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The fight in the night



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Sat Jan 24, 2009 6:42 am
frenchyrude says...



I know this is long but i really need some help with that one. thank you all.

It was fall. I was almost sure, since it was raining. But then I hadn’t been sure of those thing in a long time. I’m the girl of the jungle now, not the city girl I use to be. I walk silently in the wood. I had my mission. I was to spy to make sure the police had left the village. They had been searching for Phoolan Devi around this part for weeks now. What they didn’t know was that she had long left to the north of India. It made it very difficult for us to go around. Even though they were searching for Phoolan, they would me more then happy to catch some few dacoits, some rogue. Still nobody even thought of telling the cops were she was. I’m glad because she was my hero. She was the one that had fine me in the maraja house, were some his son had left me die, after raping and beating me half to death. Phoolan took peaty on me. She had took hold of me, and scream

“This what we fight for.” Then she had looked at me and said:

“Were is that dog that did that to you?”

I had shaken my head. For I had no idea was, plus my mouth was full of blood. Everything was chaotic. People running everywhere in panic or creating panic. From what I had understand a group of dacoit had attack the maraja houses. Phoolan had called two young man and scream to them that they were to carry me. I remember hearing there complain.

“But Phoolan,” one men had said “she is white.”

Before Phoolan could reply had voice had boom.

“ Did she ask you the color of her skin? No! So get moving!” Latter I had learned that he was one chief of Phoolan, he name was Kumar. He now was now that Phoolan had left our leader.

“Kat!” A loud murmur woke me of my day dreaming, “ We need to get to that tree over there.”

Charen said, pointing to a big tree farther on the right.

“We will have a better view of the village.” Of course he was dead right. I would have probably have notice if I hadn’t been dreaming. We advance silently to the tree. Charen and I were the best at this kind of job. We could follow someone for hours without getting notice. Charen was small and thin, just like me, his skin was darker then most Indian making it perfect for passing unnoticed in the jungle. For me it was harder, I had to put on my face and hand, a dark cream, made of oil, ash and henna, to make my skin darker. Sometime I would put jasmine oil to make it smell better. The tree that Charen had notice was perfect, it was big enough for two people to hide behind, and its trunk was cover in moss and ivy. Ivy was good because you could watch people through them without them seeing you. Charen and I knew our routine. As I watch the village he would watch my back. Charen got comfortable leaning on the tree. I was not so lucky. The tree was not I good as we thought it was. The ivy was not thick enough. I had to find a better place. I look around and notice a bush a few feet from here. It was leafy enough that I could hide but not to leafy that I couldn’t sit behind it. The only problem was that from the tree to the bush was open, and visible from the village. I would have to crawl. I gesture to Charen telling him what I was going to do. He nodded, trusting me. Once in my bush I try to make myself comfortable. It was of course impossible, I knew I would cramp in a few minute with the position I had. Plus, it was raining hard and now I was in the open. My cloths were muddy too. But that was my job and it had to be down. Minutes went by and the villager, unknowing that were being watch want on about there business. After an hour still no police in view. Charen whistle softly, getting my attention. I turn my head to look at him. He hand sign, anything?
I shook my head. Then lets go, I’m tired. I shook my head before hissing

“At lease you’re not soaking wet.” I knew, and he knew that we should stay longer it was more prudent. He was just being lazy, plus we had been here only for an hour. I return to my watching, annoyed but the dripping of my hair on my face. At lease the rain was warm, unlike the one in England. Thinking of England turning a watch was the worst idea ever. It was one of those moment were nothing can distract you. And the subject would get stuck in your head for hours. I would drool on why didn’t I listen to my mom when she told me not to talk to stranger. How I got taking away. I would go through the all story until I join the dacoit. Today I had just got to the part when I was push in to a room on a boat, when a movement got my attention. It was two cops walking out of a house. After a few minutes an other policemen walk out followed by an other one not long after. I waited about fifteen minute to make sure that the weren’t anymore, before I whistle softly to get Charen attention. He turned to look at me. I hand signal: four policemen. He nodded and gesture me over. I crawl carefully out of the bush to the tree. Once at the tree Charen murmur.

“We better get out of here then. Do you think there are more?”

“I don’t know,” I murmur back, “ it possible that there a few more in the houses.”

“We don’t have the time to stay longer. If we want to get to the camp before dark we need to go now. You go first, I’ll cover you.”
I didn’t argue I was suddenly tired. We silently made our way back to the depth of the jungle.

“ You seem tired,” said chalen looking at me, “that not like you. Are you sick?”
The concern Charen had about me always warm my heart with a soft fire. Charen always cared about every body in our camp. He was of a very happy nature and was very slow to get mad. And even though being sixteen mad him the younger he was respected of all. He had adopted me as his big sister and cared for me as I cared for him.

“No I’m not sick, I’m just worry.” We could speak freely now that we were deep in the jungle

“About what?” he ask keeping his eyes down. An other thing about Charen was that he was very shy, the complete opposite of me.

“Well to tell you the truth, I’m scared that Raja think that he can take the risk to enter the village. I which Kumar was here.”

“You always which that Kumar was here as soon as he leave for a while.” Said Charen pushing me lightly.

“Stop it,” I said glaring at him

“Well it’s true.”

“Maybe but I have a good reason, he always put Raja in charge, and Raja is ALWAYS cross with me. I bet its just because I’m the only girl.”

“Well we better start running get to the camp before dark. You wouldn’t want to give him a other reason to be cross with you.”

I grumble, and took off in a trot. Charen followed me close behind. The worse about being a dacoit in my opinion was all the running we had to do. We were always running somewhere. Sometime we want on for hours. Today it was only an hour run. When we got the camp, other dacoit had just lighted the fires.
“You are late!” Raja yelled on top of the noises. As was expected he was glaring at me. At the corner of my vision I could see Charen covering a smile with his hand.

“You find anything funny Charen” Raja asks now staring at my friend. Charen immediately looked down and shook his head.

“Good. Go help Lal. Kat report!”

“Four police man and maybe more. They got out of a house, all four of them. We had to go so I don’t know if there is more.”

“Only four? That good.”

“Huh they could be more.”

“I didn’t ask you girl. Out of my sight”
I left quickly. I was glad that he had send me away before I could something as stupid as hitting him in the face. I walk to Charen.

“I really hate him.” I murmur to him.

“Shut up. You don’t him to hear you.”

“ Do you think I care?”

“Well you should. He could make your life way worse and you know it. So shut up.”

“Dacoit!” Raja called. He was answer by many voice, mine with them. I didn’t like him but I was I dacoit so when he call I answer.

“Dacoit, the village as only four cops. What do you say about helping the people getting rid of them?”
They were a big cry of agreement in the dacoit. I look at Charen but he looked away. Darn, I had to do this, since I could see that Charen wasn’t going to.

“We don’t know if there only four they could be more,” I said loud enough so everybody could hear me.

“We didn’t ask you woman! Go back to your cooking, and don’t bother the men no more.”
Most of the men looked down they knew that if Kumar was here Raja would have never dare to speak like that to me. But they could say nothing Raja was in charge. I turn around to leave but before that I made sure to stare at each man. Most of them look down as my eyes met there. I could see in there eyes that they trusted me but could do nothing. I was disgust with them. I want in the trees grabbing some water and food on they way. I didn’t go to far I wanted to hear their discussion.

“Maybe Kat right you know.” Someone said.

“Yes, she knows what she doing.” An other one adds.
I imagine Jara was red with anger by now.

“You coward! Scared of a few soldier. Listening to a girl.” Jara was yelling now.

“ Say we attack tonight!” he adds.

“ But Jara, maybe we should wait till Kumar come back” someone was brave enough to say.

“NO! I say tonight, and tonight it is! Arm up men!”
I could hear the noise of the men getting ready for a battle. I got up and went grab my rifle.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Jara voice sounded behind me. I close my hand in to a fist, took a big breath, turn around, and smiled.

“To battle, like you order.”

“I said MEN. Battle is not a place for girl. It dangerous.”

“Well maybe I’ll get killed so you wont have to see me ever again.” Saying that I turn around and join Charen. He was ready to go. In fact every body was ready to go we were just waiting for Jara to give the signal. When he did we all brook into a run. And off we went back to the village. I was glad I had eaten something earlier. Jara gave the signal to stop. I could see the light of the village between the trees. I try to imagine their reaction when thirty men will enter their village to kick out the cops. I didn’t like all this was making me nervous. What if there were more cops? They normally always go around with at lease forty men not four. Something inside me was telling me that it was a trap. I want up to jara and murmur to him.

“It could be a trap.”

“Shut up, talk when you are ask for. Fall back. You and you stay with her.” He point at people around him, not paying any attention to me anymore. “You, you and you, enter the village. You, and you cover the three. The rest wait for my signal.”
Even though I didn’t like Jara, I had to admit that he knew what he was doing. The five men entered the village quietly. After a few minutes, they still were not back. I was nervous, I had no reason I had done many time. I didn’t like killing but I still could remember what those men had do to me, it helped me to make my hard as cold as ice. Then only revenge would count. I didn’t know how many men I killed nor I wanted to know. After a few more minutes, one of the man appeared.

“It’s clear,” he murmurs to Jara, “the other stayed at their position.”

“Very good. Come on, let’s go!”
The dacoit charge out of the jungle into the village, there were running yet the made no noise. I stay back with the other two men, like I was order. I hate staying behind. You had to wait and do nothing. I watch as the last men entered to village. At first it was dead silent but soon cried and noise shout through the air. My two companions got their guns ready; I did the same, wondering if I should go take a peek. I could here some gun shoot. Charen was over there, and he was just a kid. Normally I would have been there to watch for his back and Kumar would have help too. I had to go. I was about to leave wane one of the man put his hand on my shoulder.

“Orders are orders. You have to stay.”

I knew he was right. I turn my head to hide the tear of frustration that roll down my cheek. The gun shoot hadn’t end. They fill the sky with booming and smoke. More people yelled and scream. I could see children running and getting hid. The police was everywhere. I knew this was a trap. Luckily Jara was a good warrior. He got his man to retreat carefully. Knew that we had lost a lot of man. The worse is that I could see only the police because our men were wearing black and green. Everything was a mess. I try in vain to see Charen. Oh, how I which Kumar was here. I could see that their cops were thinning but only slowing. Too slowly in my opinion, way too slowly, they were so many. The shooting stop, I could now hear the police yelling.

“I can’t see them anymore.”

“Well look. They must be somewhere. Search the jungle!”

“ The jungle, sir? At nighttime? But sir!”

“Do as your told.”

I stop listening for Jara and his men had appeared in front of us. I could see that we were missing about ten men. I shut up though; it wasn’t the moment to point the obvious.

“Fall back to camp. And at a trot. Now! Healthy people help the wounded. I had no time to look for Charen. A man with a cut on his leg was handed to me. As I helping run, I wondered about Charen. Was he still alive? Was he dead? I stop worrying about him wane I trip nearly pulling the wounded man with me. After that I only cosentrate on my step. We took longer to get to the camp. Once there I had to help putting bandage on the wounded. I was tired and it was nearly morning wane I finely saw Charen.

“Oh dear god. Are you ok?” I ask seeing is head in a white bandage.

“Couldn’t be better” he reply smiling. “Just a bit light head.”

“Hum. You better get some rest. What is Kumar going to say? He is going to bit my head off when he sees you.”

“No, my brother, is going to think me a war hero.” He reply with a mocking smile

“Keep telling yourself that. Now sleep”

“WE NEED TO MOVE THE CAMP! EVERY BODY GETS UP!” Jara yelled.

Every body grumble but did as order. The healthy took all the heavy things and help the not so lucky.

“How far do we need to go?” Someone ask.

“ About a mile and a half north.” Reply Jara.

Nobody said anything, at this point there were all to tire to complain. As were about to leave. A well-known voice made everybody jump.

“Were are you all going like that. Thinking of leaving me here alone.” Kumar appear between the trees. “ Good God! What did you do to my men, Jara? Why are their cops every were at the front of the jungle”
Kumar an exited murmur want trough the dacoit. It’s Kumar. His back.

"Hum, it a long story.” Jara murmur, red with shame.
I actually felt a bit sorry at the moment. Kumar didn’t stay long and looked around

“ And were is my wife and my brother?”

“Right here!” Charen and I said at the same time.
We walk forward, as Kumar exclaimed

“But you are wounded little brother!”

“Oh it nothing, just a little souvenir that the cops thought they give me.”
Kumar laugh was warm.

“Were are you all going? No needs to go any were the cops are far from here. Let put this camp back in order”

Every body scattered and went to their business setting the camp back to order. I stay were I was, looking at my husband. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Like always he had arrived at the perfect moment.

“ Is that how you welcome your husband, wife?”

I blush and run up to him. He pull me into his arm and kiss me square on the mouth.

“ It good to be back! Even though half of my men are missing or wounded.” He exclaim looking at me.

“It’s good to have you back.” I murmur.
"What i hear, i forget. What i see, i remember. What i do , I learn." Chinese Proverb
  





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Points: 1779
Reviews: 121
Mon Jan 26, 2009 3:26 am
PhoenixBishop says...



I know what you mean I can never find anyone to read my chapters. So I'm going to be nice and read this whole thing and give the best feedback I can. Don't expect to many correction in grammar I'm horrible at it.

It was fall. I was almost sure, since it was raining.


This may sound stupid but isn't spring known for rain. Hence April Showers.

.
She was the one that had fine me in the maraja house, were some his son had left me die, after raping and beating me half to death. Phoolan took peaty on me. She had took hold of me, and scream


Found me



had shaken my head. For I had no idea was
,

who he was

plus my mouth was full of blood. Everything was chaotic. People running everywhere in panic or creating panic. From what I had understand a group of dacoit had attack the maraja houses. Phoolan had called two young man and scream to them that they were to carry me. I remember hearing there complain.



Before Phoolan could reply had voice had boom.


A bit awkward


Did she ask you the color of her skin? No! So get moving!” Latter I had learned that he was one chief of Phoolan, he name was Kumar. He now was now that Phoolan had left our leader.


his name



“We will have a better view of the village.” Of course he was dead right. I would have probably have notice if I hadn’t been dreaming. We advance silently to the tree. Charen and I were the best at this kind of job. We could follow someone for hours without getting notice.


noticed


It was leafy enough that I could hide but not to leafy that I couldn’t sit behind it. The only problem was that from the tree to the bush



too


was open, and visible from the village. I would have to crawl. I gesture to Charen telling him what I was going to do. He nodded,


You tend to switch tenses. gesture present. nodded past.

[
At lease the rain was warm, unlike the one in England
.
the rain in England.


Thinking of England turning a watch was the worst idea ever
.

awkward


It was one of those moment


moments


.
I would drool on why didn’t I listen to my mom when she told me not to talk to stranger
.

drool should be replaced by reflect or ponder. Drool reminds me of sleeping or dogs.
strangers


How I got taking

taken



away. I would go through the all story until I join the dacoit. Today I had just got to the part when I was push in to a room on a boat, when a movement got my attention. It was two cops walking out of a house.
After a few minutes another policemen walk


walked, walks what in whatever tense you're using


.
I waited about fifteen minute

minutes

. He nodded and gesture me over.


Again tense gestured, gestures






“We don’t have the time to stay longer. If we want to get to the camp before dark we need to go now.

You go first, I’ll cover you.”

Forgot quotation mark at beginning of this

I didn’t argue I was suddenly tired. We silently made our way back to the depth of the jungle.


back into the depths

“ You seem tired,” said chalen looking at me, “that not like you. Are you sick?”
The concern Charen had about me always warm my heart with a soft fire.


warmed, warms
depending on tense



Charen always cared about every body in our camp. He was of a very happy nature and was very slow to get mad. And even though being sixteen mad him the younger he was respected of all. He had adopted me as his big sister and cared for me as I cared for him.

“No I’m not sick, I’m just worry.” We could speak freely now that we were deep in the jungle

made

sentence a bit awkward


“About what?” he ask
keeping his eyes down. An other thing about Charen was that he was very shy, the complete opposite of me.

asked


“Well to tell you the truth, I’m scared that Raja think that he can take the risk to enter the village. I which Kumar was here.”


Am I missing something because your spelling mistakes are all the same. No s or ed at the end of words. are you doing this on purpose.




Maybe but I have a good reason, he always put Raja in charge, and Raja is ALWAYS cross with me. I bet its just because I’m the only girl.”


puts

“Well we better start running get to the camp before dark. You wouldn’t want to give him a other reason to be cross with you.”


if we want to get to camp before dark

I grumble, and took off in a trot. Charen followed me close behind. The worse about being a dacoit in my opinion was all the running we had to do.


horses trot


We were always running somewhere. Sometime we want on for hours
.

went






Four police man and maybe more. They got out of a house, all four of them. We had to go so I don’t know if there is more.”


men

“Only four? That good.”





This is a good idea but it's confusing with the misspelling and tense shifts. If you fix that it'll be perfect. You have excellent story telling abilities. If you are doing it on purpose do to style. Then you can delete this review.


PM me if you have any questions. By the way Thanks this is the longest review I've dine now I know I can do it.
  





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121 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1779
Reviews: 121
Tue Jan 27, 2009 2:58 am
PhoenixBishop says...



I'm back! Sorry if I offended you last time I didn't actually read your avatar name if I had I would probably have guessed you were french, and wouldn't have been so mean about the grammar, but you're English was really good. I took french in school for three ears and I couldn't write a children's book let alone an complex story like this.






“I didn’t ask you girl. Out of my sight”
I left quickly. I was glad that he had send me away before I could something as stupid as hitting him in the face. I walk to Charen.

“I really hate him.” I murmur to him.

sent


“Shut up. You don’t him to hear you.”


want in-between don't and him




“Dacoit!” Raja called. He was answer by many voice, mine with them. I didn’t like him but I was I dacoit so when he call I answer.


awkward


“Dacoit, the village as only four cops
.

has


They were a big cry of agreement in the dacoit. I look at Charen but he looked away. Darn, I had to do this, since I could see that Charen wasn’t going to.



looked


“We don’t know if there only four they could be more,” I said loud enough so everybody could hear me.


there are

“We didn’t ask you woman! Go back to your cooking, and don’t bother the men no more.”

Not wrong but would sound better
like don't bother the men with your silly fears.

Most of the men looked down they knew


put a that in-between men and looked


Most of them look down as my eyes met there. I could see in there eyes that they trusted me but could do nothing. I was disgust with them.


looked
disgusted


“Maybe Kat right you know.” Someone said.



is in between Kat and right

“Yes, she knows what she doing.” An other one adds.
I imagine Jara was red with anger by now.


she's



“You coward! Scared of a few soldier. Listening to a girl.” Jara was yelling now.
“ Say we attack tonight!” he adds.

soilders
added


“ But Jara, maybe we should wait till Kumar come back” someone was brave enough to say.


comes




I could hear the noise of the men getting ready for a battle. I got up and went grab my rifle.



put a to in between


went and grab


What do you think you’re doing?” Jara voice sounded behind me. I close my hand in to a fist, took a big breath, turn around, and smiled.

“To battle, like you order.”

Jara's

“I said MEN. Battle is not a place for girl. It dangerous.”


a girl or not a place for girls



I want up to jara and murmur to him.


went

“It could be a trap.”


! at the end instead of the period.

“Shut up, talk when you are ask for.


asked to


Fall back. You and you stay with her.” He point at people around him, not paying any attention to me anymore.


pointed


After a few minutes, they still were not back. I was nervous, I had no reason I had done many time. I didn’t like killing but I still could remember what those men had do to me, it helped me to make my hard as cold as ice.


add to be in-between reason and I. Period at the end of be.





“It’s clear,” he murmurs to Jara, “the other stayed at their position.”


peronal pet peeve this is about the fourth time you used mummur instead of said. Tags are to be used sparingly.



I stop listening for Jara and his men had appeared in front of us. I could see that we were missing about ten men. I shut up though; it wasn’t the moment to point the obvious.


stopped

“Fall back to camp. And at a trot. Now! Healthy people help the wounded
.

again horse trot just use walk or something.


I
had no time to look for Charen. A man with a cut on his leg was handed to me. As I helping run, I wondered about Charen
.

As I helped him run




“Oh dear god. Are you ok?” I ask seeing is head in a white bandage
.

asked

“Couldn’t be better” he reply smiling. “Just a bit light head.”


replied




“No, my brother, is going to think me a war hero.” He reply with a mocking smile



replied

Nobody said anything, at this point there were all to tire to complain. As were about to leave. A well-known voice made everybody jump.


too tired

Were are you all going like that. Thinking of leaving me here alone.” Kumar appear between the trees. “ Good God! What did you do to my men, Jara? Why are their cops every were at the front of the jungle”


Where




I blush and run up to him. He pull me into his arm and kiss me square on the mouth.


blushed
pulls



“It’s good to have you back.” I murmur.


there is that word again. Everyone has a word they use to much without realizing it mine is as.




Overall really good. Like I said before your only real problem is grammar and that's understandable. I'm a native to this country and I still have problems with it. You may not catch it in my stuff, but just look at the comments.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Tue Jan 27, 2009 4:41 am
frenchyrude says...



Thanks so much for doing that :)
No hard feeling :)
I didn't even notice your were mean :shock:
I will try to get to your story as soon as i can but im about to start a new semester and i have 10 classes plus work, so i don't know when Im going to be able.
thank you so much again
Elysa
"What i hear, i forget. What i see, i remember. What i do , I learn." Chinese Proverb
  








How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane