Young Writers Society

Okay, my sister had to write a creative short story for english, and she asked me to write it for her. You had to describe someone you knew as best you could, using an everyday scene as the backdrop, main plotline. We both play hock, and yet she thought that it was a bad idea... as soon as she started reading she was priasing it, and thinking of using it herself.

I made her swear not to use it... but who can be sure?

MY AWESOME SISTER!

Rain pelted my face as I returned my gaze to the ball, rolling idly along the turf until another swift movement of my stick encouraged it in the desired direction. I blinked as it passed briefly over the white, slightly curved line. A deep sigh breached my throat as I looked up. Through the dark refractions of the rain I could see my goal - the goal. It wasn’t the sight of achievement that brought the heaving to my lungs; it was the character guarding it. Standing tall and wide, she obstructed my view more than the determined haze of the stormy weather.

The net was almost completely hidden by the obstructing form; the barricade of thick foam padding that surrounded my vigilant sibling presented no where to shoot, no where to score. A lump rose in my throat as I realized that my attempts were futile; my sisters imposing attitude was shown on the hockey turf more than anywhere else.

But I had an entire team behind me, expecting better than 'giving up' – all that stood between me and victory was my boisterous, bothersome sister. I could see it now, the ball getting caught in the net; not even my audacious and daring sibling could stop the white ball with the speed and force I could bestow upon it.

My heart pumped in my chest, threatening to break a rib as my moment draws closer. I could feel the blood as it surged through my body, hammering in my ears and making my fingers tingle.

Looking back down at the ball now, I change my grip into short hand – the best for taking hits on the run. One last glance up and then I’ll hit the ball, no matter where the goalie is, I decide - she can’t stop everything.

Before I know it, she is upon me. She has left her post to show her intimidating presence on the field. Don’t panic! I tell myself – that’s what she wants.

Despite my internal warning, I feel the cold lingering of the despised sensation, flooding through me faster than the adrenaline-rich blood that pumps my veins.

NOW! Hit that ball now! My senses scream at me. Ten years of playing hockey and my younger sister still scares me silly. Before I have time to draw my stick back, or even start a left-to-right drag, she appears at my feet, her entire height was a barricade against my progress as she lay on the ground. Shocked, I jump over her body, forcing myself not to trip over the tangle of foam and fabric that made up her protective gear. The ball comes to an immediate stop as it hits her padded body. I slowly turn around – slinking to the back of the queue.

“Hard luck. Come on, keep trying” I hear a call from behind me. I shoot a quick look behind me to find her already back in the goal, dancing around on her toes like a kid in a bouncy castle. Always the good sport – even in a practice.

Hey aszx,


Is this nonfiction or is it Action/adventure fiction? I'm feeling as if it belongs in non fiction because it seems more like a personal experience, but I'm pretty reluctant to move it.

Could you PM me, letting me know? At any rate, I'll be back to review this.

June

'Allo, Blinkster here for critiquing. =)

I made her swear not to use it... but who can be sure?
MY AWESOME SISTER!
Rain pelted my face as...

I don't know if those first two lines are part of the story, but they sure don't fit. Get rid of them. They're ugly and draw away from a nice entrance to the story--the first bit opens with some mysterious question, then I'm confused as I see MY AWESOME SISTER then a story starts. Weird. Trim it down, dude. =]

The rectangle net was almost completely covered

A hockey net is a hockey net (is this a hockey match?). I think it's be best if you just called it a "net", like that, because otherwise the reader thinks there's something specific about it and is annoyed when they reread to check and find nothing, yah?

This also raises a question; what is it covered by? Finish off the phrase, or I'm straining my mind trying to think of something, 'cus no picture's there at the moment.

there were no gaps left that presented an easy path to triumph

Before now, I was thinking maybe you were comparing the football match to a battle usig perhaps slightly varied voices to describe the scene, which I think, if you had, would have worked well and I would advice you to continue with it. However, this is just messy. There're a lot of words for something where a snappier phrase would work better. How would you be thinking in this position? Wouldn't you just think more clearly?

I would have said: "a barricade of feet and sticks locked together and the net was hidden. There was nowhere to go." I know it's a little longer, but there's more material stuffed in there. I now know why it's blocked, I can picture the scene and it relates to how the player is thinking. Of course, it's just an example but that's the type of thing I'd suggest.

My dashed hopes couldn’t stop me from trying

No hope usually means that there's no point in trying. I'd give a few words to make certain the character's making the right decision here, because otherwise I'm asking why he/she is bothering.

I could see it now; the ball getting caught in the net, not even my audacious and daring sibling could stop it with the speed I would force upon it.

And now you've suddenly got hope again?

That semicolon's in the wrong place, methinks. Put it after "net". I think "the spend I would force upon it" is a little awkward, especially since you've got an "it" just before and it seems a little clumsy. Think of a more active way to say it.

My heart pumped in my chest, threatening to break the surrounding skin as my moment draws closer.

You change into present tense here, which, intentional or not, I just ain't feeling. Couple of things here: does skin break? Don't the ribs hang around closer to the heart? They break. Be more interesting; hearts pump, but what about it is the fearful part? Is the pounding, the pulsing, the veins trembling?

Shocked, I jump over her [s]lying down form[/s] body.

Once again, you're over-complicating things. Just be simple!

she appears at my feet, her entire height a wall against my progress.

She appears at your feet, but she's still really tall and is blocking you? That bit confused me. I'd rearrange some of the words there. So she just sort of fell on the floor? And the ball hit her? Why? Why?

“Hard luck. Come on, keep trying” I hear a call from behind me.

Tut tut. Poor speech grammar, here. You'll need a comma at the end of "trying". In case you're not sure, go check out Snoink's dialogue grammar. ^_^


So yeah, anyway. I like the idea there, and I think the way you slowed things down to make something so simple so exciting worked very well. I'd vary the descriptions a bit more, though; try explaining the rain a bit more. Was it cold? Noisy? Some exciting images there would have added atmosphere. I liked the whole set up.

I'm not sure I like the whole build up and then a miss, but as a bit of flash fiction, I guess it's fair. But nonetheless, good work! Clean a few things up, though, like I've said, and don't over-complicate things when something simple would have done. I guess a longer version would work well, making the whole thing seem a battle, but that's just what I'd suggest - right not it seems a bit empty.

PM me if you've any questions about what I've said.

Best
Blinky

Blink wrote:I'm not sure I like the whole build up and then a miss, but as a bit of flash fiction, I guess it's fair.

Yeah, I suppose it was because I was writing it, from my sisters point of view. If she was writing about me, then the goal would have gone in, if 'she' [i.e. me] was writing it about me, then I would have saved the goal.

Remember, I was writing this from my sisters POV, so The goalie, me, is victorious!

I guess it was a good, simple story. But even if it was just for an English project- expand! If you put your story in the section for action and adventure, well, i wanna see some action and adventure! This would be a fine opening, but what if it opened into something even larger? Is your sister actually an undercover alien or is the coach of your team an international spy from Russia? (Please- don't actually use these. They were the first things out of my head)
If this was just a short story, than good. But if its an adventure, its mediocre.
And make your words flow like music notes. If you like stories with sports or whatever, make us feel like we're on the field with you, enough to make us feel happy when you score a goal or defeated when you lose the ball. Empower your words.
And lastly, never stop asking 'what if'. That is going to be the beginning of your next great story.