Young Writers Society

He sits three seats ahead of me, next to her. I have fancied her since as long I can remember more than likely about four years. I used to be friends with the boy that sits three seats ahead of me. We used to be best friends. Brothers, if you will. Over the past year I could tell he liked her. I watched very carefully the way he talks to her, and looks into her eyes, and how she looks in his. I don't pay attention in History class because of this reason, if I'm going to kill someone, I would like to make sure I have my facts straight on why I killed, and to make sure I do it with out notice.
Over the past week of my intense studying of their behavior I saw nothing that would be of the sufficient reason to kill either of them. However, the way they flirt in class had eaten my inside for long enough. I had gone to the point of insanity. Every time I saw him I saw myself killing him anyway I could think.
My father was always a defensive one. He kept explosives as well as fire arms in his shed in our backyard. I guess he thought that more guns we had meant we were safer. He never thought to lock it up, to keep me out or anyone else. I was a young gentle man until I turn a teenager. I always knew they would come in handy some day.
The day finally came, I had about 4 inches long and 1 inch wide of fake C-4 in my back pack with a remote to detonate it. I was walking to school that day, with a smile on my face. I walked behind the school and I saw them kissing. I waited until they were done and she walked away, with a wink to him she went into the school. He sighed "Isn't she great? And an amazing kisser too" He smiled to me
"Yup she sure is, you know, i had the biggest crush on her no too long ago, but im over it now" i said with a smile.
He chuckled and said "yeah, sorry about that man, i know you liked her, but, i knew you were over it" he nudged me. "We're still friends right?"
I chuckled as well "Yeah, you know we are brothers"
"Hey, I got you something, just because I want us to be friends again, ya' know?"
"Thanks dude!" He replied.
I took out the C-4, that was in a box.
"Its kinda a game, here, all you have to do it put this box on your back.." I ran to his back and duck taped the box to his back.
"Um..what the fuck are you doing dude?" He asked
"Oh, just stay calm, its really cool, I saw it on YouTube...And hold this button. Now, if you let go of this button, you will explode. I just attached C-4 to your back"
"Hey man what the fu-"
"Really, I wouldn't want you to die, and neither would she. Now do as i say, and you won't be blown the fuck up, understand?" I said
"W-w-what the fuck do you want?"
I pulled about a pocket knife and cut his arm, "Shut the fuck up!" He started crying.
"Now don't you let go of that button, ok?" I reminded him.
He nodded.
"Now, you know how much I hate you right?" He nodded, "Yes" I agreed.
"You know I'm going to kill you right?" His eyes widened. I got duct tape and taped his thump to the button. I smiled as i duct taped his mouth shut. And i sat him down.
I sighed. "I didn't want to do this, how ever you made me. I loved her, and you, my best friend, took her from me..heh"
He put his head down and his eyes shut. I grabbed his hand and with my pocket Knife cut off the thumb that was holding down the button. He tried to scream, but couldn't because of the Duct tape.
"Isn't that better??" He started crying again.
I stood up. Turned my back with the bloody remote in my hand. He was looking at me. I grabbed his severed thumb and took it off the button, his eyes shut hard and all the tears squeezed out of his eyes. After a minute of sitting there like that he looked up at me. I threw the remote on the ground next to him. I gave him a half smile and walked away.

"Dude, Dude, wake the fuck up, you're gunna get in trouble again".
I woke up from my day dream in History class. I had a puddle of drool below my mouth that i wiped off with my sleeve. "Ugh" i said.
"That's fucking gross!" he laughed.
"What happened?" I asked.
"You feel asleep again, Dip shit."
"oh..sorry"
"what ever" he said
"come on, we gatta go, we got a double date tonight, remeber? we have to get ready"
"Oh, um..yeah" I said.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, I need to drop by my locker to get some books first for the weekend" I said
"Alright, Alright, come on"
I got up from my desk, and got a glimps at his right hand, and his thumb...was missing...

Hey Venak!
Well, this story truly is how love consumes to the point of irrationality and insanity.
Very, very...morbid.
I didn't cringe when I read how he tortured his best friend,
But it still freaked me out all the same.
The whole scene when he tortures his friend could be improved.
For some reason, when I read it, I was rather nonplussed.
The ending resulted in me looking like this: O_O
Then when I regained my composure,
I realised it was really ambiguous, and makes the reader want answers.
Which could be both good and bad.
Did it really happen? If yes, why are they still friends? What did he do in the end?
And so on and so forth.
Overall, not bad, but could be improved

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:

Yeah, I agree with Meep. It is really morbid. But there is one thing I'd like you to do. As you probably know, here at YWS we have a 2:1 ratio. For every post you need to have two reviews. Got it?
Once you've done that, PM me and I'd love to review this for you!!

Lucy Pennykettle

Alrighty, here we go.

I'll start with some advice that I give a lot of my peers' work, and that is: SLOOOOOOOOOOOW DOWN. The pacing is much, much too quick. There is absolutely no time to get to know the main character, much less care about him. All we see is that he is quite homicidal, and hates another boy (a friend of his? I'm not quite sure) because of his relationship with a girl the protagonist likes. That's about it, though. The main character doesn't feel like...well, anything. I know this is a short story and all, but that doesn't mean you can forsake character development for plot. As is, the main character comes off an unlikeable piece of shit, and why would I want to read about someone like that? You need to show me why I should sympathize with this guy, and why I should want him to kill the other boy. Make me feel the protagonist's jealousy and rage.

There were also a lot of spelling and grammar errors, which I'd rather not point out because someone else inevitably will, and because it would seem pointless, as a good read over or two on your part would let you spot and correct most of them. The rampant cursing also seemed quite pointless. I have nothing against swearing, even constantly, as long as it makes sense. To me, it all just seemed like cursing for cursing's sake, and in writing the last thing you want to do is indulge in something just because you can.

I know I'm probably coming off as mean, but I have to be honest. It's the only way you're going to get better. In its current state, there is absolutely nothing in this story that interests or moves me. Only practice and following others' advice can turn anyone into a good writer. Keep writing, and don't get discouraged. Hopefully I was at least a little helpful.

To me it seems a bit rough. It's not the content matter I enjoy writing darker stuff too.

But first thing is I think you could have gone a bit further into who this character is, right now he seems one diensional, I didn't even get his name not that that's the most important thing but there just seems to be alot you left out about who he is.

Is this girl the only reason he's doing this? If so you should go into more detail about his infatuation with her and his feelings of rejection when she gets with his best friend.

Has he always been this troubled? If so tell us more about his childhood, life from his point of view ya know?