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Lightning Friends



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7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Sun Jul 26, 2009 2:00 am
Maya says...



I remember the black skies, the way you trembled as the thunder roared overhead. I remember that look in your eyes when the lightning lit up your face. Fear, that's what it was.
I know you were afraid, because I was too, but I buried my feelings so I wouldn't scare you any more. I remember the way we huddled in that field, as far away from the trees as possible. I wanted to save you, to comfort you and tell you everything would be ok but I couldn't because I didn't believe the words myself.

I'm not sure how long we stayed on the ground, hidden amongst the tall corn crops but it seemed like forever. You were shaking so badly it was hard to hug you and keep you close. I knew that if you had the chance you would bolt and leave me so I used all my strength to hold you down. Every time you squealed my heart tore a little bit more and I had to keep reminding myself that it was for your own safety. If I let you go, I might never see you again.
A streak of lightning snaked down from the heavy clouds and your eyes were so wide I could see the whites. You licked my hands and whined, your legs still shaking and I ran my fingers through your long coat, trying to brush away the fear that had engulfed us both. My phone buzzed in my pocket: my father.
I ignored it and breathed a sigh of relief when the humming finally stopped. You looked at me with those eyes that had seen more than they should have and then rested your tired head on my knees. The lightning storm was almost over but the rains were just beginning.

It as was if the heavens just opened up and let all the tears I'd been holding back fall down to the dusty ground. I didn't have to be anyone in front of you. You knew the real me and I wasn't afraid to cry as the rain tumbled down around us. My hair was soon dripping wet and so was yours. The red earth clung to my wet clothes and skin but it didn't matter anymore. The thunder was nothing but a distant rumble now and so I twisted my hand in your long fur and lead you towards the edge of the fields. Every few metres, you looked up at me to make sure I was still there, still coping. I gave you what I hoped was a reassuring smile and thanked you over and over again for staying with me through the night.
My phone rang again. This time I didn't wait for it to ring off and I didn't hang up. I hurled the phone as far as I could, out into the corn crops. I didn't hear the thud as it landed and I was glad. I never wanted to speak to them again. Never. I had you and that was all that mattered.

The sky was a wash of pink, orange and lavender when I opened my eyes and it took me a little while to work out where I was. The memory of my father, his fists covered in my own blood made me remember and I shuddered involuntarily. That one movement of my body sent you into a panic and you leaped up, baring your teeth at nobody. I put my arm around your neck and pulled you down beside me. You tried to resist but then quietly curled yourself up into a ball and closed your eyes once more. I was ok, you were ok, things were going to be fine.

When I looked back over my shoulder at the farm house, I realised we had not been far away at all. Only the corn field separated us from that monster I had once called "dad" and the woman he had tried so hard to make me call "mom". If they had noticed you and I were missing, they could have found us easily. Too easily. I jumped to my feet immediately and started leading you away. Without your collar it was hard to guide you but after several minutes you followed along by yourself, faithful as always.
I knew we still had a little time before they figured out we were missing. I was usually thrown out of bed at six and judging by the position of the sun, it was only five thirty. You moved a little quicker than me and my legs ached from being curled up for so long but I managed to keep up. Barely.
The morning air was thick and wet after the storm last night and I was struggling to breathe by the time we came to the creek. It was dry with only a few dirty puddles here and there.

...continue later on, I am being temporarily kicked off the computer. Haha. Just let me know if you want more as I don't have time to write up the rest :)
Last edited by Maya on Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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108 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6919
Reviews: 108
Sun Jul 26, 2009 2:36 pm
Hawkie says...



Hi there. ^^ Maya, huh? That's a pretteh name. I'm Hawkie, and I'll be reviewing you today.

Overall I liked this, but I think it could use a little fixing up.

I. Nitpicking

I know you were afraid, because I was too but I buried my feelings so I wouldn't scare you any more. I remember the way we huddled in that field, as far away from the trees as possible.


Okay, so first of all. You have a _lot_ of missing commas and run-ons in this. The above is an example. Try reading it out loud. It sounds awkward, doesn't it? That's because you need a comma after "too." Otherwise, it falls awkwardly on the reader's eyes. Like I said, this happens several times throughout the text.

Also, I think a lot of your sentences were just too long. Go prune some parts off. ^^

Sweat, glistening on your golden fur.


Dogs can't sweat. :P

II. Plot

So, the girl's father is an abuser, is he? There's a lot of potential there for creativity and plot, but also a lot of potential for, dare I say it, EPIC FAIL. Abuse is a horrific thing and, in general, horrific things are hard to coin in writing. I'd read this article for guidance:

http://www.forresterlabs.com/limyaael/rant200469

Hope that helps. ^^ And good luck.

III. Character

Well, we haven't seen much character development yet, so I can't really say much here. :P

IIII. Overall

Keep working on this! I'm definitely interested to hear more. *hands cookie*

PM me when the next installment is out, okay?

Keep writing!

-Hawks-
  





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24 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 24
Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:34 pm
Sugarbowl says...



First of all, It's good to see you're being slightly brave with this and writing it in an unusual form. You don't often see a piece in which the reader is involved in the narrative, and the story is told as if it's being told to one of the characters. If you can pull it off; well done. Just make sure you can stick to it :)

I had a bit of trouble with your main character. Obviously, this is only a first chapter, so I don;t expect a whole lot of character development yet, but I expect to know from the off whether I'm reading about a boy or a girl. The previous review presumed a girl, yet I was imagining a boy throughout. That was the only trouble there really.

The development of the second character was, on the other hand, very good. I was surprised to learn, about a third of the way in, that it wasn;t human. The description to start with is pleasingly ambiguous, then you begin to get some more solid foundations in place until we have a good idea of the character.

I'm interested to see where this goes, so keep going and I'd be happy to have a look at the next part :)

Josh
  





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7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:19 am
Maya says...



Thanks so much for reviewing this.

You see...when I write, I like to sort of go with the flow and that's what happened here. In my head I am writing about a boy and his dog (who I have now found out can't actually sweat!) but I am yet to find a good place to introduce this. Originally, the second character was a little girl...the boy's sister, if you like. But then as I got further in I thought, what the hell, why not make it a boy running away from his dad and a dog he couldn't bear to leave behind.

I will try to improve it and will write more if you are interested. Thank you so much.
  





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Mon Jul 27, 2009 3:46 pm
Alec Laine says...



Maya wrote:It was as if the heavens just opened up and let all the tears I'd been holding back fall down
There was an "as" missing. (boy, that sounds wrong when pronounced XD)

When I looked back over my shoulder at the farm house, I realised we had not been far away at all. Only the corn field separated us from that monster I had once called "dad" and the woman he had tried so hard to make me call "mom". If they had realised you and I were missing, they could have found us easily.
A bit repetitive with the word "realised" twice so shortly after each other. I'm not sure about this, but I think it's spelled "realized", too.

You moved a little quicker than me and my legs ached from being curled up for so long but I managed to keep up. Just.
I would switch the word "just" to "barely". But that is just my personal opinion.

Just let me know if you want more as I don't have time to write up the rest :)

Yes, please. I would definitely want to read more. It seems like this could evolve into a great story!
Keep it up ^^
  





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Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:32 am
Maya says...



Thanks.

I am an Australian and we spell realised with an "s" but it can be spelled both ways.

I will try to write more and yes, I did repeat realised too close together. Will try to fix it up :)

Oh, and there is an "as" missing too. Thank you for pointing it out
  





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42 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 4305
Reviews: 42
Tue Jul 28, 2009 11:11 pm
Alec Laine says...



Maya wrote:Thanks.

I am an Australian and we spell realised with an "s" but it can be spelled both ways.

I will try to write more and yes, I did repeat realised too close together. Will try to fix it up :)

Oh, and there is an "as" missing too. Thank you for pointing it out


I wasn't aware it was spelled differently in Australian, but then again, I'm Swedish, so I might be unqualified to review posts either way. XD

Please pm me when you post more! It was a really inspiring read.
And let me know if you need anything else reviewed.
  








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