Young Writers Society

Bret stood there. His crazy blond hair flying everywhere in that old warehouse, my only picture of Daniel grasped in his hands, the one Lisa took at the B&B in the garden. Damien held me against him, his arms wrapped around me; I screamed and tried to get away. Damien squeezed me tighter as if telling me to shut up. I couldn’t, I couldn’t let go; not yet.

“Please Damien! Let me just have this! Please!” I cried, I felt like the tears were everlasting and if this happened I would never forgive Damien, as if I ever could anyway. I screamed, I kicked, a punched, I did whatever I could to get away from Damien. I pinched his arm but it did nothing to make him let go, then I remember the scare behind his ear Daniel gave him, I reached my arms up quickly grasping his ear, pulling on the earlobe and digging my nail into the crusted blood behind his ear.

He yelled pushing me to the ground and cradling his ear, I crawled over to Bret as quickly as possible to only have Damien pulling me back to the other side of the warehouse by my leg. I tried grabbing anything, anything I could throw at either of them. Damien picked me up pinning my hands behind my back and clutching my jaw to make my head turn towards Bret holding the picture.

“Say good bye to him Beth, he’s never coming back for you” Damien spat in my ear. I cried but I knew I couldn’t win, I starred at Bret and he took out his lighter. The bright red plastic gleamed in the sunlight and the rays falling from the roof seemed to quiver in the air in a peculiar why. I strange smell wafted passed my nose making me winkle it. Oh god! The wavy sun beams, the strange smell!

“Bret! Stop” I yelled, I knew the moment I said something Damien immediately knew it as well, he pulled us back behind a crate, as Bret pulled down on the spark wheel and pushed down on the fork. Bret busted into flames, along with the picture and everything on the one end of the warehouse. A bright flash and the sound of flames crackling away hit like a freak storm. Damien picked me up pulling me over his shoulder as he booked it out of there.

Bret screamed and his flesh tore from the heat of the flames. His body un-recognisable in seconds and only an ashed body stood there, fists clenched, shaking, screaming, and cursing. I fought against Damien, screaming as well. Not only was my only memory gone of Daniel, but Damien just left one of his best friends to burn alive! How could he do that?!

“Damien! We have to go back and help him!” I screamed, he pushed me into the back seat of his pickup truck, slamming the door and locking me in. All the little lock bolts fell under the car doors away from my reach locking me internally, it wasn’t like that before the school dance, Damien must have changed it when he came for us.

Hello.

I notice you have "random part" in the title, which might explain a lot of my utter confusion at what was going on. If you're going to post random parts in the future, it'd be a good idea to provide some sort of summary so we understand why things are going on, so we don't feel totally tossed into a situation where far too many questions need answering before we understand what's going on. I'd suggest looking at this article on writing summaries for some advice.

As for the part itself, I found it a bit too lucid. The thing about shock is, people often lose feeling. They do things without remembering, they don't take in as many details, and their perceptions tend to be twisted around. Once you have everything blow up, she continues focusing on every detail in a near clinical fashion. Make her ramble, have her mind be everywhere. She just lost something very important to her, and her mind is still functioning well enough she notices the locks are different from a short while ago, instead of trying the locks and wondering why they're not working.

You're writing in first person here, which means you have to limit yourself to the MC's site and mindset. Your descriptions at the beginning that were completely focused on Bret, the picture, and the bonds Daniel held the MC in (I'll assume the MC is a girl) were better, but then you get more and more clear despite the tension going up. Little pieces of characterization, like how she knew ways to get out of the bonds, were nice. But the utter clarity in reply to shock needs a lot of explaining before I'll buy it.

Also, a little bit of information on how she's held would be nice. Around the chest, with her back to him? Or around her waist so she has a harder time moving her arms? What about her legs? You mention she kicks, but if she's being held against the guy, it'd be difficult to miss a kick.

All in all, I found this rather hard to believe. The explosion could be that spectacular if the gas to air ratio was just right, so I'll not say that's completely unbelievable. I'd just look up what gases would be available, their smells, and their burn reactions, to make sure you're really getting the scene correct.

I'd revisit your MC's state of mind. As I mentioned before, she seems really calm. Is there a reason for this? Or is her shock that bad? I'm leaning towards the latter, unless a very good reason is given.

Make this messier and less detailed at the end is my main advice. Show her being in hysterics from her mindset, out. It'll really help your story.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey