z

Young Writers Society


Shattered Mirrors



Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 27
Sun Mar 22, 2009 12:17 am
Saphirra says...



This my second attempt at writing, my first being Hidden Evil, which i'm still writing. Please review! :wink:


Jessica smiled at me, leaning back in her chair as she stretched. Even though she had just had a baby, she looked as fit and young as ever. "Eric, I'm the luckiest woman alive!" she declared, looking lovingly at Michael. Her husband and my life-long friend smiled back, squeezing her hand lightly as he held his nine-month-old son in his tanned arm.
They looked at me, and then Michael broke the news. "Eric, you are going to have another god child!" His voice brimmed with happiness and youth, and he lightly placed his hand on Jessica's stomach. My mouth dropped open and I brushed my slightly long blond hair out of my eyes.
"Wow! Congratulations! Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?" Jessica shook her head, beaming at Michael and me. "Not yet. We want it to be a surprise." I looked at them, slightly envious. Michael got up, going into my kitchen as he called over his shoulder, "I'll warm up the bottle for Chris!" I smiled and nodded, and turned back to Jessica.
"Wow! I'm in shock! I never would have imagined this would be the outcome of me introducing both of you!" she smiled and nodded. The phone rang from the living room, and I went to answer it, motioning that I would be right back.
"Hello?" the voice on the other end took away all the happiness that I had felt at the good news. "We have considered your proposal. We have the money. Five million dollars." It was Ellen Murdock. Desperate for money, I had offered to do any job for a sum of money.
I wasn't going to ask for or borrow money from Michael or Jessica, not when they had a kid, and another one coming. But Ellen was ruthless, and I knew there was a chance I might have to do something illegal. But if it enabled me to continue living well, then I would do it. "Okay..." I said slowly, cautious. "What job do you want me to do?" Ellen paused on the other end of the phone, and then spoke in a quiet deadly voice. "Shoot Jessica and Michael Pressler. That's all we ask." I almost dropped the phone. "NO!" I lowered my voice so the others couldn't hear. "I won't do that! Who the hell do you think you are?" Ellen's unpleasant laugh crackled through the phone. "I'm the woman who has your mother hostage. You shoot them; you get the five million and your mother back unharmed. You don't, they die anyway, and so does your mother. The money stays with us."

"I don't believe you. My mother is in Europe." My voice was firm, conveying none of the terror I felt building up. "That's not true." the voice on the other end was cruel. "Here, why don't you talk to her."
There was background noise, and then my mothers voice came on. Scared and confused, she was obviously at her wits end. "Eric! What’s going on? Why do they want you to do something?" There was no mistaking her voice. "Mom, don't worry, I'll get you out of there!" I had no idea how, and my voice sounded weak and scared to myself.
I heard Jessica and Michael murmuring in the background, and baby Chris laugh. Ellen was back on the line. "Now do what we say." How could I? I felt an invisible box closing in, trapping me. The first wall had been put in place when I had been conned into loaning money, and the second one when I was told to contact Ellen if I had financial problems.
What could I do? I needed to get out of this. "You don't understand. Jessica is pregnant!” I whispered harshly over the phone, my voice cracking. That same crackly laugh came again, and Ellen's voice sounded purely evil as she said, "I know. The child is the problem."
I sank onto my black leather couch, feeling faint. "What do you mean?" I whispered. Such malice, sure pure evil was inconceivable. "We demand, you obey, no questions asked." The voice was cold, the words final. I had no choice.
"Please!" I begged into the phone. "You have twenty four hours." Came Ellen's voice, and then the line went dead. From the dining room, Jessica's voice came. "Eric, are you okay?" I took a deep breath, composing my face as tried to breathe normally.
"Fine!" I called out when my voice wouldn't betray me. I walked slowly back to the dining room, where Michael and Jessica sat smiling at me.
"I think Chris wants to sit with you, Eric." Michael laughed and handed the squirming baby over, and I almost burst into tears at the sight of the bright happy family before me.
I took Chris, automatically extending my finger. Chris squeezed it tight, and I felt an invisible vise tighten around my neck as I struggled to speak casually. "You'll grow up to be big and strong, you know that?" I whispered to Chris.
I looked up, forcing myself to look Michael in the eyes. "I need to go get something, but I'll be right back, okay?" Michael nodded, still slightly worried.
"Are you sure nothing is wrong Eric? You look kind of sick." I shook my head. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me." I choked out before stumbling out of the room. I could only keep up a facade for so long. I steeled myself, then quickly walked to the bedroom to where I kept the gun I had used in military training. I needed to get this over with. Please God, show me a way out. I walked back to the dining room slowly, breathing unevenly.
"Michael?" I called down the hall, a pit of dread in my stomach. "Yeah? Are you okay?" I heard the scraping of a chair against the floor, and Michael came out of the room to talk to me. When I saw him turn the corner, I leveled the gun, closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger.
The gun made a small sound, quieted by the silencer on the end. Michael jerked back in surprise, and fell to the ground with a bullet through his head. I fell to my knees as well, unable to stop the feeling of agony coursing through me. The other chair scraped back as Jessica stood up. "What happened? Michael?"
Her voice had an edge of panic to it, and she walked quickly around the corner. I saw her stand there, an expression of shock, betrayal, and hurt on her face. She fell to her knees beside Michael, and looked at me with an expression of hate so complete it staggered me. But I knew Jessica well enough to see the pain, the sadness, the confusion and betrayal she tried to hide in her eyes.
"Why?" she asked, her voice breaking. "I'm sorry." My voice was a whisper almost lost in the silence. Then I pulled the trigger for the second time, and Jessica collapsed. She wasn't dead yet though. Lying over Michael, she twisted in agony as her life's blood seeped out of her.
"Time has a way of righting itself, Eric. Because time is a mirror, and it reflects the past, the present and the future. I'll never forgive you." Her voice was strangled, blood leaking out of the corner of her mouth.
I stood stunned, completely shell-shocked. I was obviously having a horrible nightmare. That's what I thought, until Jessica's eyes glazed over and she went limp. From the dining room, Chris started to cry. Numbly, I stood and went to him, leaving the gun and the two dead bodies.
"Its okay Chris. Don't cry." And Chris looked at me and smiled, his flashing white baby teeth small and pure. And then the phone rang. Giving it a blank look, I slowly picked it up. I couldn't possibly be awake.
"Hello?" My voice sounded wrong to my ears, dead and flat.
"I'm glad you kept the bargain, Eric." It was Ellen.
"No. Please no." I whispered. "Now, now, Eric. Not feeling guilty, are we?" The crackling laugh came through the wire again, and I flinched.
"The money has been sent to your mothers bank account, so maybe if you're nice, she'll give you some. And the bodies have been disposed of." I dropped the phone, and ran to the hall.
Only stains of blood remained, and no one was in the house. Terrified, I ran to Chris and picked him up as I grabbed the phone. "How?" Ellen ignored me. "God damn it! Give them back! You can't dump them in some unmarked grave! I don't want the money anymore. It’s all blood money! Just give it back."
The voice on the other end was suddenly hard. "I don't like that tone of voice, Eric. Maybe you need to be taught a lesson." Another voice came on the line.
"Eric! Eric, they’re hurting me. Make them stop! Please!" my mothers voice rose to a scream at the end, and I echoed it as a shot was heard through the other end.
"See, Eric. Now you have learned your lesson. Paid for by your mother. Don't worry, the money is still there." The line went dead, and I clutched Chris to my chest as I fell to the ground and sobbed. Jessica was right.
Time was a mirror. And it reflected the injustice of life, then righted it. I stopped crying to look at Chris. He stared back, his young face worried, and suddenly I knew. I could repay the debt of blood.
Solemnly looking at Chris, I raised my hand and placed it lightly on his head of black hair.
"Christopher Michael Pressler, I now name you Christopher Michael O'Brien." And from that moment, I started a new life.
Last edited by Saphirra on Sun Mar 22, 2009 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”
  





User avatar
115 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1422
Reviews: 115
Sun Mar 22, 2009 1:15 am
mhmmcolleenx0 says...



Hey. Just so you know, you have at least six things posted on the first page of this forum. Maybe, if you didn't post quite so much you'd get more reviews. Just a suggestion, sorry if that sounded harsh.

Ellen paused on the other end of the phone, and then spoke in a quiet deadly voice. "Shoot Jessica and Michael Pressler. That's all we ask." I almost dropped the phone. Make a new paragraph here"NO!" I lowered my voice so the others couldn't hear. "I won't do that! Who the hell do you think you are?" Ellen's unpleasant laugh crackled through the phone. Make a new paragraph here"I'm the woman who has your mother hostage. You shoot them; you get the five million and your mother back unharmed. You don't, they die anyway, and so does your mother. The money stays with us."

When a new person starts speaking, start a new paragraph.

"I don't believe you. My mother is in Europe." My voice was firm, conveying none of the terror I felt building up.Make a new paragraph here "That's not true." the voice on the other end was cruel. "Here, why don't you talk to her," there was background noise, and then my mothers voice came on. Scared and confused, she was obviously at her wits end. Make a new paragraph here"Eric! What’s going on? Why do they want you to do something?"

Just the same stuff.

There was no mistaking her voice. "Mom, don't worry, I'll get you out of there!" I had no idea how, and my voice sounded weak and scared [s]to myself[/s]. I heard Jessica and Michael murmuring in the background, and baby Chris laugh. Ellen was back on the line.Make a new paragraph here. "Now do what we say." How could I? I felt an invisible box closing in, trapping me. The first wall had been put in place when I had been conned into loaning money, and the second one when I was told to contact Ellen if I had financial problems.


What could I do? I needed to get out of this. "You don't understand. Jessica is pregnant!” I whispered harshly over the phone, my voice cracking. Make a new paragraph hereThat same crackly laugh came again, and Ellen's voice sounded purely evil as she said, "I know. The child is the problem." I sank onto my black leather couch, feeling faint. "What do you mean?" I whispered. Such malice, sure pure evil was inconceivable


The rest just had the same mistakes. Wow, this was really intense and I liked it. You'll have to continue it because you had a good cliffhanger.

Your dialogue could get confusing since you didn't separate it into paragraphs when I new person spoke. There weren't many other errors besides that. Good job! Maybe wait a little bit before posting again? :D
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 27
Sun Mar 22, 2009 1:20 am
Saphirra says...



cool, thanks. I'll try and space it out. :D
“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Thu Mar 26, 2009 10:03 pm
TheOneWhoIsAwesome says...



Hello, Sapphira. The One Who Is Awesome thinks your story is very interesting, with a compelling concept. However, he thinks small gaps in the storytelling undermine it somewhat.

First of all, he thinks you should add more backstory to how Eric landed himself in this grotesque position. Why is he so hard for money? Would he really do this to his friends?

The One Who Is Awesome also believes that Ellen is a slighty cliche and over-the-top character. He thinks your story would benefit from a calmer, more sinister villian than a downright dastardly one.

However, The One Who Is Awesome thinks you are a very good writer, and hopes to see much more of you and this story in the future.
  





User avatar
113 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2664
Reviews: 113
Fri Apr 03, 2009 1:31 am
emmylou1995 says...



I like this a lot. It was intense and dark, in a way. Same things as Saphirra and The One Who is Awesome said, though. Space out your paragraphs and make the villian, Ellen, more calm in an evil way.
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.
  








The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin