Young Writers Society

INTRO
Suki finally went back to school, thinking she had half way gotten over what happened three years ago.
She walked slowly towards the two heavy doors. A gentle wind blew her now long black hair. Right as she stepped inside, the bell rang. People came pouring into the halls. She was late, but for her the teachers would understand. Everyone would.

CLASS 1
Suki stepped into the loud class, then it fell dead silent. She just stood there in the doorway staring at her feet. After a few seconds, a teacher came in. He stared at Suki, then said,"…Okay…lets be seated. Welcome back…Suki, you may sit next to…Sukaru.” She looked around the room. There was one person there she didn’t know. He was a boy with brown hair waving his hand. He spoke up, “I’m Sukaru”, he smiled at her, and she walked towards the empty desk and sat down. “So your name is Suki?” the boy asked. She just stared out the window, watching the rain fall and nodded her head. Sukaru put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around. “Is something wrong with you?” he asked. She looked in his eyes and saw a similarity of someone. Suddenly, she began to cry, tears rushed down her face. Suki put her hands over her head. “I’m sorry, what did I do?!” Sukaru thought something was very weird. Out of no where the lights began to flicker. She stopped crying, then the window and lights began busting. Glass was shattering every where. She grabbed his and ran into the hallway. It was dark, they couldn’t hear anything but dripping water and their own breathing. All of the classroom doors shut but the front entrance door was open.

IT BEGINS 2

The rain turned to snow. Suki walked to the door and Sukaru followed her out. “Where are you going?” he shouted. Suki turned around and opened her mouth. She looked at him then said, “…come…please…come with me…” He walked up next to her and she turned and kept walking. “I don’t really know you, and you don’t know me. I don’t understand,” Sukaru thought this was weird but he followed her anyways. They stepped into the cold snow. Then a bright light flashed, so bright it was like staring into the sun. When they opened their eyes, they were lying in front of a bridge. “Whoa, this place is like some kind of ancient land!” exclaimed Sukaru. In front of them was a garden but it was actually a graveyard that had been covered by flowers. “Suki, where are we?” she looked around, then looked at him. Sukaru smiled “I have no idea what just happened. But while we are here, I want to know you!” Suki looked at him and smiled for the first time since the accident. “Okay, I know your name but what else is there, I mean you seem so sad.” “I don’t really want to say but…actually I only hear it. Three years ago I was walking to school with my boyfriend David, and he pushed me to the ground and said, ‘I love you, close your eyes’ so I did then-I heard lots of voices scream from other kids. I felt my heart skip a beat and I opened my eyes, I had blood on my shirt, there was blood all over the road. I stopped breathing, my face started to flood with tears. I took a deep breath ad started screaming so horrible I blacked out…I didn’t know what happened, everyone says he got hit by a car.” Suki clenched her teeth and started crying hard, “It’s okay, forget it all, it’s over,” Sukaru wiped the tears off her face. Suki continued to look down. “I’m okay.” She looked up at him, “Well, what about you.” He looked confused for a second, “Huh…oh! Me, I’m just Sukaru nothing special about me, except I was adopted. I never knew my real parents. No one knows what happened to them, everyday I feel like I’m getting closer. Anyways, that’s not important .” He looked sad for a minute then looked at her and smiled. Suki gave out a little laugh, and they both started laughing for no reason. Suki finally stopped for a second, still smiling she said, “Why are we laughing?” “I have no idea,” Sukaru replied. “You’re nice, I finally have a friend. Thanks, that’s the first time I laughed…in three years. “Sukaru’s smile faded. Feeling bad for how her past was and what happened, he knew his parents were gone but he never knew them long enough to feel sorry. Sukaru even imagined or tried to understand what happened, even trying to kind of hurt him. “What’s wrong?” Suki asked. “It’s nothing you should think about.” She looked confused, “What do you mean?” “Nevermind, sorry I said something.” “Okay.” They both turned away. Suki laid on the ground face first looking through the misty bridge wondering what was on the other side. While Sukaru was reading the inscriptions on the nearest grave stone. He saw 16, Dav br- gar…Suddenly, a boy, older then both of them with a cloak and a cloth over one eye, rushed over. “Who are you? Why are you here?” He looked angry and fierce like he was going to attack. He stopped, “Answer me! Wait your alive, girl! What’s your name?” He stared at her with a curious look. “My, I’m Suki” He stared for a second, “Do you know where you are? You shouldn’t be here! The only way you get over that bridge is if you were…killed by, it. That doesn’t matter, you can’t get back over until you fix what you came here for, but with your soul you’ll die here and just disappear, no afterlife.” Suki and Sukaru were both slightly frightened by these words. Sukaru spoke up, “What are we supposed to do?”. The older boy said, “There is only one way to help you, but I can only help her. Well we might be stuck together so I’m Addive the bridge guardian, I never got you name.” “I’m Sukaru.” “Do you two have any kind of realtionship?” They said, “No.” He just glared at him. “Well, we need to get through the process before you die, but you want to be able to cross the bridge, I can give you half of what I have to be here.” “What about Sukaru?” “Yukara can help him if she will.” He closed his eyes and kissed her. Behind her Sukaru just stood there dumb founded, “What the heck are you doing?! Get your hands off of her you…you…person!” “Is there something wrong? All I did was help her.” “Grr…are you serious, you just kissed her!” Suki sat on the ground looking forward. “Oh, that’s the only way I give her my part.” He looked back at Suki, “Do you feel anything?” she started breathing heavy. “I…feel…weak.” “What did you do to her?” “She’s going to feel that way for a while, and she might black out at random moments,” the two argued pointlessly and another girl came up. “So it’s time?” she said. “He’s still alive too, come here boy, “. She walked to him and kissed him. “What the heck is wrong with you people? Are we in France or something?” “No, that’s the way we give half of our stream. My name is Yukana, I’m thirteen years old now and Addive is eighteen.” Sukaru looked at her like she was crazy. He looked at Suki, she was swaying back and forth like she was getting ready to fall off something. “Suki? What’s happening? I feel weak too…” they both fell out cold. “What should we do now? They couldn’t survive out here, it’s too dangerous,“ Addive looked slightly worried. “It couldn’t be them, they are too weak, it looks nothing like her, and she’s too young. I say we leave them her to die!” Yukara gave a little grin and walked off into the mist.
Addiv grabbed Suki and left Sukara there like Yukara had said it was just something he didn’t like about him.

A few hours passed and Sukara woke up. He looked around for a second and realized Suki and everyone was gone. He thought to himself, “Did she leave me off with that guy? What about the short girl? Oh, I’m done for!” He stood up and looked in each direction wondering where to start. Behind him was the mysterious bridge, he didn’t believe a word those guys said, but he still couldn’t leave without knowing about Suki. A few hundred feet away was a gate. You couldn’t really tell but on every other side of him were all woods surrounding the whole place. He walked up to the gate, it was huge and had a key lock with a red glow. “Every time it takes, the aura gets darker and larger, “ Sukaru turned around to see a tall, dark shadow staring down at him, he was afraid. “Come with me if you wish to ever find the girl.” Sukaru just nodded cautiously. The dark figure grabbed his arm and they disappeared.

Suki woke up alarmed screaming. “What’s wrong Suki?” she heard David’s voice for a moment, but looked up to see Addive by her side. “You were sleeping a little longer than most, I thought something had gone wrong.” He said gently. “Where is Sukaru?” Suki asked. “It has him already, it’s too late.” Her eyes widened. “What do you mean It?” she raised her voice and stood up. He grabbed her arm, “Calm down! He’s not important to It, you are, It wants you. And It will do anything to get to you!” “Well, if “It” has him, It is going to get me.” He pushed her to the wall of the cave. “I’ll break your arm before you get out of here alone the way you are now!” he shouted at her. Small tears formed in her eyes, she turned her head and sat on the ground. Addiv backed up, “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. You just don’t understand the situation.” She just sat on the ground with her head on her knees. Addiv looked at her, “If you want him back, I have to help you.” She said nothing. “If you aren’t going to say anything I’m leaving.” She sat there. Addive turned fiercely and walked out.

1/2 TRUTH 3

Suki fell asleep. About one hour later, she woke up. “Suki, he’s lying.” She looked up, “Sukaru?” she asked confused. “Come with me Suki.” He put out his hand. She grabbed it, and he pulled her up. They walked into the forest alone. “Where are we going?” Suki asked. “We are going to leave before he takes you again.” She couldn’t see his face in the dark. “What are you talking about?”. “Addiv, he’s been lying. He is supposed to open your energy and bring you to it.” She stopped and he tried to pull her. “How do you know this?”. He started breathing deeply, “Shut-up!” he pulled her, grabbing her arm tightly, dragging her feet. She fell to her knees, “Stop, you’re hurting me!” she screamed. He quickly let go. There was a small light, she saw Addiv jump from a tree. He landed behind Sukaru. He turned around and blocked Addiv’s sword with his bare hand. In a deep voice Sukaru said, “You can’t have her! You’ll let her die!”. Addiv put his hand to Sukaru’s forehead and Sukaru disappeared. “What did you to do him?” she asked. He looked at her worried. “What did he do to you!?” Addiv demanded. She just looked down. “Come on, lets go back.” “No…” she stood up and backed away. “What?” “He told me things…an…and he just said…you’ll let me die. What is he talking about? Tell me!!” she shouted. “Calm down, I’ll explain if you just come back with me,” he put his hand out for her, she stepped beside him. He put his arms around her and he jumped into the trees and they disappeared. Later they got back to the cave. She automatically stepped away from him into the shadows of the dark cave. “Now you have to explain everything to me!” she said. “Okay,” he started, “It told him everything. It…he is kind of from the future.” He looked around him, “This place isn’t safe to talk about it. We have to go some where else to talk about it, come, follow me. We can’t move too fast or else.” He grabbed her hand and they slowly and cautiously walked out. “Addiv?” Suki looked at his dark face. “What?” she stopped. “You, you remind me of…” he turned and interrupted her. “Shh…Suki stay behind me!” he pulled out his sword. Suddenly, two big, red shadows came up from the ground and attacked Addiv. He fell to the ground and Suki gave out a loud gasp. “Don’t’ scream.” Addiv said to her. He jumped up and slashed at the beasts. They turned into dust. “Are you okay?” Addiv asked Suki. “Your…eye!” she exclaimed, blood was dripping down his face coming from his bandage. “Wha…” he turned away and said, “Stay here, take this, you should be able to use it.” He gave her his sword. She took it and automatically brought her to her knees he walked away. He thought to himself, “It’s happening, all the same. My eye, he’s toying with me!” he took off the bandage revealing his one red eye with a scar just below .

Addiv took out a small pendant and touched it to his fore head. a samll light came from the pendant and the bleeding stopped. Suddenly, an enormous black hole appeared from the ground and out came a tall shadow about 7' 6". It was a muscular man with shoulder lenghth black hair, deep blue eyes , and a long black cloak with a red chain belt across his waist. He spoke with an extremly deep voice" Addiv! where is the girl???you were ordered to bring her to me 5 hours ago!!!" Addiv looked up at him" master......i....i'm sorry i lost her and i've been look...." the tall man inturupted" I don't want anymore of your excuses! you better have her to me in exactly one hour OR I'LL FIND HER MY SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted fiersly and disappeard.

Addiv heard a scream from suki's direction. He quickly moved over to her but stopped."it looks like you've made the master very angry, HA! if i were in your position this would have never happened." Addiv looked up to find Sukaru holding Suki high in a tree." what the..!" suki tried to speek but Sukaru quickly covered her mouth. She tried to kick away, but almost slipped . Sukaru caught her waist," don't worry i'd never let something so precious to me die just like that,... my sweet suki." Addiv looked up at him more angry then imaginable." You sick fool!!! let her GO now!!!" Sukaru gave a pitty laugh ," Heck no! Why would i give her to you just to walk off to her death? I know how much you despise her! But I on the other hand, I.......I love her too much! YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!!!" Sukaru easily became angry. Suki's eyes were wide, she quickly built up tears behind her eyes.Sukaru looked at her "Your the reason she always crys!!! It's your fault!! You left her alone on that cold world ! I'd never do that to her! HOW COULD YOU!!!!???" Sukaru looked down at Addiv , he was very angry but yet he had hidden his tears. he put suki down on the branch to high to jump from. He took Addiv's sword suki had been carrying and jumped from the branch"AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"He swung the sword to the ground but Addiv moved out of the way faster. Addiv gathered energy from his hand and blasted sukaru back into the tree . they quickly got into an all out battle. "STOP IT!!!! stop it please!!!" suki shouted from the tree. It shook her off and she was dangleing from the highest branch of the tree about 98 ft off the ground. She held on for her life. Addiv looked up at her and and sukaru stabbed the sword right through him"SUKI!!!!!" Addiv shouted and he fell to the ground. She looked down at the stream of blood comeing from the cloaked body. The branch broke, She was falling , so shocked she couldn't even scream. Sukaru jumped to save her but something else caught her the tall man . He spoke," Sukaru?... Why?... Why was it nessasary to kill him?!" sukaru looked down" because he doesn't care." he started crying," he doesn't care about her!" the man looked angrily at sukaru", your feelings are wasted stupid boy, you dont need her once she's dead you'll have all the power" sukaru looked up " you mean like you?!"the man looked down at sukaru .He disapeared with Suki. " i have to do something" Sukaru took out a pendant just like Addiv's. he put it on Addiv's fore head and healed him completely,"suki!" Addiv turned to sukaru and grabbed his neck"ugh! he's got her!." Addiv threw him back "what do you mean?" - "the master" Addiv stood up grabed his sword and pointed it to sukaru,he stood up" no! i said i'd never leave her" Addiv looked at him "ha! you think she loves you? after what you just did? . she always loved me like you said im the one who makes her cry cause she thinks i'm gone, but i've been watching her die inside and it kills me too." sukaru turned around and started walkig away."your just as bad as he is , i hope you no he's gonna kill her and now i'm not gonna do a single thing about it." Sukaru disapeard into the cold dark night .

MIDNIGHT CASTLE 4

Suki was in a corner on the floor tied up from shoulder to toe. "i bet your so confused my dear.....ha ha ha ha! i find it quite funny you dont know a single thing thats going on." he walked over to her and kelt down his face was so close to her they almost touched. "i can hear your heart beat , its raceing. tell me suki, are you afraid of me?" she stared into his wonderous blue eyes "no". He snaped his fingers and the chaines disapeard from her body. He grabbed her arm and pulled her up to him as he stood up.She clenched her teeth . he smiled at her" your hearts raceing faster and faster.......i can see why every one is obbsessing over you." He ran his fingers through her long dark hair, and brought his hand to her cheek. He wided away a tear running down her face."i dont really want to kill you.....suki, help me please help." he whispered to her then he lifted his head past her face," shut up! no leave her alone! SHUT UP!!!" he through suki to the ground, she hit hard. She started to cry again " suki i'm sorry !" he fell to his knee's and grabbed her again he pulled her closer this time, he kissed her. she was motion less, her eyes were wide, she just sat there and cried.Finally he pulled away," i hate you for this. you wil die." he throguh her against the wall and started choking her. " your pathetic girl! " he was angry she looked at him" please tell me who you are." he answered " my name is Haru!" she kicked him and he let go . she ran to the window , he blasted her with his dark energy. she fell to the floor "somone will come for me i know they will" she struggled to get up but was to weak." sukaru doesn't care about you anymore, and addiv well he dead as a door nail HA HA HA! no ones comeing for you you'll just die hear".

" Guess again, master" addiv said sarcasticly standing in the window . he stepped down and picked up suki" are you ok suki?" he asked her. she looked at him and smiled " your alive!" she hugged him tight.Haru spoke "i see your alive and strong addiv or should i say..."addiv inturupted him "don't say it....i swaer i'll kill you!" Haru gave a slight grin"what were you planning to do if your not gonna try to kill me now?" suki stared at addiv, but he was glareing at Haru. Addiv grabbed suki's hand and jumped out the window with her. "you've gotten away for now, but your peace wont last for long" Haru countinued laughing while suki and addiv were running as far from the castle as possible.

SECRETS 5

Suki and Addiv were 5miles away from the castle and they stopped running and rested.Suki looked at Addiv confused, and he looked up to see her staring, "what did he do to you?" Addiv commanded. She stared for a second befor answering," he...he tried to hurt me first,... but then ...it was like there was someone else inside of him......he....ki...he kissed me..." she looked away from addiv not knowing what he would do next. Addiv folded his arms and laughed," figures, look Suki there is something ... this took me a while to figure out as well but, Haru basicly is Sukaru ." she glared at him "what do you mean 'IS ' ?" Addiv's expression was soft but suddenly worried" this is difficult, basicly when Sukaru disappeard the fist time after i came, he was taken by Haru. He took the best part from Sukaru"
"so , Sukaru is inside of Haru?"
"yes"
"what is the best part of sukaru?"
"i honestly don't know" Addiv 's expression darkened , as if he was angred by something. Suki saw this change and spoke up,"whats wrong? " he looked at her "i ...i want to tell you something...but ...he wont let me!" he slammed his fist into the ground she sat down beside him. " it'll be ok, im sure we can get through this , shouldn't i be the one scared or angry?" he looked at her and gave a half hearted smile. addiv stood up and walked forward," are you coming?" she looked back at him and stood up to follow.

they walked for about an hour in silence. "addiv?" he didn't look at her,"what is it?" suki gave a loud sigh," ...well... is there anyway you can... tell me that thing.....?"
he stopped completely," umm......well.....i......am......d......i cant say it."
"are you someone else?"
"in a way"
"do you know me?"
"yes....alot" addiv looked down sadly.suki looked up at him confused.He turned to face her," here's another clue, i......love you" her eyes grew wide "you... what?!" suki took a step away from him," suki! who else knows you alot and loves you? who?" she turned away from him " you looked nothing like him " she whispered. "i am........him.......i've been watching you.... so long........"
"NO!!!"
"suki whats wrong?"
"I HATE YOU!!!"
"please understand suki, i can't control whats happed to me....i cant come back"
"stay away from me, you liar! i dont belive you!!" suki started to cry uncontrolably, she ran away from addiv. He watched her run, further and further in the unknown darkness of the forest .
" how could you let her go like that? it's dangerous in there!"
"shut up sukaru!"
Sukaru laughed," oh your the one to talk David , you liar!" he continued laughing.

I need to be honest with you...I didn't read the whole thing. You really need to space out your paragraphs properly, otherwise it is wayyy to hard to read. If you need help with spacing just let me know.

Next you are moving way to fast and the story is not believable. You really need to slow things down...I can also help you with that.

I think you have a good idea going but its getting smooshed because of the pace you are moving at. And the spacing really is key if you want people to read your stuff.

Alrighty so I can tell that you are knew because your profile says you joined today. So welcome to YWS! I can also tell that you have not reviewed anything. Read the rules and you should get a pretty good idea of how things work around here. But you need to keep the review to post ratio at a 2 to 1. So you have posted two things so you need to review four.

As soon as you fix spacing PM me cause I would really like to help you with this.

I agree about your spacing. A new paragraph should begin each time someone speaks. I'd recommend reading this out loud to yourself or someone else so you can see where you have words missing in a couple places. It will also help you with some of the awkward sentences.
Unless you're dead set on the names, it's generally not a good idea to have names that are so similar in main characters.

I didn't get through the whole thing, but I reviewed the first part for you. It's much easier to review something when spacing is correct and you've done some more editing yourself.

Suki finally went back to school, thinking she had half way gotten over what happened three years ago.

This sounds a little awkward, like it should be at the end of a story instead of the beginning. Try something like “Suki had finally come back to school, thinking she had half-way gotten over what had happened three years ago.” Oh, and half-way needs a hyphen.

A gentle wind blew her now long black hair.

I think you're trying to say that her hair was different now than it was before (either because it was long or black or both), but it's a bit confusing as is, so you might want to rework it.

Suki stepped into the loud class, then it fell dead silent.

Another awkward sentence. Try this:
As Suki stepped into the loud classroom, it fell dead silent.

She just stood there in the doorway staring at her feet.

Make us feel the awkwardness of this moment, in between when it goes quiet and the teacher walks in. If you're embarrassed, the moment usually feels like a million years, so make us feel that.

saw a similarity of someone.

This needs to be rephrased.

Suddenly, she began to cry, tears rushing down her face.

Sukaru thought something was very weird.

Try to show the feeling, instead of just telling us this. Obviously it's weird that this girl won't talk to him and just bursts into tears, but explain how it felt to him so we can relate better.

nowhere

Nowhere is one word.

everywhere.

Everywhere is also one word.

She grabbed his hand and ran into the hallway.

I'm assuming. Perhaps he should put up a bit of a fight. I mean glass is breaking and it's dark and he just follows this girl he doesn't know out of the classroom?

It was dark, they couldn’t hear anything but dripping water and their own breathing.

How about their feet while they're running? Isn't anybody in the classrooms freaking out?

All of the classroom doors were shut, but the front entrance door was open.

I know that editing isn't the most fun part of writing for most people, but trust me, it's the most essential. I'm sure this story has potential, you just need to keep chipping away at it. ^_^

This is a very original and awesome story, as usual I really liked Addive and Suki's mysterious relationship, and how you built up the plot around those two. The connection between Haru and Sukaru is also clever and interesting. I especially like the bridge guardian aspect of the story

As for the critique. Like someone said, just watch for the spacing. When a new person talks, there needs to be a new paragraph. For example:

“My, I’m Suki” He stared for a second, “Do you know where you are? You shouldn’t be here! The only way you get over that bridge is if you were…killed by, it. That doesn’t matter, you can’t get back over until you fix what you came here for, but with your soul you’ll die here and just disappear, no afterlife.”

That was the original, here is the revised version:

“My, I’m Suki."
He stared for a second. “Do you know where you are? You shouldn’t be here! The only way you get over that bridge is if you were…killed by, it. That doesn’t matter, you can’t get back over until you fix what you came here for, but with your soul you’ll die here and just disappear, no afterlife.”

Basically, that's all you need to do. I suggest just going through the story, and work on spacing to clear it up.

Oh, and one of my favorite parts was when Addive kissed Suki to help her. Sukaru's response to that, and being kissed by Yukana was hilarious.

[/quote]Are we in France or something?” [quote] I lol'd

This is a great story, and you should continue it!!