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The Unknown



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Points: 890
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Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:59 pm
sarah12375 says...



The Unknown
When I was a kid; from the age of 3-7, I believed in magic, psychics, and ghosts, though like everyone else, I grew out of it. Though deep in my heart I always believed that some of us must be more enhanced with their senses. Though I kept my mouth shut; praying that maybe one day I will be able to open it and freely discuss what society shamed.
As I grew up; I realized that the only reason why no one talks about it (besides kids) is they’re scarred to actually find out if there are people out there, with ‘super-powers.’
Over the years I would read small things about the subject, knowing in my heart that I was connected. Connected to the world of the unknown.

1
“Ugh” I rolled out of bed. Today is moving day. You would think that after 7 times of moving I would be used to it, you know; changing schools, making new friends. But I wasn’t, at all.
See my dad works for huge law firm that wants him to travel a lot. And since my mom left us when I was 6, I’ve had to move with him. We’ve lived every where from; Europe, Australia, to the United States, and now we’re moving to Canada.
“Riley! You up? We’re leaving in 25 minutes, hurry up!” My little brother Logan raced down the hall screaming. I grumbled and walked towards the bathroom for a morning shower.
Once I finished blow drying my hair; I pulled a maroon t-shirt on, a grey sweater, and my beloved converse. I grabbed my only 3 bags in my room and headed towards the van.
I sat in the back; while my brother sat shot-gun with my dad. I pulled my I-pod out and stuck the head phones in my ears. As we slipped away from are warm Florida home, I could only picture igloos and tons of snow where we’re heading. Well that’s what all my friends said anyway.
We drove along the coast; I’m going to miss the ocean. It was the only thing that made me feel free. I moved all the time but everywhere we lived; we were by the sea. It was the only thing that made me think, I could be free.
It’s not that I disliked my brother or my Dad, I love them both dearly. But the constantly moving, making new friends that forget about you, and no say in the matter, well it got very depressing at times. Though I knew I would go with them every time, because I don’t want to loose them, not after Mom.
I smiled as I heard Logan spilling a joke to my Dad; even though it wasn’t funny, my Dads face would light up and he’d laugh. I loved how much he did for us. He wasn’t home a lot, but when he was, he made sure to spend every waking moment with us. I wish my mom could see us, to be with us. I’m not mad at her for leaving, I just feel like; it was partially my fault that she left.
“Sweetie? Do you want to stop for super? We’re stopping at------“
“Sure, I’m starved.” He smiled and parked us in front of a subways; my favorite.
We walked in, and took a booth in the far corner. Dad went up and ordered for us. I got a ham and turkey sub, Logan got a chicken Teriyaki, while my dad got the steak sub. We ate silently for a while, before Logan started asking question after question, not even giving a chance to answer, let alone a chance for him to breathe.
“Logan. We’re moving to Montreal, now I know you kids will do fine, since you’ve already learned French. Now it’s going to be a lot colder up there, and no we’re not living in igloos and they don’t either.”
“But James said that they all-”
“No Logan they don’t.”
“Um Dad?” He turned around and smiled.
“Yah Ri?”
“When are we going to get their; I mean it’s already 8, and I bet their’s still a couple of hours ahead.”
“You’re right we’ll be getting there around 12 maybe 1. You guys can sleep in the car.”
We nodded are heads and went back to the van. I plopped back into the back seats while we started to head off. I grabbed my laptop and typed up. “St. Thomas High School, Pointe-Claire Quebec”
I clicked on the schools website, and found out they had a couple of sports teams I would love to try, and a student’s council. Huh, they have a lot more here than my other school. They do the schooling here weirdly though, there’s no middle school. Instead it’s: Elementary school, kindergarten- grade 6, than high school 7-11.
I closed the laptop and shut my eyes. I woke up about 2 and a half hour later around 10:40pm. I looked around rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“You’re up.” Dad called from the front. I shifted my gaze to see dad still driving, while Logan was cuddled into a ball fast asleep.
“I guess…. For now, anyways.” I grumbled still half dazed.
I grabbed my I-pod and let Muse, fill my ears. I put it on shuffle as the song started to end. About an hour later I saw a Habs Café, it looks like a coffee shop. I really needed to use the bathroom and would actually love a cup of coffee.
“Dad?” I asked sweetly. He looked tired, I felt bad. But it was either in there, or here, which we would all prefer if I went in the café.
“Yes, sweetie?”
“Uh, I kind of have to go to the bathroom really badly.”
He smiled and looked back to me. “Its fine I’ll just turn to go in ther-“
“Dad!” I screamed, but it was too late.
A truck didn’t see us coming because it didn’t have its lights on. It hit us full force. I slammed into my seat, as the van was pulled down the road by the truck. Bending, and curving into to ways, I never thought possible.
I didn’t have time to think as the set of seats in front of me, pushed me, and locked me into a weird position, and feeling metal from the outside a the van pierce my arm.
I let out a blood curdling scream, before I started seeing black spots as my vision faded and everything went black.

Beep….Beep…..Beep
Hugh? Oh I guess I slept the whole ride. Great the first day of school. I opened my eyes, to not see my new room; but white walls a monitor, and very uncomfortable looking chairs. What happened? Where am I?
A nurse came in; and everything came back.
Bathroom.
Truck.
Crash.
“Oh my god!” I jerked up tears already spilling over. I felt something around my neck and looked down. A brace was on my arm, supported by a cloth holding it around my neck.
The nurse came by and checked my monitors. “Everything looks good.” She commented with a sad smile.
“Where are they?” I asked urgent to see my father, and Logan.
“Are they ok? Are they hurt? Please don’t tell me they’re hurt, Logan has his first day of school today….” I asked crying. She gave me a small smile, her eyes all full of tears, ready to cry. She gave a slight nod and a doctor came in.
He was on the chubby side, with pale skin, and balding hair, and brown eyes full of emotions. He looked like he was very sweet.
“Riley?” He asked in a soft ton. I nodded, and he smiled.
“Your Dad is in critical condition, and your brother….He…He…..He didn’t make it.” I sat their frozen. Logan….10 year old boy, with the world ahead of him. Smart, funny Logan, my little brother. Dead. All because of me wanting to pee.
The doctor came over to the bed and sat beside me, rubbing my back. I fell into him and cried. I cried, pouring all my emotion on to him. I should stop, he doesn’t even know me. I probably look so messed up, crying on a random guys shoulder.
“I’m so-o-rr-y fo-r t-h-at.” I sniffled, and gave a weak smile. He looked pained.
“It’s ok Riley you need to let it out, and this is hard to take in-“
“No it’s ok.”
Beep.
“Oh sorry Riley, I just got beep. I’ll come and check on you in a hour ok?” I nodded as he ran out the door,
So I moved to Montreal, Canada. The first day I’m here and my brother dies….
“Riley?” It’s the doctor, but why so soon?
“Yah?” I asked taking a shaky breath; he said he would be here in an hour not in a minute, what happened?
“Your father, he died too.” I looked at him shocked; then passed out.
I realized it was 7:25pm; when I woke up, but what day?
I watched TV trying to keep my mind off everything, until the doctor came.

2
“You’re up!” He smiled before he ushered a nurse to get me dinner. I really liked this doctor.
“Yup” I said popping the p.
“You were gone for quiet awhile, it’s still the same day; don’t worry. But, are you ok, or at least better?”
I looked into his warm brown eyes, while I thought. My Dad and brother died. I’m only 15, and just moved here, with no family.
“Um…Will I have to get emancipated?” I asked shyly. He looked confused.
“Don’t you have any family here?” His voice sounded distraught.
I looked at my hands, while holding back my tears. “N-o-o, my Mom left us when we were 6 and have no way of contacting her, and we were just moving here last night. My Dad got a job out here,” I took a shaky breath while wiping my tears.
He put a hand on my shoulder, showing me I didn’t have to go on.
“Does your Dad have enough money, to stabilize you?” He asked serious. I smiled and nodded. “Tons” I said with a short laugh. Maybe all of Daddy’s working paid off.
“Do you have all your medical information?” I shook my head. “It was in the car.”
“Well they’ll probably give you a new one tomorrow, and you can stay here tonight. I’ll tell the city hall your case and get you emancipated.” He said looking determined, the small wrinkles at the corner of his eyes narrowing.

After the nurses brought me dinner; pasta, vegetables, and pudding, I headed for the bathrooms. I looked into a mirror to see my hair in a birds nest. My bronze hair; which is usually wavy was a knotted mess, my blue eyes were blood shot red and I had large circles under my eyes. I looked down at my gown, all baggy and too airy in the back.
With a sigh I left, and headed back to my room. As soon as I lay down, I fell into a dreamless sleep
I woke up to someone shaking my shoulders; I rolled over and opened my eyes. Their was the doctor, holding all my documentation and my emancipation. I smiled and hugged him.
“Thank you; so much.” I said crying, with a slight smile.
“Aw sweetie it was nothing, just be careful out there, it’s a hard life once you’re on your own. When ever you need me just ask for Dr. Burks, at the front desk. Just say it’s Riley.” I smiled.
“My Dad used to call me sweetie.” At that he smiled, gave me one more hug, and then left.
The nurse helped me into my old top, and let me put on my jeans before a cab got me and dropped me off at my new house; which like I thought it would be, huge.
It was on the lake St. Louis the guy said. Anyways it was gated off and had a huge side and front yard. There was a huge willow tree in the front, and was still enough room for a pool, pond, hot tub, and trampoline, and that was just about a quarter of the space.
I walked up the drive and opened it with a key, some guy found in the van. I creaked it open, and I stood there amazed. Nice dark hardwood floor with huge windows, 2 you could sit in. light rooms. When you open the door there’s this huge wooden stair case on the left side against the wall leading to the second floor. To the right; there’s this long rectangular living room. (Dad had the movers set everything up) With our blue 3 people sofa sitting across a huge fire place, and on top our plasma, rested.
In the far corner you could see our black grand piano, and across from it was an arch way leading to the dining room. The walls were red with the same flooring, our black 8 person tables was situated in the middle under a chandelier. On the left side there’s another wooden arch way leading to the kitchen.
The kitchen was also long and rectangular with the same wall and flooring as the living room. Though they hard darks red wood cabinets aligned down all the walls. We also now owned a high tech double door fridge, and a stove that looked like it came from those cooking shows. Plus all the stuff from the old house.
But my favorite part is at the end, attached to the wall is a pizza oven. I’ll have to try that soon.
I went back to the staircase and went up. It was a long rectangular hall way with 5 doors. I started with the right side that faced the front lawn. The first door I opened was set up like an office, though none of Dads paper work was here. I held in my tears and kept looking.
The next room was my brothers. I choked back a sob as I saw, his favorite colored blue walls, his red race car driver bed, and his mini TV with all his gaming systems. He also had his desk, with his computer situated on it, and his corn snake “Lenny.”
I smiled as I remembered the fight we had over the name. I hated it but Logan was so set on it, which I had to let him keep the name; I’m glad I did.
Next to his room, was a bathroom; with a shower, toilet, and sink stand. But what got me the most, was his toothbrush in the holder he always used.
I walked across the hall expecting to see my room; but it was my Dads. He must of thought since he’s not here that much, that I should have the master. I sat down on his bed and looked at the picture on her bed side table. It was a picture of the four of us at the park, when I was 6 and Logan was one.
My mom with her short red hair was holding Logan in her arms, while Dads arm was wrapped around her. He was wearing his usual, polo and jeans. They matched his darks brown curly hair, and blue eyes. I was sitting on his lap, smiling in a cute little pink dress, with my hair up as pig tails.
Dad never stopped loving her, I felt he always hopped she would come back. Though she never did.
I walked out of his room, and took a deep breath before going into mine. It hand the same dark wood flooring as the rest of the house, but the walls were light green. There was this huge sit in window that looked over the lake, it was beautiful. You could see mountains in the background and boats sailing the lake.
In the middle of the opposite side, was my queen bed, with my blue and pink flowered comforter. On the side table was a picture of Logan, Dad, and me at my middle school graduation. We looked so happy. On the far left wall, was my desk with my pink laptop, and my acoustic guitar on its stand next to my sound system.
I turned on the stereo and put in a cd, which was stacked in a special holder in my desk. As I listened to Evanescence, I cried myself to sleep. Though as of now…….no one can hear me……..and no one ever will.
Last edited by sarah12375 on Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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9 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 9
Fri Jul 31, 2009 1:02 am
autumngaspard says...



In the first paragraph, you have three though clauses in succession. In some cases this could just be a stylistic choice, but they alternate between the direction in they go in. In the first, you talk about the loss of the beliefs. In the second, you're talking about the retension of those beliefs. In the third, you're back to the other side.

Also, in the sentence containing the last though, you use a semicolon incorrectly. The sentence would read better as "Though I kept my mouth shut, I prayed that maybe one day I would be able to..." In fact, throughout the piece you use semicolons where either commas, colons, or no punctuation at all should be used. Read this for future reference:

http://www.essortment.com/all/semicolon_rcnr.htm

But the constantly moving,


This would work better with constant.

because I don’t want to loose them, not after Mom.


Lose.

One more thing, write out numbers, unless it's a time.

The story was rather engaging and I'm fond of your style. The plot escalated quickly and I didn't get bored.
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Gender: Female
Points: 890
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Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:28 am
sarah12375 says...



Well thank you for the reply!!!


I do realize the extra adding and I'm sorry but it'll be like that till about chapter 8, because I've already written 8 chapters......... I'll fix it when I go back, once I'm done!

Thanks for the critique!
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 14895
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Sat Aug 01, 2009 6:22 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



I like this story and I can't wait to see where it goes! Keep the action going!
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1317
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Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:13 pm
adri-rox_94 says...



pretty interesting. keep writing.
"if you always say what if, you can never know what can..."
  





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Thu Aug 06, 2009 1:56 am
jessie2009 says...



I really like this story!! I can't wait to read more! Aha. your a good writer. And i didn't notice any mistakes, but i stink at that! Hope you write moree.!

--Jessie.
--Jessie
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 2190
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Fri Sep 04, 2009 1:25 am
Pattycakes says...



Hey I like it so far! I think your writing style is pretty strong; there are weak points there of course, but still definitely a good foundation to build off of
General Comments:
Proof read

I’m empathetic, because this is usually my worst thing about writing too, but I think you need to do some rereads when you’re done writing. I don’t have the patience to line-by-line them all, but missing apostrophes where there should be possession, missing commas, misspelled words or words that should be capitalized, etc. etc. This stuff was littered pretty liberally throughout.
I’m no grammar scrooge, so when I’m visibly noticing this stuff it’s an alarm bell 

Pump up the volume
I think this car crash (the physical crash) is entirely too underdeveloped. I’ve never been in a crash that serious, but in the accidents I have been in, though they end quickly, it’s the sound of metal on metal, the force with which the car gets crushed, the violence with which passengers get thrown forward, this stuff all needs to be there in your writing to get this scene right in my opinion.

Product placement
I’m split on using names of products real heavily in fiction, on one hand it adds realism, but on the other hand it dates the piece. But, if you do choose to use product names from real life, you have to get them right. It’s IPod, not ‘I-pod’; and Subway, not ‘subways’. This is small stuff but it totally liquidates the realism out of the story which defeats the purpose of pointing these things out in your story.

Professional Prolouge
I thought the first paragraphs were kinda clumsy. I mean, they’re alright, but they also seem to be jammed in there instead of cleverly worked into the story. I’d encourage you to try and make those points at more natural places in the work.

A note on killing off characters
If you kill off characters, especially early, and especially more than one ‘major player’ you need other great characters to pick up the slack. The hospital staff doesn’t really do it for me, so for about half the chapter there’s kind of a void. And not a symbolic like, ‘her family just died void’ but like an, ‘awkward story repercussions void.

Playing those heart strings
I was surprised at how well you wrote some of these emotional scenes, especially about two characters I didn’t really know all that well. That was nice work. But I thought the part where she explores her house and is like ‘OMG Pizza oven!’ was weird for someone whose family was just lost. I’d expect her to be more numb and grim.

Outside of that, again, your prose seems to be pretty strong and clearly some supernatural stuff gets alluded to at the beginning that should come into play later. I hope to see Riley develop further as we move on. I’ll get working on reviewing other chapters. Feel free to PM me with questions!
-Pattycakes
  








I regret everything.
— Ron Swanson