z

Young Writers Society


Hadchak-plz read and crit



User avatar
493 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 493
Wed Mar 09, 2005 1:52 am
Misty says...



Jesse Hadchak’s ebony hair blew violently in the wind, his eyes flashing in terror. His backpedaled and stumbled onto the muddy ground, hard. Piercing rain struck his face like a thousand sharp needles, as he shoved himself onto his feet and clumsily drew his sword, wrist shaking.
His sister, Shoshana, quickly flipped her waist-length chestnut hair out of her face and strung her bow. They moved closer to each other slowly, until they were back to back on the mountaintop, breathing heavily, waiting.
Their chests rose and fell rapidly, and both of their legs ached from running so far in heavy pursuit. Now, they could run no longer.
In the distance Jesse saw the city lights, some on buildings so high they looked like stars. “Gotta...get...away,” he said between breaths.
Shoshana agreed, and nodded slowly.
The rain was numbing cold, and came down hard. It bruised her skin when it landed in the same place twice. Shoshana’s entire body was aching from the pressure and the chill, when she saw two figures coming up the mountainside.
“We should have kept running, Jesse,” Shoshana said softly, pulling back her bowstring and waiting for a clearer view of her oppressor’s chest. Inwardly, she prayed that he wasn’t wearing full body armor, or she would have to aim for his face.
Jesse realized he was holding his breath, and let it out in a loud whoosh. “I know,” he agreed, holding his metal sword it both hands. He raised it above his shoulder, and waited, the full moon encasing his face in a ghostly bluish light.
Their pursuers were from the King’s Asylum in downtown New York. They held long swords between clutched palms, raised high above their heads as though to slice the two in half. It was an intimidating sight.
“Ah,” one spoke. “So there they are. The murdering brats from the Asylum.”
Jesse should his head. Oh, how the truth had been twisted. The other man, dressed in the black clothes of an assassin, smiled through silver capped teeth. “At least now we can finish them off,” he said gleefully.
He, the police officer, should have been the one locked up! Shoshana smirked at the irony. The police officer was obviously not all there, judging from his rolling eyes and insane grin. The crazy one was tall and wiry, much like his comrade, but had a trimmed red beard. He came closer to Shoshana, a wry smile on his face.
The other man, with wavy brown hair and angry brown eyes, approached Jesse.
“Here we go,” Jesse breathed to Shoshana. She didn’t even have time to reply. In just a moment she had fired her bow. The arrow spiraled towards the man’s face, and...
He chopped it in half with his sword. Shoshana gasped, and quickly strung another arrow. She fired it carefully, but this time the wind and hard rain blew it off course and it hit the man in his armored shoulder. He laughed, advancing on her. Shoshana stepped backwards, reaching for her dagger, when suddenly she tripped over a proscuring rock and stumbled. She found herself dizzily rolling down the hill, head over heals, her body aching from head to toe. When she got to the bottom of the hill she was drenched in slippery mud and rain, and the man advanced, still.
While she fought him, the crazy man crossed swords with Jesse. Back and forth they parried and struck, blocked and defended, moving strategically to set the other off balance.
The attacker smiled at Jesse, and muttered angrily, “If you’d been born in the age of guns and bombs like I was, you’d know how primitive this is! Fighting with swords when we could be nuking other countries entirely!”
Jesse gritted his teeth, oblivious of the sand that crunched in his mouth, and said, while fighting, “I heard that’s what the weapon ban is all about! Keeping us from doing it...uh!” He gasped and stepped back. His guard had been let down, and the man had sliced his arm, painfully deep. Jesse switched to his right arm, and said, “for a third time!” He quickly crossed swords with the man, his over the other man’s and looped his sword around. The move sent the sentry’s sword spiraling to the ground, and in the man’s moment of weakness, Jesse raised his sword, and lopped off the man’s head.
The body fell atop itself, as the man’s head hit the ground with a sickening thud.
Jesse immediately fell to his knees, groaning and clutching his left arm in pain. He threw his head back, and let out an agonizing scream, as tears began to stream down his cheeks.
Then Jesse became mindful of Shoshana. She had probably already gotten herself killed. But his worries became irrelevant a moment later, when Shoshana jogged back up the hill, worried. Her dagger had been bloodied. She sank down next to Jesse, and took his arm between her palms. She frowned, knitted her eyebrows, and tore off a piece of her shirt, wrapping it wordlessly.
Jesse groaned in pain, and gritted his teeth. When she was finished, they stood up, and stared at the sentry’s body for just a moment.
“Self preservation mode kicks in quick, doesn’t it?” Jesse muttered rhetorically, his expression pained.
Shoshana nodded. “Yeah. I guess it does.”
He picked up his sword, and she wiped her dagger in the grass. Then they stumbled down the mountainside together. They had to get away.
Then Jesse felt his pocket, and looked shocked for a moment. “Where is it?” he mumbled to himself, “Blast it all where did I put the thing?”
“Jesse, you didn’t lose the necklace, did you?” Shoshana asked worriedly. But then Jesse pulled the necklace from his pocket, and smiled.
“Here it is,” He replied. It was a Star of David, on a golden chain.
Shoshana sighed in relief. “Good. We need that necklace to get in!” Jesse nodded, and clasped it around his neck.
“That’s not safe, Jesse,” Shoshana said matter-of-factly. “And you know it.”
Jesse shook his head. “I’ll take my chances. If we lose this, we’re really going to be in trouble.”
  





User avatar
137 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 137
Sat Mar 12, 2005 2:27 am
DarkerSarah says...



Overall, I like this. I do have a few suggestions for you, though.

Firstly, I think you tried to cram too many physical descriptions into this short work. "Ebony hair" "waist length-chesnut brown hair, etc." seem a little overdone.
He, the police officer, should have been the one locked up! Shoshana smirked at the irony. The police officer was obviously not all there, judging from his rolling eyes and insane grin. The crazy one was tall and wiry, much like his comrade, but had a trimmed red beard. He came closer to Shoshana, a wry smile on his face.
The other man, with wavy brown hair and angry brown eyes, approached Jesse.
I think that the focus should mainly be on the men's actions, their feelings, whether than the color of their hair.

“Ah,” one spoke. “So there they are. The murdering brats from the Asylum.”


This makes me want to read more.

It bruised her skin when it landed in the same place twice.


"It bruised her skin" would be more effective, in my opinion. It gets more to the point. "When it landed in the same place twice" seems a little wordy.

It was a Star of David, on a golden chain.


You don't need a comma there. "It was a Star of David on a golden chain."

The dialogue is fairly good. I think it could use a little revising to make it flow better, more like a real conversation. I don't have any specific suggestions, though, because I'm not very good at it myself.

Good luck finishing this. I hope to read more of it soon.

-Sarah
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"
  





User avatar
263 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 263
Wed Mar 16, 2005 8:24 pm
Lollipop says...



You're an excellent writer. I really enjoyed this! :P
  





User avatar
576 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 6371
Reviews: 576
Wed Mar 16, 2005 11:44 pm
Ego says...



I like the story so far, especially how you started it. Heroe's being pursued is always a great way to begin a novel--as is a fight scene.

Great start, do you have more written?
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





User avatar
148 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 148
Fri Mar 18, 2005 3:20 am
ohhewwo says...



I liked it. Is it a sort of Shanarra-like tale, where it used to be like the present, but then it turns fantasic?
  





User avatar
9 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 9
Fri Apr 22, 2005 9:45 pm
J_hippy says...



This was good, very descriptive. Could it be the start of a story?
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Wed Apr 13, 2011 2:41 pm
Horrorwriter says...



Yo! nice.
  








I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina