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Young Writers Society


Prose: "Chronicles of the Dhampir: Emergence"



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Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:17 am
Ego says...



Okay guys, here I need some help; character development is not my strong suite, so I need you to point out ANYTHING you feel is too over the top, strange, irrelevant, or random about these three characters while you're reading this portion, especially Hunter, as he is the main protagonist.

thanks,
--Hunter



For someone so smart, Aiden could be so stupid sometimes.

“I was being sarcastic, dude,” I said.

“Well, it is not a topic to joke about,” he scolded. I rolled my eyes in response. Robert and his family were all very devout followers of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, commonly known as Mormons. I, being an Atheist, was always at odds with him.

“Hunter--he’s right.” I turned slowly toward Mike.

“You can’t be serious?” I said.

“I can hear it right now, even as I say these words.”

“Me too,” Aiden said. His face paled.

“What’s it saying then?” I demanded. Mike and Aiden looked to each other cautiously then, Aiden spoke up.

“It wants me to go inside,” he said, referring to the mansion. He looked back to Mike for confirmation. He nodded.

“Yeah.”

“You two are nuts,” I said, giving them a look of incredulity. Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, I realized they were not as crazy as I thought. Fragments of the dream flashed through my memory.

--Blood covers the walls--

I knew you would come

--Bodies all around--

They always come

--Blood--

Nothing but a fool

--So much blood--


“Hunter?” Aiden asked. I blinked and shook the memory
away.

“What?” I asked.

“What’s going on?” he asked, running a hand through his short, curly blonde hair. I’d known him for more than eight years; we’d gone to preschool together, and had stuck around all through elementary school. We were as close as friends could be, and about as different.

He stood about five feet three inches, and weighed about a hundred and fourty pounds. He had cloudy blue-green eyes that always seemed to be daydreaming, and a round face.

He was easily the smartest and most artistic of the three of us. He was a genius of all things scholastic, and was a whiz with computers. His religion was a sharp as his mind, and he tended to be very closed minded. His parents had always objected to Mike and I as his friends because we weren’t Mormon, but he knew who his friends were and would let no one tell him otherwise.

Despite his obvious intelligence and faith, he lacked the sociability and athleticism to do anything else.

I ignored his question. “What time is it?” I asked.

Mike glanced at his watch, the soft blue glow of the dial illuminating the darkness around us.

“Twelve-thirty,” he grunted. He jammed his hands into his jean pockets and stared up at the sky. Mike was the unofficial leader of our little troupe, mainly because he was the biggest and most intimidating. He was incredibly talented at all sports, and just as bad in school as he was good on the court.

He kept his jet black hair cropped short on his head, and his dull brown eyes always seemed angry about something. With his massive six foot frame, he towered over Bob and me. He worked out every day for hours, keeping his body in top form for all his sports. His activities came at a price, though; his grades were terrible.

“What should we do?” Aiden asked Mike.

“Yeah, what do we do o’ fearless leader?” I echoed.

“I say we go inside. After all, what can it hurt?” he replied quickly.

“He has a point,” Aiden said. I was surprised; usually, he was the last one to take a risk. Now he seemed almost...eager.

“You two can’t be serious!” I exclaimed. I raked my fingers through my long, dirty blonde hair. In comparison to Aiden and Mike, I was always very plain. I was decent at sports, but Mike ran circles around me, be it on the field or on the court. I was by no means a pushover in school, but Aiden still made me seem like a fool in comparison. I was always the one no one noticed because I was overshadowed by the talents of Aiden and Mike. I was always “Mike’s friend,” or “that one guy that hangs out with that other genius guy.”

I averaged out everything Aiden and Mike were and were not. In one thing however, I excelled past anything Aiden or Mike could ever hope to. I’ve been told that upon entering a conversation, I bring with me a certain presence that draws everyone’s immediate attention. With their attention on me, I’ve looked right into their soul, looking seeing through their barriers and sensing their past. I know what they like, what they hate, who they love, who the loath. This ability comes, not from some supernatural awareness, but from logic. The way things are said, what words are used, how the body moves when the words are spoken, each and every part of a sentence can tell you something about a person. Just by a customary greeting, one can discover the deepest crevices of a person’s being.

This is not something I am proud of, for I feel it is a curse. I know much more than I ever would have wanted to, and cannot help that I know it. Ignorance is bliss, as they say; and I believe it would be. With my skill in the human mind comes a certain magnetism that lets me get along with anyone, anywhere, at any time, in any language. The power of the human mind is astounding, as is the complexity of it. Aiden and Mike are not as...talented as I.
Last edited by Ego on Fri May 06, 2005 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:41 am
DarkerSarah says...



This is such a good start. The main two things I don't like are the name 'Bob' and the fact that they all just woke up in front of this house -it's too easy. It's like it's all rushed. (But I'm one to talk about rushing things, eh?) I love, love, love the description of the house at the beginning. Can't wait to read more!

-Sarah
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"
  





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Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:48 am
Ego says...



I think I'll add in a third person perspective of Mike or Robert's entrance to the manor....cause yeah, it is quite a sudden start, at least for Hunter. Thanks for your reply, I'll get more up soon, as you should!

--Hunter
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Mon Jan 24, 2005 11:55 pm
MinnesotaGurl1 says...



hmmmm seems a LOT like "Rose Red" by Stephen King to me. :shock:
  





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Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:18 am
Ego says...



*goes off to read reviews on Rose Red*
I assure you, it's nothing like Rose red...
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Tue Jan 25, 2005 1:16 am
DarkerSarah says...



I rewrote the second part of my story, if you'd like to read it and comment on it. I put in a little more detail. I think it's better.

-Sarah
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"
  





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Tue Jan 25, 2005 6:33 am
Ego says...



I'll get right on that, thanks Sarah
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2005 2:55 am
DarkerSarah says...



Aaaah! You need to post more...are you working on it? Because if not, YOU SHOULD BE! No pressure. Haha...no, seriously, take your time, and I appreciate your nice review of my rewrite. I'm working on some more of it, but it kind of skips around and I'm afraid I'm going to get readers confused. Not to mention, it's like, you and one other person that have read this. See, you've got tons of reviews! (Comparatively, at least.) Maybe I need a catchy title like yours...Hmmm... *goes to think of catchy title*
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2005 8:25 pm
Green Monkey says...



Umm... Though I am slightly confused, your story has unique qualities...
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2005 5:49 pm
Ego says...



you can't just say something like that and not explain!!!


What are you confused about? I need to know...this is exactly what I need to work on! Anything that seems even remotely confusing I would love to fix.
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:03 pm
Misty says...



I know...it can be. And I'm still waiting for more of this story!
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:05 pm
Misty says...



I know how that is. Character development is hard. Sorry, I got pretty behind on this story. I like it so far, and it's pretty good. for some reason, I'l a little bit confused. And, uh, I think it would be best...just being me, I'd rather read a story about a brilliant athlete who's a looker and a lady's man. you know? oh, nm. :D
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2005 7:21 pm
Emma says...



I like it. Keep it up.
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2005 8:51 pm
Ego says...



Misty Lynn wrote:I know how that is. Character development is hard. Sorry, I got pretty behind on this story. I like it so far, and it's pretty good. for some reason, I'l a little bit confused. And, uh, I think it would be best...just being me, I'd rather read a story about a brilliant athlete who's a looker and a lady's man. you know? oh, nm. :D


Believe me, you'll get your wish eventually....:wink:

What, per say, is confusing you? If I am to fix the confusion, I must first know what is the confusion is!


Hopefully, when I post more after school, there wil be more confusion. You won't get the whole story unti ater on...unfortuaely. If you have any specific confusons I'll try to answer without giving away too much...
.
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Sat Jan 29, 2005 7:23 am
Ego says...



I'd prefer not to post any more until I know the confusion, becuase if it's not fixed now it will only deepen with further reading...unless you don't mind being confused of course.

I won't be offended in any way if you criticize it to pieces, so go ahead and point out ANYTHING you see.
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  








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