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Love Affair



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
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Sat Apr 18, 2009 3:50 am
gabbymustang45 says...



Love Affair

“It’s cold!” I yell as we made our way out the locker room.
The Goosebumps were rising off my skin and my breath became vague. Once we were outside, it was colder than I imagined. My teeth chattered and my hands felt like icicles.
“I swear if I get frostbite!” yells Rosio as she hugs me for body warmth.
I didn’t say anything; all I was thinking about is the cold and I in it. How completely unfair and crazed it is to be in it. But maybe I was overexagerating, since I was only in bed an hour and half ago. We stood around in a circle and talked to get our minds off the bitter cold surrounding us, but talking about how cold it was wasn’t really helping. I looked out of the crowd to the field; it was covered in a thick layer of fog. Today, out of all days, we had to run in it. It was probably covered in the usual muddy puddles and secret holes that only a few fell into. I grunted. Bored, I eavesdropped into a group of girls’ conversation.
“Oh my gosh, here they come!” yells the tallest blond.
“They are so hot!” says the one covering her mouth.
I turn to the direction their looking and find the boys coming out of the locker rooms. Pushing each other like boys do and yelling obnoxiously. Half of them have their green shorts below their butts, and I look away disgusted.
What do they see in them? I think.
But I was soon corrected by what they were looking at. Rosio nudges me before she go’s to sit down.
“What?” I say harmlessly.
“Lunch date coming your way” and she winks.
Shut up I mouthed.
I turn back to the locker room and there HE was. His hair was flopping to the side of his head, revealing his hypnotizing green eyes. I looked away quickly from him; thinking it would take my breath away again. Surprisingly, I felt fine. I took a deep breath to be safe and turned to look at him. He was with his other good-looking brother, talking silently between themselves. Then, He laughs. His eyes glitter, his mouth is extravagantly big, and his shiny white teeth gleam with pride. His hair flops into the air and whisks back to his head. Now there’s when I lost my breath. I stared at him for the longest time until he broke apart from his brother. I became self-conscious as he gets closer to me. And I call him the stalker! He takes his seat, which happens to be right next to me just like in Algebra. His scent hits me like a rock in the face. Cinnamon apples, with a hint of vanilla, just like in Algebra. I try to find the words in my heads, but were jumbled up and scattered. I put them in the correct place in my head and practiced saying them to myself.
Hi Leo, would you like to have lunch with us today? But who were the US? Darn it. I tried again.
Hi Leo, would you have to like lunch with my friends and me?
Bingo! I take a deep breath and turn to him. He noticed that I turned to him and so he turns to me. I freeze. He looks at me, smiling awkwardly.
“Um, hi, Gabriella?” and he waved to me.
He said my name, my true name. It sounded nicer when he said it. I come back to earth.
“Um, yeah, hi” I say.
He raises one eyebrow.
“Hi, again.” And he tilts his head and laughs.
His warm breath hits and defrosts me. The girls in the background giggle. I couldn’t believe they were watching me being humiliated. I managed a smile.
“Sorry, I had a…” and I couldn’t think of a reason.
“Its ok, did you want to talk to me or something?” and he wraps his arms around his legs.
“Oh yeah, I was going to say if you want to have lunch with me and a couple of my friends?” and I waited for the big NO.
He looks at the field, and then me, actually thinking about it.
I tried to make this easier for him, and me.
“You don’t have to, you know…” feeling…weird.
He raises his eyebrows at me.
“After you asked me, you want to get rid of me?” he asks.
I panic.
“Oh no, I didn’t mean it like that” I said trying to make the conversation better.
He smiles and holds up his hand.
Sorry, I’m just such a critical thinker is all.”
I interrupt.
“Your brothers’ going to have lunch with us” I informed him.
He was surprised at the news, and he looks at his brother. His brothers’ eyes widen and he turns away from him. Almost like he was in trouble.
I’m curious, “what’s so critical about lunch?” I say.
He half grins and looks at me.
Our conversation ended when the teacher told us to go line up to run. I groan and go line up with Rosio and Hanna; I was determined to catch up with them this time. Then, we were off into the foggy and muddy field. I was going faster this time, I had too much Adeline rush from talking to Leo. I see who’s up front. Its Hanna, Rosio, and both Alec and Leo. They were athletic and smart? I roll my eyes and tried to focus on running. Leo looked back and saw me. Then it seems like I’m getting closer to him, but he was actually slowing up. I now measure up to him.
He turns his head and waves.
I smile and wave too.
“What are you doing back here?” I ask.
He points at me, “I came to answer your question” and he comes closer to me.
It’s silent for a moment. He was looking forward and I was looking at him. Its almost incredible how he can keep a steady breathing pace and not look tired. Actually, I could even here him breath; it was as if he wasn’t breathing at all.
“So where will you be sitting?” he asks suddenly.
I flick my head away, hoping he didn’t notice I was staring at him.
“Um, you could just wait for us after class, since you have that class with us” I suggest.
“Hmm, and what about Alec?” he says. his demanding eyes meeting mine.
I flash my head in front of me and try to look away from him.
“He knows where we’ll be,” I said.
He grins a little, “Alec, of course he knows where you are….” And he looks at me again.

“Sorry, your kinda behind aren’t you?” I ask.
He shrugs his shoulders, “not by much, I’ll get it. What about you?” he asks
“Actually this is pretty good for me, I’m pretty slow usually,” I explain.
He looks behind us, “you don’t look slow to me, here I’ll show you what I mean” he runs up in front of me and turns.
He looks into my eyes and smiles “see if you focus on one thing, then everything else fades and soon, it won’t even feel like your running” he explains.
I focus on him. His eyes. His muscular, tan body. His hair shining bright brown in the sunlight. It’s all a wonderful sight to focus on if you ask me. The burning in my lungs goes away and everything else fades, just like he said. Everything goes into slow motion and his hair flops up and down, my eyes following it. Then he speaks.
“ Is it working?” he said.
I smiled wide and nod, I didn’t wan to ruin the momentum with my stupid voice. He grins deep too and my focus on him is getting stronger. He still ran facing me, throwing encouraging smiles at me the whole time. Everything now is completely zoned out, but why? I wasn’t in anyway attracted to him, just trying to be friendly. Ah, but I said the magic word, “attractive”. It didn’t have to mean anything, not important at least. Then, he’s shouting at me to go faster, I’m almost at the finish line. He stops facing me and is next to me now. The pain slowly comes back to my lungs and now my legs. My breathing becomes rough again and the cold air is giving me extraordinary whiplash.
“Come on, sprint Gabby! Sprint!” he shouts next to me.
I nod to him and try to make the pain stop my ending this treacherous run. I flex my arms and legs out to their full length. The pain returns quicker as I go faster, but I’m much too far along to stop now. I turn the corner and see that glorious finish line. My heart sings as I draw closer and closer to it. I look down and see that my shoe is untied, and then I look back at him. Leo was urging me on with his detailed muscular hands. I turn my head and my foot suddenly feels stuck. Then, the sky becomes smaller and smaller as I can see the ground more and more.
Oh no, please no I think as I’m headed for the hard black ground.
It happened. I’m on the ground, thinking about how stupid I am, but also thinking about the new pain that struck through my ankle. Voices are very faint around me as I choke for air and try to get up. Then, Leo runs up to me and looks at my ankle. He takes off his shirt, revealing his developing abs and his perfectly sculpted chest.
“I’m sorry, but it’s only going to hurt for just a sec” he says with his calming eyes. Making me set my head on the ground. My body turns numb for that one second and then the pain plows back with more force. My breathing is forced now. A sharp pain runs through my ankle again. I shriek a little.
“What the hell…” I say exhausted and drop my head back onto the ground.
I was about to pass out, but then his warm hands went over my forehead and my eyes flashed open.
“I’d really rather have you awake” he said in a concerning way.
I groan.
“I think…you should get…. help” I say in a hoarse voice.
He ignores me.
“Try to breath more” he informs me.
Ok, now I’m annoyed at him again. I raise my head up to look at my leg. His shirt is wrapped around my leg, heating it up fast.
“Can you stand?” he asks.
“Wouldn’t you think if I could, I would?” I say sarcastically
He rolls his eyes and smiles at me.
“Well then!” he exclaims and holds out his soft hands.
I ignore his hand rudely and try to stand myself. It didn’t work out so well. I stumbled and he caught me with his long protective arms wrapped around my waist. We both look at each at the same moment. He looks away and puts my arm around his bulky shoulders. We walk through the finish line together and the teacher automatically sends me to the nurse. Leo pleads for the teacher to let him go too, but ignores him like she does to the rest of the class. Instead Rosio and Hanna help me to the nurse.
“You are the clumsiest person ever” laughs Rosio as they set me on the couch in the health office.
“I hardly ever fall!” I say, but she keeps laughing.
They leave and now I’m left alone with a busted ankle, fantastic.
  





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150 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1639
Reviews: 150
Tue Apr 28, 2009 10:46 pm
ChernobyllyInclined says...



First of all, why is this in Action/Adventure? It seems like a romance to me. You might want to move it. It's also a little long; that might be why you haven't gotten any reviews yet.

Anyway, onto the critique.

PLOT: I've never been a fan of highschool romances. Not only because there are about seven million of them floating around, but because they just aren't that interesting. To me. On the other hand, if you really like them, then you just have to figure out a way to make yours different from all the rest. At this point, it isn't any different. But you can change that.

Right now you have: normal girl with normal friends, hot guy with hot brother, girl becomes friends with hot guy... etc. Not going to work. Try: girl with too much self esteem assumes that hot guy will be in love with her; she's wrong, and thus must discover what the hell is wrong with the guy that he doesn't love her. Or something like that. Make something up. Be creative.

CHARACTERS: This is your amazing opportunity to discover how to make intriguing characters. At the moment you have fairly flat characters that have plenty of potential to be amazing. The main character must be a person. So, start by asking yourself questions about her. What is her favorite part of Monday? Why does she get up late on Sunday when her favorite thing is the morning? What makes her hair yellow in green light? Does she like mustard on her salad? What does her laugh sound like? What causes her to do anything/why does she contine to exist despite all odds? (And she can't be perfectly beautiful, that makes her boring.)

Answer a few of those questions, and make up a bunch of your own, and you will have a solid character.

This applies to Mister Hot Guy too. He must have a personality, and he cannot be the hottest guy on the planet. If he's perfect, real people can't relate.

DESCRIPTION: There is really no description. Which gives you plenty of room to add some amazing illustrations--with words. What does the school look like? the sky? the underneath of someone's sneakers? the window in the classroom? Does everything smell like salad as soon Carl walks into the room? Has someone drawn a picture of a rabid squirrel under the lunch table? How many lockers are there before she gets to her locker?

This goes for people too. And "she had green eyes and yellow hair" doesn't count. Use your imagination. And NEVER describe a half-naked guy. It makes you sound ridiculous.

TECHNICALITIES: You have a lot of grammar/punctuation mistakes. There are too many for me to correct them all, so I'll just give you a quick overview of what you're doing wrong.

Don't change tenses. For instance, you can't write: "Hi, my name is Sally," she says, as Mark walked by. Either it has to be "said" or Mark has to "walk" by.

And then with dialogue. This is how dialogue is done: "Hey," she said. "I need a french fry." OR: He ran by yelling, "You're a fag," as loud as he could.

If you're still confused, read some books/my writing, and you'll get it.

ANYWAY... that's about it. I'm sure if you put a little effort into this, it can be amazing. You have plenty of years ahead of you, and not all that many behind you. Don't get discouraged. Keep writing, and keep having fun, and feel free to message me if you have any questions at all.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
  





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99 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4893
Reviews: 99
Fri May 01, 2009 9:07 am
babymagic18 says...



this is very well written could you possibly give me some tips on how to make a story one that people want to read? thank you!
  








The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
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