Young Writers Society

"not about the murder"

its more the crime we should be worried about

As the detective ended a though day of work she received a phone call. “Detective Johnson, come here quickly there’s been a murder” said the shaky voice of her assistant Mr. Dudley.
“Where are you?” she asked
.
“At Clarkson Street. in Islington it’s a women and she's covered in bleach” He said. As the detective drove in his car he turned on the radio to listen on the news. “Today an unidentified woman was murdered on the street” the commentator said. “And now we talk to a detective on the case”
“Detective Dudley what do you have to say”
“Of course we're being highly confidential about the case now but I can tell you that we don’t know the women’s name is and we have determined time of death to be three days earlier” Detective Dudley said. She sometimes was surprised how when he was talking to her he was shaky but when talking to the paparazzi he managed to keep his cool.
She reached the crime scene and flashed her badge as the guarding police officer. “So what’s the story?” she asked the forensic investigator at the crime scene.
“a young women probably 28-30 died three days ago cause of death unknown. No physical damage sustained except for a mark to the left side of her neck possibly a symbol imprinted by the killer”
“Get her DNA imported to labs. First priority is to find out cause of death and her identity”.
“oh and boss your gonna need a gas mask” said Dudley.She grabbed the mask, fitted the rebreather over her mouth and nose, and then pulled the straps tight. She walked towards the body and looked. It had been covered completely with bleach and rubbish whoever had killed this women didn’t want the cops or anyone to be able to go anywhere near her. The woman was young. She always hated it when the victim was young. She looked at the side of the neck and she saw a mark. It was written in Arabic. She would have to have that translated later. But for now she tried to find cause of death. She rolled the women over to her side. And saw that the women’s face was pale white with purple blotches. At first she thought it was the bleach but then she saw that the women hands were sprinkled with a weird substance like powder so she took a sample of the powder and took a few pictures of the body and the marks on her neck. So she walked up and said to her boss “Duds I’m going back to the office meanwhile keep this lot from getting a picture of that body” Gesturing at the paparazzi eagerly trying to break through the barriers so that they could be the first to take a picture of the dead body.

hey people the title may be weird but when part 2 & 3 come out you'll understand the meaning.v have fun reading

bye fatma
xxx

Since you're new here, you probably wouldn't know this. First off, you need to review at least two other people's writings for everything you post your own work, so you need at least one more review. Second... Why did you post again after three minutes? I don't even know if that helps much... Anyway, if you wanted to add something more, you could click on "edit post" on the upper right hand part of the post. If you did it because you were impatient, then you should try to be more patient. I've had writings that hadn't been reviewed for a day or two, so three minutes...

Anyway, with that out of the way, on to the review. No harm, no foul, right? So, here we go.

As the detective ended a day of tough work she received a phone call. “Detective Johnson come here quickly there’s been a murder” said the shaky voice of her assistant Mr. Dudley.

First, you should probably rephrase the first sentence so that it fits the usual phrase. Just change it to "As the detective ended a tough day of work..." It flows better since it's the way it's most commonly used. Also, put a comma after "work". One last thing. Start a new paragraph where the dialogue starts. I say this because the first part is talking about what the detective is doing, and so when Mr. Dudley spoke, it made it appear to be the detective that spoke instead. So you need a new paragraph.

“At Clarkson St. in Islington it’s a women and she’s been beat very bad” He said

First, when you said "St." I thought you meant the abbreviation for Saint. I'd just spell out street since in dialogue you shouldn't shorten things like street, avenue, road, etc. Abbreviating Saint is acceptable, but not street. Also, you do this with all your dialogues. You don't put a comma between bad and the quotation mark. You need to do that to show the dialogue has ended. Also, you don't capitalize the "h" in "he" since it's not the beginning of a new sentence. I'll let you find the rest of them.

As the detective drove in his car he turned on the radio to listen on the news. “Today an unidentified woman was murdered on the street” the commentator said. “And now we talk to a detective on the case”

You need a comma after "car". Also, start a new sentence after the dialogue. One last thing. You mean "her" car, right? Because the detective is a girl.

“Detective Dudley what do you have to say”

This is one of those situations I told you about above, but it's a bit different here. Since there isn't a dialogue tag such as "he said", you need to use a period, exclamation point, or a question mark (although a question mark here since it's a question) You also need a comma after "Dudley". It should look like... "Detective Dudley, what do you have to say?"

“Of course were being highly confidential about the case now but I can tell you that

You need an apostrophe in "were" since it's combining "we" and "are". It should then be "we're". You also need a comma before "but".

we don’t know the women’s name is

First off, bad grammar. Get rid of "is". Second, you meant say "woman's" not "women's". Women is the plural form of woman.

She sometimes was surprised how when he was talking to her he was shaky but when talking to the paparazzi he managed to keep his cool.

I struggled through this one. It was mostly the set up and use of unnecessary words. This is how I'd put it.
She was always surprised that when Dudley was talking to her he was shaky, but when... (the rest is all good).

“a young women probably 28-30 died 3 days ago cause of death unknown no physical damage sustained except for a mark to the left side of her neck possibly a symbol imprinted by the killer”

Once again, change "women" to "woman". Also, when you can spell out the number in two or less words, you're supposed to write it out. So you need to write out 28, 30, and 3. Next, this sentence needs something dividing it up. Here's how it should look.
"A young woman, probably between twenty eight and thirty, died three days ago. The cause of death is unknown, and no physical damage was sustained except for a mark on the left side of her neck. It could possibly be a symbol imprinted by the killer."
See how I threw in a few words and actually used periods and started new sentences? No one talks that way unless they're a robot, and even if they did, it would be complicated to set up, because you'd need commas, colons, etc. It's just better this way.

“Get her DNA imported to labs.

imported to the labs.

said Dudley she grabbed the gas mask.

Period after "She".

It had been covered completely with bleach and rubbish whoever had killed this women didn’t want the cops to find her with her flesh on.

Swap the spots of "covered" and "completely". You need to go into more detail here, because I don't understand how being covered in belach and rubbish can leave her without flesh.

The woman was young. She always hated it when the victim was young.

Since you were just talking about the woman, when you say "she" I think it's that woman. So, you need to say "the detective", or something.

She looked at the side of the neck and she saw a mark. It was written in Arabic.

Just so you know, this could very well just be a tattoo the victim had drawn on. The police and the detective are a little too curious about it, if you ask me.

the women hands were sprinkled with a weird substance like powder so she took

Change "women" to "woman's".

So she walked up and said to her boss “Duds I’m going back to the office meanwhile keep this lot from getting a picture of that body”

Dudley is her assistant, not her boss, right?

Okay, overall, the main problem with this was that there were many, many, many grammatical errors, a lot of which that could be weeded out by simply proofreading it. There was a definite mix up between "women" and "woman" as well. Otherwise, you didn't do much describing either. We don't know what the detective looks like, what Dudley looks like, and we only got a little tidbit about the dead girl. You tell us what's happening instead of showing us. For example

She grabbed the mask

First off, this is all we hear about the mask. You never actually have her put it on. So, for argument's sake, let's say you said, "She grabbed the mask and put it on." Now, this sentence is telling me what's happening. Here's if I am showing.
"She grabbed the mask, fitted the rebreather over her mouth and nose, and then pulled the straps tight."
You never really take the time to stop and smell the roses, if you get what I mean. See how much more interesting my sentence was (Although I will admit that I didn't use an exact sample from your writing, but I just needed to show you the difference between showing and telling).
So you basically just need to describe the world around your character more.

Now, otherwise I'm liking the modern day, female Sherlock Holmes and Watson thing you've got going here (whether it's intended or not, it just reminded me of it). After all, who doesn't like a good murder mystery? To make it more hooking, however, you should try and make this murder seem interesting, original, and above all, intriguingly mysterious. Bring something new to the table, and this could be great. Good luck with the rest of your story!

As the detective ended a day of tough work she received a phone call. “Detective Johnson come here quickly there’s been a murder” said the shaky voice of her assistant Mr. Dudley.

comma after Johnson, punctuation after murder and comm after assistant.

“Where are you” she said.

"?" after you. Maybe she could ask a question, or query? Anything but said.

“At Clarkson St. in Islington it’s a women and she’s been beat very bad”

maybe you should re-phrase this sentence, it sounds a bit odd.

“Today an unidentified woman was murdered on the street”

Again, you need some sort of punctuation to go after street.

“And now we talk to a detective on the case”

Punctuation.

“Detective Dudleycomma what do you have to say”

Punctuation.

“Of coursecomma were we are is abbreviated here, so it should be we're being highly confidential about the case now[u]comma but I can tell you that we don’t know whatthe women’s name is and we have determined time of death to be 3 days earlier”

maybe you should re-phrase this last bit, but we do know that she has been dead for approximatly three days. She died about three days ago... something along these lines.

She sometimes was surprised how when he was talking to her he was shaky but when talking to the paparazzi he managed to keep his cool.

should be

She was sometimes surprised at how confident the man was at talking to the press, when he was petrified when talking to her.

“So what’s the story?” “a young women probably 28-30 died 3 days agocomma cause of death unknownfull stop no physical damage sustained except for a mark to the left side of her neckcomma possibly a symbol imprinted by the killerfull stop”

line break when new characters are talking.
capital for new person talking.

“ohcapital, comma afterwards and boss your gonna need a gas mask” said Dudleyfull stop, capital she grabbed the gas mask. She walked towards the body and looked. two sentences beginning with she, take out the period and qsuash them together. It had been covered completely with bleach and rubbishfull stop and capital. whoever had killed this women didn’t want the cops to find her with her flesh on. The woman was young. She always hated it when the victim was young. She looked at the side of the neck and she saw a mark. It was written in Arabic. She would have to have that translated later. But for now she tried to find cause of death. She rolled the women over to her side. And saw that the women’s face was pale white with purple blotches. too many times here you have said the womenAt first she thought it was the bleach but then she saw that the women hands were sprinkled with a weird substance like powder commaso she took a sample of the powder and took a few pictures of the body and the marks on her neck.[s] So [/s]she walked up and said to her boss “Duds commaI’m going back to the office meanwhile keep this lot from getting a picture of that body” Gesturing at the paparazzi eagerly trying to break through the barriers so that they could be the first to take a picture of the dead body.

overall, your grammar was appauling, but otherwise it was a good story. run it through a spell check in word next time you post a story, and correct all of the grammar mistakes