Young Writers Society

The Kiss

It was sure wintery outside, so the boy walked inside a pub.

Inside were tables full of people eating Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cakes, so the boy sat done to a pair of monster looking dudes and challenged them to a contest.

The boy was exhausted when he and the monsters could see no more, he was about to leave when he saw a head of long dirty brown hair.

The girl was dressed in a red sweater over her pink dress, she was smiling at everyone and at everything.

The boy was in love and then he saw a head of short black hair with nothing on, she was frowning at everyone and almost everything until she saw him.

” Are you new here?” She asked.

The boy was distracted by her visage and said yes finally looking her in the eye.

“Wanna find a room?” She asked.

“NO!!!” the boy shouted and ran away and bumped into the dirty blond haired girl.

“Oh, I so sorry”, He said.

“No problem, are you new here I haven’t ever seen you before?” She asked.

The boy said yes and then a baby DJ at the turn tables started playing a mystical song.

The girls just grabbed the boy and then they started dancing.

Then danced until the floor became slick with perspiration.

They both smiled at each other, they were both in love…

The boy closed in and they wrapped their arms around each other.

Everyone turned their attention to them and they kissed.

The kiss was sweet, the kiss was joy, and the kiss was love.

Then the girl fell; blood on the floor. The boy cried out, the girl had just been shot by the girl with nothing on.

The boy tried as he could to save her but she evaporated into the air.

The girl with nothing on said, “Now can we get a room?”

Then the boy woke and checked the time, it was 9, he was late for work.

Hey CardDragon! Hawk here for a review.

First off, I think you've got an interesting story here. I like the unexpected twist, not of it being a dream, but of the girl he's dancing with getting shot. It gave a fresh, exciting turn that livened up the story for a bit. I hope he didn't end up going with the naked girl; what a jerk!

Now, your story feels a bit stilted. There's not a lot of flow going on in your narration style. What I mean by that is, the sound is very short and staccato. There's no rhythm, no easing into the next sentence in such a way as to make the reader feel like it's a continuance of the previous sentence. It's all just very choppy and therefore hard to really follow.

You could improve this flow drastically if you put in more descriptions. Right now, you've just given us the basic bits of information and it's hard to get an idea of what the setting looks like, or how the characters appear, or even what the boy is feeling. Show us, versus simply telling what the boy's doing. Take a look at this post, which does a good job explaining how to show vs. tell.

Your beginning was a little random. I don't quite get what went on with the monster-dudes and the cake, but I felt that it didn't really pertain to the story. It's alright to explain what he's doing at the pub, but don't make it seem like it's the main interest. By giving it more details, you make it seem like chocolate raspberry truffle cakes are going to play a big part in the rest of the story. But they don't, so what was the point of spending so much time talking about them? Redirect your focus; remember, you're talking about the boy and how he falls in love with a girl. A few extra descriptions give a good picture of what he's doing beforehand, but make them seem insignificant - because, compared to the girl, they are.

One last thing I'm going to mention is your dialogue punctuation. You've got some misplaced commas and such, and it makes it harder to read. Take a look at this post, which should help you with that punctuation.

So, overall, you've got a potentially good story - it just really needs some fleshing out. You don't want it to feel so flat; give it descriptions and make it come to life!

Let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot.

Cheers!
~Hawk

Hi there, CardDragon!

You've definitely taken on a challenge by writing this - it's written using objective narration! Next to second person, it's rather difficult to write because the entire appeal of it is to mostly write, well, for lack of a better word, narrative, such as detailed descriptions of people, places and things. Otherwise, it doesn't work so well. Nevertheless, objective can also not have so much of this. Such is the case with Ernest Hemingway's Hills Like White Elephants. I'm curious as to whether you've read this and that perhaps it may have been your inspiration? If not, I suggest you read it. The short story incorporates quite an amount of dialogue, but it's equalized by a few descriptors and the stunningly brilliant metaphors Hemingway put to use.

What I'm trying to get at is that I found your short story rather dull. I can't feel emotion and it just feels like a bunch of statements. Unfortunately, this is often the case when people experiment with objective narration. With objective, you must utilize all the writing tools you know (and sometimes cliches can work, if you twist them to add a touch of originality) in order to successfully execute an attractive and well-written story narrated objectively. Below is a few things that may help in writing objectively:

i) Descriptions! Objective narration challenges the writer to really learn about themselves as well as a difficult narrative style. Don't be afraid to take reference from all of the five human senses: smell, touch, taste, hearing and sight. With those five senses, I'm sure that writing objectively would be that much easier and less challenging.

ii) Engaging dialogue! Dialogue (and just plain physical interaction in some cases) is crucial to creative fiction, and sometimes creative non-fiction, especially with more than one character (which there almost always is, except for some cases). Dialogue/interaction is what appeals to the reader and also enables them to get a better sense of the character through language (like slang terms, for example) and actions while they are speaking/interacting. Also, dialogue/interaction can be a great place to hide metaphors, which I will get to next in this list.

iii) Metaphors! Again, Hemingway's Hills Like White Elephants is an excellent example of the use of metaphors in an objective narrative. One must really pay attention to the narration and the interaction between the two characters in Hemingway's story in order to locate and fully understand the metaphors and/or similes. Objective narration is useful for metaphors as it's subtle and the metaphors can be easily secreted amongst words and common symbols of everyday life (or not).

So my point is that you needn't be afraid or hesitant to write this and incorporate it into your story. I have faith that you can definitely do it and really expanding on this plot-line would be, I think, rather cool and intriguing. I strongly suggest you read the story Hemingway wrote (the one I mentioned repeatedly, lol) as it may give you some idea of what a decent objective narrative might be like. But, I also encourage you to develop your own style with writing objectively. It'll give the story a great personal edge, you know? Overall, this has potential with the right kind of tweaking.

Sorry if I rambled a bit. If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie