Young Writers Society

Daphne Nord
Preface
My mother told me that when she was a little girl she could see the stars out here in the desert.
Dad told me that it wasn’t dry at all. There was lush green grass and the sky wasn’t clouded with smog.
I could picture the world all clean like they remembered it to be.
A blue sky, green hills, stars gleaming in the night sky.
No fog, not a cloud above our heads.
Not a care. Like we feel now.
We feel as if the world is ours to take, that it renews it self after we destroy it.
I’ve seen the stars. But I was younger and did not cherish them like wiser people (such as my parents) did.
So imagine a clean, pristine field.
The grass looks so green it looks almost fake. And not chemically-engineered fake, but straight-out-of-a-painting fake.
A massive forest surrounds the field and animals live their lives happily there. The air is so fresh, so clean, you wouldn’t think twice that you have died and gone to heaven.
Then man lives there for millions of years…
Over time the grass loses it’s lush, green color. The air churns into a smoky fog.
The stars are cheated out of their light. The ground, which was covered in grass, is now covered in sand.
Can you see it?
It’s horrible isn’t?
I have to live like this. In this dusty desert with nothing to make me smile.
In the future we will pay for the past.
But what is the price?

The grass looks so green it looks almost fake. And not chemically-engineered fake, but straight-out-of-a-painting fake.

The idea you're trying to get across at this point of the story is that the world used to be beautiful. Although very healthy grass can be described as appearing fake, it's not the best way for this situation. It makes it sound less special than it really is. Maybe you could describe it as lush, dark, rich, etc. Just use something more appealing.

Overall I really liked this. Short, but good. It was easy to read, and although the message wasn't an uncommon one, it still gave the desired effect. The only real problem I could see was that you started new paragraphs very frequently. Most of the time it's okay, but sometimes you do it at an unnecessary moment. I'm not too good at picking them out, so I'll have you read through them and use your intuition.

Well, keep up the good work. I liked it.

Wait... I just went back and read the title. Is this the beginning to a story, or a message to we humans about the effects we have on the environment? Because it sounds environmental, but I guess I can also see it as a beginning to a story. So... Which is it?

Nice environmental story. It is a story, right? The whole preface thing?
So I agree with mikedb1492 about the fake grass and the paragraphs. In one of my stories, I wrote it in a interesting style and did many short paragraphs. But not all were short, which gave the short one more meaning.

Not a care. Like we feel now.

What do you mean by that? It sounds like you're saying it's the same, but I'm guessing you mean the opposite. That now we don't care about the environment; then we didn't have to.

Then man lives there for millions of years…

Then the man? I mean, I get it, but it took me a while. Maybe do something like they do in cartoons. Center: Thousands of man-infested years later. Or something like that.
[quote]But I was younger and did not cherish them like wiser people (such as my parents) did.
So the narrator has seen a world with no global warming. The begininng makes it seem as if it was decades ago, and then it's like it was just a few years before. You could have the grandparents telling the story of their childhood, and have the narrator imagining it.
Great story with a good point. I can't wait to read the rest.

Heya,

Review time *cheer*

Here we go:

Daphne Nord C'est quoi ça? [Excuse my French ] Is this the name of the MC? The name of the story?

Not a care. Like we feel now. "Not a care" sounds a bit odd.

We feel as if the world is ours to take, that it renews it self after we destroy it. Very nice.

So imagine a clean, pristine field.

The grass looks so green it looks almost fake. Repetiton of "looks". Change the first one into "is" and then it's fine.

A massive forest surrounds the field and animals live their lives happily there. The air is so fresh, so clean, you wouldn’t think twice that you have died and gone to heaven. Nice!

Over time the grass loses it’s lush, green color. The air churns into a smoky fog.

The stars are cheated out of their light. The ground, which was covered in grass, is now covered in sand.

Very good piece. Powerful.

Well done!

*gives a star*

PM me for anything!

XxxDo