Young Writers Society

I was sitting in the car and thought this up. Hope you like it.

I dashed through the town toward my house. I was not exactly muscular but I could run. That was my only defense. Tinala, the school bully, was always on my case. I was apparently her favorite victim. She was chasing me now. I hopped I had lost her by now, but she seemed to always find me. I jumped another fence.
I stopped and looked around. I had never been in this yard before. That was odd. I had never seen the house in front of it. Fear began to creep up on me. There was a stone bench in one corner. The next fence I was supposed to cross was replaced by an arch way. A part of my mind wanted me to look closer at the archway. The other part of my mind wanted me to be a good girl and hurry home. I finally decided I should check the it out.
I pushed my back pack farther up up shoulders. I also pushed some of my shoulder length brown hair out my face and behind my ear.
I walked toward the archway. It had writing scrolled on it. On the top of it there were two dragons blowing fire at each other. Now that was weired. I walked to it and touched it. It felt cool and welcoming under her touch. I was walking under it when all of a sudden the air around me began to ripple. Time seemed to stop. Suddenly it was back to normal, except I wasn't in the garden any more. I found my self in a closed court yard. I was worried. I reached into my back pack and got out my cell phone. I turned it on. I was out of range. It got weirder every moment. A man came out of the door to the right of the courtyard. He was dressed like the characters in the books I read. He wore a white shirt and light brown pants. He noticed me and yelled and pointed at me with a sword. I ran into the door to my left.
Fear gripped me. I needed to get some clothes to blend in. Turned right into a room. I found my self in a room. I opened the drawers. There was a pair of pants and shirts. next to the drawers were boots. I made sure the door was closed and locked. I quickly slipped into the clothes. The shirt was loose and billowy. The pants were tight though. I looked at herself in the mirror. I looked like those pirates in movies. I realized I was wearing boys clothes. Thanks to the shirt it was hard to tell I was a girl. The man in the court yard had worn his hair in a small pony tail, so I did the same. I then slipped into the boots. They were a tad large, but would have to do. I hid my clothes under a loose board near the drawers.
I left the rooms and started walking around the building.
A tall muscular man nearly ran into me in the hall way. He saw me and said, "Why aren't you at your classes boy?" I quickly answered, "I'm new sir." He snorted and said, "Well then, follow me. I will get you settled down," As he walked down the hall he had come from. I quickly followed him, confusion and wonder mixed into one huge emotion inside of me.

This sounds like a fantasy traveller story.

Twitch111 wrote:She was chasing me now. I hopped I had lost her by now, but she seemed to always find me. I jumped another fence.

I think its; 'I hoped I had lost her by now'

I finally decided I should check the it out.

I think it's meant to be 'I should check it out'

Now that was weired.

'Now that was weird'

Turned right into a room. I found my self in a room.

'I turned right, into a (dusty/dark/light/small/big?) room.' You don't need the; 'I found myself in a room' part

This is an interesting story, and sounds like it could get very good, but it does need a bit of work. There wasn't much description, and it didn't give a very good picture of the surroundings. When she first finds the courtyard, it should say if the bricks are falling apart, the morter is decaying, the paint is peeling etc....so we know it's old...
And the g.irl wouldn't know straight away to put on different clothes...she's just come through time, and unless she's done it before, she'd either be freaked out, or she'd think it was a dream.....ok?

Anyway, I'd like to see more of this

Bonnie

I dashed through the town toward my house.

I think it should be towards.

I stopped and looked around. I had never been in this yard before.

How did you get to the yard?

The next fence I was supposed to cross was replaced by an arch way.

This is one word, archway

I pushed my back pack farther up up shoulders. I also pushed some of my shoulder length brown hair out my face and behind my ear.

Take out the second 'up' and replace it with 'my'. And you'll need to add 'of' before 'my face'.

I walked toward the archway.

Towards.

It had writing scrolled on it.

Scrolled isn't the right word. If the archway is made of stone, etc then you may want to use engraved/ carved into/ inscribed.

Now that was weired.

Weird.

I walked to it and touched it.

How about 'I stood before it and touched the ....'

It felt cool and welcoming under her touch.

Its 'under my touch'.

I found my self in a closed court yard.

Myself.

I was worried. I reached into my back pack and got out my cell phone. I turned it on. I was out of range.

Why don't you try using 'fortunately/unfortunately'

Example: Fortunately I had a cell phone, I reached into my back pack and got it out. Unfortunately I was out of range and coulnd not get my phone to ...

A man came out of the door to the right of the courtyard.

You could say if there was a buliding surrounding the courtyard and if the man came out of one of the doors instead of just saying he came out of a door.

He was dressed like the characters in the books I read. He wore a white shirt and light brown pants.

What book? Maybe you could just say he was dressed in a way people from the Medival times had dressed, or maybe suggest he looked like someone from a classical movie. Just saying he looked like a character from a book doesn't describe him very well.

As he walked down the hall he had come from. I quickly followed him, confusion and wonder mixed into one huge emotion inside of me.

Take out the fullstop and replace it with a comma:

'As he walked back to the hall he had just come from, I quickly followed.....'

I think this should be in Fantasy for the moment unless this person goes on an adventure. It's good coming from a twelve-year-old.

You need to describe the surroundings and how the person feels. Maybe she tries to go back to where she comes from but only finds the portal is closed?

This sounds like it could be the beginning of a really good story, but could use some work, especially for description. You describe the archway more, and also the feelings of the main character. How would you feel if you might never see your family or friends again. The girl doesn't even know where she is.

On pace; you take this far too quickly! You move from one paragraph of running from a bully straight into a fantasy-type setting; give us a little more time to adjust to the character's situation before transitioning to the next setting. Give us some more background about the bully--maybe a scene showing the events leading up to the chase?

On descriptions; You do an excellent job describing the visual aspects of everything the character does--however, you've neglected the other senses! Smell, Hearing, Taste, and Touch are feeling very dejected right now--give them some love.

On character; she doesn't have a name! Have the bully cry out to her, perhaps. "I'm gonna get you, Mary Sue!" or whatever. That would even give a nice lead in to explain if she likes her name or not, or even just her thoughts on the matter. Give her more character by inputting her thoughts into the story, since there's very little dialog.

Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

-D