Young Writers Society

This is just a little story I started yesterday. It's going to be a type of "fairytale with a twist". The majourity of the story will take place when Jade is 18 years old. Tell me what you think about it so far!

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Iraelle, there was a princess. Her name was Princess Jade Muzimee. She was exceedingly beautiful. From the moment she was born she was proclaimed the most angelic child in the land. She had long golden locks of stunning blonde hair. Her gorgeous cheekbones outlined her big, round, dazzling blue eyes. To top it all off, she had a bewitching smile. Her parents spoiled her rotten but by the time she was three, they noticed she was quite a tomboy.
"Jade, come play with your dollies!" Queen Muzime said to her beautiful daughter.
Jade shook her head.
"Please? I want you to play with me." Her mother replied solemnly.
"No. I want to play with other toys." Jade commanded.
"Alright then sweetie." The Queen spoke with a tiny hint of nervousness.
The Queen had always wanted a little princess to pamper... but her daughter was not girly. Not one bit. The King and Queen were very nervous that Jade would never get married off properly. Princesses were supposed to be girly and elegant. They could never get Jade away from the toy weapons she made. Jade was particularly fond of a sling shot she built herself out of sticks and rope. Jade refused to wear skirts. And when they made her wear them, she threw enormous temper tantrums. By the time she was 7 years old, both of Jade's parents were extremely worried. Jade would often run away into the woods and pretend she was a knight in shining armor preparing for battle. Her parents would try to stop her, but Jade always found a way to sneak out. Jade had one friend, Derek, and she would always play with him.

its sounds cute so far, i like it:D. Just some some constructive criticism, i hope that you eventually go into depth of the story to a scene where you elaborate and take us with you on. i assume that your justing getting us to that point, but i'm not sure.lol so, keep it up!

I'm liking the fairytale writing- there's something about that style that always makes me smile I think this is a good start- I hope you write more! Anyway, on with the review

From the moment she was born she was proclaimed the most angelic child in the land. She had long golden locks of stunning blonde hair.

I like the way you describe the princess in the first paragraph but here it sounds as if she had long golden hair as soon as she was born which would be a bit strange I think you need to rework it a little to make it clear that the hair came when she was older lol

Her gorgeous cheekbones outlined her big, round, dazzling blue eyes.

I'd get rid of either 'big' or 'round' as I think there are one too many descriptions in this sentence.

Her parents spoiled her rotten but by the time she was three, they noticed she was quite a tomboy

I think you could have said she was a tomboy differently as its a bit sudden in this sentence and I think the next part would work better without saying she is a tomboy beforehand - maybe 'they noticed she was not quite the little girl they had hoped for.' as it sounds a bit more mysterious

"Please? I want you to play with me." Her mother replied solemnly.

Solemnly to me doesn't sound quite right in the conversation- I'd think that her mother would be trying to persuade, wheedling and coaxing.

"No. I want to play with other toys." Jade commanded.

I wouldn't really say this was a command- its more of a statement. 'Jade stated firmly' might work better.

The King and Queen were very nervous that Jade would never get married off properly.

You've just mentioned about the Queen replying with a hint of nervousness so I'd replace the nervous here with something else- worried/concerned/uneasy/agitated could all work well. I'm not that keen on 'never get married off properly'- something like 'would never find a suitable prince' would keep more in with the fairytale style or writing.

Jade refused to wear skirts. And when they made her wear them, she threw enormous temper tantrums.

I'd change the full stop after skirts to a comma or a dash.

Jade had one friend, Derek, and she would always play with him.

If you're planning to use this as your beginning on its own, I'd use a more dramatic ending sentence for this part.

Overall: Like I said I love this style! I think you have got a nice fairytale story going- I'm interested as to what the twist will be and I really hope you don't go down the traditional fairytale route, as an original turn would be a lot more fun to read A few of the words you used I thought could be replaced with better ones but that's pretty easy to do.

You have described the main characters appearance well, I've pointed out before a few things I think could be changed, but overall I like what you have written What I would like to see in later parts of this story would be some description on her mother and father, how they look, what they are like and how they sound. It might also be effective to describe the land she grew up in. Even though we know the MC is a tomboy, there's not much else of her personality introduced so I'd write some on that in future.

Hope I've helped!

This beginning, quite honestly, is too cliche. We've seen the fairy tales, we've read this before. Even the idea of a rebellious princess has been done - several times. To make this original and worth while to read, I think you need to revamp it entirely. Begin it in a way that is utterly unique, and perhaps change the setting itself. Does she have to be a princess? Maybe she could be a chamber maid, or just a duke's daughter.

But if you do keep the royalty-theme, then it's got to be twisted around, as you yourself stated in the note before the story. I currently don't have any specific ideas on how you could do this, but you're a writer, and you've obviously got an imagination, so put it to good use

One more thing. Your punctuation. Dialogue should look like this: "I can't," she said. NOT like this: "I can't." She said.

Good luck with your writing. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

KJ

Hey Sparrowrules! I'm June, and I'm going to run over this for you.

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Iraelle, there was a princess. Her name was Princess Jade Muzimee.[s] She was exceedingly beautiful.[/s] From the moment she was born she was proclaimed the most angelic child in the land.

I would save the crossed out line for the next paragraph, dear, so that we can actually see that the she was beautiful .

She had long, golden locks of [s]stunning[/s] blonde hair. Her gorgeous cheekbones outlined her big, round, dazzling blue eyes. To top it all off, she had a bewitching smile. Her parents spoiled her rotten but by the time she was three, they noticed she was quite a tomboy.

Instead of using the word "stunning" describe her locks. Are the curly? Shiny?

The Queen had always wanted a little princess to pamper...(switch that ellipsis for a comma, dear) but her daughter was not girly. Not one bit. The King and Queen were very nervous that Jade would never get married off properly. Princesses were supposed to be girly and elegant. They could never get Jade away from the toy weapons she made. Jade was particularly fond of a sling shot she built herself out of sticks and rope. Jade refused to wear skirts. And when they made her wear them, she threw enormous temper tantrums. By the time she was 7 years old, both of Jade's parents were extremely worried. Jade would often run away into the woods and pretend she was a knight in shining armor preparing for battle. Her parents would try to stop her, but Jade always found a way to sneak out. Jade had one friend, Derek, and she would always play with him.

*

I think you have a good story line here. It's looking like quite a twist for a fairytale!

However, you kind of "Tell" more than "show". I personally don't mind stories that are "told" instead of "shown". Basically, the difference between showing and telling is this:

TELLING: The dog fell asleep on the porch.

SHOWING: The sleepy dog wandered onto the sunny porch and dozed in the sunlight.

Basically, both are telling us the same thing, but in the second, we're just being more descriptive and stuff.

In the second example I gave, we're avoiding "info dumping" but in the first, all we're doing is info dumping. We want to be as descriptive as possible to paint the most vivid pictures as possible for the audience, dear.

So, just add a touch of description to this, and you'll be great.

Good luck with this! I hope it all rolls smoothly!

Any questions, feel free to PM me. Nice job!

June

I'M interested in seeing where you take this, it looks like even though its starts off like a traditional fairy tale your going to take it in a completely different direction and i think I'd like to see that. I'm all for the strong independent female thing. though i do have to agree with some of the other reviewers, I do hope you go into more depth with this as the story progresses, it would be nice to see inside Jades head.

To tell the truth I think it is very cliche.The vocabular and imaginitive is horrible, and frankly the idea sounds a bit used. But, your writing does have promise and we all need practice. So, keep writing it and prove me wrong

I'm not trying to be overly harsh. I'm just telling you my honest opinion.

To tell the truth I think it is very cliche.The vocabular and imaginitive is horrible, and frankly the idea sounds a bit used. But, your writing does have promise and we all need practice.

Pssh, naw... That is harsh even if you don't consider it harsh. It's not horrible. The description just went too overboard and casual, that's all (For example, the use of gorgeously, stunningly, and the likes are overrated, too common and too bland for a description of an utterly beautiful young maiden. Also, to have hair the very moment you were born is the oddest, most cliche thing that was given in this short prologue.


And the use of 'tomboy'. Why not give us something to describe her boyish ways instead of giving us such a simple statement? This is about royalty after all, so its okay to make it grand. Royal folks are grand. Their storyteller should let their grandeur flow into their tale.




So there... Hope that helps! This is not bad at all, but it isn't actually superb either. Anyway, keep it up!



Ganbatte! ("Do your best!")




+ Katie

Hello sparrowrules!

I want to say that your story seems like a children's story. If that's what you're going for then that's really great! But anyway, the reason I think it's a children's story is because you seem to only be using simple sentences. It can get a little repetitive/choppy and the reader's attention may start to waver.

Her name was Princess Jade Muzimee.

Ok. Now here:

... Queen Muzime...

See the difference? So is her name "Muzimee" or "Muzime" ?

Now for your dialogue. The way you're writing it isn't correct. After speech, if there isn't an exclamation or question mark, you must add a comma. For example "Speech speech speech," said Queen Muzime. An exception is, when you aren't saying "she said" or something like that. For example "Speech speech speech." The Queen waved a doll around. Oh gosh that wasn't very clear. I'm sorry...

I really disagree with this sentence:

"Please? I want you to play with me." Her mother replied solemnly.

Ok firstly there's the dialogue issue but I've already talked about that so... moving on. Her mother couldn't have "replied" because her daughter didn't even speak; she shook her head.

I hope this helped!
-- Miss Ching

i thought it was good really good. great description and marvelous emotional revealing in the words. you really painted a picture inside of my mind of a beautiful young princess in some torn jeans and a t-shirt. you are a very good mental artist and in that piece i saw much potential. there is, however, one thing that i would change. i would suggest you to not start out with a once upon a time. but hey. that's just my thing. i like to start out describing what the surroundings are and trying to create a movie inside the readers head so that they can actually be there in there mind and body. that can also intrigue them enough to read more and more and more. but other than that you did a marvelous job.

Hello.

I like the idea, of the steriotypical Pirncess, is not so in this story.It makes it more fantasising, and makes you want to read on, considering there are more cliff hangers.

I really like the idea that you are making her a tom boy, because now you have created a handful of problems, of which the family would have to face.well done.