Young Writers Society

A/N: I wrote this quite a while ago, and now I don't even like it much. But, I do like the idea, so I posted it for any feedback as to how I can make it any better.
As for now, Enjoy!

PROLOGUE
Endless cries of a newborn girl echoed as her mother cradled her. Although fatigued, the mother was content to see she had given birth to a healthy baby and didn't need to worry much of anything, considering who her father was. She and her mother were pretty much set for life. The mother smiled at the thought of this and looked up to see the father, who came to the baby and marked on her wrist as his daughter.

**********

It hasn't even been half an hour when a man suddenly swooped down and grabbed the baby before the mother got a chance to think of a name. The father was gone by this time, announcing to the kingdom of his new and only daughter. The mother fought to keep her baby, but the man managed to escape with her. She was devastated to have lost her child and ashamed to not be a good enough mother to protect her in that short time from her birth.
The father is now outraged, seeking revenge. His worst enemy has done it this time!
Who is the mother you ask? Simone.
The baby is soon to be known as Stella.
The man is God.
The kingdom is Hell.
And the father…
The one and only Satan.

Haha interesting. I like the idea, too!

You're giving way too much away in the prologue, though...lol. Perhaps we should learn who these people are later?

It hasn't even been half an hour when a man suddenly swooped down and grabbed the baby before the mother got a chance to think of a name. The father was gone by this time, announcing to the kingdom of his new and only daughter. The mother fought to keep her baby, but the man managed to escape with her. She was devastated to have lost her child and ashamed to not be a good enough mother to protect her in that short time from her birth.

First on, you say "hasn't even been..." and then you say "suddenly swooped down...". Make up your mind on what your tense is going to be, and stick with it. But, seeing that the s and the d are close together on the keyboard, it's probably just a typo, so I won't bawl you out on that one....lol. I'm not a nice reviewer....

Anyway.

Second on, this goes way too fast. slow it down, show us what's going on instead of telling us. Describe God and his struggle with Simone. Describe Satan's anger when he comes back to find that his child has been stolen.

Over all, though, well done mate.

I'm not usually very clear when I reveiw, so pm me if you have any questions!

~Vee

and didn't need to worry much of anything

I think you mean to have "about" after worry.

who came to the baby and marked on her wrist as his daughter.

How did he do that? Describe?

The father is now outraged, seeking revenge. His worst enemy has done it this time!

I'm reading and like it all up to this point. I don't like that last sentence - rephrase it.

And you need to decide on a tense. You switch between past and present. Choose well, grasshopper. *giggle*

As for the concept: I love it! I'm a huge ga-ga nutball for Christian mythology in storylines. And you got me, because already I need to know why God would steal the baby, what the Devil's up to... I just adore this. *thows love at it*

I demand you post more of this (oh and edit this section too). PM me when there's more!

Wow. If there were more I'd definitley read on!

The tense does shift, and personally, for a prologue that appears should happen in the past it should be past tense.

it does sound good and my middle name is Simone!

With some detail and a little more elaboration it could develop into a decent story. Although I would feel a story like this would be more of a short story. At least with the information you have given.

Then again if you amped up the action sent the father on a quest to get the daughter back it would be pretty cool. I would like this story as long as you dont go on and on about how the mother is depressed about how she couldnt protect her baby. That makes the story dull and unappealing unless you like that kind of thing.

Ok Im gonna stop now since I went beyond what you wrote. Oops. Oh well its a good story idea but if you dont feel it is worthy of writing it all down dont. Or come back to it later. Sometimes storylines develop in instants while other could take years to develop

Have fun with it and goodluck on future writing!

This is such an interesting concept! So the story's going to focus on Satan's daughter who's been kidnapped by God? It has potential for so much humour as well. I definitely want to see how it plays out.

Such a chilling prolouge! The last sentence was very intruiging - I can't wait to see how this will turn out. The characters seemed to be a little flat though, I think more emotion (how the mom, Satan, and God feels with the current events) would make it more life-like and exciting. I do hope that a story develops out of this - the plot is already fascinating and you can do a lot with it.

Freeeaaaky! I'd be way too scared to write something like this! I have to hand it to you for your courage! Why haven't you written more? Get on with it already!

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO

I'm sorry I found this so late!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is so intriguing!............................

wait a minute.

Aren't you gonna continue it?

I thin the concept is extremely interesting! I've never heard anything like it! I would love to see a "blood runs thicker than water" story line where she doesn't know her past and God tries raising her to be good, but she's got the devil's blood so she can't help but be bad.

Here's a few things I didn't like:

She and her mother were pretty much set for life

That sounds so immature and not very literary. you can say "Her and her mother were very privelaged"

The father is now outraged, seeking revenge. His worst enemy has done it this time!

Again, same problem. It sounds like a comic hero saying "Drats, you have foiled me worst enemy!"

Who is the mother you ask? Simone.

Try "The mother- Simone the...." Maybe she has a title? Just putting her name there makes her sound so insignificant next to the Devil. Almost like we're just supposed to know who she is just because we know who God and Satan are.

I saw that you posted this nearly a year ago. Perhaps you don't want to continue with it, but this is what I think anyways.