Young Writers Society

Author's Note: It had to be under 350 words for this contest, so I made ado with what I had. I need ideas for a TITLE because I don't feel mine is good enough. If you're going to change around my wording, make sure it'll still be under 350, it's currently at 347 (: Thank you. P.S. Ask me to crit anything for you!

You never know what is lurking in the dark. I certainly didn't, and because of my irresponsible mistake, my life has never been the same.
I was sixteen; with top grades, silky brown hair and I used to run track. Oh yes... I lived to run. I sometimes thought my legs were like wings; I could fly like a bird on them and they never gave out until the race was won. Why don't I run anymore? I suppose there's no time. Everyone said that I was elegant, that I'd make something of myself and that I was exactly like my mother. Of all those predictions only one was true. I lost passion just like Mom.
“Emily, get home now!” My mother shrieked at me.
“Okay, hold your horses,”I sighed and hung up the phone reluctantly. My mom was always worrying about me even if I was only two blocks away at my best friend's house.
“See you tomorrow, Jess.”

It was black – and freezing. I couldn't feel my legs. I knew why my mom worried - the Creep Woods. I had to walk through them to get home. As a kid, we all told stories of a sinister witch living there. She ate your toes if they stepped on her property. I stopped believing in those fairy tales years ago though. Sure, it was a little frightening walking through the woods, but I was older now.
“Hey you, come here!”
I heard the command, but only walked more swiftly.
A hand grabbed my shoulder and twisted me around with a firm grip. I couldn't see his face. He wore a mask but I could almost make out a devilish grin. There was pulling, yanking and I tried to scream but my voice escaped me along with my courage. And after it was all done, I laid paralyzed on the floor - my two legs broken.
Finally Mom found me.
Twenty-one months later, it's my miracle son Brendon's first birthday. He's the reason I wake up in the morning. I think I'll go for a run tonight.

I like this...a lot. I'd be really interested to see other entries for this two. You managed to grab and hold my attention and although this should be relatively easy in 347 words, us writers know it isn't as easy s those non-writers think! Lol!

I didn't find any mistakes/grammatical errors or anything that, in my opinion, needed re-jigging so well done!

Maybe, for fun, if you're as sad as me, youcould add some detailed description and see what you come up with. The premise is really intriguing!

I like your story, you've managed to keep it effective and powerful despite being so short- good job!

I found it really hard to think of any possible names for your story! All I could come up with was- My mistake, unplanned, My life, waste, loss. Maybe something along the lines of talent being wasted or fate changing?

I only have a couple of things I would change (bearing in mind you need to keep the word count down)

with top grades, lengthy sand brown hair

I don't like lengthy that much, I'd use long instead and sand to me is what someone would use to describe a person's hair if it was blond not brown, though that might just be me

I could float like a bird on them and they never gave out until the journey was done.

I don't really think of birds floating on wings, I'd use fly instead and not use on them. I'm not too sure about until the journey was done either- perhaps until the race was won or until the end of my journey?

I heard the booming voice at first but I ignored it.

To me booming doesn't sound that scary- order or command might sound better. And instead of just ignoring the voice I think she could maybe walk quicker? For instance- I heard the command, but only walked faster. Or I heard the command, but did not turn round.

These are all just suggestions, I think the story is great as it is!

Hey!

"I was sixteen; with top grades, silky brown hair and I used to run track. "
In this line, a comma would work just as effectively as a semi-colon.

That's the only problem I found with it. You mix up your tenses in some places, so you'll need to proofread for that, but otherwise, I liked this. Poor Emily, though. Emily's my best friend's name, so this creeped me out.
I think describing Brendon as a miracle son is a bit odd. I mean, I get it, and I understand why you said it, but to me, it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the story. I think there's not enough of a transition between the emotions. It's tough when you have a word limit, though. I think you should just play around with those last few sentences. Something like:

"Despite it all, Brendon is my miracle."

Something like that.
Hope this helped!

I'm not really one to nitpick, so I won't try to here. It seems a lot of people are having this problem right now - on YWS, anyhow. They make something that could be longer, cooler, more exciting, and, sometimes, creepier, into something tiring, even boring. Her walking through the 'Creep Woods' could be... really creepy. You could describe the way things smelled, the way the trees swayed in the wind, seeming to reach towards her as she struggled her way through to her mother's house. I mean, if I had a story like this, I'd love to do it like that, to make everything dark and vivid.

But enough about me, how d'you think you could manage it? Shouldn't be that hard; all you need to do is imagine yourself there, instead of it being Emily. What would you do, if you were walking through a dark forest at night, and someone said, 'Hey, you, come here!'

I, for one, would probably almost faint. I'd cast around for somewhere to hide, maybe try to climb a tree. Make it harder for him to find me. And if he does, in the end, have to, well, you know, just make it a little harder for him to find her, make it more like a story and less like a History report. And maybe explain the broken legs thing a little bit better, yes? I doubt getting your legs broken wouldn't constitute some serious pain, a description of some sort. ^_^

Anyhooz, I've gotta go. PM me when you lengthen and perhaps dramatize this a little bit, yes? =DD

-SELA

P.S. I, for one, would suggest you write about something different for the contest, and change this into a longer short story. I just don't think this can work the way you want it to with only 350 to do it with.

Hey there,

This is interesting - you manage to tell quite a story in very few words. Nitpicks have been taken care of by the reviewers that came before me, so I'll just point out a few things that stood out to me.

I was sixteen; with top grades, silky brown hair and I used to run track. I must admit I'm not too fond of this sentence - it feels as though you've tried too hard to condense unrelated pieces of information into a single sentence. You specify that she has "silky brown hair", which doesn't strike me as necessary information in this case.

I lost passion just like Mom. Just like mom, how? What passion did her mother lose? I realize you're under a strict word count, but still... this sentence without any elaboration doesn't quite do the trick.

My mom was always worrying about me even if I was only two blocks away at my best friend's house. You had me thinking she was at her friends house, two blocks away, which made the sudden trip through the Creep Woods confusing. I thought she was two blocks away, so why is she suddenly taking a forest path? Try to clear this up.

And after it was all done, I laid paralyzed on the floor - my two legs broken. Maybe I take things too seriously, but I thought you meant that she was actually paralyzed. Seeing as your last sentence suggests that's not the case, maybe consider using another word there.

The ending is cute ^_^

It's impressive how you managed to tell such a story in less than 350 words. Well done.

XxxDo

"Everyone said [s]that[/s] I was elegant, that I'd make something of myself and [s]that[/s] I was exactly like my mother. Of all those predictions only one was true[s].[/s]; I lost passion, just like Mom. "

That just poked out at me, sorry! You're using personal voice, so when I read it, I don't want to hear anything that I/you wouldn't say in conversation.

" “Emily, get home now!” My mother shrieked at me. "

If you're looking to make the word count a little lower, then you could make this:

“Emily, get home now!” Shrieked mum. >> It goes with the personal voice thing more, but it's up to you!

"I stopped believing in those fairy tales years ago though. "

=

"Although, I stopped believing in those fairy tales years ago . "
Same amount of words, more effective in my opinion!

So she was raped? I think that you should put more into the climax of the story, and cut down on some of the other parts, not sure what to cut out though!

Actually, I liked the fast action. You read thee words, carry on, and then look back when you see the 'son' part. Keep it, or change it, I don't care. It's a good story, You probably don't need the running bit, but that's up to you too!

Sorry for the lame review!

Hello Tennisprincess! Well, this was quite an interesting story for its length. Only 350 words? That's tough! Seeing as you are only three words away from the limit, I will skip the nit-picky stuff.

The Plot:
I liked it. It was short, but I got the message. The rape scene- it was rape, right?- was well written. You used the right words and descriptions, so I could easily picture the scene in my mind. My only advice would be to avoid starting sentences with "and". You started with "and" in the last sentence of that paragraph.
I am assuming she got pregnant from the rape. Her son was a miracle? I know you don't have room to explain this in your story, but I'm curious. Why is he a miracle son? Was Emily not supposed to be able to give birth? Or was he a miracle for some other reason?

The Ending:
I love your ending. It's brilliant. I like how in the beginning you mentioned how Emily used to live for running, but that she didn't run anymore. At the end you see that something has changed about her. It's very cool.

Well done. This held my attention very well, and it was perfect for it's length.
-Winter

Hey!

I was sixteen; with top grades, silky brown hair and I used to run track.

That sentence seems, idk, clunky? It doesn't flow very well.

I lost passion just like Mom.

Huh? What passion? Where the heck did this come from?

“Emily, get home now!” My mother shrieked at me.

At first, it's not obvious that she's talking to her on the phone. You might wanna make that clearer.

My mom was always worrying about me even if I was only two blocks away at my best friend's house.

I have to agree with the other person who said this, it makes it sound like she's only two blocks away. Why would she have to go through the woods if she was only a couple blocks away?

And after it was all done, I laid paralyzed on the floor - my two legs broken.

I also agree, you make it sound like she actually is paralyzed. Maybe say she was paralyzed with fear? Or she laid frozen on the floor?

The ending of this is rather abrupt. I know you're under a word limit and all, but still. You have a nice pace through everything then you get to the end and it's like BAM, she's raped, mother finds her, baby's birthday. It seems really rushed.

Overall I like it though. It's a pretty good piece for being so short.

For being so short, I found it very good. Perhaps an 8 out of 10. It was a very interesting subject, and it played out nicely. The mood was dark and eerie, which I enjoyed. The transitions were a bit rough, you went from a description of the character to the main action which was a bit confusing. Some explanations or more fluid transitions would set that right. All in all, I liked it. Please keep up with your writings, you have skill!!

I liked the way you delivered the story in concise sentences. it made it stronger and more impressing. Its interesting and attention grabbing. However, i agree that you could work more on smooth transitions. overall, really amazing writing! Keep it up!
-Saphirra

Okay! I really like this story. The only thing I have to complain about is the last paragraph. The trasition was a little weird between "Finally Mom found me", and "Twenty-one months later".

*Archer*

hey my names owen and i just wanted to point out a few flaws.
1.you said: SHE ate your toes if they stepped on her property. notice you said SHE, later on in the story you also said: . I couldn't see HIS face. HE wore a mask but I could almost make out a devilish grin. i dont get that you should make it more definitive gender wise.
2. Twenty-one months later, it's my miracle son Brendon's first birthday. i think you should say why he was a miracle child.
3.And after it was all done, I laid paralyzed on the floor - my two legs broken. she is in a forest it is obviously not a floor id use ground.