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Retrieving the Lost [beginning]



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263 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4362
Reviews: 263
Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:24 am
Angels-Symphony says...



Hey guys ^^ This is my updated version of Retrieving the Lost. It's temporarily discontinued, but due to the fact that my folders are flooded with unfinished stories, I'm post it here on YWS so I can clean out my files. xD I just remembered this was my failed attempt at JulNo, so I apologize for it not being up to my usual standards.


Preface:

A swarm of children flooded the dimly lit streets. Only the sound of music filled the empty air; a single enchanting melody with magic as its soul. With their eyes wide open, and their minds lost in dreamland, they walked forward, following the spellbinding sound.
Waiting at the end of the pier was a polished, brown vessel adorned with brilliant, yellow Christmas lights like a carnival ride. The strings of light reflected on the water’s surface with a faint glow.
One by one, they filed down the pier and onto the ship, all traces of conscious stolen from their eyes. Up on the tallest mast was the source of the melody, a figure draped in shadow with fingers flitting across an instrument with unparalleled skill. The wings of the ship’s figurehead seemed to flutter as its wild tresses flew behind it; her eyes glinted a shade of rich gold. Something nearby crackled like thunder, and the ship was off.


------------

Just realized I only needed the preface to keep the idea.
Last edited by Angels-Symphony on Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 6
Wed Jul 01, 2009 8:04 pm
shylanott says...



umm. I don't know. This was weird. Not bad, not good. Just weird.
I had some trouble following the beginning. It seemed very dry and dull. This is just me, but I was hoping for a bit more action. More spunk. Something to get me excited for the story.

Then again, this was a very short passage.
  





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263 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4362
Reviews: 263
Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:01 pm
Angels-Symphony says...



shylanott wrote:Then again, this was a very short passage.


xD This is the beginning idea, it hasn't really progressed yet.
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.
  





User avatar
263 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4362
Reviews: 263
Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:04 pm
Angels-Symphony says...



updated and temporarily discontinued xD
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.
  





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84 Reviews



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Points: 1707
Reviews: 84
Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:27 pm
HostofHorus says...



I'm sorry to say but I do kind of agree with the above.... And I'm not to fond of the name forte... as said above however, this was rather short so it is kind of hard to review. Two things that I noticed that need fixing are.
Streaks of color flashed in Molly eyes as she remembered
Molly needs to be changed to Molly's and
Seems like so long since I’ve one my last award, doesn’t it, TK?
One needs to be changed to won.
  








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