Young Writers Society

Hearts shatter at the thought of a broken man dancing and singing for a few coins. Yet nobody wishes to help him, they all walk by with their eyes down and usually quicken their pace till they only hear his voice dimly in the distance behind them. I just stand there, staring at the man. His black hair greased back with salty water, and his feet bouncing around under him. The man doesn’t look at me. He knows better. Everyone knows not to look at us.

I dig my hand deep into my canvas rice bag, I use as a purse, pulling out a bunch of coins that rested at the bottom. They would have just sat there, rusting and rotting away otherwise. I walk towards the man reaching out my hand, ready to drop the coins in the tin can beside him.

“Sadie.” The name shackled to me and I turned and looked at the tall man whose hair was as white as the clouds or better yet, sea foam, “Let’s go.”

I turned to leave but once the man with the white hair is inside the mall, I turned back around and drop the coins in the tin. The coins spring around inside the can, piercing the songful air. Only then, do I truly turn and walk towards the mall where the white haired man is staring through the window of a store and shaking his head. I shudder under his gaze, and know my actions will be punishable once we’re back at the compound.

Hey WelcomingException,

This is a really intriguing story. My main regret was that it was so short, but in a way it's a perfect concept for a flash fiction story, even though I think it could be expanded. The first sentence definitely drew me in; it's a unique sentence, free of any cliches, yet it's so heartfelt and true. The last sentence, similarly, closes the story very well and leaves the reader satisfied with the story yet thoughtful. The way it's told makes it a story which will almost definitely leave some kind of impression on anyone who reads it.

One small thing I wanted to point out is that the tenses jumped around a little. In a way, that's okay, because I could still follow the story, but I still think it would work a little better if it was all in one tense. You seem to use present tense most of the time, but you seem to keep using the past-tense word "turned". If you changed all the "turned"s to "turn", that should fix it.

Other than that, I really liked this. It could do with just the tiniest bit of editing, but even without it, it's a really thoughtful and well told story. Short and sweet. Well done!

~MorningMist~

Very intriguing story. One grammar thing I'd like to point out is there shouldn't be a comma before "I use as a purse" that threw me off for a second. But other than that I like it. I felt (especially in the first paragraph) that this story have a very poetic feel to it as well.