Young Writers Society

Her eyes glistened with the reflection of the morning sun as it rose high into the sky. Anticipation coarsed through her exasted body, sending pulses of energy running through it, despite her condition. Instead of the jewels she deserved, blood splattered her new battle gear. All the signs of war were apparent by the appearance of the small surviving band of warriors, loyal to the end. Each one knew that death was only moments away, awaiting them over the next ridge. Yet, they stood by their princess, the last survivor of the royal family.

It wasw still a marvel to her that these men would risk everything they had, even to the point of death, for her kingdom.

A horn arose from the silence. The brave troops shifted nervouusly. The pounding of boots rang in their ears.

"Princess Adriana, surrender now and your troops, nor your estste, will not be harmed. Hesitate or fight, and everything you love and hold dear will be destroyed."

She had planned for this.

Her best friend, Lael, who could have passed for her twin, stood up slowly. "I surrender, on the condition that my kingdom, and everything in it, is left exactly as it is. Not one person is to be harmed, not one woman raped, not one child sold into slavery, not one animal killed, and not one brick carted away. Do we have an accord?"

"Of course, your highness. As long as you keep your side of the bargin, we'll keep ours." A cruel smile formed on the general's thin lips. "Take her away in chains. You never know what will happen with this one. She tends to be very deceiving. With your leave, of course, my lady." He made a mocking bow.

Watching from the heath, Adriana clenched her fists into a tight ball. You have no idea how deceptive I can be, general.

As the clinking of chains faded into the distance, the general surveyed the people and lands before him. "You know, it woul be such a shame to waste such wonderful hospitality, not to mention all the free slaves and wenches just ripe for the plucking. What do you say, Gents? Shall we?"

A cheer arose from the enemy troops, an aweful, final cheer. Adriana knew this would happen, no matter what she did or how hard they fought. The only way to win this battle was with the elemant ot surprise. But, they had the advantage. The general thought he had already won by capturing their leader, when in fact she lied in wait for the opportune moment to strike.

"You, troops, show some respect to the victors! Down on your faces! Now!"

The troop "leader" glanced over at the princess. He smiled. After she had stood up, he looked her over from top to bottom. Adrianna felt as if she had been put on display. Instinctively, she reached for her lightsaber, hungering to take off the smug general's haed. He smiled.

"Now what do we have here? Aren't you a pretty thing? I'm sure that we can put you to good use." He grinned.

Adrianna was furious. Glaring through narrow slits, she slowly took out her lazer. "Do I look like a whore to you? Or are you such a pig that you think all women have been made to serve your purpose!" she screemed.

"Fiesty. Just the way I like 'em. Boys, grab her!"

At that moment, every soldier working for the princess sprang for their swords.

"What do you think your doing? Don't you know your outnumbered?" screached the general.

A slow smile spread across Adrianna's face. Everyone knew that she was the best fighter in all the worlds. it was rumored that she ahd taken out two full armies at once single handedly.

"Not anymore, 'general.' You see, I'm afraid you got the wrong girl. My best friend was only to happy to help out when she learned that she could save the kingdom. And, seeming as how most of your men went to escort her, or should I say me, you now have less men than we do. So, guess what, general, we win. Tough luck, aye? Too bad. And I was really hoping for a challenge. Men, attack!"

Everyone sprang to respond to the immediate order. Even though it was spontaneous, they were used to these comands. Their leader wasn't known for giving adaquate warning. But, she was fair and just, and she would never ask her followers to do something that she herself was not willing to do.

Wow! That was really good! I wanna read more!

it was rumored that she ahd taken out

This should read, "It was rumored that she had taken out..."

That was the only mistake I could find.

Great job! Keep writing!

BBB

Very clever and well written.
My only recommendation is to read through it again a little slower to avoid skimming over the smaller mistakes.

*It wasw still (2nd paragraph, 1st line)
*surrender now and your troops, nor your estste (4th paragraph, 1st line. This should be 'and neither your troops')
*smug general's haed. (I assume this should be 'head'. 12th paragraph, 3rd line)

Good work. Kudos.

well all in all it was a pretty good story, but it had alot of typos.
it had a nice idea but you need to edit it.

the story line was exellent the only thing i can find wrong was the numerous typos and you could explain the back round a little more, write on

This is an excellent story you have going on here. I really liked the way you subtely introduced the charactesrs and stroyline, I didn't feel as if I was being pressed with info here. Well done! I like the characters, keep writing and fighting!

~D'Aedomir~

Hi, Jamie! I found this sitting around and I thought I'd pay a visit!

Anticipation [s]coarsed [/s] coursed through her [s]exasted exhausted body[/s] veins, sending pulses of energy running through [s]it[/s] her exhausted body, despite her condition.

Yet, [no comma] they stood by their princess, the last survivor of the royal family.

It [s]wasw[/s] still [s]a[/s] marvel[ed[/b] [s]to[/s] her [s]that[/s] how these men would risk everything they had, even [s]to the point of death[/s] their lives [?], for her kingdom.

A horn arose from the silence. The brave troops shifted [s]nervouusly[/s] nervously. [comma instead] The pounding of boots [s]rang[/s] ringing in their ears.

"Princess Adriana, surrender now and your troops, nor [not? and?] your [s]estste[/s] estate, will not be harmed. Hesitate or fight, and everything you love and hold dear will be destroyed."

I was a bit confused here. Is this the same general in that army with the princess, or is this a completely different general/army?

As long as you keep your side of the [s]bargin[/s] bargain, we'll keep ours."

You have no idea how deceptive I can be, general.

Use italics for her thought here, and maybe capitalize general? Seeing as that's his title.

"You know, it would be such a shame to waste such wonderful hospitality, not to mention all the free slaves and wenches just ripe for the plucking. What do you say, [s]Gents[/s] gents? Shall we?"

A cheer arose from the enemy troops, an aweful, final cheer.

It's awful, by the way. I don't think it belongs here, though. Awful and final don't seem to go hand-in-hand in this instance. That's just me, though.

The only way to win this battle was with the [s]elemant ot[/s] element of surprise. But, [no comma] they had the advantage.

Adrianna felt as if she had been put on display.

I don't much like this metaphor. Adrianna felt like a book he was studying or something that would be more of a comparison. Metaphors compare one thing to something else completely different, yet share that similar...detail, I guess is the word.

Instinctively, she reached for her lightsaber, hungering to take off the smug general's [s]haed[/s] head.

Lightsaber? Oh, no you didn'! Lol, Star Wars terms -- not good, I'm afraid. And think about your time period as well. At first, I thought it was something from, like, the 1800s type of period. The lightsaber makes it a futuristic period, though.

Glaring through narrow slits, she slowly took out her lazer.

Now I'm curious as to what weapon she's using. Originally I was thinking swords or way outdated guns, lol.

Or are you such a pig that you think all women have been made to serve your purpose!" she [s]screemed[/s] screamed.

"[s]Fiesty[/s] Feisty. Just the way I like 'em. Boys, grab her!"

At that moment, every soldier working for the princess [s]sprang for[/s] unsheathed their swords.

Ah, so that's where I got the idea of swords. Swords and lightsabers are not the same.

"What do you think your doing? Don't you know your outnumbered?" [s]screached[/s] screeched the general.

Screeching seems kind of sudden. Unless he's that type of character (which I didn't get the impression), he would probably just snap or say fiercely.

A slow smile spread across Adrianna's face. Everyone knew that she was the best fighter in all the worlds. it was rumored that she [s]ahd[/s] had taken out two full armies at once single-handedly.

This seemed real cliche for me. The royal princess is a much better fighter than any soldier in her own army. That's almost illogical. Think about your politics in this matter. Would her father, the king most likely, let her train with swords? Wouldn't she be trained to wear pretty dresses and learn proper manners and shtuff?

"Not anymore, 'general.'

I think italics would work better here, if you haven't done so in the original draft.

So, guess what, general, [colon instead? or just a period] we win. Tough luck, aye? Too bad.

Again, watch your time period. Does it seem likely that the people of that time period would say aye?

But, [no comma] she was fair and just, and she would never ask her followers to do something that she herself was not willing to do.

Now this is a marvelous ending. Do not even touch it. I got goosebumps. Bravo!

I stated the main issues above. I thought the story itself was so very good. ^_^ Watch the setting though (What time period is this?) and adjust accordingly. Also, there's a number of typos. If you have Notepad, then best reread before posting. MS Word though should catch them and it should be easy to spot the mistakes.

I did really like this, though. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I liked this..it's a great idea. But I felt that there should have been something before this, and definatly more after it. It was just I felt like I was ready one part of the story, not the beggingin but not the middle either. Like I had come into a movie a little late and missed the exposition and landed in the story. Also yeah there were typos but we all have typos..so w/e that can be fixed.. I'm not going to point them out because others have already. Anyways great idea love it..keep going. Oh and go post in FMFSC lol..we need to hear whats goin on in Beth's life..lol

One thing I want to say is that the title I think needs to be changed from "A War Worth Fighting For" to "A War Worth Fighting", simply because to add the word "for" makes it sound as if you're fighting for the war, if you understand what I'm saying. Unless, you're fighting for the war, which doesn't make sense to me but might to you.

Otherwise, okay plotline that I might be able to get interested in if you kept writing. You sort of left things hanging, but I think you'll continue. Everybody else got most of the typos and mistakes. Good luck!

Definately got me interested from the first paragraph. Though, it felt like I had just walked in during the middle of a book, if you know what I mean. A bit more information about how they ended up in a war would be helpful, and what happens after too. Like other people mentioned there were some spelling errors and grammar but I thought the story was great. Hope you write some more.

*~*Foreseer*~*

ok I need to Know, Is she a jedi knight or a padawan or a master even considering the lightsaber thing. If she isnt then you may have a problem with George Lucas. as far as grammer goes I found a few little mistakes but none that wernt already mentioned by BBB or Jabber so I let them slide
See ya

There isn't really much more I can say about this that hasn't already been said. However, there is one problem I have here: the title.

Anyone who actually thinks about the way you've worded it would feel the same. People don't fight for wars. They fight wars, but they fight for causes. So I would suggest either changing the title to "A War Worth Fighting" or something like that, because the way you have it now it just doesn't sound like it represents the story you're trying to tell.

The story itself was fine though, and you should definitely keep going with it.

Keep it up.

It was pretty well written, and I found it very interesting. The only problem was that there were letters missing or added to words at least 4 times. It might be that you're typing too fast, or you're just not reviewing your work well enough.

I liked this, and I think everyone just ran through what I wanted to say. And I do love the title. :]

--Serena.

I liked this, but I do have some reservations about it. As I think someone else has already mentioned, it did feel as if I was just reading the middle of the story, without the beginning or the end. There were a lot of hints of a greater backstory that simply weren't expanded on, e.g. best fighter in all the worlds (plural worlds- is that a typo or deliberate?), the presence of lightsabers and lasers among swords, etc. Apart from that though, very nice job, I thoroughly enjoyed it.