Young Writers Society

XX Submitted for publishing.

Hi asxz

As you plan on entering this into a competition, I am going to be really aggressive in my review. I am also, for the same reason, going to nitpick it. Now, let's get straight to the review.

Rain pelted the ocean with thousands of miniscule bullets. Through the haze of the downpour, barely meters were visible to any one person. Supercharged clouds released their energy in an angry and violent flash. Each explosion illuminated the sky for a split second, the sudden rise in temperature sending a bellowing roar out to anyone close by.

This entire paragraph seems over the top, and overdone. In fact I'd cut it out, and begin the story with "Joe Blogs..." etc. This paragraph would, I believe, be a beautiful paragraph to start your story.

Spitting out the mouthful if salt water that had caught him unawares

The "if" should be changed to "of" and perhaps this would read better: "He spat out the mouthful of salt water that had caught him unawares as he contemplated..." etc.

he would loose them to hypothermia.

He would "lose" them to hypothermia.

It was a pointless task, more time consuming than the reward you get out; mere minutes added onto your life, more terrible minutes in the shivering cold, more terrible minutes nearly choking in the intense rain.

I would cut this bit out, as you have just told us that it was futile. Besides, it is unclear, and verbose. If however, you decide to keep it, you will need to stop addressing the audience. Instead of using the "you", you could say: "more time consuming than the reward that could be garnered."

burnt into Joe’s retinas

Burned, not burnt. Also, you said a flash of lightning burned his eyelids above. I understand the effect you want to create, but it seems a little overdone.

Even more numbing than the thought of being baked to a crisp, superheated to five thousand times the degrees of the sun in an instant

Is this what he is afraid of, or is he merely afraid of getting stricken by lightning?

refracting through the rain

Perhaps, refracting in the rain's path.

burnt

Once again, should be "burned".

It was impossible. Being so close to death in many ways, so close that he was practically breathing down your neck, and then to see the light.

If you want to personify Death, at least give him a capital letter.

spiffy young man

Doesn't quite work. Replace with: "younger".

His hope bore more resemblance to a growing child wishing for superpowers, rather than a chocolate bar. There was no way that you will get it, but you can wish; there is more use trying for the latter, the chocolate bar, the sweet death he has been promised for almost seventy-five years.

Once again, I would suggest avoiding contact with your audience once again, especially now that you have equated the audience to a child... Also, the metaphor is a little confusing, if you want to use it, consider rewording it.

When he was half way to shore and something spectacular happened.

Kill the "and", and halfway should be one word.

Moving on the bigger and better things.

"onto" not "on the".

The platform he was standing on; the boat steadied it felt like land.

I don't really understand...

The ratty old jacket had sunken, just like his owner.

I suggest you cut out this line. It takes away any imagination that the reader might have had of him surviving. It kills all the mystery. We will suspect he dies anyway.


One final point, many of your semi-colons are not correctly used. I would suggest seeing if you can replace them with other punctuation marks. A semi-colon should be like a diamond: rare, but beautiful.

Anyway, you write really well. Good luck with the competition. Let us know how it goes

Have a good one

Okay. Thanking you, yrclever! The post is now updated... Man, I had a lot of grammar, spelling mistakes in there!

Here as requested! ^_^

Reading it through once, it's okay. It's pretty well-written, but it doesn't really have a lasting impression on me. =/ I think part of it results from the grammatical errors that are floating around {most notably around semi-colons}, but it also comes from a lack of real emotion in the conflict you are trying to portray. You just skim the surface of what the convict is feeling, when you could delve deeper into his thoughts -- what is he thinking of as he's floating in the boat? Surely he's not as selfish as to think only of himself dying.

As if on queue, another flash of lightening burned into Joe’s retinas, he silently but instinctively counted the seconds until thunder: One

The phrase is 'on cue', and you don't need to talk about the lightning burning anything again. Otherwise, take out the one about the eyelids because it didn't make sense anyways. xP Then, you might want to punctuate the end of the sentence like this. "the seconds until thunder. One." ^_^

Even more numbing than the thought of being baked to a crisp, superheated to five thousand times the degrees of the sun in an instant, was another.

=/ Eurm. This is really confusing, because lightning brings both things, so how can he be afraid of two separate elements of lightning?

His frail ands enclosed the wooden handle, and he spent extra time making sure he was in a vice grip.

*hands *grasped (Enclosed makes it seem like he's just trying to keep them contained rather than grasping them for a purpose.) Also, why must his hands be frail? Why would they be frail? xP Then, the last part, you could say "making sure he had the oar in a vice grip", otherwise HE'D be the one in a vice grip and that doesn't make sense. <_<

Sadly, Joe did none of these, in fact, he couldn’t even try.

This is a comma splice. You have two complete sentences and you haven't even tried to connect them except by a comma. Change that middle comma to a period. ^_^

His hope bore more resemblance to a growing child wishing for superpowers, rather than the much more practical chocolate bar. There was no way that he would receive freedom, but you can wish. It would be much better trying for the latter, the sweet release of death; a chocolate bar to the child, death to Joe Blogs.

Eeehhh, this simile is completely lost. The way that you explain it is completely too confusing and if you want to keep it, you'll need to do some major rephrasing to get it to make sense.

What was to come; would exceed what had been.

This was one place where you misused a semi-colon. Neither of the sentences you have here are complete, so you can't connect them with a semi-colon! Just take it out. You don't need any punctuation there.

There was only one thing to do now. Joe took off his saturated coat; it would do more harm than good now.

You used 'now' twice in this very short space of time. Try rewording that, then.

As the beam got closer - that formidable beam of light; signifying death for Joe – neared the small and tattered dingy, He braced himself over the side, evenly casting his weight to hold the boat steady. Mere meters separated him and the beam, when he took a last breath of air, almost all of it water through the rain.

Ehhhhhck. There are many punctuation problems here. >_<; I'd change it to this:

' As the beam got closer (the formidable beam of light that signified death), Joe braced himself over the side of the boat, casting his weight evenly to hold his dinghy steady. Mere meters separated him from the beam when he took a last breath of air. '

=/ I don't really like the last part of the last sentence because it's just confusing. =/ Hopefully that is a more suitable reworking of your sentence, but it's still not very good, so try reworking it yourself! ^_^

Investigation needed on the boat, the engine chugged to life and they kept the flashlight illuminating the half submerged boat as they closed in on it.

"Investigation needed on the boat"? ... D: Oh, just reword it! ^_^

Over all, this is a decent story. You have to fix a few things and might want to consider editing more thoroughly before posting so that reviewers can focus on the substance and not the presentation? ^_^ Anyways, consider my idea for a more personal approach to the convict and GOOD LUCK!

-Hannah-

he he, My name is Hannah too! XD Thanks for the review!

Hi asxz! Really good job here, I'm sure you'll do well in the contest I haven't read through the other comments so sorry if I repeat anything

Oh and in answer to your question, I think that the man is on a boat as an escaped convict when he sees a lighthouse (this is the bit I'm unsure about and will point out later), a light from a ship is coming, but he thinks that they could be intending to capture him. He knows he won't make it to the land this far from it, but decides to jump anyway- that's how I saw the story

The last few minutes he gradually realized that he was loosing feeling in his legs, should he rub them?

I think this would sound better as 'Over the last few minutes he had gradually realized he was loosing feeling in his legs- should he rub them?'

As if on queue, another flash of lightening burned into Joe’s retinas, he silently but instinctively counted the seconds until thunder: One

I'd change the comma after retinas to a full stop.

After some hurried thinking, he realised that the flashes were getting closer, the crack of thunder arriving sooner than ever.

I'm not that keen on 'hurried thinking', there's not really much to think about and I'm not sure about 'sooner than ever'- I think this might sound better as something like 'The flashes were getting closer, the crack of thunder arriving more and more quickly afterwards.'

Barley visible, a faint light was protruding through the haze; refracted in the rain’s path as it guided him to land.
He was closer to being burned, and that meant that he was closer to solid ground.

This is where I became a bit confused When you describe the faint light I thought it was a light house but with the next sentence it sounds as if its the lightning. But then why would the lightening be guiding him towards land, unless its illuminating it I'd make it more clear what the light is- I quite like the idea of a light house so if it was that I would make that clear. If this is just me getting confused then ignore me as I confuse easily

Being so close to Death in many ways, so close that he was practically breathing down your neck, and then to see the light.

When I first read 'he' it confused me a bit so I had to re-read the sentence, I can see what you are doing making death a man but I think it would work better here as just 'it'.
I'd also move the 'so' from after being to before 'many ways'. I think the thoughts on either side of this piece of writing should be spaced a bit apart as well.

His frail ands enclosed the wooden handle, and he spent extra time making sure he was in a vice grip.

ands needs to be hands. I'd rephrase the last part of the sentence as it sounds a bit awkward- maybe something like 'and he made sure his grip was firm'- you can probably come up with something better

The grey cloud of the task ahead lingered over him, remarkably similar to the real ones.

I'd maybe add 'above him' onto the end of 'real ones' to make it clear that you are talking about the clouds over him.

There was no way that he would receive freedom, but you can wish. It would be much better trying for the latter, the sweet release of death; a chocolate bar to the child, death to Joe Blogs.

I'd change 'you can' to 'he could'. I found the second sentence a bit confusing- maybe you could say something about the latter being reliable and miss out 'the sweet release of death' as you say about death afterwards. For instance- 'There was no way that he could receive freedom, but he could wish. It would be much better to try for the reliable latter and not be disappointed; a chocolate bar to the child, death to Joe Blogs.'

He knew he would not make it, but he had no reason to believe that it was a bad thing.

Instead of 'it was' I'd say 'this was'.

Briefly contemplating his actions, Joe decided against it.

You don't say what actions he's thinking of and I think that it might work better if you did, you could mention something after briefly contemplating- instead of just saying 'his actions' you could actually tell the reader what the actions would be (waving his arms for help, shouting, that sort of thing )

The lashing of the waves died out, the lightning faded into the background and all that existed was chasing light, concealing rain and Convict Joe Blogs.

I'd say 'the' chasing light.

There was only one thing to do now. Joe took off his saturated coat; it would do more harm than good now.

I'd get rid of the now on the end of the first sentence as you use it a couple of times in this paragraph and I think it would be more effective without it.

his precious boat that had helped hi so far,

hi needs to be him.

All of this would not happen now. As the beam got closer - that formidable beam of light; signifying death for Joe – neared the small and tattered dingy, He braced himself over the side, evenly casting his weight to hold the boat steady.

I'd re-word the first sentence and make the second a lot clearer. Something like this-
'None of it would happen now. As the beam of light got closer- signifying death for Joe- he braced himself on the edge of the boat. He cast his weight evenly to keep the boat steady.'

Investigation needed on the boat, the engine chugged to life and they kept the flashlight illuminating the half submerged boat as they closed in on it.

You say boat a few times in the last paragraph, I'd miss out 'on the boat' after investigation needed and perhaps work on rewording the rest of the paragraph so that boat does not crop up as much

Overall: This is a great plot and you definitely have a way with description! I can't think of where any more is needed or anything else on the MC, you've done really well there

However, I do think at parts it can get a bit confusing and you might need to make it clearer what you are referring to and what is really going on. The description is brilliant but can sometimes become a bit complicated and may need to be a little simplified. That being said, I do really love this piece! I have a really vivid image in my head of the scene

Good luck in the contest and hope I've helped! *star*

Hi! Thank you for the review, Pippiedooda! The main post is now updated.

I certainly wouldn't use the word retinas twice in the same story, especially not this close together. Use another phrase, such as: another flash of lightning dazzled him.

You asked for me to tell you what I thought he was doing, so:

Calling him a convict, along with the setting seems to put this in the 18th/19th centuries when Australia was used by Britain to send criminals. On the other hand, if this were the case, Australia would be the last place he'd go. he'd stay in Papua New Guinea. Plus the search boat would be wind or steam powered. For these reasons, I changed my mind half way through, deciding it was a modern setting. I think he escaped from a prison in Southeast Asia, probably because of drug trafficking, seing as that seems to be the main crime commited by Westerners there. He is trying to escape to Australia, then New Zealand in a dinghy, but he's being searched for by the authoriteis of Papua New Guinea.

So perhaps don't call him a convict, unless it is set in the 18th or 19th century, in which case give the boat more primitive lighting such as lanterns, and replace it's engine with sails or steam engine (perhaps you did mean a steam engine, but then again, steam engines don't "chug to life")

Thanks hippie! I never thought about having it in the past... Well, I guess that's what you're here for!

Hi, sorry I couldn't get to it sooner. Now, for your review.

Concentrate, he thought, dumping yet another bucket of water overboard, half of it splashing either[b] onto the boat again, or running down his numb and tattered body. His attempts were futile, as each time he emptied his pail, more sea-spray would assail the boat; the water level was steadily rising. If he's in a rough storm, I wouldn't expect the water level to be steadily rising. Waves would be pounding at the boat, and steady isn't exactly common.

The light was a lighthouse, a lighthouse on land; land that was being struck by lightning.

It doesn't look like you need the semi-colon there, since the part after that isn't a complete sentence. A semi-colon is used to join two related sentences together. You can use a comma instead.

[i]I might need you after all; he addressed his rubber gumboots, stolen from a quay last minute in his hurried attempt to escape.

Instead of a semi-colon, you need to put a comma. If you use thoughts or dialogue, and are planning to end a sentence, then you use a comma.

It’s incredible, He corrected himself, its fate.

If you end dialogue or thoughts using a comma, then you don't have to capitalize the 'he'. Also, you Should capitalize the 'It's'. By the way, there's an apostrophe there. Its is the possessive form of it. It's is a contraction for it is.

Reaching out, he felt through the dark sloshing waters for his wooden ore. When he touched the round handle, his hands were juddering so much that they let it go.

That should be 'oar', not ore. An ore is a rock containing crystals. An oar is the thing you use to row a boat. And I don't think that juddering is a word. Maybe you mean shaking or shivering?

In a back and forth motion, it would eventually cast light on his boat, his precious boat that had helped [b]him so far, from the calm waters of Papua New Guinea, through to Australia, where he had hoped his crimes would be forgotten, or overlooked at the least.

This would qualify as a run-on sentence, I think. A run-on sentence happens when you try to jam too many ideas into one sentence. If you do that, people will start getting confused. Try breaking it up into different parts.

Well, that's it for the nitpicks I have. Overall, good story. Has a pretty intriguing plot. I'd guess that Joe is a criminal, escaping from jail. Alcatraz comes to mind. You have a few issues with grammar, but you can fix those up pretty easily. Keep working on it. I'd love to see a prequel to this, and a sequel wouldn't hurt either. Anyway, good luck with all the contests you enter. See ya around again. PM me if you think anything is unclear.

Thank you so much... I have terrible grammar! I have a really bad problem with semi-colons as well! Thank you!

Hey, dear, I'm so terribly sorry that I couldn't get to this quicker, but the war basically consumed all of my time. I hope I'm not too late?

I couldn't help but notice you say that you have an issue with punctuation and semi-colons, so hereis a link to a tutorial I wrote on punctuation. I'd like to know if it makes any sense, so after reading it I'd truly appreciate it if you could tell me how helpful it was.

Alright! Onto the story!

Without any need for calculations, he realised that the flashes were getting closer, the crack of thunder arriving almost instantly after the flash.

The repetition of 'flashes' disrupts your flow. I say this in a lot of critiques, and I'll say it again for you, so you can either change flashes into 'lightning' or 'them'. Kay?

He’s right.

This is a very vague and slightly out of place phrase. Who's right? What are they right in saying or thinking? Is it, "He is right" or is it "He was right". Although I realize that this sentence adds dramatic effect, it doesn't clarify anything and only confuses your reader.

The light was a lighthouse, a lighthouse on land; land that was being struck by lightning.

Joe looked through the water that now layered the base of the boat. I might need you after all; he addressed his rubber gumboots, stolen from a quay last minute in his hurried attempt to escape.

It’s impossible, the thought ran through his mind. Being so close to Death in many ways, so close that he was practically breathing down Joe’s neck, and then; to see the light.

All three of these semi-colons are misplaced, m'dear. They can all be commas. Be sure to check out that tutorial.

his hands were juddering so much that they let it go.

First of all, juddering is an awkward word to use and isn't what you're looking for to describe his shaking hands. You could use shaking, trembling, or any array of synonyms here. And, second of all, the 'they' towards the end sounds a bit funny. You could say 'he let it go' instead of the hands let it go. It's almost like you're blaming your hands and saying that you had nothing to do with releasing the oars, you see?

The grey cloud of the task ahead lingered over him, remarkably similar to the real ones that lurked overhead.

I actually love the image and metaphor you've used here, but I think you should add something to the end of it to clarify which 'real ones' you're talking about. See my additions in bold, but be free to tweak it however you'd like.

Alright, here in this next part, the only thing I have an issue with is how Joe is jumping from thought to thought. His thoughts are actually quite interesting, and I think you should keep them, but one second he's talking about not fearing death, but the next he's talking about forgetting the past? If he's dead, he can't move on to bigger and better things the way that you've described his thoughts. Am I making sense? There is no bridge in his mind to connect death to starting a new life. You might want to add something in the middle to make it more cohesive.

In a back and forth motion, it would eventually cast light on his boat, his precious boat that had helped hi so far, from the calm waters of Papua New Guinea, through to Australia, where he had hoped his crimes would be forgotten, or overlooked at the least.

MASSIVE sentence, darling. Chop it into halves, or even thirds!

The small wooden dingy rocked from the loss of cumbrance, but the miniscule movement was almost indistinguishable from the tossing and turning caused by the waves.

Alright, I think we realize what a wonderful and impressive vocabulary you have. However, I don't think you need to be throwing around the big and fancy words wherever you please. These are three rather haughty and large words in one sentence, where you don't need to use something so extravagent to describe something that could be described with a smaller word just as easily.

In the end, I don't really like how suddenly, as if with a flash of lightning, your perspective shifts from Joe's to the other sailors who find his boat. We've been with this character for the whole story, and then suddenly he's disappeared into the murky depths of the ocean and we're stuck with these two random, un-names fishermmen who find his abandoned dingy? It's a bit like whiplash. If you want, you could describe what Joe sees and hears as he swims away. He can hear the searchers theorizing, and then, in the end, he can say something like:

"However, Joe knew that their search would be futile. After all, the only thing left to find was a slippery oar and a half-submerged boat."

So, I actually liked this a lot! In a short story (and I assume you aren't continuing it?) your writing skills are better honed than in the version of S.P. that I read, where you were trying to come up with an entire plot and characters and all of that really difficult stuff. Here, however, you can really focus on just this excerpt and figure out how best to write it. I think you've managed it, besides the points I've made above.

As for what I think the man is doing, he's trying to keep his boat afloat during a storm he encounters after escaping either New Zealand or Australia when he realizes that he could be apprehended by searchers and instead jumps into the sea. Is that what you meant?

Anyway, thanks again for using my thread, and I hope this was helpful!

~Evi