Young Writers Society

The scream erupted without warning, a terrible scream of death and torture. But then, there were so many screams these days, what difference did one more make?
"A hell of a lot of difference, as its coming from our neighbor." a voice spoke from beside her, causing her to jump.
"Damn it Peter! Don't do that-the whole mind reading thing is kinda' creepy."
But he wasn't listening, "My god Cordy, its so close, we could be next." He moved to lock the door. The action made her sigh with chagrin.
"We could all be next and locking the door won't help. Oh, you know it, don't act as if you don't." She scolded, watching his eyes frow dimas they so often did these days. She felt a slight feeling of remorse, despite her wordsbeing entirely true. No, she had no reason to fell sorry, none at all. And yet, the wat his shoulders slumped when she reminded him that there was no hope left...no, she was right. Saying that there was hope would be a completley blatant lie.

Hmm. It's intersting, and I definitly want you to continue, but it's pretty short for a post; I wish you had written more. That way mor would be explained, because right now it's intriguing but kinda vague.

Thats all I got. But please keep writing it! I'm curious as to where it's going.

For starters, from what was posted (all though not much info was given) I'm already fascinated. It's a really good start. However, there is one part that i don't really like.

"Damn it Peter! Don't do that-the whole mind reading thing is kinda' creepy."

I just think it sounds unrealistic. Like someone wouldn't really talk like that. I know you're trying to let the reader know that he can read minds, but maybe you could, rather than have her say it out loud, think to herself, i hate it when he does that... or something. But overall its a really good start

Thanks for the advice. I'll change that in the final draft.