Young Writers Society

Thanks for the review guys!

Kalli: *sends PM* ^_^

Lizzie: *snugglehug* =]

XxxDo

Hmm, I'm not going to go through with bunches of nit-picks and such because I see you've already gotten a healthy amount of reviews, plus I'm sure you can handle local editing on your own. ^_^ Let's see what this is all about then.

I. First Impression

This is a very beautiful and personal story -- it develops the narrator's character VERY well, and I love how you went into every moment of these events and kept it isolated to just this series of events. ^_^ Very well done. The end, however, seems rather abrupt and isn't very satisfying. It seems as though this has happened many times before, yes, but you don't describe that nearly enough to make the narrator's final acceptance as meaningful as you may have meant it.

Even so, this is fantastic. Perhaps go through to cut out some unnecessary words, as I think it gets a bit wordy sometimes, but good work!

II. Comments

I stare at it for a moment, then lift my gaze to what once was a neat stack of money. It has since been transformed to a downright pandemonium of bills, which lie scattered across the rough floorboards of the porch.

Hmmm, this part seems sort of like a tense-change to me. D; Kind of... my pet peeve. I think you'd want to say 'It had since been transformed..., which now lies [lies because you are referring to the pandemonium not the bills... I assume you used it as a collective noun] scattered...'.

I shake my head, clearing it from the countless useless comparisons that I collect whilst I go about my daily business.

Ahhh, alrighty. This explains the overload of comparisons and stuff then. I mean, it seems your narrator goes off on useless tangents which I WOULD recommend cutting if not for the fact that it seems now to be part of the character? >_< Still, maybe cut what you can? Some things, like the description of Hollywood driving, seem like elaboration on comparisons we already know!

filled to the brim with compassion.

Filled to the brim = cliche, yes?

“Daniel, put her down,” I say, my tone friendly and coercing.

I don't quite see how such a direct order can be said in a friendly way... >_< You might want to consider revising one part of that sentence or the other.

I have faith that one day he’ll become that man again, and that with enough effort his troubles can turn into an issue of the past. It has to be possible.

I know that a lot of people feel this way and cling on to relationships long past the time that they should. I think your character development throughout this story is beautiful, but this is one place where it is lacking. Where does this sense of loyalty come from? Make this a bit more prominent so it doesn't seem so empty.

He faces me, pained, his hands, the nails black-rimmed, clawing at his stained shirt nervously.

How might he claw at his shirt? I didn't really understand this image.

Closing my eyes, I feel warm tears trace a path down my cheeks, and hope that this time he truly is sincere, and that his words are not merely a figment of a drunken mind.

As I said before, this ending is rather lackluster. The previous sentence is powerful and is only bogged down by this attempt at tying it all together. Try to find another way to end it with more grace.

Good work! ^_^

-Hannah-

Hey, it's KJ. Here at your request and by an honorary sense of obligation since you have done the same for me

NITPICKS:

“I requested that he leave.” Webb adds

Comma at the end of dialogue with tags, not periods. You do this a few times.

“Put her down, Daniel. Now,” my tone is severe as I take a step towards them.

The m should be capital and the comma a period this time. It's not a tag like he said or she growled, so treat it as if it's separate from the dialogue.

I've often considered whether I'm somewhat ADD.

A.D.D.

it came out sounding like a question more than a statement

See my second point ^ It's the same circumstance.

he rubs the bridge of his nose, appearing rather confused with his own memory.

^

I don't blame him; anyone would be confused after the amounts he appears to have downed today

.
Awkward sentence. Reword somehow. For example: I don't blame him; anyone would be confused after consuming the quantity of alcohol my husband seemed to today. Kind of a bad example, but you see what I mean, right?

My words were a bullet to the heart.

The rest of your story is in present tense. This should be, too.

Going home?” [s]S[/s]she asks, looking at the two of us with youthful optimism.

“Yes, Baby, we’re going home. All of us[s].[/s],” I say, as a smile breaks through on Daniels face.

No need for comma after I say, and you need an apostrophe in Daniels. It's a possessive term.

“I love you.” He tells me, taking a steady step forwards - in more ways than one.

Comma and small h. And there's no need for the s in the forwards.

I love you.” He whispers again

Punctuation error - there's no quotation mark right there. Also, it's supposed to be a comma and a small h. Sorry to sound like a broken record, but there it is.


OVERALL:

Just a few other problems with this.

One, I felt that Sarah changed her mind too fast at the end. She was so pissed, and acting as if his behavior was the last straw. Why, then, did she suddenly let him hold her and have all these warm, lovey-dovey feelings? he's still a drunk, and he still just basically kidnapped their daughter.

Two, the sentence structure. In the very first paragraph - your introduction - it's jerky and short. But then, starting at the second paragraph, all the sentences have commas and drag on. Vary it up a little.

Three, your story line. I didn't really get the point of the start. She was all upset and passes out? Then we're suddenly moving on and she's in the car going to find her daughter? It just seemed to random and moved too fast for me. But then again, it may be just me since no one else seems to have this problem. I did like the part with the Ben Franklin part, though. That made me smile

Lastly, your punctuation. Most of my nitpicks aren't on the writing, but this. I didn't point out all of the errors I spotted, because that would take too long and now you'll be able to spot them out for yourself, so just look at the above section ^

I like the idea of it. As I said, the pace was too quick for my liking, but there the MC's voice is excellent - humorous and at the same time emotional. I would like to see more setting, more of the sky and comparisons to the MC's mood. And it would be nice to try and get into the drunken husband's head, too. Why does he do what he does?

I'm out of time for now, but if you have any more questions or want help with anything else, you know where to find me. Thanks again for your reviews on my own work.

KJ

I'm afraid that it was kind of confusing on the point of view that you used. Its diffificult to understand.

You know I love you Ally, but seriously – do you always have to write so much? This is 12 pages. =/

Anyways, this is one of the two complimentary critiques you get for entering CIA's money contest. The other will come from Bittersweet, CIA's guest judge.

Good luck!

By the way, I'm too lazy to either check for typos or read previous critiques, so I'll most likely leave some typos and repeat things. Sometimes I'll mark grammar or punctuation mistakes, but don't count on it.

nit-picks

My stress does not contribute to the well-being of my house, I can tell you that in all seriousness. I am capable of single-handedly knocking quite some economic value off the property.

Vary the sentence structure up a bit. You're trying to gain the reader's attention here, but so far it's simply repetitive.

I know, rationally,

I'm pretty sure that neither of those commas are needed.

Parents don't necessarily base all their judgment on reason. We're not above human flaws.

Combine those last two sentences with a semi-colon.

As everyone knows; what goes up, must come down.

I'd ditch the 'as everyone knows'. Also, this sentence doesn't really help much.

Sensing some pent-up frustration? You're very much correct.

Don't suddenly address the reader like this. Either have the entire story written this way or none at all. I suggest the latter.

I acknowledge that keeping him away from his own daughter may have been a mistake on my part; but the initial fault lies with him.

Comma, not a semi-colon.

The tension seems to dissapate slowly from her features, smoothening them out, allowing her to once again look her own age - as opposed to some seven years her own senior. Smiling back, her eyes lose their austerity. “In the playroom.”

Since you focus on her appearance so much here, I'd like to have some idea of her actual age. Thirties? Forties? Fifties?

Daniel would never intentionally hurt her, but it's a commonly known fact that alcohol has the nasty tendency to lower one’s opinions as to what is acceptable behaviour. Driving under the influence may suddenly appear to be a dandy idea, for one. On the contrary, it can be deadly.

Add the first sentence to the last paragraph and ditch the second sentence – it sounds too much like a lecture.

I stride into the naturally lit room - the walls lined by tall windows - where Alicia and her peers spend most of their leisure hours. Half a dozen pairs of curious eyes whisk my way, lingering for a mere moment before their attention is claimed by a more fascinating feat. Parents aren't an unordinary sight around here. One pair remains; bright blue crystals shining with joy. Her face splits into a wide smile, her rosy cheeks glowing with bliss.

Ditch the last two sentences, or work them into the next paragraph.

“I love you.” He tells me, taking a steady step forwards - in more ways than one.

Don't shove meaning in our faces.

overall

Honestly? I didn't like it very much. I kinda felt… cheated. You tell me how this woman is freaking out about her daughter, yet you continue to go to different subjects. I don't care about how movie drivers make things look easy, or how Webbs hair matches the wall. It is wordy and useless.

This is an emotional story. You should have the panic and dread of the mother, the relief she feels when she sees her daughter, the adrenaline she feels when she hears her daughter cry, the confusion she feels when she sees her husband. I know you want to push the ADD in, but this isn't the story for it. Focus on the emotions. Cut back words until you have the bare bones of the story, than intensify every emotion.

For example, this is what I would cut in the following example:

I slam the car door[s], pressing my thumb against the electronic lock button on my keychain as I pace towards her. [/s]Approaching, I can see that the lines around her unusually stern grey eyes have deepened with concern, etched into her skin like canyons. [s]Her mouth is set in a straight line, her lips tightly pressed together; a straight channel drawn across the unruly network of ravines. [/s]

[s]I shake my head, clearing it from the countless useless comparisons that I collect whilst I go about my daily business. All kidding aside - [/s]I fully understand the apprehension that radiates off her, for she is the adult in charge of Alicia’s welfare during my daughters half-day stays at the preschool. This responsibility should not be as strenuous a burden as it has become over the past seven months. Ever since Daniel found himself going for the bottom of several bottles at a time, alcohol clawing its way into our lives at an unnerving pace, she has had an increasingly complex task to cope with.

Really, it all happened too fast for any of us to grasp it, until it was already beyond our control. It’s been almost a year – three months of which were spent with us living like a somewhat normal family. Those three months of tending to him as though he was a child were nerve-wrecking, and out of self-preservation I drew the line, walked his drunk ass to the car and brought him to a rehab center. [add something like 'he got out' here.]

[s]Sensing some pent-up frustration? You're very much correct.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t impossible to walk out of there – and so he did, a week into his treatment. Since that day, when I received that dreadful "M'am, I'm afraid your husband has left the premises, along with another member of our AA rehab group," phone call, it has all been going in a downward spiral.[/s] That was when the kidnapping threats started.

[s]I acknowledge that keeping him away from his own daughter may have been a mistake on my part; but the initial fault lies with him.

My bewildered state doesn’t do much to enhance the teacher's sense of comfort, for the abrasions on my arms standing out sharply against my pale skin, the untreated scrape that lines my jaw equally as visible. To her, they probably appear to be the result of domestic violence, for the leap from a father who drinks himself halfway to a coma and then attempts to kidnap his own child, to a husband who knocks his spouse around when he gets down some isn’t unimaginable.

On this account, almost everyone is mistaken; they judge the situation too eagerly. Daniel is many things – a liar, a thief, an alcoholic, and a desperately lost man – but he isn’t, and will never be, a man who beats his wife or child. [/s]

“Mrs. Thomas…” Webb reaches out, resting her hand on my shoulder in a gesture that is filled to the brim with compassion. I [s]glance at her, then [/s]brush past. Pushing open the glass doors that lead into the lightwood foyer of the preschool, I walk in with as much dignity in my composure as I can muster. She [s]gently presses her thick-rimmed glasses higher up on her nose, then [/s]follows in my wake without a word.

Yes, you will have to alter many things - paragraphs, wording, sentences - to be able to cut this much, but you ramble. I don't need the specifics of him leaving AA – just tell me he did. I don't care if the teacher has thick rimmed glasses. I don’t care if people think that she's been abused. All of that are things that I, the reader, can come to a conclusion of on my own. Don't tell me about it. This is an emotional story – focus on the emotions and simply hint at the rest.

Focus and expand on the following parts:

- The moment she finds the money
- The moment she lays eyes on her daughter
- When she hears her daughter cry
- When she sees her husband holding her daughter

Also, I hated the part when she just lets him back in. It's much too sudden, and he seems to come out of his stupor too easily, If she was so afraid of him being near her daughter a moment earlier, why should she be willing to let him live with her? It's unrealistic.

Finally, I would suggest starting with 'I know, rationally, that…' and then continue from there. The beginning isn't needed.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

For me it's only 9 pages in Microsoft Word, and that's when I use a big font o_O it's only 5,000 or so words! Plus, you didn't set a word limit

I actually do address the reader several times in the story, starting with the second half of the very first sentence.

I won't be altering the story much - I quite like it the way it is. It's not perfect, of course, but it's allright, and that's good enough for me. I'm mildly confused, because normally in reviews you tell me to set up atmosphere, and describe people/things/places more, and now that I do it you say I should cut about half of my story. Ouch.

Not everything in this world is rational. Not every decision characters make is based on hours of profound contemplation. The story is quite realistic, my dear. Is it any less realistic than the things that can be seen on the news, daily? Nope.

My characters are human, and us humans happen to be the most unlogical creatures that exist. Fearing what someone could do by accident/while under the influence of alcohol, and at the same time loving that person/wanting to help them/not giving up hope on them are definitely not mutually exclusive concepts. We're complicated beings.

Thanks for the review. Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate that you took the time to review it.

Though, dear... it's a bit harsh to say you "hate" parts of someone's story. Saying you disliked it would've gotten the message across, too. Ouch.

XxxDo

Hey Ally! I'm here for the second of two complimentary reviews for the February CIA contest! I won't nitpick much, since Jen has appeared to have covered that, but I'll go through and tell you what I think.

So, for the beginning. I liked it, but there were a few parts where my interest wavered. It's a little unclear as to how she falls and when she sees the money. Where exactly was the money falling from? You may want to describe this in a little more clearly. But don't change it too much, because it's pretty good the way it is. Just some tidying up is needed.

As for when the money begins falling, I would have liked to see a little more reaction. Sarah was a bit impassive for the situation. Did she automatically realize that it's from Daniel? Was she expecting the money? If not, what does she think about it? Does she consider leaving it there? We, as the readers, need a little more emotion here. Because it were me, I'd be quite full of emotion!

There's point when you start to go off on things that aren't entirely necessary. Such as the part when she describes how Alicia and the other little boy could have been twins. That part wasn't really needed. All we really had to read was that it was a blonde-haired blue-eyed boy. Keep the descriptions fairly simple, so the reader doesn't get bored. We don't need to know if Sarah has A.D.D.

I really liked the mixed feelings that Sarah had for Daniel. She hates him for his alcoholism, but at the same time she still loves the man inside him she once knew. You captured this especially well in the dialogue. You can tell she doesn't want to hate him just by the way she talks to him. Kudos to that!

Anyway, that's really all I have to say for this. Good luck in the contest!
-Holly