z

Young Writers Society


The Old Man



Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Thu Dec 29, 2011 10:36 pm
sillypinkpony37 says...



One, two, three full turns in the keyhole and the door was locked. Place the keys underneath the dignified clay buddha grinning cheekily on the porch steps. The old mans knee joints sounded like popcorn as he descened the three porch steps. Three more steps and he was at the gate. Take a right and he began to haul his stringy frail body step by step away from his house.

The moist july heat was tight but he didnt let it bother him. His feet kept moving, as constant as a ticking clock. Lifted up so that he was not quite jogging but putting too much effort in for it to be walking. He went past the Kalbs house, Mrs. Kalb outside with lemonade. Wave.

Three more houses down the suburbia came to an abrupt halt and the high school started. There was a message board outside that said something new every day. Today it preached „dinner tonight for local girl scout troup 568 @ 5pm“. A minivan speeds by, slowing ten miles an hour as it aproaches the jogger. Wave.

Take a right at the intersection opposite the law firm where he had spent thirty years of his life committing to. Into the empty park except for a lonely squirrel examining a recently abandoned picnic table. Take another right onto a path less travelled. Ascending at a rate that made his breath quicken by two.

After 12 hurried steps the trail became a small outlook with a rickety, grafitiied bench overlooking the lake and in the distance, the bustling city. If he strained his ancient eyes he could see his house, hidden by some oak trees ancient, but when he had planted them shortly after buying his house, they wouldnt have even been considered saplings.

He let his body rest a moment on the bench, and thought back to a night which felt like it could have been yesterday. Sitting there with the girl he knew he would spend forever with. It was as if he could feel every emotion stirring up in him that he had felt that day. Anxious, excited, nervous, and so, so, alive. The moment when she said Yes.

Skipping forward to her beautiful face glowing up at him with their first child. Thanksgiving dinner, burning the potatoes yet everything was still perfect. Holding her as they waved goodbye to their child driving to college. Holding her hand and feeling her heart beat in time with the hospital moniter.

He got up and went back down the trail, slower this time. Back through the park, relishing the shade provided by the trees. Past a gas station, a druggerie, a bakery. He caught a look at himself in the reflection. Recogniyed the old man struggling along as the young boy he ocne was, with a body and mind and will that said he could acheive anything. Five more shops and an abandoned building. Accross the bridge.

His feet led him home, third house on the right. An effort to reach down and grab the keys from under cheerful buddha. Three and a half full circles of the key to the left and the door was unlocked.

He opened the door and went inside.
  





User avatar
152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Wed Jan 04, 2012 6:39 pm
Niebla says...



Hey sillypinkpony37,

MorningMist here with both some praise and some constructive criticism!

I liked this piece, but I think it could be improved by a lot. It's quite a short, reflective piece. I assume, from what you've written, that his wife died and that was why he was remembering her -- although I think if that is the case, you could make it a little clearer and more certain for the reader.

I'm not quite sure whether I like the abrupt style you've told much of the story in. It's a reflective story, and so I expect it to be at an almost dreamy pace -- yet this piece feels almost a little rushed.

The moist july heat was tight but he didnt let it bother him. His feet kept moving, as constant as a ticking clock. Lifted up so that he was not quite jogging but putting too much effort in for it to be walking. He went past the Kalbs house, Mrs. Kalb outside with lemonade. Wave.



I really liked the paragraph above. I think you used just the right number of words to set a vivid picture in the reader's mind -- yet at the same time, I'm not too sure about the last sentence. I can see why you've written some of his actions so abruptly, but I actually think that it would be better to write something along the lines of "He went past the Kalbs house; Mrs Kalb. was outside with some lemonade. He waved to her."

It might just be personal preference, but although it might work in some stories, I don't really think that these abrupt sentences quite fit with the piece.

Those are my main points about the actual story. Along with that, I did notice a few spelling mistakes and some sentences which I found gramatically ... odd. I think you should try doing a spell check on a word document before posting here -- that way, it's easy to quickly correct any mispellings. Still, I'll point some of them out here for you. (I'll just copy and paste the story and highlight in red the words I've corrected as it's the fastest and easiest way to do it.)


One, two, three full turns in the keyhole and the door was locked. Place the keys underneath the dignified clay buddha grinning cheekily on the porch steps. The old man's knee joints sounded like popcorn as he descended the three porch steps. Three more steps and he was at the gate. Take a right and he began to haul his stringy frail body step by step away from his house.

The moist july heat was tight but he didn't let it bother him. His feet kept moving, as constant as a ticking clock. Lifted up so that he was not quite jogging but putting too much effort in for it to be walking. He went past the Kalbs house, Mrs. Kalb outside with lemonade. Wave.

Three more houses down the suburbia came to an abrupt halt and the high school started. There was a message board outside that said something new every day. Today it preached „dinner tonight for local girl scout troup 568 @ 5pm“. A minivan speeds by, slowing ten miles an hour as it approaches the jogger. Wave.

Take a right at the intersection opposite the law firm where he had spent thirty years of his life committing to. Into the empty park except for a lonely squirrel examining a recently abandoned picnic table. Take another right onto a path less travelled. Ascending at a rate that made his breath quicken by two.

After 12 hurried steps the trail became a small outlook with a rickety, graffitied bench overlooking the lake and in the distance, the bustling city. If he strained his ancient eyes he could see his house, hidden by some oak trees ancient, but when he had planted them shortly after buying his house, they wouldn't have even been considered saplings.

He let his body rest a moment on the bench, and thought back to a night which felt like it could have been yesterday. Sitting there with the girl he knew he would spend forever with. It was as if he could feel every emotion stirring up in him that he had felt that day. Anxious, excited, nervous, and so, so, alive. The moment when she said Yes.

Skipping forward to her beautiful face glowing up at him with their first child. Thanksgiving dinner, burning the potatoes yet everything was still perfect. Holding her as they waved goodbye to their child driving to college. Holding her hand and feeling her heart beat in time with the hospital monitor.

He got up and went back down the trail, slower this time. Back through the park, relishing the shade provided by the trees. Past a gas station, a druggerie, a bakery. He caught a look at himself in the reflection. Recogniyed the old man struggling along as the young boy he ocne was, with a body and mind and will that said he could acheive anything. Five more shops and an abandoned building. Accross the bridge.

His feet led him home, third house on the right. An effort to reach down and grab the keys from under cheerful buddha. Three and a half full circles of the key to the left and the door was unlocked.

He opened the door and went inside.


It's not a bad piece at all -- I just believe that it could do with some editing and work. Then you'll be able to make what's already quite an alright piece into a really good one! :smt001

(I also noticed that you didn't really use apostrophes. Remember to use them in words such as "I'm" instead of "I am" and when referring to someone owning something: "Ralph's volleyball".)

Keep writing,

~MorningMist~
  





User avatar
66 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3055
Reviews: 66
Thu Jan 05, 2012 10:16 am
Angelreader77 says...



Hi there!
Here to review~
It was a nice story. The idea was also nice and I liked your descriptions. I'm guessing that the woman he loved died in and hospital and he is rejoicing his memory of her? The idea wasn't original but it wasn't cliche either. :D
Your writing style is... different. I don't know whether it's good or bad but I found it a bit abrupt. At first when I read it I got a bit confused with the writing style. Take this for an example:
sillypinkpony37 wrote: Place the keys underneath the dignified clay buddha grinning cheekily on the porch steps.

This sounded a bit like directions/orders to me. Later, I did think that maybe the old man had taken this journey many times. But at first it really isn't that clear to the reader so I would suggest trying something else.
Another thing: Your tenses.
I'm not sure about this but the parts like ''Place the keys'', ''Take a right" are in present. I guess you have to write them in present but the rest of the story is in past tense so it gets confusing. How about you keep them in italics? It might help the reader.
sillypinkpony37 wrote:„dinner tonight for local girl scout troup 568 @ 5pm“.

I think this was a typo? If you're putting it in quotation marks make sure the starting letter is in Capitals.
Also there are many typos in this piece. A quick read through and I think you can find them.
sillypinkpony37 wrote:A minivan speeds by, slowing to ten miles an hour as it approaches the jogger.


sillypinkpony37 wrote:He let his body rest a moment on the bench, and thought back to a night which felt like it could have been yesterday.

I think the could have been is disrupting the flow of the sentence.
Some of the sentences feel more like phrases like:
sillypinkpony37 wrote:An effort to reach down and grab the keys from under cheerful buddha.

sillypinkpony37 wrote:Lifted up so that he was not quite jogging but putting too much effort in for it to be walking.

sillypinkpony37 wrote:Into the empty park except for a lonely squirrel examining a recently abandoned picnic table.

Apart from this I enjoyed the piece and keep writing!
Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  





User avatar
522 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 18486
Reviews: 522
Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:05 am
Lavvie says...



Hi there sillypinkpony! I'm reviewing something of yours again.

This was definitely narrated in a different way. Like, it was rather objective but with orders which is typically bizarre. It's not very literary and reminded more of an instruction manual on How to Take a Walk or something silly like that. With such orders, it also confuses the type of narrative. Usually, order such as 'take this' or 'write this' are directly at the person listening and/or reading. You've confused narrations between second person and third person objective and it clashes terribly. It's also very confusing. At first, the reader might think you've written a second person narrative and then all of a sudden it's pretty much third person objective with some flip-flops back and forth.

I didn't feel any sentiment here. Did you really just write something about old, arthritic man walking around town? It's dull and it doesn't have any plot whatsoever, at least as far as I could tell. Don't be hiding metaphors and if you had the intention for metaphors, it didn't work. You hid them too well that there's nothing there. You must make intentions clear, or at least more there than not. It's boring and just... emotionless. A written sketch of something.

If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Yours,
Lavvie


What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl
  








Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak