Young Writers Society

I don't know how well this will turn out, I'm still thinking about it. But here's a rough draft.

It was the year 1995 and the Inauguration of the new president was coming up. But my friends and I don't like the President Elect. He is a tall powerful man, and has a foreign accent. He always has a temper, but the people love him. Even though during a debate his temper would flare up and he would become very angry. He would curse his opponents and would yell and scream angrily. When we would watch it on our tv, he looked very dangerous. My friends and I think he is a threat, but our parents say otherwise.
My father is a reporter so my family got tickets to go down to DC and watch the Inauguration of Frederick Valdez. I knew this was the perfect time to get an inside glimpse of the President to be. But I couldn't do it without support. But to my luck, my three older brothers had a huge basketball tournament to go to. So my friends packed their bags and we were on our way.
During the plane flight, all we talked about was what we would do when we got down there. We debated about how we would find out about the President nominee. We decided to try and talk to my father and see if we could go with him to some of his interviews. But that plan had to wait, because he was fast asleep and I knew he would be mad if woken.
After what seemed like an eternity, we finally touched down in the Washington D.C. airport. It took nearly an hour for us to get our baggage and get our rental car. We tried to discuss our plan with my dad as we walked out, but he wouldn't listen. He was tired and I could see that he just wanted to get to our hotel and settle in. It would be a while before we could attempt to talk to him again.

Okay.... I want you guys to remember that this is just a rough draft, so shed some mercy. Please?

Lucy Pennykettle

Hellooooooooooooo, Lucy!

*thinks about shedding mercy* Mmmm, I think I shall shred.

But it will be for the better.

It was the year 2017 and the Inauguration of the new president was coming up.

This is in past tense while the rest of your story is in present. I would make the whole thing past, because present tense can quickly get annoying.

But me and my friends don't like the President Elect.

Friends First!

This is the rule you should remember. Friends come before yourself -- so this should be "my friends and I".

(not me)

He is a tall powerful man, and has a foreign accent.

Oooh, scary? This doesn't explain why you don't like the president.

always had a temper, but the people love him.

Had is in the past tense. Change it to has.

Demonstrate one of Valdez's outbursts.

Eep, sorry, but I have to leave my computer now.

So, let me give you some hints:

-- Stay consistent with your tenses. You skip around from past to present.

-- Use dialogue. This story reads like an outline. It isn't very interesting without people talking.

PM me an I'll do a line-by-line...

--Sakura

Muahahahahaha !

*shows no mercy*

Nah, I'm kidding


It was the year 1995 and the Inauguration of the new president was coming up. But my friends and I don't like the President Elect. He is a tall powerful man, and has a foreign accent. He always has a temper, but the people love him. Even though during a debate his temper would flare up and he would become very angry. He would curse his opponents and would yell and scream angrily. When we would watch it on our tv, he looked very dangerous. My friends and I think he is a threat, but our parents say otherwise.

This man doesn't sound like the diplomatic, charming type of guy who would normally be expected to become a president. Who would voluntarily choose a tyrant for president? This struck me as a little odd. Show us some reason for the people to actually vote for him, maybe?

But that plan had to wait, because he was fast asleep and I knew he would be mad if woken. Not too fond of this sentence.

I like the way you've written this; there's a lot of info in compact paragraphs, but you have avoided letting it become redundant. Well done!

I'm impressed ^^

PM me for anything,

XxxDo

Definately go on with it!

I love the concept, especially when on the heels of our current President who everyone said was foreign, different and lets not forget Black, because apparently that last part is a big thing to alot of people hah.

As far as the President-Elect's desc in this story, alot of Presidents in the past were larger than life characters with huge tempers; Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, Ike Eisenhower, Gerald Ford at times. But he still doesnt seem that much described in this intro, why did he run, where is he from, what platforms did he use to run and win?

You explain that he has an accent, but that doesnt explain much, until you mention his name I assumed he was European, like some Germanic or maybe Baltic man, not Latino, and I'm assuming Valdez translates into a Latino origin.

Your ending, during and after the flight, were all hurried, like you diddnt put as much attention into it as the others.

Work on it and definately a great read!

DO IT DOUG!

You should stay with it, definitely! You're never going to learn how to fix it if you quit on it.

It's good, and in addition to the other replies posted, I think you should work on telling us more than exactly what the characters are doing. Describe some of the setting, like the plane.

Keep going! Original concept!
But shall I shed mercy, or not? We'll see. Muahahahaha!
First of all, I have portfolios for English class, and the one we're working on now is about descriptive writing. We have to show, not tell. You might benefit from that. Anyway, as already mentioned, SHOW the future president with his temper or something. And why was he elected? Describe it, don't just say he's a tyrant.
Next, is he Hispanic or Latino or something? Because don't you have to be born in the US to be president? Explain that more.
As Haruno Sakura said, keep the tenses the same throughout. Trust me, I sometimes have the same problem. It can get a little confusing, but read it over and try to fix it.

But I couldn't do it without support. But to my luck, my three older brothers had a huge basketball tournament to go to. So my friends packed their bags and we were on our way.

What? Does the narrator need their friends, and the plane tickets the brothers would've taken can be used for them? Also, ALL three of them have to go to the same basketball tournament? Give them different excuses.

go with him to some of his interviews

I doubt that would be allowed. Some kids going to see the future president? Yeah, right.
Nice beginning, definetely continue. I thought it would be boring, about some political thing, but it turned out to be pretty interestining.