Young Writers Society

A dagger. Small and dull, but its size does not compare to the damage that can be done. Oh yes, this is the key to my past, present, and future. Its handle; dark maple trickled with ebony musk, is whittled with intricate carvings. On the blade is a curse on my future in a tongue that I don't understand.

As I'm thinking about it I am also studying the dagger in my torn up hands; fiddling with it as a child would a new toy but with a whole different level of respect. I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea who wrote it or who gave it to me. Whoever it was I don't know how they know who or what I am. I have never told anyone, trusted anyone or had anyone to trust. Not even myself.....







I have more i just don't want to write it right now
be harsh ;~)

p.s this is not the prologue it is just the first 2 paragraphs on the 1st chapter

Oh yes, this was the key to my past, peasant, and future.

Peasant, I'm very sure, is supposed to be "present".

dark maple trickled with ebony musk is whittled with intricate carvings.

You need a comma after "musk". I love your description here, though. It's beautiful.

Whoever it is I don't know how they know who r what I am.

I find this sentence a little confusing. Perhaps try rearranging it to be "Whoever they are, I don't know how they could know me, or what I am."
Better? Yes, no? I think it's a little better, because I found your previous sentence confusing.

Now altogether, I think this was a tad short for a prologue. If it's a prologue. Is this the beginning chapter or the prologue?
Also, you don't need to rewrite stuff you already have written just to get it up here. You can copy/ paste, which is so much easier. The coding we have though, is hard to understand, but I'll explain it later. Like bolding stuff, or making it italic.

So great job. I think it's a wonderful book hook, if you ask me. I'd love to know everything, to know what's next, so keep writing!!

~April

hi again...i promise what i promise yesterday

okay...firstly, on the first paragraph, you got the mood of the story, thats good...you've describe some details such as

A dagger. Small and dull, but its size does not compare to the damage that can be done.

but in the second paragraph, you have introduce th character but not enough. Is this the main character of the second paragraph or a supporting character.

if it is the MC, then you must describe a bit of themselves like what is the gender and what are they and what is happening in the story

you could say that the MC is being threatened by the dagger or he/she is holding the dagger and is about to threaten someone...

another thing is that, if a prologue contain some characters, it could be a bit more longer than this...unless the prologue is a quote by someone or a simple description of the object...

Personally, I think this is short and sweet.

Ahhh, but you said to be harsh so . . .

I have a few things to point out. I'm going to take a random shot at this - I assume that the OC has had the dagger for a while, so when you write -

On the blade is a curse on my future in a tongue I don't understand.

I would like to see,

On the blade is a curse on my future in a tongue I didn't understand and still don't.

Or not, but if I'm right, something like that would tell the reader that they have passed a stage in life where the dagger has drastically changed it and that it is still a mysterious item even though the OC has had it long enough for it to be life-changing.

As I'm thinking about it I am also studying the dagger in my torn up hands; fiddling with it as a child would a knew toy but with a whole different level of respect.

I'm not sure about this, but the start of this sentence just doesn't sound right. Try rephrasing it, like,

As these thoughts cloud my mind I find mysell studying the dagger subconsciously; fiddling with it in my torn up hands as a child would to a new toy, except with a level of respect no kid would ever understand.

Hmmm, and yes I am a little bit picky about how I would word my sentences.

I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea who wrote it or who gave it to me.

Come to the conclusion? I think, perhaps, you mean:

As no solution has come forth about the previous owner of it, I can only summarise that I will never know who wrote the alien script or who even gave it to me.

And the last part to top it all off. It has too many elipses at the end, three should be the maximum you should ever aim for.

Whoever it is I don't know how they know who or what I am. I have never told anyone, trusted anyone or had anyone to trust. Not even myself.....

I would have written as thus:

Whoever that person had been, I still have no idea how they know who I am. Or what I am. I haven't ever told a single soul, I'v never had anyone to trust - let alone trusted anyone. Not even myself . . .

Overall, I would buy this book. If it ever became published, I find myself asking more nad more questions about your OC and I wanted them to be answered. I love the way you desribe things and unlike a few writers you haven't fallen into the trap of telling us what we see, you show us in a very beautiful and wonderful extensive vocabulary.

I enjoyed every second of this and I would like to read more. I hope this helps you, and if it seems annoying or mean I apologise, besides - you said be harsh. ^^

Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.

Hey There Art

Here is my promised review. If I'd known your piece was this short, I might even have been able to get it up by Friday. Hopefully though, my review will have been worth the wait. I'm going to start taking each line and not necessarily pointing out mistakes, but I will try to point out certain pieces that I feel could have given more potent an effect if written differently. After that, I'll try to add a couple of more general writing tips. But before any of that, you asked me about the piece as a hook. I think you've managed to grab our attention well here. A confident thought from your narrator and more importantly something that makes us curious. I do think that it serves you well as an opener. Now let's take a look at some of the piece itself:

we'renotpeoplewe'reart wrote:A dagger.

Simple but effective. I really like this as a start.

Small and dull, but its size does not compare to the damage that can be done.

There are a couple of problems with this sentence. First and foremost, when you tell us that it doesn't compare to the damage that can be done, you qualify nothing. Perhaps the dagger does not compare to the damage that can be done by a tsunami or volcanic eruption. Tell us that the size does not compare to the damage that can be done by the dagger itself.

The second issue that I have here is that you refer to it as being dull and then revert to talking about its size. Perhaps rather talk about the daggers stature rather than its size.

Finally, you've written this in the passive voice. If you want to achieve maximum effect with describing the deadliness of the dagger write this actively, ie. "Though the dagger is small and dull, its stature does cannot compare with its ability to harm.

Oh yes, this was the key to my past, present, and future.

I like the tone of endearment with which you subtly refer to the dagger. You might notice though that you've changed tense for no apparent reason. Stick to the present tense and this will read far more smoothly.

Its handle; dark maple trickled with ebony musk, is whittled with intricate carvings.

Marvelous. I'm not sure if it is just my understanding of the term, though, but I do believe that the term whittled implies more of formation of actual shapes when engraving rather than a decoration on the handle. I could be wrong but I think that engraved might fit better here. This bit is a little vague, as I'm not sure whether I'm correct on this point.

On the blade is a curse on my future in a tongue I don't understand.

At this stage we wander how you know that the message is a curse on your future if you can't understand the language. I think that you could get away with telling us that it was a curse were this written in the passed tense as you could have found that out post facto, but it appears a little strange in the present tense. Also, you've defined the curse as something which is written or engraved on the sword. Tell us that it is written. Be very specific.

As I'm thinking about it I am also studying the dagger in my torn up hands; fiddling with it as a child would a knew toy but with a whole different level of respect.

Firstly, a 'new' toy. not a 'knew' toy. Secondly the semicolon should be a comma. Thirdly define your different level of respect. Fourthly we'd assume that you're thinking about the dagger when you study it. Don't be superfluous and unnecessarily repetitive.

I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea who wrote it or who gave it to me.

Don't tell us that you've come to a conclusion. Obviously it's a conclusion if you merely tell us the facts.

Whoever it is I don't know how they know who or what I am.

For the first time in a review, I'm going to have to tell you to switch tense. They are not giving you the dagger as you narrate the story to us. Since they gave you the dagger in the past, switch the "is" to 'was'.

I have never told anyone, trusted anyone or had anyone to trust. Not even myself.....

This seems a little random. If you feel the need to include it, I'd make it a separate paragraph. Also, an ellipsis is made up of only three periods.

Let's look at some more general aspects of your writing. I've only got a little to work with, but here goes:

Description: There are certain things that you describe very well. I do think that you need to go into a little more detail where it is due, though. You're studying the dagger. Tell us what the engravings were. Tell us how the lines moved. Were they curved or jagged? Neat or messy? Elegant or simple? Give us a little more about the blade. Was it thick or thin? Was the metal rusted or dulled? Was there blood on it? There's so much we don't know. You need to tell us this.

On Vagueness: As I see it, you need to try and ensure that each sentence is clear and concise. If there is any chance that our understanding might be left in the limbo, consider rephrasing the sentence to pin it down and stop the even brief confusion of the reader.

On Tense: First thing you need to do here is decide what tense you're actually going to write the story in. You seem to have written it mostly in the present tense. This means that when you're describing something that you is happening currently, you use the present tense. When something has already happened, revert to past. You need to keep this balance throughout the story as it makes it far easier on a reader's eye.

Overall: You have a great start here, and if you were to ask me whether I'd continue, the answer is "For sure". Keep up the excellent standard, and try take a look at some of the points I've pointed out.

Have a great one!

we'renotpeoplewe'reart wrote:A dagger. Small and dull, but its size does not compare to the damage that can be done. Oh yes, this was the key to my past, present, and future. Its handle; dark maple trickled with ebony musk, is whittled with intricate carvings. On the blade is a curse on my future in a tongue I don't understand.

As I'm thinking about it I am also studying the dagger in my torn up hands; fiddling with it as a child would a knew toy but with a whole different level of respect. I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea who wrote it or who gave it to me. Whoever it is I don't know how they know who or what I am. I have never told anyone, trusted anyone or had anyone to trust. Not even myself.....







I have more i just don't want to write it right now
be harsh ;~)

p.s this is not the prologue it is just the first 2 paragraphs on the 1st chapter

Hae this a great start it really pulls the reader in!!!

As I'm thinking about it I am also studying the dagger in my torn up hands; fiddling with it as a child would a knew toy but with a whole different level of respect.

knew should be new. That's all I really noticed, but I'm sure there's more. *scrolls up again to look*
Aha!

On the blade is a curse on my future in a tongue I don't understand.

I think it would be better as; On the blade is a curse on my future in a tongue that I don't understand.

I like this, it's interesting. Post more!