Young Writers Society

Aura was too young to understand what was happening when her mommy knelt before her. Tears were gathering in her mommy's eyes and Aura frowned, her five year old mind unable to grasp the situation. All she knew was that her mommy always had bruises and her daddy drank a lot of liquid that, to Aura, smelled horrible. Try as she might, she just did not get why her mommy was being so secretive and crying.

“Mommy, what's wrong?” Aura said in her young, innocent voice. She reached out and wiped away her mommy's tears. Her mommy grasped her wrist and held it to her cheek, silently weeping. Aura noticed a large purple spot on her mommy's forehead as she began to feel scared.

“Mommy? Mommy please say something,” Aura begged as her mommy just rubbed her cheek on Aura's wrist.

“Baby,” she whispered, gently stroking Aura's face with her free hand, “Baby, hush.”

“Mommy?” Aura whispered back, tears springing to her eyes. Even for her age, she could pick up on her mommy's sadness, “Don't be sad. I'm here.”

Her mommy smiled and held a finger to Aura's lips.

“Baby, listen. Mommy has to leave, okay?” she said, voice cracking. Aura smiled, ignoring her tears and the scary feeling inside of her. It made her afraid to talk, but she did.

“Why mommy? You can sleep in my room if you're scared.”

Her mommy shook her head and closed her eyes, angling her head downwards for a moment. Then she lifted her eyes and looked straight at Aura. Wrapping her arms around Aura, she held her daughter in her lap. This scared Aura most of all. Why was her mommy acting like this? Why was her mommy crying? Even still, Aura did not pull away.

“Baby I love you. I love you so much. But baby...Mommy's gotta leave. I promise I'll come back for you. Remember that, baby. I won't leave you with him.”

Aura frowned. Him? Did that mean her daddy? But her daddy was so nice, so nice to her. Except when he drank the bad smelling liquid. Then he threw stuff at mommy and did not talk to her. Sometimes he locked her bedroom door. But other than that, he loved Aura, right? Of course. She was his baby, just like she was mommy's baby. Then why did mommy have to leave?

“Baby, look at me,” Aura's mommy grasped her head gently with her palms and led her face upwards.

“I promise I won't forget about you. Okay, baby? I love you so, so much.”

Aura noticed how pretty her mommy's face looked with the moonlight on it. The smooth curves of her facial features so perfect, so flawless. Her eyes a dark green, matching Aura's own, her hair a light curly brown. It fell around Aura and her mommy, so that it was only them. Nothing else was in the world, nothing else mattered except for mother and daughter. Aura watched a crystalline tear make its way down her mommy's cheek and sit there for a moment, a diamond ready to fall and shatter. So fragile and yet so beautiful and sad all at once. Aura could not know it then, but this picture of her mommy would forever be a painting in her memories.

“I love you too, mommy,” Aura said, hugging her mommy, who welcomed the embrace and hugged her daughter tightly in return.

I really like this. It is a lovely story, and it is delivered beautiful. The story is charged with emotion. It takes a talented writer to show so much emotion but still keep the story within the mind of a child. To be a critic I would like to point out the last paragraph. Its gorgeous I love the line

Aura watched a crystalline tear make its way down her mommy's cheek and sit there for a moment, a diamond ready to fall and shatter.

Though I love this I find it abit odd that you started within a Childs mind, with very simple description. Then you ended still from the perspective of a child but it has a very mature voice. Other then that I loved your story, you are a great writer.

Hi there!

I saw this and I thought that I'd give you a review. It's my first in ages, so bear with me! To be frank, I didn't like this. It has potential, but as a whole it's sappy and overdone. I've seen this situation a million times in fiction, and you don't do anything with it to make it your own, to make me care about the situation.

And it doesn't even make sense. If the mother loved the daughter so much, why didn't she just take her? You don't really give a reason as to why she can't take her, so I'm wondering why, when she knows the awful things that her husband has done to her, that she would just run away in cowardice and let her daughter alone with him.

For a piece that is supposed to be heavy on character, you don't really develop your characters much. The mom is crying, so she must be sad, so we must care, right? I'm sorry, but you're going to need to go farther than that. Right now, it's not touching, it's sappy. Maybe you can get more into the past of the characters. I'm assuming this family is poor. Describe the home. The drinking is so overdone, too, but I'll buy it if the dad has a good, sympathetic excuse to be drinking, and right now, you have none. I like that you tell the story from the point of view of the little girl, but I don't think you use it enough to your advantage. What exactly would a five year old girl do in that kind of situation? Think about that.

So, in a nutshell, try to develop the characters more and make them seem more well-rounded because that's going to make your story for you. Right know, they're cardboard cutouts. Make them three dimensional, and you'll garner your reader's sympathy and make this a great story.

Sorry if I seem too harsh; feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Good luck!

~ Elinor