Young Writers Society

WOW!!!! that was intense.... I loved the battle, and the ending was slightly funny... this actually reminds me of a movie I saw with the same story line... a bunch of miniature robotic Gi Goes try to kill a family, but the family does defeat them... the Gi Goes did NOT have a nuke with them! Is this all, or Will there be a sequel?

Cheers, Yamar

Hi! Here I am to review.

First off, try to avoid the -ly words. They lean to telling. Of course, don't go overboard and use none, but use as little as possible.

For example, you could show how Renshaw was impatient. He turned around and glared at the clerk, etc.

signed
I'm guessing you mean sighed. No worries, everybody makes typos. ^^


The package fitted clumsily under his arm
The package fit. Again, the -ly.


He was reliable, he was efficient, but what his customers really paid for was his infallible predator’s talent.
Show me he's reliable and efficient. Don't tell me.


At this time of day, just after 3 p.m., the spacious living room was splashed in April sunshine
Try to avoid the to be verbs. At this time of day, just after 3 PM, April sunshine spilled into the spacious living room. (okay, I'm not so sure about how I worded it, but really, you can work it to avoid passivity)


He took out his credit card and slid it under one of the flaps held down by scotch tape. He popped it loose
Combine into one sentence, please. It kind of felt choppy when I read it.


The he was there
Enough said.


Now that my nitpicks are over with, the only major problem you have is the -ly words.

And the ending, by the way, is pretty cool.

Hey Dr. Awesome! Here I am, upon request! I haven't review an Action piece in a long time.

---

“Mr. Renshaw?”

The desk clerk’s voice caught him halfway to the elevator, and Renshaw turned around impatiently. The envelope in his coat pocket, stuffed with twenties and fifties, crackled heavily. The job had gone well and the pay had been excellent, but now all he wanted was a hot shower and sleep.

“What is it?”

Okay, so what building is he in right now? I figure after reading further on that it's a nice apartment complex in which he has a penthouse, but perhaps a little bit more description that you offer is necessary, just to allow the reader to have some sense of surrounding as he maneuvers himself; maybe describe just a few things, the decor, the front desk, anything along those lines -- not a lot of description is needed, just enough for the reader to get a bearing on the setting beyond that he has a mailbox there.

This time the face had been that of a sallow Miami businessman by the name of Hans Morris, founder and owner of the Morris Toy Company. Someone had wanted Morris out of the way and called the Organization. The Organization called John Renshaw. Mourners please omit flowers.

I really like how it's a Toy Company -- makes the man seem supposedly harmless, creates an air of innocence, and yet this man is being hired to take him out. Intriguing.

---

... Wow!

This was an extremely clever story. I only thought little of it being a Toy Company Organization at the beginning, just thought it made the man sound endearing, and then you bring that to the table and I am thoroughly impressed! Also, your sentences are structured well and the writing is overall done very, very well -- obviously, due to my complete lack of grammatical nitpicks whatsoever.

The story is not flawless however. Though very entertaining, I find it a bit sad that the main character has almost new personality. He is the typical hitman put into an extraordinary situation, but he's never really characterized in a way that makes him seem an individual anyway. The unique thing about him is his situation, nothing more. He is mostly calm and cool throughout the entire thing, and we're never allowed any surprise from him, or any thoughts out of the ordinary thoughts you would ascribe to a suave hitman. This makes him boring, sadly. Luckily, you've given him an amazing, exciting, weird experience to go through, so the story is entertaining, yet it still sorely lacks a solid, real character that has his own thoughts.

For instance, when the soldiers first appear, it seems more odd reading it initially because Renshaw doesn't really have a good reaction to it. It seems way too calm, there's no expressed sense of disbelief that the reader can really pick up on, nothing that seems real to a character anyway. It took me a while to adjust to there being toy soldiers because of this, because of the strange lack of any seemingly appropriate reaction from your character. He was always cold, and calm and ... boring!

And then at the end, dead.

So, amazing story -- I loved the ending -- but with a bland main character who is made more exciting by his situation.

I hope this was a helpful review! PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo

Locked - Plagiarism

Original story by Stephen King.