Young Writers Society

This is the newly revised, 6th draft. Please lemme know what you think - I'm open to new ideas and suggestions. The more specific you are, the better! I think I added in all the italics, but there may be some missing because I copy and pasted it from MS Word.

Thanks in advanced for the reviews! Feel free to drop by my review for food thread, topic42126.html and ask for a review from me!

Stop and Smell the Roses
By: Ralph Gallagher
Henri Fredric Amiel once said, "Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over flesh - that is to say, over fear... Heroism is the dazzling and brilliant concentration of courage."
I was sitting at my desk in my bedroom when Jake walked in. Jake was my six-year-old brother, a pain in the butt a lot of the time, but my brother none-the-less.
"What's up, Jake?" I asked, setting down my calculator and pencil.
"Can you take me to the park?" he asked.
"Why are you asking me? Mom and Dad always take you."
"I want you to take me! You're more fun than they are! And you take me when they're not home," Jake said as he climbed up and sat on my lap.
"That's supposed to be our secret," I reminded him. Mom and Dad were really over protective of Jake - never letting him out of their sight. Well, Mom is. Dad’s rarely home – always on some business trip.
"I know! I won't tell 'em! I promise!" he said, only it sounded like 'pwomise'. "Please!"
I looked down and Jake and he was staring up at me giving me puppy dog eyes. You know the ones that you just can't say no to? "All right, I'll ask them if I can take you."
He jumped off my lap and yelled "yay!"
Getting my parents to agree to it was not an easy ordeal. Let's just say it took twenty minutes of me promising to take good care up him, plus Jake begging and giving them puppy dog eyes. And after they gave us permission, we had to stand there and listen to a long list of rules.
"Don’t let him out of your sight. Hold his hand if you cross a street. Don’t let him talk to strangers. Don’t let him go to the bathroom alone." Those are only a few of the long list of rules Mom gave me.
Being a good son, I stood there and nodded while rolling my eyes. I'm eighteen for crying out loud, I thought to myself, I think I can take care of my own brother.
Once the lecture ended, Jake and I went upstairs and put on our shoes. I grabbed my wallet, keys and cell phone off my desk and we were ready to head to the park.
"Don't take your eyes off him!" Mom shouted for the hundredth time as we walked out the door.
"Yes, mother," I shouted back as I rolled my eyes.
The park was only about a mile or two from our house, so it only took a couple minutes to drive there. After I parked the car, Jake ran out into one of the fields while I grabbed a Frisbee from the trunk. Most of our "park toys" were still in the backseat from when I took Jake to the park last week. The next half hour was spent tossing a Frisbee back and forth, trying to out throw each other.
I decided to give him a little bit of a challenge. I threw the Frisbee towards Jake for what seemed like the hundredth time, only this time, I threw a bit harder, causing it to fly over Jake’s head. Keeping his eye on the Frisbee, he ran as fast as his little legs could go to catch it. Jumping in the air, he managed to catch the Frisbee, but forgot the landing. He landed on the soft green grass in a burst of giggle.
“Josh!” Jake shouted after he stopped his giggling. “I’m getting bored. Can we do something else?”
“Sure, what do you want to do?” I asked him.
“Can you teach me how to hit a baseball? Jimmy’s brother taught him.” Jimmy was Jake’s best friend and his brother, Craig, was my best friend and on my baseball team.
“Sure. Wait here and I’ll go get a ball and bat from the car.” I said as I ran back to where we had parked.
I grabbed my baseball bag out of the trunk and ran back to where Jake was waiting. He was standing in the same spot I left him, tossing the Frisbee up in the air. I set the bag down and got out a ball, a bat and a glove. I started out by teaching Jake how to hold the bat and had him do a couple practice swings to get the hang of it.
Once he was pretty comfortable swinging, I stood back a couple yards and gently tossed the ball for him to hit.
“Good job!” I yelled when he hit the ball and sent it rolling back towards me. “Ready for the next one?”
Jake nodded and I tossed another ball towards him. He hit that one too, sending it back towards me. Jake was pretty good at hitting the ball, hitting it more times than not even though the bat was a little heavy for him.
After Jake had hit a couple more balls, I checked the time on my cell phone, it was just after noon. “You getting hungry?” I asked Jake.
“Yeah, a little,” he replied.
“Wait here again and I’ll go grab us some hot dogs.” I told him.
He nodded and I left him there, tossing the ball in the air, while I went to the concession stand near the baseball fields. I grabbed us both hot dogs, and a soda to split.
When I returned, all of our equipment was laying on the ground. But Jake was gone.
“Jake?” I yelled. “Where are you?”
I turned in a circle and looked around. “Jake!” I kept yelling. I could not see him anywhere.
The hot dogs fell to the ground as I started shouting his name as loud as I could. I ran through the park looking for him. I checked all the fields, the bathrooms, even the woods. Jake wasn’t there.
I started to panic. Mom and Dad are going to kill me. I pulled my phone out and called my parents. Within minutes they arrived followed by a cop. They searched the park extensively but still could not find Jake. My mother was in tears within an hour.
The next two days were hell. The only time my father would talk to me was when he was blaming me for what happened. “This is all your god dammed fault!” he would yell after drinking himself silly. “You should’ve been watching him, damn it!”
My mother was not much better; she locked herself in her room and did nothing but cry. I ended up spending all my time at Craig’s house. I was a nervous wreck, spending most of the time pacing around worrying about Jake. If it was not for Craig, I think I would have gone insane.
“Don’t worry. They’ll find him,” Craig told me more times than I could count.
No matter how many times he told me that, I could not help but worry. My dad’s words kept playing over and over in my head. “This is all your damned fault.” The voice made me sick. Twice I had to run to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach.
When I returned from the bathroom and sat on Craig’s bed and just put my head and my hands. “I can’t take much more of this,” I told Craig.
I felt Craig put his hand on my back. “It’s all right, Josh. They’ll find him. I know.”
Then I felt smaller hands wrap around my waist and hug me. I opened my eyes and Jimmy was sitting next to me. “Jake will be okay,” he said looking up at me with hope.
I put my arms around Jimmy and hugged him back. “Thanks, you guys. You’re the best.”
The three of us laid in Craig’s bed together and watched a movie to try and take out minds off of everything. After the movie was over, I gave them both a hug and told them I was going to head home for the night. When I went out to my car, there was an envelope on my windshield. I took it off and unlocked my door. Sitting in the car, I opened the envelope, and $600 in monopoly money fell out. “Weird…” I muttered to myself as I unfolded the note that was still inside.
Hello, Josh. Yes, I know your name; your brother is very talkative. He’s still alive by the way, for now. I assume you want him back? He keeps saying how you’ll come and get him. All you’ve got to do is bring me $10,000 and I’ll give him right back. 4060 Rosewood. 8 am sharp. Be there and tell no one. You tell anyone, even your best friend Craig, and I’ll kill him.
- Charles Darrow
My breathing had sped up as I read it. I recognized the name on the note. Charles Darrow, the creator of Monopoly. It was how the Monopoly killer signed his ransom notes.
The Monopoly Killer, as the media dubbed him, was a deranged man who was kidnapping children across the country. They said Monopoly money always accompanied the ransom note. I sat there staring dumbly into space. Then I remember the last reason he was called the Monopoly Killer. He always killed the child he had kidnapped, and a Monopoly piece was always found with the body. No. Not Jake. That bastard can’t have him.
This isn’t real; stuff like this only happens on TV. Someone’s messing with me for sure, a prank, it has to be, a sick and twisted prank. I already knew it was not a prank, my mind just would not accept it. This can't be happening to me, to Jake.
“Damn it!” I shouted as I banged my hands on the steering wheel.
I knew what I had to do next. I started my car and by driving as fast as I could, I was able to make it to the bank before it closed. I withdrew my savings, all $6,327 of it.
When I got home, I went through everything in my room. As I went through all of my stuff, I piled up everything of value on my bed. My PS3, laptop, the gold crucifix my grandmother bought me, anything that looked like I could sell it. By the end of the night I had a pile of stuff on my bed. I figured it would be more than enough to get me the last of the money.
I loaded all of the stuff in my trunk. It took me quite a few trips, but I managed to do it without waking my parents. After everything was loaded up and ready, I lay in my bed and tried to get a couple hours of sleep. I spent half an hour tossing and turning before I gave up and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling the entire night, too nervous to sleep. A little before 5 am I gave up on sleep and changed my clothes.
I put on a black long sleeve shirt and grabbed a pair of black pants from the bottom of my drawer. I took my phone and wallet from the desk and put them in my pocket. At the last minute, I grabbed my old pocket knife from inside my desk drawer.
Before leaving, I made a stop in my father’s den and grabbed one of his old briefcases to put the money in.
Quietly, I crept out of the house and left. The sun was beginning to come up; the whole town seemed so peaceful despite what was going on. I drove to various pawn shops, selling as much as I dared without raising suspicion. I sat in the car outside of one of the pawnshops and counted the money. I had all $10,000 ready. I grabbed the briefcase that I took from my father’s office off of the backseat and put all the money inside it. After tossing the case back onto the backseat, I took the folded piece of paper out of the center console and reread the address.
4060 Rosewood was an abandoned warehouse in the middle of the city. After parking my car in an alley next to it, I took the case containing all the money from the backseat and locked my car. When I got out of the car, I looked around outside the building, the entire block looked deserted. The morning fog still had not dissipated and gave an eerie feeling to the area.
Fear engulfed me with every step towards the building. I knew I was probably walking into a trap, but it did not matter, I would do anything for Jake. I stood outside the building, nearly shaking with terror.
A thought flashed into my head. Maybe I should’ve gotten help. No. It’s too late now. I fingered the knife in my pocket, and took a couple deep breaths to calm myself. Once I had control of my body, I opened the door and slowly walked in.
The door slammed shut behind me with a deafening thud. I stood, paralyzed in the darkness until a few dim lights came on. A man slowly walked out of the shadows. His right arm was raised, pointing a handgun at my chest. The briefcase suddenly seemed to weigh a ton. I tightened my grip on the handle so as not to drop it.
Once he was out of the shadows I got a good look at him. His face was hidden by an old, ratty ski-mask. The rest of his clothes were nice – almost too nice for a creepy psycho killer.
“I knew you wouldn’t let me down,” he said as he got closer. “You’ve got all the money?”
I nodded, too afraid to speak.
He motioned towards a table near the side of the room. “Put it over there.”
I went over and placed the case atop the table, and turned to face him.
He was almost right in front of me. I looked away, no matter how hard I tried, I could not look at him. “Good, now turn around and lean against that wall.”
I did as he told me to. He began to haphazardly pat me down, pulling out anything he found. First, he pulled my wallet out, and tossed it across the room. He did the same with my keys. When he got to my phone, he threw it against the hard, concrete floor, shattering it. “Can’t have anyone interrupting us.” Then he found the pocket knife. He looked at the knife for a moment. “Cute,” he said before throwing it across the room. I managed to conceal a smile when he finished patting me down.
He spun me around and stared directly into my eyes. “Did you tell anyone about our little meeting?” he asked.
“I didn’t tell anyone!” I told him. “I swear!”
“Good good,” he said, smiling. I could hear the excitement in his voice. It sounded almost like he was having fun.
Beads of sweat started rolling down my face. “How’d you know my name and where I was?” I asked him. I needed to know even though I dreaded the answer.
“I’ve been keeping an eye on you and your brother for a while,” he said smugly. “You were the obvious choice for the ransom, caring so much for your beloved brother.”
“Where the hell is he?” I found myself shouting. “I got your money, now gimme my brother!”
He let out a sigh. “What’s with you kids today? Always in a rush. Why don’t you stop and smell the roses for once?” He shook his head. “He’s right over there,” he said pointing to a corner on the other side of the table. I saw something lying in the corner, crumpled up in a ball.
I ran over to it as fast as I could. It was Jake all right. He looked like he had been through hell though. His body was covered in bruises, his clothes were torn. Kneeling down, I carefully picked him up and cradled him in my arms. He was barely breathing. “It’s all right, Jake. I’m here,” I whispered to him. “I’ll get you out of here, I promise.”
The man stood by the table laughing at us. “Now you two be good and I won’t have to kill you.” I looked up and finally got a good look at him. He was smiling again. I looked him in the eyes – the only part of his face I could see through the mask – they were dark, like they had no color to them.
It was his eyes that told the truth: he was going to kill us no matter what. The Monopoly Killer had never let a victim live. I made up my mind; I refused to die in this god forsaken place. I refused to let Jake die. I waited for him to make a mistake, waited for an opening to get Jake out of here.
The man was cocky; he turned his back to us to count his money. I carefully laid Jake back down on the ground. I kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you.” Looking down at my little brother, I saw how frail and weak he was.
As quietly as I possibly could, I stood up and reached under the back of my shirt. I slid out the Stiletto knife that I had taken from my father’s den and concealed on my belt. As I crept over to the man, I flipped the Stiletto’s blade out. My hands were shaking as I walked over to him. At that moment, I wondered what would happen if I failed.
If I fail, he will definitely kill us. I immediately pushed the thought away. I won’t fail. I can’t. I won’t let Jake down.
After pushing everything out of my mind and focusing on the task, I kept going, slowly, as not to alert him. The only sounds I could hear were the swish of the bills entering and leaving his hands, and my heart keeping time in my chest. The man did not even notice I had moved until he felt the cold, steel blade slash across his throat. A single swipe of the blade was all it took.
Then everything seemed to happen all at once. I felt the warm, sticky blood gush from his neck and cover my hand. The gun fell from his hand and hit the floor with a loud crash. Not far behind was his body. Two monopoly pieces fell out of his pocket when he hit the ground.
I reached over the body and grabbed the ratty ski-mask, tearing it off his head. When I saw his face, I stumbled backwards, falling to the ground. I looked over at the lifeless face of my father. As I stared at him, the adrenaline began to wear off, and I remembered Jake. I ran over and knelt down next to him. He was starting to move.
"J... Josh...?" he stammered as he opened his eyes.
I shushed him. "Don't try and talk. I'm gonna get you to a hospital," I told him.
He smiled weakly. "I love you, Josh," he said. Then he closed his eyes again.
I picked him up and carried him out to my car. I carefully placed him in the backseat and drove him to the hospital, leaving the money and my father’s body behind. The entire time, I prayed that Jake would be all right.
Fear. It can be a powerful stopping force, but it can also be the strongest motivation. Eventually, we all must face our fears.

All in all I quite like this.
Although you have obviously rewritten this piece several times it seems a little... I don't know, dry? I know it's hard to believe it but I think it could do with a little more emotion.
True, there is plenty of emotion, but it looks to be rather cliché emotion. It's likely that in those situations those would be the emotions you would feel but perhaps there are some others, lurking under the surface that could be popped in here and there.
Also there is quite a lack of female characters; I know there aren't that many males either, but perhaps if either the best friend or sibling were female? Just a suggestion but I do think it would add.

Now onto the start.
The first paragraph troubles me slightly, I can't exactly say why. Perhaps the kidnapping could occur not on the first trip to the park, or perhaps the parents aren't quite so tight. You can immediately tell something is going to go wrong.
I stood there and rolled my eyes, trying to drown out her insistent nagging. That line especially has something about it that I really can't stomach. It is rather cliché to say the least. Perhaps you could say something along the lines of : I nodded, smiled and said "of course" a few times, this must have been the hundredth time she'd given this lecture.

My hands were shaking so badly, it took my almost two minutes to get to their number in the phonebook. Know I don't know about you but I'm not sure my hands would be shaking quite so early on. It instills the fear that's coming later far too early, washing it out a little when it hits full force.

I was basically a nervous wreck, spending most of the time pacing around worrying about Jake. If it wasn’t for Craig, I think I would’ve gone insane. I suggest you scratch that 'basically', either he is or isn't a nervous wreck.

My face and neck were covered in sweat by the time I had reached the end. Same as with the shaking of hands. I think if he were stunned or even disbelieving it would work harder. Maybe along the lines of My head fell back against the seat and I starred out the window, mouth open, then shook my head and read the note again, gut clenching. This couldn't be real, stuff like this only happened in cop shows. Someone was messing with me for sure, a prank, it had to be. But already I knew it wasn't, my mind just wouldn't accept it, this couldn't be happening to me, to Jake.

Also I don't think quite so much needs to be said about the Monopoly killer, a bit of darkness and mystery is always nice.

Driving to the pawn shops. Now although many out there aren't, I'm a great fan of describing scene. Now the terror is properly there with a nice lead up so why not start with the scenery already? Use every sense, not just sight. Is the air cold, what season is it? It's very early morning so it must be very still with a few birds, deserted roads, is there the smell of rain? The smell of breakfasts cooking? Also a touch of 'less scary' helps to make 'more scary' hmmm not very well explained on my part sorry.
But think Hansel and Gretel; a house made of lollies and a sweet old lady!

Now here I like the lack of describing the killer, very nicely done. Though from what we know of him he seems to be a rather cliché killer...

Some more emotion would be good or at least certainly wouldn't do any harm. What about that tightness in your stomach, and after those moments of fear when your mind clicks and woosh goes the adrenaline! DO NOT FORGET THE ADRENALINE!

Nice killing, but an amateur would usually stab at his back which could also drag it on a little longer. Sorry but I just love the murder bits in everything. And blood is hot not really warm, also sticky and here you can use a few more senses too.

The gun fell from his hand and hit the floor with a loud crash. Not far behind it was his body. Guns on concrete clatter and bodies make more of a thump.

The next thing I remember was a SWAT battalion swarming the building. I think you can scratch that.
And the happy ending too is a little overdone in my opinion. I think it would be even better if you left it at waking up feeling sick and covered with blood still at the warehouse but very happy with his brother by his side.

Altogether this is pretty good but could use a little spice. And I love the idea of a Monopoly Killer. Also the end bit about fear is gorgeous

Laramie.
xox

That was really great, I loved it.
A few things kind of sound un-realistic though. I don't understand why his parents were hesitant to let he go to the park with Jake. I'm 13 and my brother is 2 and I am allowed to go places with him. I think maybe it would sound better if you said that is parents tottaly trusted him , he did it all the time, ect. ect. because when you say his parents were warning him so much then he just disobeys them, it sounds strange. Instead you could say that he always went to the park with Jake, nothing bad ever happened and he didn't think anything bad would happen.
Also, and this is just a little thing, usually when you throw a phone at the floor, it doesn't break. Instead, you could say that he snapped it in two or something. Another small thing, the word convincing is repeated in the first paragraph.
I also have no idea about how much time passed between when Jake was kidnapped and when the Monopoly Killer sent the note. I'm not sure if the Monopoly killer was planning on abducting Jake or just saw him alone and grabbed him. When he says "I've been watching you for the past week" I'm not sure if the past week includeds before Jake was kidnapped or not.
All in all, I really liked it, good work.

Much, much better.
The spacing works wonders also, very nicely done.
I actually adore this now and there are very few things I would change, though perhaps I would suggest to put the letter in italics.
Hello, Josh. Yes, I know your name, your brother is very talkative. He’s still alive by the way, for now. I assume you want him back? He keeps saying how you’ll come and get him. All you’ve got to do is bring me $10,000 and I’ll give him right back. 4060 Rosewood. 8 am sharp. Be there and tell no one. You tell anyone, even your best friend Craig, and I’ll kill him.
- Charles Darrow
It's just a little unclear as to where it starts seeing as it's written in the same style as the rest of the piece.
Speaking of style I really like the way you've done this one, it sounds almost like someone giving a police report but then towards the end it becomes apparent that it's not, again, very nicely done.
I also agree with CaseySaz about the tight parents and I'm very glad that's been changed.
Much, much better.

Laramie.
xox

Laramie wrote:Much, much better.
The spacing works wonders also, very nicely done.
I actually adore this now and there are very few things I would change, though perhaps I would suggest to put the letter in italics.
Hello, Josh. Yes, I know your name, your brother is very talkative. He’s still alive by the way, for now. I assume you want him back? He keeps saying how you’ll come and get him. All you’ve got to do is bring me $10,000 and I’ll give him right back. 4060 Rosewood. 8 am sharp. Be there and tell no one. You tell anyone, even your best friend Craig, and I’ll kill him.
- Charles Darrow
It's just a little unclear as to where it starts seeing as it's written in the same style as the rest of the piece.
Speaking of style I really like the way you've done this one, it sounds almost like someone giving a police report but then towards the end it becomes apparent that it's not, again, very nicely done.
I also agree with CaseySaz about the tight parents and I'm very glad that's been changed.
Much, much better.

Laramie.
xox

Yeah sorry about the letter, in my formatted .doc version, the letter is in a different font and is spaced centered and all that jazz. It's much easier to read in my formatted version but I didn't feel like playing with it on here. Yeah I'm lazy =P

RGallagher wrote:This is the 4th draft of this short story. Lemme know if you guys think anything is confusing or needs more detail.

Stop and Smell the Roses
By: Ralph Gallagher
Henri Fredric Amiel once said, "Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over flesh - that is to say, over fear... Heroism is the dazzling and brilliant concentration of courage."

I like the use of this quote, but perhaps you could incorporate it somehow.

Everything had started innocently enough, I know that sounds a little cliché, but hey, it’s true.

I'd skip this entirely.

Finally the lecture ended and we were able to leave.

how about including part of said lecture? something to foreshadow?

The two of us had driven to the local park where we played Frisbee and some catch for a while.

here's a good place to show how well the mc takes care of his brother. perhaps insisting he secure the seatbelt before the car is even started

The next two days were hell.

how about some detail, building tension?

The Monopoly Killer, as the media dubbed him, was a deranged man who was kidnapping children across the country.

obviously he is deranged, perhaps some more media info could be inserted here

He spun me around. “I trust you didn’t tell anyone about this?” he asked staring into my eyes.

this seems too kind, the wording at least

I slid out the Stiletto knife that I had taken from my father’s den and concealed on my belt. As I crept over to the man, I flipped the Stiletto’s blade out.

some sort of foreshadowing might help, though sometimes complete surprise works for the reader too

Fear. It can be a powerful stopping power, but it can also be the strongest motivation. Eventually, we all must face our fears.

powerful power is redundant

overall I see a lot of improvement from the first drafts I read. Keep at it!

Hey there Ralph! Here as requested. Oh, feel honoured, because this is my 200th review. xDDD

Henri Fredric Amiel once said, "Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over flesh - that is to say, over fear... Heroism is the dazzling and brilliant concentration of courage."

This doesn't sound right if it's put directly into the story. It would be better as a quote in italics at the start. Savvy?

Everything had started innocently enough, I know that sounds a little cliché, but hey, it’s true.

Whoah. Stop. You should never, never use a cliche and then apologise for it. Cliches on their own are pathetic enough. Using a cliche and then apologising for it is even worse. If you think an idea has been overused to death, then don't use it. Simple enough. Oh; I have another issue with this sentence. It's far too colloquial for my liking. The whole, 'but hey, it's true,' thing. I just...don't like it. It makes it sound more like a blog than a story, which I'm sure you can do better than. Ja?

I didn’t see him anywhere.

This would sound better if you replaced didn't with couldn't.

The hot dogs fell to the ground as I started shouting his name as loud as I could.

Grammar error. Loud should be loudly.

Mom and Dad are going to kill me.

Tense error. 'Are' should be 'were'.

They searched the park extensively but still didn’t find Jake.

'didn't should be 'couldn't.'

The next two days were hell. My father refused to talk to me, blaming me for what happened. My mother wasn’t much better; she locked herself in her room and did nothing but cry. I spent all my time at my best friend Craig’s house. I was basically a nervous wreck, spending most of the time pacing around worrying about Jake. If it wasn’t for Craig, I think I would’ve gone insane.

See my notes below in 'overall comments' about how to show instead of tell.

Hello, Josh. Yes, I know your name, your brother is very talkative. He’s still alive by the way, for now. I assume you want him back? He keeps saying how you’ll come and get him. All you’ve got to do is bring me $10,000 and I’ll give him right back. 4060 Rosewood. 8 am sharp. Be there and tell no one. You tell anyone, even your best friend Craig, and I’ll kill him.

This should all be between quotes.

No. Not Jake. That bastard can’t have him.

Too colloquial. You should rephrase as, ' "No, not Jake," I thought. "That bastard can't have him."

This isn’t real; stuff like this only happens on TV.

You've switched up your tenses. It should be, 'This wasn't real. Stuff like this only happened on TV.'

This can't be happening to me, to Jake.

Again, a tense problem. 'Can't' should be 'couldn't'.

Overall Comments

I stopped nitpicks halfway through because there's no point me telling you the same mistakes again and again. Look at the advice I've given you for that selection of nitpicks and try to find where you've messed up in the other part of the story. Especially watch your tenses, sugah.

I

First things first - you show instead of tell. For most of the story, I felt like I was reading the summarised version, the synopsis. As a result, I found a lot of it quite boring as I wasn't being allowed to experience the action along with the characters, I was being told it all after it happened. One big example of this is here:

Jacob, my six-year-old brother, had begged me to take him to the park. Normally, my parents would take him but, Jake was at the age where he’d rather do things with his older brother, instead of his parents. At 18, I was convinced that I was old enough to look after him; my parents on the other hand, were rather reluctant to let me take him.
When we finally convinced them to let me take him, their permission accompanied a long list of rules. Don’t let him out of your sight, hold his hand if you cross a street, don’t let him talk to strangers, don’t let him go to the bathroom alone. I stood there and rolled my eyes, trying to drown out her insistent nagging. Finally the lecture ended and we were able to leave. The two of us had driven to the local park where we played Frisbee and some catch for a while. Around noon, Jake started to get hungry. I left him in the field, playing with the ball, while I went and got us some hot dogs.
When I returned, our gloves, the ball and the Frisbee were laying on the ground. But Jake was gone.

Nearly anyone who's ever posted a piece on this site has heard the infamous advice, YWS's pet peeve: “Show, don’t tell.” I wrote an article on it, and have copied parts of it here, to explain it better to you.

Those three words can be incredibly frustrating to any writer. You might not know exactly what “show, don’t tell” means. Or you might believe that you are showing when in fact, you’re really telling.

"Telling" can actually be useful. Yes, that's right. It can sometimes even be necessary. But the problem is that most people don’t realize how vital “showing” is if you want to write an effective story, essay, even a blog post. Showing allows the reader to follow the author into the moment, to see and feel and experience what the author has experienced. Using the proper balance of showing and telling will make your writing more interesting and effective.

“Okay, I get it,” you’re thinking. “But how do I do it? How can I really 'show' in my writing?"

I’m glad you asked. Here are some tips I follow that will help make your writing more vivid, alive, and interesting for your prospective reader.

1. Use dialogue

This is probably one of the first things I consider when trying to bring more showing into my writing, and it is also one of the easiest. Dialogue in a story allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were really in it. It prevents those long, info-dump paragraphs that sound like the writer is summarising the story instead of giving us the fresh version. For example, instead of telling the reader that your villain is scheming, they can see it for themselves:

“I have devised a cunning plan," Sir Evil cackled, rubbing clawed hands together, "I have the feeling it's going to be quite...effective."

Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood as well as giving your readers insight into the amazing worlds revolving inside your head.

2. Use sensory language

For a story to be incredible, readers need to fully experience what you're writing about. They need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Don't give the reader huge info-dumps summarising events in your stories. Stop and smell the roses, as they say. Don't give us exposition, summarization, and description. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

3. Be descriptive

You probably remember the days you got taught how to use adjectives and adverbs in primary school. In critiques, you often get told to be more descriptive. In those instances, it is very easy to go back to those things we were thought. However being descriptive is more than just looking up purdy adjectives in your Oxford Concise and inserting them. As writers, we should carefully select the right words, see which ones fit better and ameliorate the flow, as well as converying your meaning by using them sparingly.

The following example is from a short story I wrote.

Telling: A girl was standing on a hill, looking at the bay and waiting for the sunset to happen.

Technically, there is nothing wrong with that sentence. It gives the reader some basic information. However, it doesn't create a visual image. Compare that sentence with this:

Showing: She stood upon the hilltop, the dry-gold grass whispering against her calves as she looked out to the bay. In a few minutes, the sun would begin to set behind her, and she would be able to see the orange-gold and pinks reflected in the clouds and in the deep waters of the eastern beach. She knew for a fact that it would be beautiful- she had been coming to this spot to watch the sunset since she was a child, and it never ceased to amaze her just how spectacular it was every time.

The second example takes that basic information that we need to contrust a sentence, and paints a picture with it.

Warning: When using description, it’s important not to overdo it. Otherwise, you can end up with what I call a “police blotter” description. For example:

She was short and skinny with blue eyes. She was wearing a pink dress, a green cord jacket and trainers.

4. Be specific, not vague

Some people think that using vague, nebulous abstractions makes them sound more intellectual and poetic, but all it does is detract from your original meaning, as well as frustrate the reader. We want to get to the flesh of your story, not get distracted by a mist of meaningless words. Use concrete words - words that you can feel and visualise. A rose, a stone, a clock are all concrete words. Avoid from throwing in a string of concepts - Love, hate, passion. Instead, show how these concepts apply to your writing. You're not banned from using them - but mix the concrete.

For example, instead of, “He felt anger, fury, wrath,” take the time to try and describe what that feeling was, and then decide how best to convey that feeling to the reader. For example, 'His fist crashed down on the table, making the glasses wobble. Spittle emerged from his mouth and his jugular veins bulged with the effort of containing himself. Pacing across the room, it was all he could do not to scream.'

II

Another thing I noticed was, a lot of things happened in this story, but I didn't find myself caring about it. Action and stuff happening is great, but if we don't care about your characters, it's a disaster. I think you should have executed this all much more gradually, maybe divised it up into different parts, to give us time to get to know and empathise with your characters. So a boy got kidnapped, which is normally a devastating event and a chance to evoke great sympathy and emotion in your prospective reader. But, to put it bluntly, I don't care about it at all. I don't know much about these two brothers' relationship, I don't know the main character's personality, so I can't empathise, and therefore I don't really care about this horrible situation he's in. You need to flesh it out a lot more, put meat on the skeleton's bones. I don't know anything about your main character: give him flaws, weaknesses, a history, interests. You need to get to your character's core. He can't be interesting unless he has, well, interests. He needs a goal, something he wants to achieve. There's nothing interesting or unique about him, he's really very 2-Dimensional. So bring him out into the 3-D world! ^_^ Let me believe in him, let me care about him, let me understand him.

III

I noticed you switched tenses a lot. You reversed to present, when you're actually writing a past, which is also a result of your colloquialisms [see next part.] In general . . .

Do not switch from one tense to another unless the timing of an action demands that you do.

Keep verb tense consistent in sentences and paragraphs.

Keep tenses consistent within sentences.

Do not change tenses when there is no time change for the action.

IV

While it may be acceptable in friendly e-mail or in chat rooms, excessive colloquialism can diminish the quality of a formal written text. Avoid using common colloquial words and expressions, as listed below. Again, these are words that, while acceptable in speech, should not be used in formal writing. Colloquial words and phrases are called "colloquialisms." There are also solecisms, such as "ain’t," which are grammatical errors. Finally, there are nonwords, combination of letters and characters that do not form real words, such as "alot." If you are in doubt about a certain word, look it up in the dictionary. If the dictionary makes no comment about it, but it sounds informal to you, consult another dictionary. A dictionary will label an incorrect word such as "ain’t" as "Nonstandard" and informal word as "informal," "colloquial," or "slang." Some dictionaries also include phrases. For example, when you look up "to put up with" ("to tolerate") in the dictionary, you will see that it is informal.
Your presentation may be improved by applying the following techniques:

Understand the difference between formal and informal English. Informal English involves writing as if you were in conversation, but this may lead to grammatical error. Speaking informally may result with a listener feeling more comfortable, but writing informally may result with a reader thinking less of you. One style may be more easily attained, but it is important to determine the use and effectiveness of each style.

"Omit needless words." Some adverbs and phrases significantly reduce the formality of your writing while adding little to it. A good phrase to delete is "you know." This phrase implies that you know what the reader knows or is thinking while reading your paper; you do not have this power. Some adverbs, such as "well" starting a sentence, often are needless. Starting a sentence with "well" can be useful in everyday writing as a way to contrast the sentence with what came before. Many writers, however, use "well" too often.

Avoid contractions. Contractions dramatically reduce the formality of your composition. Depending on how formal you need to be, you may want to avoid all contractions or use fewer contractions in your writing than you would use in your speech. "Cannot" is preferable to "can’t" in formal contexts. Some contractions such as "o’clock" (for "of the clock") are so commonplace that they are condemned in only the most formal writing.

Try to avoid the first and second person. Formal writing often tries to be objective, and "you" tend to imply subjectivity. You fell into this trap because you started addressing the reader, so try to edit all such happenings out.

V

Anyway, good luck! I'm sorry this was so harsh, but I am here to help, after all, and I'm sure you'd rather have a review that tore your work apart than a review full of empty praise. I'm only cruel to be kind. If you have any issues/questions, don't hesitate to PM me. You have a good idea here, you just need to work on structuring and fleshing it out.

Good luck!

-Sarah

So here's the thing.

I'm not entirely sure what the point of this story is. Which is to say, how do you want your readers to react throughout the story? Do you want them to be scared at the beginning? Do you want them to be worrying over Jake? Do you want them to be surprised when Josh defends his brother? I don't know what you want the reader to get out of the story — what you want them to feel, and think during and after the story.

Knowing this is imperative because it lets you figure out how you want to frame every single scene. When Jake gets kidnapped, are we supposed to be surprised? Are we supposed to be concerned? Are we supposed to feel for Josh for stupidly letting a small child out of his sight when he could have just as easily brought him along when he got hot dogs?

A lot of this story lacks emotional punch. Don't get me wrong, you've got a good idea, the Monopoly Killer premise is neat, and this story (if you work at it) will be something really really interesting to read. But I think you need to go through every single scene (the park scene, the next two days, when he finds the ransom note, etc.) and decide how you want it to feel, and how you want the audience to feel about what's happening.

I don't know if this makes sense; I know it's a bit of a nebulous concept, but I'll try and illustrate with the first scene.

Henri Fredric Amiel once said, "Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over flesh - that is to say, over fear... Heroism is the dazzling and brilliant concentration of courage."

Before I start looking at the scene itself, I wanted to look at this quote. What's the point of this? I guess it establishes the scene at the end, but it feels ... unnecessary. And more than unnecessary, it immediately clues the readers in on what will happen at the end. I don't know if that's an effect that you were going for, and if you were, I can honestly say I don't know why. It kills the emotional impact of the story, which is a boy finding the heroism within him to save the one person he deeply and truly loves.

(Also, the quote feels shoehorned into the story. Starting with a quote makes it feel like an essay, not a narrative.)

Okay. On to the first scene.

Everything had started innocently enough, I know that sounds a little cliché, but hey, it’s true.

This makes the audience immediately aware of what will happen. Talk about a little boy in a park, plus something awful happening, and most people will connect the dots before the characters even arrive at the park. Again, is that an effect you are going for? If it is, to what end? What do you want it to achieve by this?

I really don't think you need that sentence in the story. Unless, again, you are going for some kind of effect — and if you are indeed trying to achieve something by putting that phrase in there, you have to decide what it is and how you will bring that across in the rest of the scene.

Everything had started innocently enough, I know that sounds a little cliché, but hey, it’s true. Jacob, my six-year-old brother, had begged me to take him to the park. Normally, my parents would take him but, Jake was at the age where he’d rather do things with his older brother, instead of his parents. At 18, I was convinced that I was old enough to look after him; my parents on the other hand, were rather reluctant to let me take him.

When we finally convinced them to let me take him, their permission accompanied a long list of rules. Don’t let him out of your sight, hold his hand if you cross a street, don’t let him talk to strangers, don’t let him go to the bathroom alone. I stood there and rolled my eyes, trying to drown out her insistent nagging.

Finally the lecture ended and we were able to leave. The two of us had driven to the local park where we played Frisbee and some catch for a while. Around noon, Jake started to get hungry. I left him in the field, playing with the ball, while I went and got us some hot dogs.

This feels more like an outline of a story than the story itself. It lacks any kind of detail, anything that will place the audience in the story instead of on the outside looking in. Here's where that old and unfortunate (but still very apt) cliche comes into play. Show, don't tell. Instead of info-dumping about Jason wanting to go with his cooler older brother instead of his parents, and his parents being reluctant to let them go, create a scene with dialogue that illustrates all of those bits of the story. Have Jake overeager to go with his brother, his parents do something like, "Well, I don't know ..." Maybe Josh says, "Come on, I'm a big boy, I can handle the both of us." As the boys are leaving, their parents can shout all of the rules behind them. Maybe Josh brushes them off with a "Jeez, I know, I know!" or something equally flippant.

Or something. That's a craptacular example, but you get the idea, right? Instead of flat-out telling us what the parents said, show us, through their dialogue, through their movements and expressions, how they're thinking and feeling. The great side effect of this is that we get to know Jake and Josh a little better, which will help us empathize with them in the paragraphs to come.

Finally the lecture ended and we were able to leave. The two of us had driven to the local park where we played Frisbee and some catch for a while. Around noon, Jake started to get hungry. I left him in the field, playing with the ball, while I went and got us some hot dogs.

When I returned, our gloves, the ball and the Frisbee were laying on the ground. But Jake was gone.

“Jake?” I yelled. “Where are you?”

I turned in a circle and looked around. “Jake!” I kept yelling. I didn’t see him anywhere.

The hot dogs fell to the ground as I started shouting his name as loud as I could. I ran through the park looking for him. I checked all the fields, the bathrooms, even the woods. Jake wasn’t there.

I started to panic. Mom and Dad are going to kill me. I pulled my phone out and tried to call my parents. Within minutes they arrived followed by a cop. They searched the park extensively but still didn’t find Jake. My mother was in tears within an hour.

This is better. You're telling the actual story, now — there's less telling and more showing, but here the problem is that you only give us the most important actions. He goes to get hot dogs. He comes back and Jake isn't there. He drops the hot dogs. He calls his parents. The cops arrive. And so forth.

You also need the details. The details are the bits that build the emotional resonance of the story, the empathy with the characters — they're the bits that genuinely pull your readers in, make them feel like they are experiencing all of the things that Josh is experiencing, and feeling all of the things that he is feeling.

You need us to be able to see this scene clearly. Is this a little park or a big park? Are there other people there? A jungle gym? When they play ball, is Jake any good? Does Josh have to teach him? Do they talk, laugh, banter? This would be a great opportunity to show the bond between Josh and Jake, to show that Josh really is very close with his brother, that he acts differently around him. Maybe he's very patient with him, shows him how to throw the ball properly. Describe the little things: the way the ball arcs through the air when Jake figures out how to do it right, Josh picking him up and swinging him around, little silly stuff like that makes a story for an audience.

(Again, don't feel at all obligated to use my examples, they're made in the rush of the moment and not very great.)

And then, when he can't find Jake. How does he react? What is he feeling? You mention that he drops the hot dogs; that's a good start. Now, details. Maybe the sky is suddenly too bright and he can't breathe for a second, maybe he feels a little sick in his stomach, maybe his hands start to shake. Little things like this give away his emotional state much better than saying, "He felt awful," or "He started to panic," because it makes it more visceral and more real.

Like I said before, I know this is a bit of a nebulous concept and I hope it makes sense, what I'm trying to say. I just went through the first scene and tried to explain how you could make the events that happen within it more memorable, but you have to go through every single scene and do that. I think you have the beginnings of what could be a cool story, but it really needs that emotional oomph that brings the reader into it.

If you want me to clarify anything, or have any questions, feel free to PM me. : )

WOW, you got a lot of reviews for this! it was a good story and I liked the plot line, but you, and a lot of other people on this site need to work on the show and not tell think. its kind of the opposite for me, because I can easily add in a whole lot of crap, so I have to work on making my work clear to understand, But back to you. The easiest way to show and not tell:
imagine being at the scene, you are the main character ... What are the aromas in the air, do they make you feel at home or like you want to puke? what is the temperature like, do you feel cold or hot? what sort of background noises are there, do the mosquitoes buzzing seem loud and incessant? are you trying to concentrate, or are you doing it purely by instinct, letting your mind take you along for the ride? think about what you are doing, are you touching something? Is it cold? does the feel of it against your skin make it seem natural, or is it heavy in your hand? What are you feeling? do you feel shocked with remorse for taking a life, or just happy that you aren't dead your self?

These are the things that make you show and not tell...

Thanks for all the reviews! I've been working a lot on this piece and have been trying to work on a lot of the suggestions you guys have made! I've tried to work in more detail and the showing not telling.

Feel free to drop by my 'review for food' thread and ask for a review! topic42126.html

I really like this, it kept me hooked the whole time. I want more though.
The ending left me hanging a little. I want to see his mother when she sees her little boy, jake, alive in the hospital. His father's reaction could go a number of ways. That would be interesting to see.
So there are some things you could expand on. Generally, it's really good. And also, it would help for you to build up the relationship between Josh and Jake. And maybe the parents. It might help for you to make your audience care more about Jake before he gets kidnapped.
Great job
I'm looking forward to reading more if you continue it

I just put of a new version of this, and I would love some more feedback and suggestions! Thanks!