z

Young Writers Society


Re-living the dream



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Mon Jan 19, 2009 8:02 pm
asxz says...



This is what i entered in the twilight short short story competition. It had to be less than 350 words, and contain the words:
Red Carpet
Forks
A Swan

It was quiet, so quiet that each rock dislodged beneath my feet was like a crime against nature. The lake lay there so peacefully; it felt so wrong to disturb the calm.
I stopped; I knew that I was here, that I had reached my final destination.
With regret I walked to the lake. Using every ounce of courage that I held in my body, slowly dipping my biggest toe into the bitter waters, deliberately taking my time, persuading myself that I could acclimatize to its icy temperature.
I quickly withdrew the point of my toe, startled by the screams that were suddenly upon me.
They had caught up with me, after all this time.
I strained my eyes to search through the fog, shocked by the sight; the still waters were no more.
Gasps of terror clung to me, while I located the disturbance.
Waves cut through the dark water, rippling until they lapped against the shore.
A small girl - no more than 6 - struggled in a fight against death itself.
I had heard this before; too many times I had woken to the sound of these screams. There was no time to hesitate, no time to back down now. It was time to face the nightmare. With one desperate gulp of air, I threw myself into the water, diving into that black body that had terrified me for so long. The water engulfed me, and I fought hard not to let the panic take hold. I hurriedly swam to the girl, with forks of water trailing in my wake.
I was shocked upon reaching my destination to find it was but a hallucination, just a swan quickly leaving the vicinity, disrupted by my violent attempts to fight the past. I watched with awe as the white swan faded into the mist, like blood disappears into red carpet. I stayed where I was, treading water and breathing heavily as the feeling of achievement flooded through my veins. Today I had done it! Twenty years ago I had nearly drowned. My nightmare was over.
  





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Mon Jan 19, 2009 10:44 pm
RGallagher says...



Since this is short, it's hard to give a long critique, but I'll do my best!

It seems well written and error free. No grammar, punctuation or spelling errors jump out at me. But this leaves me with more questions than answers. Who is this girl? Why is she at a lake if she's scared of it? What's the setting besides peaceful. Is it day, night, morning? How do you mistake a swan for a kid fighting death? How old is the MC? I know you have a word limit and all (which always sucks) but you left us with a lot of questions. Maybe go back to this now that the contest is over and expand on it. Add more emotion and back story to it. Oh and one more question. What in the hell did this have to do with Twilight? (How the eff do you get "red carpet" from Twilight? I can see Forks and Swan, but where the feck did "red carpet" come from?)
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Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:15 pm
asxz says...



I think it was more of "blood makes it a red carpet", but i don't really know. I might go back and expand on it more, which i wasn't planning to do before. Thanks for that! I'll post the compleated story later.
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Mon Mar 02, 2009 6:34 am
fluteluvr77 says...



This is really well-written and I couldn't find any nitpicks...But, I didn't really understand why in the beginning it says they had caught up to me...Is the MC talking about her memories and her past? I'm unsure why that is plural...I loved the theme of this and the idea of conquering one's fears...I wish it could've been longer and delved a little deeper into her past...But, this was great for a short that had to be under 350 words...Is there any specific way this relates to Twilight? I mean, I saw that it contained the words, but I didn't really see any other way it related to the story...Or am I just being dense? Anywayz, it would be nice if you could clear that up for me in a PM or something...Great job on this!
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