approach.

"Are you the one who helped my people escape?' He asked and I could tell immediately that he wouldn't hurt me through his mind. He just wanted to now who I was even though he would never find out. I couldn't afford for my family or anyone finding me.
"I don't know what you are talking about!" I quickly lied even though I could tell he didn't buy that. He knew better just by the set of his jaw told me that I didn't need to read minds to tell that and he just wanted to make sure knew what I was doing. Which I didn't but I figured that if I could just get away I cold live with it.
"Do you need someone to travel wit you?" He asked even though it was more like"You ned someone to travel with you!" So either way he was coming with me.
"Fine!Just be quiet or we will be caught!"
"Ok!" he responded in a hushed whisper which sort of reassured me that he would not try to get me caught and didn't know my real identity

Hi!! Okay this looks like a very interesting piece. But there were a few things I would change.

There i was standing at the edge of the path that would take me away from everything i have ever known all my life. My servants, my family and most of all my younger sister Kayla. But i refuse to be a pawn to my parents evil schemes.

I like how you started off it was so mysterious, and how it tells sort of about her life as a pampered girl. And how she feels bad about losing her sister.

You see I am the oldest daughter of the most evil vampire king and i am next in line for the throne. My parents wanted me to marry their rivals son but i simply refused just because i refused to be evil doesn't mean that i would marry an evil prince and have his children no way!

Don't have tell us, describe it. For example

My Dad the king of all vampires is trying to get me to marry the son of a rival. But the thing is I may be the next in line for the throne of evil vampires, but I just can't be evil.

Then so forth and so forth I think you get the idea.

I love your story thou and think you should write more, but I think you could make the chapters a little longer.

I give you a ninja and dancing elephant for this piece.

Well I hope you continue this story.

Hey angel, welcome to the site! Check out the rules and review a couple of pieces, m'kay?

So! Wow, this is a gigantic hunk of story, isn't it? You need to split this up, capitalize those I's, and add some punctuation, like so:

angelwing12 wrote:POV: Sasha
There I was, standing at the edge of the path that would take me away from everything I have ever known [s]all my life.[/s] : my servants, my family and most of all my younger sister Kayla. But I refuse to be a pawn to my parents evil schemes.

You see, I am the oldest daughter of the most evil vampire king and I am next in line for the throne. My parents wanted me to marry their rival's son but I simply refused. Just because I refused to be evil doesn't mean that I would marry an evil prince!

I don't have anything against evil, it's just I didn't want to marry just because it was my parents wish. I wanted to marry for love, and when I told my parents they just laughed at me, saying that there is no such thing as love. Which I know is not true and I plan[s]ned[/s] on waiting for it. For there was this one prisoner I saw - well at the time, my parents used him as a servant and I didn't know and, well, he was my first love.

We had a fling going. But when my parents found out about it they didn't exactly like the idea that their heir was crushing on a servant, so they threw him in the dungeon, then made up their mind to arrange a marriage between me and their rival's son, Edward, to form a alliance with them. And that didn't go over well with me.

So I did the one thing that would aggravate them the most. I ran away and set all their prisoners free at the same time. I wasn't exactly stupid so I dressed some up in my clothes so they would not find me and, well, it worked 'cause here I am. Hesitating with the decision, which there was now no time for, they had already discovered that I was gone and were out capturing all the people - or at least attempting to - who looked like me while I slipped out the back. I had planned it out perfectly, and [s]terribly[/s] I had good timing, except Edward was coming to our kingdom to plan the wedding.

And, well, he is the best tracker in our area.

Yeah...that's a lot easier to read. And once I did read it, I was hooked, dear. You have a great plot here and great ideas and I can't wait to see what happens next. However, besides the grammar, your problem is that you've tried to cram at least five chapters of story into one paragraph, and that just doesn't work. It's actually pretty overwhelming. So I'd space it out, and instead of telling us all of what happened so quickly, I think you should work on showing us through dialogue and action.

Otherwise, good stuff.

-Mars

I like it. Other than the things that the people above me posted, I can't find anything bad about it.

Thanks everybody review if you can and tell me what I can do to make it more interesting for you. I have chinchilla girl to thank for the topic we were talking about our stories while we were disecting a frog and the funniest thing about that is every time we disect something eye juice always squirts out at her cause she plays with the eye juice. Make sure you read my other story that is a fan fiction it is called Kat Hope it is about a girl named Kat and her family "flock" and their troubles while trying to stay free. I started to write it on paper and i have over a hundred pages front and back that i am going to put on if i can. I don't know if i will be able to cause my sister is moving to South Korea to live with her husband who is in the air force. also check out a poem she wrote that i put on for her it is really cute it is called Emily Hope. Yes i got my person's last name from my neices middle name.

Hey angelwing. ^^ Evi here.

Your title should not be Then there was three. It should be Then There Were Three. And note how I capitalized every word in the title? That's generally a good thing to do, except for words like:

with
for
or
and
but
the
a
an

And other words like that.

Grammar

Love, your grammar could use some brushing-up on, don't you agree? As well as spelling and punctuation. I think you have a very interesting idea here, but no one's going to be able to enjoy it if you're missing commas and having run-ons and using incorrect subject-verb agreement. Now, a good place for you to start in order to brush up on your grammar is the Knowledge Base. There are some great grammar articles in there. Also, you can always Google grammar tips to help you make sure you've understood the rules.

nixonblitzen has pointed out some note-worthy grammar corrections, so listen to the things she suggested! Also, you can click that little 'spell check' button above each post before submitting a story, just so that you can catch the little spelling typos.

Pace

So, love. I'm going to be honest with you. This story needs to be lengthened out waaaaaaaaaay more. It needs to be explained more, needs to be explored more, needs to be drawn out! You talk about the competition that Sasha's father entered her in that she won? Maybe that would be a good place to start; write about the scene where her father tells her that she has to enter this contest to become Henry's bride. Write out that entire conversation, that entire scene, and then write about what happened during the contest! How did Sasha win?

Also, the escape scene. You need a lot more description there, too. A lot more OOMPH, you know, something to make us gasp in fear as your main character is nearly caught. I think your main issue here is telling instead of showing these majorly important scenes; you give us a quick recap about what happens instead of actually writing out what happened, word for word, with dialogue and descriptions and emotion and action.

Overall, while the idea interests me, this needs major expanding and you really have to proofread everything before submitting it. Let me give you an example of grammatical corrections in the last paragraph:

I began to run as fast as i could i didn't want them to find me when i heard only one set of footsteps behind me i started to slow knowing that i could probably hide and their mind doesn't sound to bad so if i just hide behind that tree then maybe i can escape him.

This is one huge run-on sentence, which is a huge No-no. Let me show you how to properly punctuate it, mkay? ^^

I began to run as fast as I could, because I didn't want them to find me. I heard only one set of footsteps behind me; I started to slow, knowing that I could probably hide. His mind doesn't sound too bad, so I'm going to hide behind that tree-- then, maybe, I can escape him.

Now, dear, this is still very rough-- you could use imagery and description, as well as characterization and other such wonderful tools for writers. But, for now, work on developing some more background scenes in the story and brushing up on your grammar!

Hope this helps. PM me for anything.

~Evi

I have not had time to update yet but i plan to run with it. I like this story but you should check out my other storie in fan fiction called kat hope. It is really good and i love it i have it on paper and i am trying to get it on here so i can get the comments

All in all, intriguing story!! Just the kind of think I myself like to read on occasion! Though there were a number of grammatical errors that I noticed, though in this review I shall only list a few. So lets get started:

1.

I began to run as fast as i could i didn't want them to find me when i heard only one set of footsteps behind me i started to slow knowing that i could probably hide and their mind doesn't sound to bad so if i just hide behind that tree then maybe i can escape him.

Ok, I think it's quite apparent what's wrong here! Almost all lowercase "i"s and there's not a single period in the whole paragraph!!! You also misspelled too.
So really it should be more like so:
I began to run as fast as I could, I didn't want them to find me. Then I heard only one set of footsteps behind me. I started to slow down, knowing that I could probably hide and their mind doesn't sound too bad, so if I just hide behind that tree then maybe I can escape him.

2.

He just wanted to now who I was even though he would never find out. I couldn't afford for my family or anyone finding me.

Simple problem here: commonly known as a "typo". It should be know, not now

3.

"Fine!Just be quiet or we will be caught!"

Whoops!! You forgot a space between Fine! and Just!!!

Well that's all for now, but I shall say again, great story, good plot, hope to read more soon!

Mar sin leibh an-drasta!
LordLoredaen

Hey just a little info if you tell me about my title you are doing no good i am not going to ever change it and i have a lot more written but it will never make it to this site because one i don't have time and two i don't want you to tear it up and making me feel like i can not even write my own story i have enough people in my life to do that. And yes i know there are grammer mistakes but that is natural for normal people! so please just leave my grammer alone along with my title and just tell me wheather or not you like it please! I understand you are trying to help but to me it does no good it will not effect me at all to tell you the truth i only look to see if you like it because i an going to get it published when i am done!!!!!

Hey just a little info if you tell me about my title you are doing no good i am not going to ever change it and i have a lot more written but it will never make it to this site because one i don't have time and two i don't want you to tear it up and making me feel like i can not even write my own story i have enough people in my life to do that. And yes i know there are grammer mistakes but that is natural for normal people! so please just leave my grammer alone along with my title and just tell me wheather or not you like it please! I understand you are trying to help but to me it does no good it will not effect me at all to tell you the truth i only look to see if you like it because i an going to get it published when i am done!!!!!

thank yall so much for reviewing my work i know my grammer isnt that great but the way i put it makes sense to me i really appreciate yalls advice as long as it doesnt involve my title cause it has a purpose which if it ever gets published you would know.!!! THQ U ALL SOOO MUCH!!!!