Young Writers Society

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Hi there This is a good piece- especially considering its so short! I'll try my best to review without changing the word count much

Two countries, in fact, waging an ancient war – the war of their ancestors. But they were long gone and buried; along with the pride of their nations.

To me it sounded like 'But they were long gone' was still referring to the two countries- I'd maybe replace 'they' with something like 'those people' to show it was the ancestors.

Young and hopeful children, bred to hate.

I think you could replace 'young' here as you know they are young from that they are children, instead maybe you could say 'innocent' or 'fragile' or some other vulnerable description

Shocked by the events, Melanija won't speak anymore.

I'm not sure about 'shocked'- I think you could use a stronger word here like 'traumatised' as shocked does not seem that big a thing.

A husky man appeared and embraced her.

I kind of think of 'husky' as a description of some one's voice- I think you could describe his appearance better, so if you are saying he is large you could say a number of things, perhaps 'a bear of a man' or 'a stoutly built'.

It was the grave coal eyes that stopped her.

I think this might sound better as 'His grave coal eyes stopped her.' Just my opinion though

The briskness inside him subsided and he returned to his nurturing disposition, comforting her.

I don't think 'briskness' is the right word here- agitation/severeness or something similar might work instead.

And so, today, the sun is falling and I tell the story.

This confused me a bit as I thought you were already telling the story

They walked holding hands to their secluded home; past the hills on a sunflower route. That particular day, they happened to have deadly timing.

I'm not that keen on 'deadly timing'- I'd maybe just have it as something like 'unfortunate', possibly with something before it like 'gravely', or 'unforunately perfect' or something similar.

“No Serbs on our soil,” the man and his accomplices scowled. He continued, “Hear this, give me your lady and keep your life.”

I'd leave out 'He continued,' as I don't think you really need it and the sentence might flow better were it left out.

The father led the girl away despite the foe's taunts. That was when it happened.

I'd say 'started to lead' as if he has led her then they would already be away.

Everyone heard the piercing bolt but Melanija turned just in time to see the men running back and hear the thud of her father's hefty body.

You wouldn't really turn around to hear a sound- I'd maybe have her seeing her dads body thud to the ground. I'm not sure about bolt- is it a gun shot? If so, I would say shot. So all in all something like this- 'Everyone head the piercing shot but Melanija turned just in time to see the men running back and her fathers hefty body, thudding to the ground.'

Overall: I think this is pretty nicely written! Very sad

I found it a bit confusing though at some points - I'm not sure about what the two separate memories are doing together. I would stick with one, either talking of the time when her father died or of her mother dying. If not, I'd maybe connect them so they are one memory, maybe after she had confided in her dad they could walk back and that's when he gets shot? That would probably enable the story to flow better. You repeat that you are going to tell the story of her so I was a bit confused about which one was the story- if they were both together it might make more sense

I understand you don't have many words to work with but if you were able to describe more on the shooting I think it would be more effective- especially how she feels, before and after he gets shot. I'm not sure if much is needed on their appearance as it is quite short. I think maybe connecting the ending of the story back to the beginning would be good as well, mentioning just a sentence or two on how this is one tale out of the many losses people experienced.

But overall a great piece of writing! Hope I've helped- all of my comments are just suggestions

I liked this a lot. It was nice and flowed well at most points. Just like Pippiedooda said the second sentace saying you would tell us her story confused me.

"And so, today, the sun is falling and I tell the story."
I totally lost you here. My advice, just get rid of the whole sentance.

Overall, very nice. I liked the name of the girl, Melenija. It sounds unique and different.

Hey,
One or two nitpicks...

She can't voice her own story, one of many here in the beautiful, bloody Balkans.

One of many what? People who can't voice their own story? Make it a bit more obvious for those people who don't catch on to things quick.

A husky man appeared and embraced her.

I don't really see how a man can be husky. Maybe you should use a different adjective to describe him?

“Tata, Mama is never coming back. It's all my fault – I didn't care for her. She was ill, I never- ”

At first, by 'tata' I thought you meant bye. You know, in that posh way like when people say 'cheerio'. Then when I re-read it, I realised it must have been a name.

And so, today, the sun is falling and I tell the story.

This sentence is not important, you've already told us you're telling Melanija's story so it's meaningless repeating yourself.

This was such a short piece but it was one packed full with emotion. It was so sad how her dad dies at the end just because he did not want to hand her over to the thugs. Very noble.
Awesome job! Hope you do great in that contest.

PM me with questions or if you need anything reviewed

Awesome story!

A husky man appeared and embraced her.

I get what you mean by "husky" and have no problems with it, but if you would like some other adjectives that could get the point across...

Burly, Stocky or Stout. (personally I like stocky, although it would make him seem shorter.)
(I don't mean to imply that you've never heard of or used a thesaurus; those are just some words that I liked in substitute if you were to change it.)

--

It really flows well. When I read that it was such a low word count I was like, what?

But I'm really impressed. You conveyed so much with so little.

(envious)

I really like this story! Even though this piece is so short, I think it was really, truly amazing. Even though you entered it to a contest, I think you should add more to it. I did not notice any spelling errors, so overall, great story! PM me if you need anything!

This piece is quite inspirational. What struck me most about the story was the character of Melanija, especially at the end of the story where she is shown to be brave and wise for her age. Her father's character especially in that he loved his daughter that he wouldn't give her away is quite touching. What I would advise you to check on is your tenses because at some point it did become confusing; especially in the first few paragraphs.Beside that, I love this story!