Young Writers Society

Bam! The bullet shot and killed my parents on April 12, 1899 leaving me running for my life to the open prairie. I should have seen that my neighbor Zarane would betray us, and I should known he would blame the murder on the slave. Because I didn’t know, I had to hide from him in order to stay alive.

I ran to the edge of town and after a couple of miles stopped to camp, certain that Zarane wouldn’t look far away from town. I flattened some grass so it would be comfortable to lay on, and then I had to set up a place where I could make a fire that night.

My name is Aaron, and I am 5′5 wearing a white shirt and brown shorts. I have dirty blond hair and sky blue eyes. I am just an average 14 year old kid, but the murder of my parents changed my life forever.
A crack went up and the flames started dancing. Crickets chirped their moonlight song, filling the night with noise. I watched the bright stars hang in the sky, and the moon shine her light on the world. I was all alone, an orphan, sleeping in the yellow grass. With no one around, only the prairie and me, random thoughts whirled around, confusing and annoying.

I heard stomping in the distance. I sprang up, and felt for my small knife, which was around my waist. More stomping and then there was hard breathing. I heard a neigh, and relaxed a little. It was a stallion.
When it came into the light, I had a carrot from my pocket in my outstretched hand.The stallion sniffed it, and took it with his big teeth. I talked to him for a long time telling him the events of the last few days, and asking and wondering where the stallion had come from. I let him have another carrot and in payment he let me pet him. The stallion laid down by the fire, watching it and wanting to get warm. I laid beside him and put my head on his back, and when the grief of losing my parents took over, I cried the rest of the night away.

Zarane knew we had a lot of money in the house. He had been looking at our stuff with unusual hunger. Zarane only had a rundown shack and a poor living space. No wonder he would kill to some get nice things. That is what made my neighbor crazy. He had slithered over to our house at 11:00 at night, climbed through a near by window, went into my parents room, and shot them. I had escaped right in time. I had not had a chance to cry until I had made a horse friend.

I called the stallion Destiny. We walked toward the town in the morning, sure that Zarane had given up and had moved on to the farms on the other side of the town. Destiny lurched toward the creek which was a mile away, so we headed toward that direction. Half way there I heard a shot gun go off. Destiny and I ran to the edge of the water and tried to jump across, but it was too late. Zarane forced me down, I got a glimpse of his mad stricken eyes. Destiny sprang up, surprising Zarane, and the 29 year old man fell into the freezing water, hitting his head hard on the rocks.
He was not moving. His whole body was in the water, and I assumed he had drowned. Destiny surprisingly ended everything by stepping on him.

” I am in so much trouble” I muttered, and Destiny neighed in response.
When Destiny and I got to the police station to turn ourselves in, the sheriff disagreed that I had murdered Zarane.

“It was in self defense. Plus, we would have hanged him anyways once we learned more about his deeds.” He said when I told him everything, including the part how he had murdered my parents.

“Thank you sir”

Seeing that Destiny could not live a happy town life, we were sent to my grandparents farm, where we were warmly welcomed. We have lived there ever since.

Hello I am Bondgirl, and I will be your reviewer today. Now I will warn you in advance, I will be quite harsh. I'm only trying to help so please, don't take it personally. So with that I will begin!

Sapphirejay wrote:Bam! The bullet shot and killed my parents on April 12, 1899 leaving me running for my life to the open prairie. I should have seen that my neighbor Zarane would betray us, and I should known he would blame the murder on the slave. Because I didn’t know, I had to hide from him in order to stay alive.

The opening, and second line are SO cheesy! I don't know what to put here, but anything would be better then what you have. I didn't understand the third line, is he the slave? Is that why he's running? Explain!

My name is Aaron, and I am 5′5 wearing a white shirt and brown shorts. I have dirty blond hair and sky blue eyes.

I really liked this part, it sounds like a wanted poster which I think is cool.

A crack went up and the flames started dancing. Crickets chirped their moonlight song, filling the night with noise. I watched the bright stars hang in the sky, and the moon shine her light on the world. I was all alone, an orphan, sleeping in the yellow grass. With no one around, only the prairie and me, random thoughts whirled around, confusing and annoying.

A crack? What do you mean by a crack? As in like the sound when you hit two rocks together to make a fire? The part about his thoughts being annoying should be elaborated on. What are some of his thoughts? Why are they annoying?

I heard stomping in the distance. I sprang up, and felt for my small knife, which was around my waist.

"I heard stomping in the distance. Jumping up, I felt for the small knife at my hip"

More stomping and then there was hard breathing. I heard a neigh, and relaxed a little. It was a stallion.

Why does he relax? How does he know that there isn't someone on the horse?

When it came into the light, I had a carrot from my pocket in my outstretched hand.

Wow, that's very convenient, that he just happens to have a bunch of carrots in his pocket! What a coincidence!

I talked to him for a long time telling him the events of the last few days, and asking and wondering where the stallion had come from. I let him have another carrot and in payment he let me pet him.

Why is he talking to the horse?

The stallion laid down by the fire, watching it and wanting to get warm. I laid beside him and put my head on his back, and when the grief of losing my parents took over, I cried the rest of the night away.

Most horses sleep standing up, and they are not like dogs, where you can cuddle up with.

Zarane knew we had a lot of money in the house. He had been looking at our stuff with unusual hunger. Zarane only had a rundown shack and a poor living space. No wonder he would kill to some get nice things. That is what made my neighbor crazy. He had slithered over to our house at 11:00 at night, climbed through a near by window, went into my parents room, and shot them. I had escaped right in time. I had not had a chance to cry until I had made a horse friend.

This whole part here is very fake, and just odd. He escaped just in time with only his knife and a few carrots, right? It is very unbelievable.

I called the stallion Destiny. We walked toward the town in the morning, sure that Zarane had given up and had moved on to the farms on the other side of the town.

Really? He thought that after only one night?

Destiny lurched toward the creek which was a mile away, so we headed toward that direction.

What is the horse drunk?

Half way there I heard a shot gun go off.

Shotgun is one word.

Destiny and I ran to the edge of the water and tried to jump across, but it was too late. Zarane forced me down, I got a glimpse of his mad stricken eyes.

Mad stricken?

Destiny sprang up, surprising Zarane, and the 29 year old man fell into the freezing water, hitting his head hard on the rocks.

This is the weirdest place to put his age, it is unnecessary. If you were going to put his age, put it near the beginning.

He was not moving. His whole body was in the water, and I assumed he had drowned.

Yeah, or it could be that he just smashed his head on a bunch of rocks.

When Destiny and I got to the police station to turn ourselves in, the sheriff disagreed that I had murdered Zarane.

The wording in this part is weird. He disagreed that I had murdered someone? It sounds weird.

“It was in self defense. Plus, we would have hanged him anyways once we learned more about his deeds.” He said when I told him everything, including the part how he had murdered my parents.

Yeah you don't want to leave the 'he killed my parents' part out.

You have a good shell of a story, but the contents need a lot of work. More detail, and motive for your characters.
I'm sorry for being so mean, but I hope it helped a little. Keep writing, OK?

~Hope

Hi Sapphirejay! So there's not really much to point out as Bondgirl pointed out all of the nitpicks. I like your plot; it has potential but I think that you need to make the situation your character is in and the things he does a bit more believable. The bit that really stood out to me was the fact that he decided to turn himself in. Would he really do that? I don't know much about tyour character so I don't know whether he would or not, but if you want to keep that part in then justify it.

If I've totally confused you I'm sorry, send a PM my way and I'll answer your questions. Keep writing!

Afeefah

G'day, I'm McDanny, and this is the part where I dispense totally unfair criticism towards your work. I was quite impressed with the amount of action and story you managed to fit in such a small space, but there are a couple of points I want to call you out on.

Sapphirejay wrote:Bam! The bullet shot and killed my parents on April 12, 1899 leaving me running for my life to the open prairie. I should have seen that my neighbor Zarane would betray us, and I should known he would blame the murder on the slave. Because I didn’t know, I had to hide from him in order to stay alive.

I feel I must respectfully disagree with Bondgirl at this point. Yes, it's a little cheesy, but it thrusts you straight into the action, which is rarely a bad thing. Unlike Bondgirl, I understood perfectly what you meant about blaming it on the slave, although this could be elaborated on. Although I must say, the use of 'bullet' as a singular to kill both parents seems a little strange; either you should use the plural, or his parents were fragile enough for the one bullet to pass through both of them.

Sapphirejay wrote:When it came into the light, I had a carrot from my pocket in my outstretched hand.

I also find this incredibly convenient; maybe you could briefly mention how he stole some carrots from a field earlier, rather than just so happening to have some on him? Just a thought.

Sapphirejay wrote:Zarane forced me down, I got a glimpse of his mad stricken eyes.

'Mad, stricken' maybe? I like how suddenly he appeared though, although one might have thought he'd have seen Zarane coming; when reading this, I pictured the scenery as rather flat with few places to hide, but maybe that's just me.

Sapphirejay wrote:When Destiny and I got to the police station to turn ourselves in, the sheriff disagreed that I had murdered Zarane.

Yes, because let's trust the guy who killed Zarane as an unbiased source. Perhaps this shows some deeper prejudice against the man leading to people unconditionally believing the boy's story, but I still think this bit is a little unrealistic.

Sapphirejay wrote:Seeing that Destiny could not live a happy town life, we were sent to my grandparents farm, where we were warmly welcomed. We have lived there ever since.

And they all lived happily ever after. Awww. Perhaps it says something about my own bitterness, but this seemed a little like a cop-out ending to me. I'm not saying that the horse should get cancer and die- although it's always an option- but something a little less sickeningly happy would suited the story better, in my opinion. Perhaps Aaron could never get over the grief of losing his parents and so set off with Destiny one day, never to return? Not exactly an unhappy ending, but more in tune with the events of the story, I feel- but obviously it's your call.

All in all, yes, it's good, but it feels a little impersonal and summarised, as if it was being told by someone on the history channel a hundred years after it actually happened. Sorry if I have seemed harsh; reading through it, I can see that it sounds like I enjoyed this story much less than I actually did. Any questions, just PM me. =)

Gah, I hate making nitpicks like this but...

It sounds like this tale is set in the American west, at least that was the impression I got. But if it does, and it takes place in 1899, what's the family doing with a slave. I thought the US had abolished slavery before that.

I agree with blaster219. Remember the Civil War? 1899 was even after a time of growth throughout the prairie. Most of it was settled by free ranging cattle territory.
Also, I would like you to explain why Zarane killed his parents. A common problem with desolate western life in those times were unlawfull desputes against neighboring land. Did his parents own money to Zarane? In that time, if poor ranchers owned money, henchmen (sometimes hired by a trading company or land lords) would come to burn down the place.
Also, if Aaron lived anywhere near the Prairie in 1899, his parents would have at least one horse on the property. And where did this stallion come from? Sounds too cheesey, but you can fix that part up a notch. And why couldn't that horse life a "happy town life". It's a HORSE! It's a horse in the eighteen hundreds! That's the best place for a horse to live in the west.
Don't worry about what BondGirl007 said about how the horse chose his own way to the creek. It's an instict and a horse would know where to go more than the kid.

Oh, and by the way, horses can sleep laying down and if it's a good horse, you can cuddle with it.