Young Writers Society

By: Yagaron Redson
Raneer
Lightning rent the sky. Thunder shook the earth so hard it might split. Raneer paced his his cell. He knew something unusual, no, extraordinary was about to happen, but not what.
There hasn’t been a gale this fierce in nigh 200 years! he thought.
Lightning flashed again, illuminating the walls once again. This time, Raneer saw a shadow of a figure with a sword. Somehow, just by looking at that shadow, he could tell that this person was of good heart, his weapon not used for evil or personal gain, but to help others --- those in need.
As suddenly as it had come, the shadow vanished.
What was that all about? the man wondered.
Just then the prison door opened. Someone walked in. It was a man dressed in flowing dark robes of red. The prisoners shrank back from him. All except Raneer.
He stopped in front of Raneer’s door. There he stood, smiling maliciously.
Tharia
Tharia was just finishing up her farm chores. She sighed. Growing up on the farm, she had always been caring for crops and greenery. She loved it.
Maybe it’s bringing new life into the world that makes it so worthwhile. The 15-year-old girl thought.
Perhaps that is also why she could not imagine what was taking place a mere twenty leagues away.
“Tharia, time for supper!” her mother called
“I’ll be right there!” was the response.
Tharia smiled as she walked back to the house. Life was good.
Raneer
“So, how are we today?” asked the robed man with a sneer.
“No different than yesterday, Jethrabar!” Raneer spat the name with distaste. This did not seem to affect Jethrabar, but that was to be expected.
“So you still refuse to bow to your king, eh?”
“I told you before and I’ll tell you again, I will NOT bow to a demon!” Raneer said, anger growing within his breast.
“We shall see about that, ‘heretic’” snarled Jethrabar. “You, guard! Take him away!”
Raneer did not know where he was being taken to. Torture was a likely prospect... though he almost wished for death. Almost.
Tharia
After Tharia had washed up, she came to the table. On it was a simple meal of bread, butter, goat's milk, and vegetables. Seeing that his daughter was seated, Androth said the customary words of blessing.
“Lethaga alun rohima antegun. Eltha saga roth.”
As they began to eat, Tharia wondered not for the first time what the strange words meant. She had asked her father once, and he had said that he didn’t know. Apparently no one knew anymore.
Tharia sighed. Some day she would find out.
Raneer
As he was being dragged away, Raneer thought about the shadow. Suddenly he realized something that made his head spin. The shadow was of a young woman, not a man as he had thought. It was very rare for a woman to do anything away from home- unless she was going to town.
Abruptly, Raneer was heaved onto a cot in another cage, jarring him out of his thoughts. This room was cold and dank with slime on the walls and floor - not warm and straw-lined like the other cell. A patch of mushrooms grew in one corner. Raneer studied them closely, leaning down for a better look. He was careful not to inhale too deeply.

Andola Funjari, he recalled in his mind, highly toxic, used for poison to put on arrow heads.He also remembered that, if treated properly, this fungus had incredible healing powers. Unfortunately, he did not have the time, knowledge, or materials for that.

Hi I found the beginning to your story very interesting and generally well written, here's a few comments on possible improvement:

He knew something unusual, no, extraordinary was about to happen, but not what.

I think it might be more effective to separate 'but not what' with a dash or even have it as its own sentence rephrased a little to something like 'He just didn't know what.'

“There hasn’t been a gale this fierce in nigh 200 years!” he thought.

“What was that all about?” the man wondered.

“Maybe it’s bringing new life into the world that makes it so worthwhile.” The 15-year-old girl thought.

As these are not spoken out loud I wouldn't put them in speech marks- perhaps italics would work better.

Tharia was just finishing up her farm chores. She sighed. Growing up on the farm, she had always been caring for crops. She loved farming.

In this section I think it would be useful to have some description on 'golden fields' or something in that area to set the scene.

Raneer did not know where he was being taken to. Probably to be tortured he guessed.

I'm not the keen on the last part of this sentence, it sound like he doesn't care if he's going to be tortured and although that may be the case a more dramatic sentence I think would work well here. Something like- 'Torture was not an unlikely option.'

On it was a simple meal of bread, butter, goat milk,

goat needs an s on the end

Suddenly he realized something that made his head spin.

You need a comma after suddenly.

This room was cold and dank with slime on the walls and floor, not warm and straw-lined like the other one.

Instead of a comma I'd use a dash and instead of 'the other one' I think you should make it clear that you're talking about his old room so something like 'his previous cell'.

A patch of mushrooms grew in one corner. Raneer studied them.

I think it might be better to describe some of the actions he takes instead of just saying he 'studied them'. You could mention bending down and bringing his face close to inspect them.

Overall: The way you chop back and forth between two perspectives does work, but I think you need more on each as right now each segment is quite short (they can't really be called chapters either, you could separate the change in perspectives by a star * instead). As I mentioned before, I think you should put thoughts into italics instead of speech marks as well.

I think the main character gave off kind of 'I don't care' vibes which weren't that good in the situation he was in. Has he given up hope? If so say so. I think there needs to be more description on how He feels- do his muscles ache? Has he been in the cell long? Is he desperate? So far, I don't know anything about him.

The events go by very quickly, they are well written but there is not enough to them- I think you should add more detail and extend them more. You have not mentioned anything on the characters appearances yet and I think you should do that if you continue or add some in- perhaps just mentioning that the girl tucked her silky black hair behind her ear while she worked- something like that. I think you've done quite well in describing surroundings but in my opinion it would be nice to have more description of where the girl is working at her farm chores.

I did like the overall story line though- and I would like to read more, I think you have got a good beginning with the storm and the man in the prison cell. I also get a lot of hints at fantasy things to come which is nice The story is quite well written, I just think more description to people and actions is needed. Hope I've helped!

I'm sorry to dis appoint you, but Raneer is not the main charachter (although he is a major one. Also, if it make you feel better I will get rid of the chapters for now and just go with the names. There is a whole lot more to come in this story... It has a surprising twist. As for what that will be.... you'll just have to wait and see... like everyone else.

Bro, you need to understand something. This piece has a very "telling" feel to it, as well as a lack of rhythm. Perhaps I can help.

Lightning rent the sky. Thunder shook the earth so hard it might split.

This is not very effective. Everyone knows what thunder and lightning are like; add some literary devices,
like giving the thunder a malicious streak. Personification.

Lightning flashed again, illuminating the walls once again.

Never use the same word twice in a sentence, especially a (part of speech I forgot) like 'again.'

Tharia was just finishing up her farm chores. She sighed. Growing up on the farm, she had always been caring for crops and greenery. She loved it.

Again, use some literary devices. Describe the sunset. Show us why she loves the farm so much.

[/quote]There hasn’t been a gale this fierce in nigh 200 years![/quote]

Don't force the character's language! If he speaks modern English, don't use King James English.

Overall there isn't much to this. It could use much work, sir.

Hi there!

I was quite impressed by this-it's unique and mysterious. It's short, suspenseful and gripping. I like how it's not too wordy. I get a mystery/fantasy/adventure vibe from it, in that order.

"Lightning rent the sky" seems a little clumsily worded to me. As fire_of_dawn said, the "Lightning flashed again, illuminating the walls once again" could have been put better.

Good luck with finishing this-it would be really good to see more of it.