Young Writers Society

That boy's watching me all the time. My friends noticed, too. He doesn't turn the other way when we glare at him, he just stands there watching me in the classrooms, the cafeteria, and when I go into the bathroom, he's there. Behind the lockers. Watching me.

But every time this happens my best friend is always there. His name's Joel Sanchéz, and he's from Puerto Rico. It's really cool to have someone as a best friend who's not from United States. But, I don't want to be his best friend. I want to be his best friend, and girlfriend. The truth is that I had a crush on him since eight grade, now, we're juniors and still... I'm in love with him.

As I was telling; my best friend, Joel, always tries to stand by my side, because of the "stalker" guy. I think that Joel has this thing about always standing behind me, and when Noah Rogers(creepy guy) walks by us, he moves to the front. I think Joel wants Noah to look deeply into his olive-eyes, so he could be intimidating. I appreciate it, only that I feel like he's doing it as a best friend should, he doesn't seems to do it because he's scare that someone might hurt me, and that I'd fall in love with another guy.

"Rose, are you felling alright? Did the geeky Chucky talked to you or anything?" Joel said from behind me. Goose bumps form in my arms. It's creepy to think someone is always following you. My friends took it like a joke, but both, Joel and I know that there's something going on. Sometimes, he makes jokes, and I laugh, but we both know we are dying of fear. Why don't we do something? Every school staff hates us, I don't know why, but I'm starting to feel they're in Noah's side. If we say something bad about him, we probably will get expelled. They say "Noah?! As like, Noah Rogers? Stalking a girl? Kids, Mister Rogers would never do something like that... you should be ashamed of yourselves for accusing him."

"He hasn't moved from the last table behind us. Is he looking this way?" I saw when Joel tried to look to the table where Noah was. The light, that trespassed the crystal windows of the cafeteria, made contact with Joel's body, and it made him look like an angel. That moment I could really see how beautiful he was; how every girl wanted to be with him. I mean, I fell in love with him a long time ago, but I had fallen for his heart; for his personality. Now, I could see he was both; beautiful on the outside, and beautiful on the inside. As my little day dream was getting more fictional, Joel's eyes reflected fear and rage at the same time.

"This has to stop!" Joel was standing now. Strands of his black hair fell on his face, hiding one of his eyes. He walked to where Noah was sitting, but before he could do anything, I snapped out of the trance and walked to where Joel and Noah were looking at each other.

I grabbed Joel's right sleeve of his green jacket, and pulled him back, where Noah couldn't hear our conversation. "Forget it. Don't go. Stay with me."

"Don't worry, Rose, he's not going to hurt anybody. I got this, just, wait here." He was about to walk off, when he turned to me. He placed his hands in my cheeks. "Rose, I'll be fine." He kissed my forehead, and when he walked back to the table, I could feel my forehead still warm, and I could feel his presence next to me, telling me that everything would be fine.

This story will continue. It isn't finished yet.

First of all, great job throwing the reader right into the story. And at the end of the first paragraph you made a nice stylistic choice with the short sentences, which are always great for emphasis.

You may want to read through this again, though, to go over your word choice in some areas, there are sentences that are a little unclear. Also, try to stretch it out a bit more, add more transitions (I struggle with this too). It seems like you go from one thing to the next a little too quickly, like at the start the stalking doesn't seem too serious and it doesn't read like your character or Joel is all that worried about it. Maybe try to add more background about the stalker and how long he's been stalking her for and spend more time with the ideas in each paragraph.

But, already you've done a good job of setting up the story, conflicts, and characters. I hope I helped and I can't wait to read more.

(p.s. how old are your characters? I couldn't really figure that out.)

I like your story, its really interesting and grabs for attention
At first I was worried because I wouldn't want to read something creepy! but then, in the next paragraph you started talking about her friend that she has a crush on which I thought was a big jump but a good one
What do you mean when you talk about him being a vampire or a monster because it confused me somewhat?
Overall a great story

I liked this a lot! It was really interesting. There is some wrong puncuation and a few mistakes. But, other then that, I enjoyed it.

Look through the second paragraph, there are a few mistakes. Please PM me when you add more.

This has definantly got potential. Its realistic but odd enough to catch my interest... very good start to a story. Like another reader mentioned, its good with bringing you right into the story, and keeping you hooked... until it ends, of course. What I mean is that if I could have kept reading, I would have. But of course, you have to finish the book first.
Anyway... the only problems I can see is that the stalker/nerd lacks description (there isn't much other than that he has intense blue eyes) and that there needs to be a better reason for the point-of-view character being scared. These could be relatad, as if you described him as being more grotesque (pale skin, black eyes, chapped lips, maybe even claws/fangs only the main character can see) than that character would have more reason to be afraid.
Other than the above mentioned, I think its perfect.

Keep it up,
M.E.

Good job setting the scene, it hooks the reader in right at the start. The good thing about is it's realistic. A few spelling mistakes and tell us more about the characters, what does this girl look like? What's so creepy about the kid staring at her? How old are they?
Write more soon I'm dying to see what happens next.

Hello There! I'm Jordan and I'll be your critique.
First of all... I loved how you started... with the creepy stalker guy always staring at Rose and put the creepy presence on. Then I loved how you put her bestfriend/crush in the story. I love guys that protect their girls. :]
But... PM me when you continue it... I think it will be a great story!

-- Jordan

I love your story, it's very interesting - it looks like it has potential

The only thing i was a bit disappointed in was that Joel was not properly describe; u only mentioned his hair and lips, also the nerd wasn't describe at all

On the whole I loved it
PM me when you post the next piece

I really liked this!
I agree with the other replies: you should add a bit more description of the characters but other than that it's brilliant.
Can't wait to read more.

A very good job there. It gets the readers hooked right from the start. I really like the concept but there is lack in description . I also got kinda confused about the monster
vampire part.

But except for that it was really good story and I'll be waiting to see what will happen next.

PM me when you add more