Young Writers Society

Hi everyone. This is a sneak peak of my new story called ‘Beverly hills’ Murder. There is a book but my story does not originate from that story.


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‘Erin ran into the corner. She hid in the laundry basket ,quickly thrusting a bunch of clothes over her body. She heard screaming. Her parents were crying. They were begging so hard. She listened to their cries until she couldn’t hear them anymore. Then she heard her baby brother, Joseph, cry. She heard a body thud to the floor then the house was silent. She peeked out from under the clothes. Just a small peek was all she needed. She saw the man who later she would realize had killed her family.’

This was a good way of grabbing the readers attention, I loved the way you dived straight in! A couple of things I think can be improved upon are:

You use alot of short sentences and although this can be effective I felt like it was used a little bit too much. Perhaps if you joined up a couple of sentences? For instance-

She hid in the laundry basket. Quickly she thrust a bunch a bunch of clothes over her body.

could be 'she hid in the laundry basket, quickly thrusting a bunch of clothes over her body.' (I'm assuming that you added the extra a bunch by mistake).

She listened to their cries until she couldn’t hear them anymore

Instead of saying until she couldn't hear them anymore I think it might be better to say something like until their plea's were silenced then replacing the silence later on with quiet (so as not to repeat the same word).

Then she heard her baby brother, Joseph, cry.

She heard a body thud to the floor

You use alot of she's and I think you could change some of them, for instance 'she heard a body thud to the floor' could be a body thudded to the floor.' The same for 'Then she heard her baby brother, Joseph, cry.'- I think you could say something like 'the sound of her baby brother, Joseph, crying reached her.'

All these are just suggestions, I think its a really good start and I would definetly be interested in reading more!

Cool idea! I like the lack of introduction, but you should introduce everyone later in some interesting way (not this person was thins...), so the reader wouldn't be confused. Also, if you don't mind my asking, where is this going to actually go? On the back of the book or something? Because shouldn't you write it first then? It would give you more freedom in the writing, and you could go where you're taken. If it's just for you to know a part of what's going to happen, it doesn't need editing.
For the editing, I agree with Pippiedooda, but theree are a few things I'll add.

She heard a body thud to the floor. The house was silent.

The house was silent while the body thudded? It's a little controversial. Maybe try "A body thudded to the floor, and then the house was deathly silent". The deathly's just a little adverb to get more involved, you don't have to use it or anything, but it adds to the mood.

Just a small peek but that was all she needed.

The "but that" sounds awkward. It would work without those words.

She saw the man who later she would realize had killed her family.’

I suggest rewording that, because it's confusing. Maybe, "She saw the man who'd killed her family." That implies that she'd realize it later.
Great start, it will make an awesome story. Keep writing!

hi guys
,the reason that there is no introduction is because the second chapter will talk about her life a few years from now. when she's 14-15 years old (she's four years old in this chapter).

bye