Young Writers Society

June 13th 2011: Due to how old this post was, I have deleted it. Sorry to have caused any inconveniences.

Man, I liked this a lot! I was so caught up in it that I didn't pay attention to any of the grammar mistakes. (bad on my part ). But here are a couple of nitpicks I saw after reading it the second time.

I immediately took it off because of the heat emitting from it and the sizzling noise it made to my cold touch.

Uh...that sentence sounds awkward. I first thought you said that the MC took her hand off the door knob because of the heat and the sizzling noise. But I think you meant to say that the MC took her hand off the door knob because the heat and your skin touching made a sizzling noise.

Right? You might want to change that sentence to clearly explain why she did take her hand off the door knob.

Each one white, each one with markings, and each one with the same menacing black slits for eyes.

I don't think you need the repetition here. You can just say each one once. I think it will sound and look better that way.

When I finally noticed them I gasped.

You need to put a comma after when I finally noticed them because it's a adverb clause.

Instead he stood over the both of them and, since he didn't have his hood up, I could see the veins pop out of his neck.

You need a comma after instead.

Wolfman went over to my mother then, and grabbed her by her hair, making her wince. He seemed to be shouting because he didn't lean over to whisper in her ear. Instead he stood over the both of them and, since he didn't have his hood up, I could see the veins pop out of his neck. My mother and father both winced now, but I was too preoccupied to notice, because I could hear everything he said, even over the roar of the ever nearing fire.

“Where is the girl?”

First you say the reason the MC knew that the Wolfman was shouting was because he wasn't whispering. Then you say the MC knew because she heard him shouting. Which one is it?

I ducked behind the door knowing that the stare he gave me told me to hide.

You need to put a comma after door.

I gently took a photo of my parents and me on vacation in Michigan off my bedside table, and put it in the front pocket of the backpack.

If she was rushing, why would she gently take the photo? Whenever you think of gently, you think of slowly. I would put carefully there, because you can rush and be careful.

Instead... I saw a glimpse of something I wished I hadn't seen.

Huh? What glimpse? Where did she see it?

Wow, I over do it sometimes. Sorry about that.

One thing I noticed was that she was only seven? The way you described her made her made her seem more mature than seven years old.

I enjoyed reading this a lot! You're doing a good job! I'm definitely going to read the next chapter!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about anything. I'll be glad to help.